by Jillian Dodd
Not good.
I shuffle into the kitchen and find Phillip unloading a grocery store's worth of bags. Lori is neatly organizing his purchases in my pantry. She waves at me over the bags piled on the island.
"Jade, how are you feeling?" she asks with a sing-song, happy-bird-in-the-park quality to her voice as she scurries around, getting me crackers and 7-Up and placing them in front of me with a flourish.
I sit at the bar with my blankie still wrapped around me and bite into a cracker. I'm delighted to discover that it tastes wonderfully salty and good.
"So how is it?" she asks, pointing to my snack.
"It tastes good, thanks."
"Normal people don't really like saltines, only pregnant women do."
Shit. She thinks I just passed some litmus test for pregnant women.
"I lived on them during my first few months." Now she's acting like we're in some secret saltines club together.
And it hits me. Her ultra cheerful voice. Her being so nice. "Phillip! You told her?"
He grins and holds up his hands. "I'm sorry. She wanted to know what was wrong with you, and I'm just so excited about what it could be I let it slip that you're a few days late."
"I am not pregnant!"
And I am willing both them and the fertility gods to believe me.
Or, wait, would it be the non-fertility gods?
Is there such a thing?
"Please stop this ridiculousness. You're upsetting me."
"See, Phillip. I told you. Mood swings, " Lori says, acting like she is some kind of pregnancy expert.
"This is not a mood swing," I counter. "This is an I-have-the-flu, feel-like-crap, and-you-keep-going-on-with-all-this-you're-pregnant-bullshit mood."
"Rubber band," she tells me.
I take the rubber band off my wrist and fling it at her. "Fuck that."
Yes, I know.
She's my friend, and she's being very helpful and organizing my pantry, but I don't feel good!
I can't handle this harassment.
She gives me a glare. I look at her pathetically. She huffs and goes back to organizing my pantry.
This is why we're friends. We both know when to back down.
Phillip takes pity on me. He picks me up, carries me over to the couch, and snuggles up with me.
"Sorry," he says quietly. "I just had to tell someone. I feel like I could burst."
"Please tell me you haven't told anyone else."
"Um, I uh . . ."
"Phillip?!"
"So, my mom called this morning and asked how the move was going, and I told her you were sick yesterday and then again this morning. You know she has baby on the brain, and she asked if you could be pregnant. I told her no. That I thought it was just the flu. But she sorta acted like she didn't believe me."
"Phillip, I have a fever. I don't think that's a pregnancy sign."
Lori, who apparently has been listening, butts in, "I had a slight fever and thought I was coming down with the flu when I found out."
I shake my head at her. I'm pretty sure I could tell her that my toenails hurt and the trees outside swayed in the breeze, and she would tell me it's a pregnancy symptom.
"Phillip, please pray that we're not. We aren't ready for this. We need to be a couple first. Have some fun together. Babies are hard on marriages."
"I don't think I can do that. I can't lie. I would be pretty damn excited if you are. I can't wait to have an adorable, spunky daughter with a cute, curly ponytail and little freckles across her adorable nose, just like her mommy." His finger grazes my freckles. "I'll give her piggyback rides, teach her how to ride a bike, climb a tree, and punch any boy who tries to kiss her. I can't wait to start a family with you."
Okay, so, I don't want a baby right now, but the way he talks about his future daughter is really adorable. And it must be contagious, because it makes me think that maybe it wouldn't be that bad.
But I am still on Team Not Pregnant.
Please, not yet.
"Just in case you want to find out for sure, he bought you a home pregnancy test," Lori butts in again.
"I'm not taking that. I'll get my period. I just have the flu."
As the day goes on, my nausea subsides, but it may be because all I've eaten is crackers and 7-Up.
I get nothing moving-related done, because Phillip makes me lie on the couch and relax while he organizes our home.
Which means, I'll never be able to find anything.
January 25th
I hate you right now.
I get up, feel a little better, and am hungry--well starved--so I splurge on a muffin and a glass of chocolate milk.
Thirty minutes later, I'm puking it back up and Phillip is looking like he found the end of a rainbow.
"Phillip, you aren't supposed to smile about someone being sick. It's annoying."
"Princess, why don't you just take the pregnancy test? Then, if it says no, you will know it's just the flu; and if it says yes, well, you can freak, and I can celebrate."
"I hate you right now." I hide my head under the blanket.
Of course, he can't leave me alone, so he snuggles up to me and starts talking through the blanket.
"Tell me why you wouldn't be excited about this? It would be kind of like a surprise gift."
"No, it would not. Having a child is a big responsibility. It's time consuming and takes lots of energy. I don't have the time or the energy right now. Plus, I want to spend time with you. I want us to be a couple, before we become a family. Why can't you get that?"
"Princess, sometimes things happen for a reason. If you're pregnant, it's because God thinks we're ready for this."
"Oh, no you don't!" I whip the covers off my head and point at him. "Don't you go blaming God for this. If there's a reason this happened, it would be because I was stupid to believe you when you said, don't worry about the antibiotics. This would be God laughing at me for my stupidity."
I throw the covers back over my head.
"Jadyn . . ."
Oh. He's mad at me.
"Don't use that tone of voice with me. I'm sick."
He uncovers me. Kisses my face, my neck, and my forehead. Sweet adorable kisses that make me love him even more.
"All I'm saying is that if you are, I would be thrilled. I love you. I want to have a family with you, and I don't care when it happens. If you want to wait--I mean, if you aren't already-- then we'll wait. But you have to admit, it would be fun to be pregnant the same time as Lori. To have our kids close in age like you and I were. Just think, we can take naked pictures of them together as babies to torture them with when they are older."
I can't help it. I laugh at that.
"See, whatever it is, you and I love each other. You will be an amazing mom, and I plan on being the best dad ever, but the reason I want a baby is just because I am so in love with you."
He kisses me on the lips.
And I am thinking this boy must really love me, because I just puked and did not brush my teeth, and he didn't even cringe.
I still hope I'm not pregnant but, I guess if I was, it wouldn't be the end of the world.
January 26th
I look like shit.
I wake up stilling feeling crappy, but I don't puke! I'm thinking, thank you, God, but where is Mother Nature when you need her?
Still no period, and I'm starting to think I might be pregnant.
As I watch Phillip unpack, the thought actually crosses my mind that it might be cool if I were pregnant. I know the timing is not right, but Phillip is so amazing, so sweet, and so good to me. It seems kind of selfish of me to want to hog all that love and keep it for myself. He's going to be a great dad and a wonderful husband, of that I have no doubt.
And at lunchtime, when he drives twenty-two miles to get me what Danny dubs as the best chicken noodle soup in Kansas City, I almost want to cry because I feel so lucky and loved.
We sit at the kitchen island eating soft dinner rolls and the
amazing chicken soup together.
I know I look like shit. I haven't showered or brushed my hair in two days, but Phillip doesn't seem to care. He still looks at me like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.
I'm seriously so lucky.
I also seriously have to pee.
It is at this point in my life that I realize Mother Nature has a very warped sense of humor.
My period has arrived.
And I should be relieved. I should be jumping-with-joy happy.
I should go out screaming, Phillip, it's okay!! My period is here!! Let's celebrate!
But that's not how I'm feeling.
I feel, well, I'm still trying to wrap my head around how I'm feeling. Because the way I'm feeling is a shock even to myself. I'm feeling, um, well, I'm feeling quite sad actually.
I'm feeling let down.
And I have no idea why.
I walk back out to the living room and tell Phillip quietly, "I just got my period."
He looks kind of crushed, and I just start bawling.
I can't believe it, but I think I'm sad that I'm not pregnant.
And I can see disappointment written all over Phillip's face. He looks like he could cry.
I start blubbering, "I'm sorry, Phillip, I know you wanted me to be, and I wasn't sure, and now I'm like so sad that I'm not, and I love you, and blabber, blabber, blabber." I don't even know what I'm saying.
Phillip holds me tight and just listens. When I'm done blathering on, he says, "It's okay, but I will admit I got a little excited about the possibility. Maybe we learned something?"
"Like what?" I sob.
"That maybe we don't need to wait? Like maybe we're ready?"
"Yeah, maybe we are."
"So no more pill?"
I kiss that sweet boy and say, "Deal. We're not trying, but if it happens, we'll be excited."
"Deal." Phillip holds my chin in his hand and looks at me adoringly.
Lori and Danny choose this exact moment to walk in our front door.
Phillip backs away from me slightly in surprise.
And, really, you've got to love our friends. They don't hold anything back.
Danny's first words are, "You look like shit. Do you feel any better?"
"I'm feeling a little better and, Danny, you were right, the chicken soup was amazing. Phillip even thought it was worth the drive."
Lori blurts out, "So did you take the pregnancy test yet, or what?"
"No." I get the stupid tears in my eyes again and bite my lower lip. I'm unable to look her in the eye when I tell her, "I didn't need to. I got my period."
She looks at me and gets tears in her own eyes, as realization hits her. "Jade. Are you sad you got it?"
"Yeah, kinda." I nod my head, as little tears start falling out of my eyes. She runs over, hugs me, and doesn't need to say anything. Her tight hug says it all.
I'm really going to start watching my language for her.
Later when Phillip and Danny work out, Lori and I go to her house so she can show me the nursery that was painted while we were on our honeymoon.
"So are you going to start trying to get pregnant?" she asks.
"I guess. I mean, I'm still kinda getting over the shock that I was sad I wasn't. What do I need to know? How do you go about getting pregnant? All I've ever thought about was how not to."
"Well, first thing is going off the pill. And they say you shouldn't have sex very often."
"I would think if you were trying to get pregnant, you'd want to do it all the time. Which should make it easy, because we already do."
"Do what?"
"Have a lot of sex."
"But you shouldn't do that."
"Why not?"
"You need to chart your ovulation cycle," she explains. "Then when you are most likely to be fertile, you'll want to do it. If you haven't done it as much, he'll have stored up sperm and be more potent."
"That sounds sort of gross. Wouldn't I be better off just getting him drunk? Have some wild, carefree sex? I thought if you try too hard it puts pressure on you, which then has the opposite effect?"
She rolls her eyes at me. "Jadyn, you want your baby to be conceived in the best possible environment. That means you shouldn't be drinking. You should be taking vitamins and eating healthy. You should have sex regularly, but not too often."
"What's too often?"
"During ovulation, you'll want to have sex once a day."
"Just once? And I thought trying would be fun."
"It is fun. You get to have sex every day."
"We just got back from our honeymoon, Lori. Once a day would be a bit of a letdown."
She laughs. "Danny and I had a lot of sex on our honeymoon too." She rubs her belly.
"How far along are you now?"
"Twenty-seven weeks."
"Are you happy you're pregnant?"
"Of course, I am!"
"No, I just mean, are you happy you got pregnant when you did. So soon after you got married?"
She frowns. "Like if I could do it again, would I so soon?"
"Yeah."
"I think so. Maybe. I don't know. Being pregnant can be, um, challenging. Your body is changing. Your hormones are changing. You have the strangest thoughts."
"Like what?"
"When I was throwing up all the time, I sort of blamed Danny."
"Because he got you pregnant?"
"Yes, they say it's normal though. To sort of hate your husband."
"You hate him?"
"No! Gosh, it's hard to explain. And don't you dare breathe a word of this to him."
"I won't."
"It's just that sometimes you don't feel good. And it doesn't seem fair that you are having his baby and he doesn't have to go through any of it. He can do anything he wants and you have all these restrictions. It's a weird combination of precious time and living hell."
"Your morning sickness is subsiding though, right?"
"Yes, that helps. During the second trimester most women feel pretty good."
"Do you?"
She sighs. "I feel better. I wouldn't say great." She pats her belly again. "The baby is kicking a lot. Which is both amazing and slightly terrifying. I'd say that's how pregnancy has been for me. Conflicting opposites. It's like you're overwhelmed with joy that a baby is growing inside you. You feel an incredible sense of wonder. But then you also feel out of control. You look down and wonder how the hell you have a baby growing inside you. You're shocked at how much your stomach can stretch. It's the most natural thing and also weird as can be."
"In a few more months, you'll be holding your baby in your arms."
"And it will all be worth it," she says. "So back to getting pregnant. They say if you want a girl you should be on top, and if you want a boy, the man should be. But that contradicts other things they tell you. Some say after sex you should put a pillow under your butt. This tilts your pelvis in a way that gravity helps the sperm swim toward the egg."
"I don't think I'm ready for all that yet. We'll just continue to have fun and if it happens, it happens."
"Speaking of happens. You never did tell me what happened before the wedding. When you and Phillip broke up."
"When my parents died, I locked up my feelings and put them away. Granted my personality tends to be of the act-first, think-later side, but I told myself that being reckless and having the you-only-live-once mindset would make my parents proud. But it was an excuse to do whatever I wanted. I'm lucky I lived with Phillip and Danny in college. Otherwise, I think I would have been wilder. I kissed a lot of guys, but I didn't sleep with very many because I didn't want to bring them home."
"The boys aren't around. Who all did you sleep with anyway? You've never told me."
"Well, Matt Fuller was my first. Freshman year in college. Then after he broke up with me, I revenge dated his best friend. Then Bradley."
"The smoking-hot bartender," Lori adds.
"Who I was supposed to have my first one-ni
ght stand with. But I guess I'm lucky I met Bradley too. Instead of a bunch of random one-night stands, he became all my one-night stands. I went home with him a lot, but that's all it ever was. Just hot sex."
"And a shot named in your honor," she smirks.
"I'm not very proud of that night."
"We thought you should postpone the wedding," she admits.
"You did. Why?"
"Because of what happened at the bar. We only heard about it from Nick, but it was obvious things were unraveling."
"They were."
"What made you give Phillip the ring back? I was afraid to ask before."
"I thought we failed couple's counseling. I almost drove down here that day. Thought you and I could drink margaritas and bash boys."
"Except I can't drink."
"Ha. I forgot about that!"
"Was that the tick tick boom?" she asks gently.
"Danny tells you everything, huh?"
She nods. "So where did you go? Phillip was really worried because he couldn't find you."
"I went to our old elementary school. Sat in the car for a long time just staring at the swings."
"That's where it all started," Danny says, interrupting us.
"Where's Phillip?" I ask.
"He went home to shower."
"Where what started?" Lori wants to know.
"Don't you remember when we got engaged and I told the story of how Phillip kissed me on the swings in fourth grade and told me that he wanted to marry me someday? I think I was just getting through life, waiting for that day. Waiting until the time was right. After Richie Rich--guy number four, if you're still keeping track--I thought maybe. Phillip and I had gone to two formals together, but we never kissed. Then there was the disaster known as your wedding."
"Hey," Lori slaps me on the arm. "Our wedding was perfect."
"For you. Not for me."
"So then, the drummer," they both say.
"Guitar player. Number five. And then Phillip. My number six and hopefully last."
"So the swings?" Lori says.
"I hooked my charm bracelet to the swing and left it there. It felt like the right place to bury our relationship." I look at Danny. "Then I went to visit my parents' grave."
Danny's eyes get big. "You said you'd never go there."
"I know, but I went anyway. Laid in the snow and cried. I felt really ashamed. Here all I wanted to do was make them proud by being strong but . . ." Tears threaten, so I shake my head.
"It's okay," Danny says. "They're proud of you now."