by D. A. Roach
I needed the pain inside to go away. I needed to be embraced in love. Was I so undeserving of that? I must be an awful person to not be worthy of love. I wondered if my lack of relationships with the opposite sex was because I had been taught that I don’t deserve love. I took some deep breaths and splashed some cold water on my face.
I headed back to the room. I had hoped having a fun time with Jared tonight would guarantee him starring in my dreams tonight, but after the phone call I just had, it would probably be my mom again. Molly must have sensed my mood because she left me alone. I grabbed my music player and headphones and hopped into bed. I fell asleep with loud, angry rock music blaring in my ears.
My sleep that night was fit-full and dreamless.
Friday came all too soon and the physics test was upon me. I went to the armory and sat in this giant hanger with 80 other kids. Everyone had crib sheets but none were as elaborate as mine. I was proud and confident in my crib sheet.
The test wrapped up 70 minutes later. In the end, I spent too much time hunting for things on my crib sheet. Maybe Jared was right, I should have remembered one equation and derived the rest. After the test I headed back to the dorms to tell Jared how the test went. It was past dinner time so the sun had already set for the day. I had enough wits to know I should walk a steady pace home and to take a well-lit path. But I felt someone watching me. I looked around but didn’t see anyone. There were lots of trees and shrubs lining the path. Even though they were well manicured, someone could easily hide in the foliage. I walked a little faster and positioned my room key between my fingers to act as a weapon. Then I heard a faint whistle. I paused and looked around but I still saw no one, not even another student walking back from the test.
I needed to get to the dorm fast. I quickened my pace but didn’t run. I was nearing a major intersection, I just needed to make it there - a more public space. I heard a whistle again, almost like a chirping and it sent chills down my spine. I made it to the intersection and broke into a run to the dorm. I could see it in the distance and I could stay on the sidewalk next to the street till I got to the front door.
The sidewalk leading to the front doors was well lit and when my hand was on the handle I dared a look over my shoulder but there was no one behind me. I opened the door and took a moment to catch my breath. Maybe I was over-suspicious and it was nothing - some kids fooling around, or maybe I succeeded at evading an attacker. My heart was pumping fast from the adrenaline and all I could think about was making it to my room and locking the door. I took the stairs two steps at a time and struggled to steady my hand to get my keys in the lock. I opened it and flicked on the light. Molly was gone, probably visiting her brother in the guys’ wing. I threw down my bag, kicked off my shoes, and tried to slow my breathing down. I hated feeling so vulnerable walking on campus at night. It wasn’t in a bad neighborhood, but there were a few write-ups in the campus rag that told of girls being attacked and raped at night on campus. I decided a hot shower might calm me down so I could attempt sleep. I grabbed my shower caddy and headed to the girls restroom.
Chapter 6
“So are we buying something for everyone in the group?” Mags asked.
‘Yep, price is between $5-$10.” I confirmed.
The guys were coming up for a movie night again. We were in our final push before winter break. The pizza was ordered, the movies were cued, and I was finishing trimming Edward’s hair.
“I’m next.” Jared said. Jared started hanging around us more after the physics study session. It was nice having him around again and I was doing a good job of not letting my mind take it past a friendship.
“Edward, you are all set, that will be $100.” I smiled.
“Umm, I will gladly pay you Tuesday.” He joked.
“What are you doing? Channeling your inner Wimpy? I’ll just take a ‘thank you’.”
The boys were so trusting to have me give them a trim. I was not skilled at cutting hair but I was anal about symmetry and the only girl brave enough to risk the boys getting ticked if they hated it. It was a good thing I hadn’t had an angry customer yet. “Jared, you’re up.” He sat in front of me and they began the movie. When I was more than halfway done with his cut, our phone rang. “Hello?”
“Hold on a sec.” I said to Jared and I went out into the hall and shut the door to speak in private. My mom then inquired how my studying for finals was coming. I wondered if she could hear the people in my room. She probably thought I never studied and just partied. If that’s what she thought, she’s mistaken. I socialized about 25% of the time and that included meals and roommate time. The rest of my time was spent in class, studying, or sleeping.
“Mom, I walked past this building called Student Services the other day. I went in to see what was in there and they had guidance counselors that could help you make choices for your classes and career.”
“So?” She asked in an annoyed tone.
“So, they had this test you could take. It asked a ton of questions. Then they scored it and they could narrow down which careers would be best for your personality.”
“Again, so what?”
“So I took the test. I figured this career path I am currently on is so competitive that if my best isn’t good enough, it’s nice to know there are other options out there.”
“Yeah, like flippin’ burgers at a fast food joint,” she muttered under her breath. But I heard it and I was feeling both mad and defeated.
“Actually, there are tons of good careers out there that would pay well. And guess what? My personality doesn’t even fit with the career path I am on!” I was beginning to talk faster and louder. I was excited about learning about other jobs I could pursue and wanted to share that promising news. I was a good student and knew I could succeed at something, if I found the right path.
“What do a bunch of hippy guidance counselors know?! I have known you my whole life and know what’s best for you. And you’d better remember that if you don’t have outstanding grades...this will be your last year there. If you can’t succeed at life sciences, then you will amount to nothing. There is such a need for doctors, nurses, pharmacists, vets, that is the only career worth spending any time and attention.” The tears were racing down my face. “I don’t agree with you. There are lots of jobs you can work and make good money at. Besides, you have to LIKE your job too. You’ll be working at it the rest of your life. Doesn’t that matter?” I hated my life. Why could I not be free to make my own decisions?
“Goodbye mother.” I said and hung up before she could say anything more. I took some solid breaths and wiped my tears away. It took me several minutes though because the tears fell faster once I hung up the phone. Hopefully no one would notice, I didn’t want the whole crowd asking me a million questions to try and understand my home life. When I felt calm and collected, I returned to my room.
The movie was rolling and everyone was settled in their spots. Jared was right where I left him and I picked up my scissors to finish his haircut.
“You know, your eyes are so beautiful when you cry,” he said very quietly. I was shocked and ashamed at the same time. I thought I had waited long enough in the hall for the physical signs of crying to dissipate. I must have looked splotchy with blood shot eyes. I looked to the ground to avoid his eye contact. “Are you ok?” He asked. I glanced around the room, everyone was distracted by the movie except Jared. I nodded and continued cutting his hair. “I’m sorry, it’s really hard for me to sit here while she says mean things to you on the phone. It takes everything in me to not rip the phone out of your hand and chew her out. I don’t even know her and I already hate her. You’re a good person Perry, I don’t know what her problem is.” I felt new tears forming. He got me. No one ever spoke up for me or defended me. Everyone would just look at me in silence or disbelief. I felt his arms wrap around my waist for a hug. I put my arm around his shoulders and whispered “Thank you.” I felt part of my heart heal with his kind words. All this time I never
thought anyone would understand what it felt like to be me. I had quit trying to get people to understand because they only saw the facade, they never saw how behind it was a pile of crap that rotted and festered. No one had believed me, until today.
Chapter 7
“Oh my God! Have you seen how much snow is falling?” Jen slammed down her tray at the dinner table. Almost all of our gang was here at dinner, which was strange because we hadn’t even planned it.
“Sledding on the hill tonight if this keeps up.” Greg suggested. The snow fell in huge snow blobs from the sky. The ground already had a thin white blanket of it and there were plenty of snow-heavy clouds in the sky. “Who’s game?” Everyone at the table chirped a yes. The rest of dinner became like a planning session between a bunch of 8 year olds planning for a snow battle. We wrapped up and agreed to call each other when we were heading out. Sledding in the dark would be way cooler than in the day. I noticed two of the guys had smuggled their dinner trays out. I wondered what they were up to.
Molly and I headed back to our room and got our class material ready for the next day and then chilled out and watched TV. Our phone rang around 8:30 and the boys told us to meet on the huge hill next to our dorm. We suited up in our warmest clothes, parkas, hats, and gloves and knocked on our other friends’ doors. In 10 minutes we were all bundled up and trudging up the huge hill. There were already more than twenty other people sledding. It was the perfect hill, huge with a long landing so there was no fear of sliding out onto the road.
It was hysterical watching college students have their fun in the snow with their make-shift sleds. When you packed for college in August, you didn’t think “better pack a sled in case it snows”. So people were inventive. They used huge pieces of cardboard, dinner trays, GREASED dinner trays, and a mattress. In the end, the dinner trays worked the best, but the mattress was the funniest to watch. “Boy, they are gonna hate sleeping on that mattress tonight.” Jen chirped. The boys were nice enough to share their trays with the rest of us so everyone could have a turn racing down the hill.
“So College students by day, Tray thieves by night? Doesn’t that break some kind of dorm law of something?” I harassed Greg. He just smiled and shrugged.
“I’ll bring them back tomorrow.” He paused and turned back to the hill “or will I? These are pretty great for sledding. And guess who’s turn it is to race the Hill of Death?” He paused and then put the tray down in front of me, “Your turn!” I rolled my eyes and climbed upon one of the trays. I was as much a thief as Greg since I was riding upon them. Why not enjoy the fun. So I pushed off and felt the exhilaration of speeding down a big snowy hill.
It was so great to be doing something so childish as a 19 year old. It felt so rebellious and wrong. It was liberating. Half-way down the hill I saw a sledder hit a bump, catch air, and watched his tray go left while the sledder’s body went airborne and came crashing down hard. There were no brakes on this cafeteria snow vehicle and no steering. His fate would be mine in a few seconds. As I approached the bump I closed my eyes and held on tight - there was nothing I could do to avoid this and closing my eyes made it a little less terrifying. I felt the cool air under my bottom and knew I was airborne, the pain would be coming in a moment as I hit the snowy earth.
Nothing. Silence. Snowflakes falling, landing on my face. Black sky dotted with white puffs.
“Perry! Jesus, are you alright?! Hey...look at me.”
I could hear Greg but my eyes were staring at the snowflakes floating down from the sky above. I was focusing on each little detail against the dark night sky because I could feel the tears forming. Maybe I was dying. I didn’t seem to feel any air moving in my lungs and I didn’t feel any pain, just peace and the strong urge to have tears flow out of my eyes.
“Perry! Crap, Dave get over here - Perry hit pretty hard, I’m not sure if she’s ok. She’s not responding to me.”
“Hey Perry,” I could hear David now. “Come on sweetie - look at us. We need to know you are ok.” I could hear the stress in his voice and the worry. I needed to look at them. I blinked and then I felt my lungs burn with emptiness and I let out several very embarrassing large gasps. I could not get air into my lungs fast enough. It felt as if they were enormous empty sacks and each breath barely put a dash of oxygen in them. I rolled to my side and the tears slid out. Greg was rubbing my back. “Take it easy, breathe slowly. You got the wind knocked out of you and I think you’re a little in shock.” I still hadn’t said anything, but I nodded my head.
“Are you hurt anywhere?” I couldn’t talk yet and I still couldn’t feel anything besides the burning in my lungs. “Let’s get her to my room. We should keep an eye on her for a while and make sure she’s alright.” Greg decided. I heard David agree. “Can you walk Perry?” I nodded my head and I was still breathing irregularly. When I stood I realized my legs felt like Jell-o and I was shaking uncontrollably. But my boys had me, they tucked an arm around their shoulders and supported me on the trip back to Greg’s room.
The snow was peaceful, so quiet and gentle. “Sorry,” I eeked out.
“She speaks!” Greg said in shocked amusement, but I could tell he seemed relieved. If I was talking - I was coherent. “What exactly are you sorry about? That you ended our sledding night early, saving us from the terrible fate you suffered? Or sorry that you scared tonight’s dinner out of me?” The smile spread across my face. Greg was so easy to like, I’m glad he was in my close circle. “Whatever, Per - I’m just glad you’re ok. Let’s go chill and watch some crappy TV shows for a while so I know you didn’t do any permanent damage upstairs in that noggin of yours.”
“Ok, and thanks. Really.”
We headed to their room and stripped our snowy outer clothes in a corner and popped open some beverages and vegged. I could tell they were still worried because they gave me the best ratty chair in the room and I would catch them occasionally looking over at me to check on me.
Half way into the second show Jared came into the room. He was covered in snowy clothes and added his to our mound of snow gear. I wondered if he was on the hill too and we just missed him.
“What’s up?!” He said to us with a nod.
“Not much, we hit the hill...Perry hit it a bit harder than the rest of us, but it was pretty fun.” Greg said. “Where were you?”
“A bunch of the guys from the physics building had a huge snowball war against the EE students. We got our butts handed to us. We had the better fort but they had better arms than us. Love the snow - it’s frickin’ awesome.” He ran his hand through his damp locks. “Perry, you a champion tobogganer or something like that?”
Greg and David chuckled, “Hardly.”
“I hit a bump wrong and caught some air. Freaked me out a bit.”
“Freaked US out a bit, she was all weird afterward. But she’s getting back to her old self now.” David said.
I looked from David to Jared and smiled but saw Jared had a really concerned look on his face and he was studying me to see if he thought I was truly ok.
“I’m better, really Jared. It probably sounds worse than it was.” I reassured him. I could see Greg shaking his head slowly because he did not agree with that last statement, “You didn’t see what you looked like Per. It was messed up...and scary.” Greg got up to pitch his can in the garbage. Jared looked at me a moment longer and then let out a big breath. “Glad you’re better now. Maybe a helmet next time and wrapping your body in Charmin?!” He half-teased as he got up and gently fist bumped my shoulder.
“So, what awful show are you watching now?” Jared said as he grabbed a drink and settled on the floor at the foot of my chair. This was the loving and supportive family that I adored. My boys meant so much to me and I was amazed to even feel an ounce of the care they held for me. My family would have seen my fall as an inconvenience to them. They would have been angered at me for ruining their sledding. But these guys never made me feel bad for it. They loved me and cared for me.
; *******
“Hey Sleepyhead, time to wake up.” I blinked my eyes and tried to get my bearings. I was still in Greg and Jared’s room. It was dark outside but still snowing. The TV was playing some late night talk show. David was hovering over me shaking my shoulder to stir me. “There she is. Perry, it’s almost curfew. I hate waking you, but you’d probably sleep better in a bed...in your room.”
I stretched, “You’re right, can you escort me out?”
David seemed glad to be the chosen one. I gave Jared and Greg a hug goodnight and grabbed my damp winter outerwear and exited the room. David was following behind me and muttered to the guys that he’d be right back. When we got to the hall where the common area hallway met the boys wing David tugged my arm to turn me towards him.
“Thanks David, see ya’ later.” His face was so serious that is unsettled me. Was he mad at me for something? I decided to not overthink it and turned to head down the hall. He took two quick steps and hugged me extra tight and longer than a typical goodnight hug from a friend would be. And then as he was pulling away, he gave me a peck on my cheek. “See ya’ Perry. Glad you’re alive.” I was in awe. Shock. He had never pecked me before and the whole exchange seemed a bit more intimate than friends. But why? Was he just scared that I was hurt on the hill? Did he have feelings for me that went beyond friendship? Was he feeling territorial over me with the other guys? So much for not overthinking it. I just gave a little nod and a half smile and turned away. I walked as normal paced as I could, even though my feet wanted to speed me to my room as quickly as they would carry me. I felt his eyes on me the entire time as I walked the long corridor to the girls’ wing. I didn’t dare look back.