by D. A. Roach
At 11pm we kicked the last of our friends out. When Greg left, he gave an awkward side hug and he never looked me in the eyes after the kiss. Molly and I cleaned up the room and got ready for bed. She hopped in her bed and I climbed into my side of the loft. “Can I tell you something? But I need you to not tell anyone else.”
I needed to talk to someone about this and Molly seemed safe enough plus she understood how close I was with all the boys. “Yeah, of course.”
“Remember when I went with Greg to get more beer?”
“Yeah, you guys took forever.”
“Well, we kinda made out.”
Molly gasped. She sounded as surprised as I felt. “No WAY! How did it happen?”
“I know right, total shock. I don’t know, I went into his room and turned around, bumped into him, he grabbed me and started kissing me.”
“A peck?”
“No peck. Shit. I’m worried everything is all messed up between us.” I said sadly.
“Nah, he’ll probably forget about it once he sobers.”
“Oh, thanks a lot. You sound like he wouldn’t have approached me if he was sober!” My poor self-esteem was talking again.
“I didn’t mean that, you just see things differently when sober. So was he a good kisser?”
“You have no idea.” I couldn’t help but smile at the memory.
“What if you guys become an item now? What would David think? Or Jared?”
“I have no idea. Trying not to get my hopes up. He acted real weird after the kiss, and David, I am not trying to get with him so I am not worried about him. Jared? I can’t seem to land him despite my efforts - he is just a flirt. Besides, no one knows about this besides you, me, and Greg.”
“Does this mean you are 100% over Jared?”
Why was she asking that question?
“I don’t know, I loved the present he got me. He is the first person who can see deeper than everyone else. He’s cute, so smart, and independent and so real. It’s hard to not like the guy. How can I ever be over him?”
“Anyway, drama-queen, get some sleep over there. I bet things will be different over break.” Molly reassured me.
“You know, I had my head firmly attached this semester - all studying and no boy drama, and here it is thrust back into my lap. It better not complicate next semester.” I sighed and shook my head. “Goodnight Molly.”
“Night Perry.”
Chapter 10
Three hours in the car was a long time to drive and be alone with your thoughts. Chuck was busy listening to his playlist and as much as I tried to focus on the songs, I had too much to turn over in my head. First, what should I do as a plan B if I am not in the top 10 percent of my life science classes and can’t advance to the advanced studies? I didn’t know the answer to that. I had always liked drawing but my parents told me on a daily basis that I was not good enough to make a living doing any form of art. They wanted me in the medical field. They felt that was the only area that would lead to secure, good paying jobs. The only majors worth pursuing a college education for.
Next I needed to think about what to get my parents for Christmas. I probably needed to hit the mall and window shop a little. I didn’t have a lot of money, but I wanted to get them a nice present.
And the last thing stirring about my head was why did Greg kiss me? Was it because he was drunk and wasn’t thinking straight? Was it because he had his inhibitions lowered and let loose because he really does have feelings for me? I didn’t know the answer. He must have regretted it because he wouldn’t even look at me the rest of the night. I felt so vulnerable and stupid for kissing him back. Maybe if I pretended it never happened life could go on as usual. When he came up for the concert, I would treat him like normal Greg. Then, if there was any awkwardness, it would be because of him. I had several days before the concert. Maybe that was enough time to let the weirdness dissipate. That whole night was a mess. Here I was having a little more feelings for Jared and then Greg comes from out of nowhere and blindsides me.
“See you in two weeks Perry, and Merry Christmas,” Chuck said as he helped me get my bags out of the trunk.
“See ya’, thanks for the ride and Merry Christmas to you too Chuck.” I hugged him and headed inside.
The house was quiet - no one was home. My parents shouldn’t be home for another 3 hours. “Anyone home?” I yelled just in case. No one answered. I set my stuff down and grabbed the spare car keys and decided to hit the mall to hunt for presents. The mall had 4 big anchor stores and many smaller shops in between. It was busy for a weekday afternoon but I presumed it was because Christmas was less than a week away. I decided to get my dad some new golf balls and a new putter. He loved golf and I heard him complaining that his putter was so old that he should really replace it. My mom was harder to buy for. She had everything she wanted. So I decided that I would get her a mom and daughter day at the spa. I went to the posh spa that was in a shopping plaza near the mall and bought 2 spa packages that included facials, manicures, and pedicures. It was a great gift because she never took time to pamper herself. Plus, she could spend time with me doing girly things...
I headed home to wrap my presents.
*****
Being away from home always made me forget how incredibly awful it was to live under the roof with my parents. Maybe I was used to being free, or maybe it was a hidden hope that it would be different this time. Whatever it was...it created the delusion that home life would be “normal”.
“I don’t like you living out of a suitcase. Unpack your bags and store them in the closet. We aren’t a bunch of pigs that leave messes everywhere we go.” I sighed and headed to the room I stayed in. There was not much room to store my clothes since most of the drawers held linens and towels. After unpacking I stored my suitcase in the closet and headed back for the couch. I wanted to hide away in my room but she would seek me out within minutes and yell at me for not “coming out to talk to her”.
“What are the holiday plans this year Mom?” I had a general idea what the plans would be since they rarely changed from year to year, but I figured I would ask because it made for harmless small talk.
“We are hosting Christmas with our extended family this year so we need to do quite a bit to prepare. There will be about 30 people here on Christmas Day.”
“Whoa, ok. Sounds like a big job.”
“Then we go to church Christmas Eve., have one dinner to go to between Christmas and New Year’s, and then on New Year’s, your dad and I are going out.”
“Do you work the entire time or do you have a few days off? I pried.
“I have a few days off, why are you asking?” I knew why I was asking but I couldn’t tell her. I had the perfect present and I needed to keep it secret, but I also needed a day reserved for her and me.
“I was hoping you and I could spend some time together one of the days you are off.”
“Umm, ok. Maybe next Thursday.” I nodded in agreement. I would call the spa tomorrow and book our treatments.
“I have a concert that I am going to with two of my friends. It’s in a few days. I just wanted to let you know about it.” She looked at me with a hard look. She had never liked me going to rock concerts. She must have had such little faith in me because she worried that I would start using drugs after attending a show. There were some concert-goers that did drugs, but I had no part in that.
“Is that so? Where is this concert?”
“Downtown at one of the clubs. But I won’t be going alone.” I paused. “You know Mom, I’ll be ok. I’m almost 19 and I live away from home. I can make good decisions, you shouldn’t worry about me going to a concert.” She just grunted and began on the dishes. It seemed to be the end of that conversation so I presumed we were on the same page for the concert. I had no idea if Greg was going to bail on me or show for the concert. He totally shut down after the kiss, I wish I knew what he was thinking.
“I’m gonna go check my email, be back in a few
minutes to help with supper.” I ran off to my room and fired up my computer. There were no emails yet but I decided to send a group email out to my friends.
Hey guys (and girls),
I’m back at home and hoping for some snow this break. I promise I won’t be reckless like my last dinner-tray sledding excursion. I hope each of you have a great Christmas and a fun break. I will miss you all.
Love,
Perry
I sent it and hoped to hear from some of them soon.
*****
Christmas Eve was upon us and my mom was busy trying to prepare all the dishes ahead of time so that tomorrow she could just man the oven and stove. I was put on decorations and table setting duty. I set the fine silverware neatly in the linen napkins and tied them with a ribbon. Once I had enough I moved on to setting up the plates for the meal.
“Perry, stop what you are doing. I ran out of sour cream and I wanted to pick up a poinsettia for tomorrow. I am covered in food and wouldn’t dare step out of the car, so you must come with and run into the store for me.” I grabbed my coat and started lacing up my Chuck Taylors. She drove to the grocery store down the street and it was busy with people running in for last minute menu items. “Here’s $40, I want 2 poinsettias and 1 tub of sour cream. Hurry up and meet right back here. I will be waiting on you.”
“Ok, I’ll hurry.” I ran inside and found the sour cream first. Then I grabbed 2 of the holiday plants and threw them in a cart and headed to check out. When I finished, I headed outside. No snow had fallen over break but the air was cold and crisp. The sun was shining as bright as ever but there was not one snowflake in the sky. I looked around for my mom’s car but it was nowhere to be found. So I sat on the landscape curb and watched for a few minutes but she didn’t appear. Had I misheard her? Was there another entrance to the store that I was supposed to meet her at? I went back in the store and headed to the customer service desk.
“Excuse me. Is this the only customer entrance into the store?” The young clerk was only slightly older than me. She looked at me suspiciously and I realized that it was a strange question to have asked. She did not know my family to know that misunderstandings were quite common. I usually was the one to blame for the misunderstanding so I tried to prevent them when I could.
“Yes,” was all she said with a dismissive tone.
“What the hell, where is she?” I muttered to myself. I went out front to look for her again but her car was still not there. Maybe there was some emergency at home and she drove back. Surely she would come back for me as soon as the emergency was over. How would she let me know though? I hadn’t brought my phone since I thought it would be a quick trip. I went back to customer service and asked if I could use their phone. The clerk looked annoyed but let me use it anyway. Boy, she was Miss Personality. She should have been a bagger not someone in customer service.
After several rings the voicemail kicked in and I had to leave a message. “Mom, where are you?” I was quiet yelling into the phone. “I am still at the store with the items you asked me to buy but you aren’t here. Call the store if you get this message.” I hung up and decided to look outside one more time. She was storming toward the store looking madder than I had ever seen. “There you are. Where were you?” I asked. I felt relieved, mad, and panicked all at the same time.
“Where was I?! Where were you? Are you too stupid to follow directions? I told you to pick those items up and meet back here.”
“I did that. You weren’t here.” I replied flatly.
“Bull. I was here waiting and you didn’t show. Do you have any idea how much time you wasted by pulling this stupid move? God you are so stupid.” She looked away from me and started to march off “Get in the damn car RIGHT NOW!”
How had this become my fault? Had I misheard her? Maybe she meant she was going to park nearby and watch for me. Maybe she got distracted. Maybe I messed up somehow. I felt the tears prickle in my sockets. I was no longer the independent 18 year old, I was now reduced to a scared and insecure 5 year old who was stupid and worthless. I tried to focus on my breathing so the tears would not pour down my face. I just needed to make it home before I fell apart. All I could hear was “you are so stupid, it’s all your fault”. A negative mantra playing through my head.
We pulled up to the house and she slammed the car door. She was still as mad as ever. I grabbed the two plants from the back since she was already in the house back to her cooking with her new sour cream. I put them near the front door and took off my shoes and coat. Then I went to my room and dug in my purse for my small Swiss army knife and went to the bathroom. I knew I needed time away from her and she wouldn’t think twice about me with the cooking before her. My hands were shaking. I felt so very small, so very Inconsequential. A mistake. My chest felt so tight from all the things I felt like saying to my mom. Wasted words because she didn’t care what came out of my mouth. Words that didn’t matter, feelings that didn’t matter. Thoughts that meant nothing to anyone. They felt important to me, but I was told so often that they meant nothing, that I had believed no one cared about them, so why share them. Why tell my mom that I went out of the store several times looking for her? Why tell her that I was scared that something had happened to her or to someone back home? Those actions and emotions were stupid and didn’t matter. Yet they bubbled over in my chest making it feel like I was going to burst into a million pieces. The pressure was suffocating. As I dragged the blade along my inner arm, the relief was instantaneous. Blood and tears fell onto my bare leg and I felt the air move in and out of my chest at a more steady rhythm. I was like an overinflated balloon, about to burst, and someone decided to open the knot to let some air out and relieve the pressure. There was no euphoria. I did not get off on cutting myself. But it was the only band-aid I had in my arsenal to stop the bleeding of my heart.
I became more clearer headed as I sat there. I needed to wrap my wound, clean my knife, delete the message on the answering machine, and avoid talking about the grocery store misunderstanding. I could do that. But it would not erase the scars that were freshly put on my internal self. I grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink and put a piece of gauze on my cut and wrapped it with a thin ace wrap. Lucky for me that it was winter and I could pull my long sleeves down to cover the wound. I cleaned the knife with soap and water and put it in my pocket and then headed out of the bathroom to delete the voicemail.
Chapter 11
I liked Christmas, so why would this year be any different? Christmas, for me, was asking and hoping for things you really wanted and being disappointed by each gift. It seemed everyone, including Santa, knew what I “needed” or should have which differed greatly from my wish list. In the end I got a new trapper keeper, some socks, stamps and stationery, and a few sweatshirts that were 2 sizes too big for me.
“Why did you buy the wrong size shirt?” I asked my mom, though I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to hear the response. “Last year the clothes you bought were too small, and this year they are too big.”
“I thought you might need them bigger since you had put on weight when you weren’t living under our roof.” That was such a horrible thing to say. She had no concept of how mean she was to me.
“Well, as you can see, I must not have gained any weight this year because I am floating in this shirt. I don’t want it. Sorry.” I tossed the shirts aside.
“You should keep them, you’ll probably grow into them…” but I didn’t hear the rest because I walked quickly back to my room. Presents were over and she had her little smack in my face with the last one opened. I didn’t need to stand around and hear anymore of her comments. Walking away was a big step for me. I was not ready to have an all-out verbal battle with her, but I could decide not to hear anymore and walk away.
In my room I turned on my computer and checked for email. I had an email from everyone except Greg. Jen was having an amazing break, Mags was enjoying time with her family but was already missing Tim, David was glad
to be home and Jared said he was thinking about me and hoping my break was going ok. He hoped the rune would help me out. I couldn’t believe I still had not heard from Greg. I suspected he was going to flake out on me for the concert, and I was feeling disappointed. I didn’t want to lose Greg as a friend. I could forget the kiss, why couldn’t he? I wrote a few ‘Merry Christmas’ emails and headed out to get ready for our guests.