The Perfect Father: the most gripping and twisty thriller you'll read in 2020
Page 26
‘But the lies, Kim,’ I say, my head shaking forcefully. ‘I’m so sick of the lies. I don’t know if I can do it.’
She turns and stares at me again, hard in the face.
‘You can and you will. Because you’re her mother. And you’ll tell her whatever hurts her the least. Won’t you? Promise me that. I trust you, Esther. I trusted you from the start. I watched you with her yesterday. I know how much you love her. You’re all she has left. You can’t let her down.’
‘But what will happen to you?’ I say, and I suddenly have this certainty that this will be the last time I see her. ‘Where will you go?’
‘There’s something I didn’t tell you. At my last appointment, they gave me three weeks. I’m done, now. I’ve left behind something more precious, more valuable, than anything. My girl. I’ve made my mark on the world. I’m happy to leave it. And now I know for sure that I’m happy to leave her with you.’
‘Don’t say that,’ I say. Angry, hot tears are rolling down my face. ‘Come over tomorrow, we can go somewhere nice with Riley . . . you should get to know her properly . . .’
‘Don’t,’ Kim says, and she holds her hand out as if to push me away. ‘Don’t talk about her anymore. Just give her this.’
She presses something into my hand. It feels cold and hard in my fist but I can’t tear my eyes away from her face.
‘And tell her I love her. And I’ll see her again someday.’
I stand frozen as she turns and walks away. I can’t move, so I just watch her figure departing, growing smaller and smaller as she crosses the bridge. I keep my eyes fixed on her as much as possible, but people keep obscuring my view. She disappears from sight for a few seconds, and when I locate her again, my mind struggles to process what I’m seeing.
Kim is carefully climbing over the low stone wall on the other end of the bridge.
‘No!’ I scream, and I race towards her, pushing past the lunchtime office workers in my desperation to reach her. But it’s too late. She doesn’t even turn to look back at me. There’s not a moment’s hesitation as she simply leans forward over the river, and lets go of the wall.
My scream seems to freeze time.
I peer over the edge of the bridge at the black Thames below, but she’s already gone.
After
Esther
Thankfully, everyone who matters – Robin’s parents, the courts and social workers – all agree that Riley should stay with me. Finally, she is my daughter in the eyes of the law, as well as in my heart.
By the end of the adoption process, I am a shell of a woman, but I am a tiger of a mother. When the official papers come through, I sit on the sofa and sob. It’s so hard to believe something I wanted for so long has actually happened.
Through my tears I see Riley approaching. She snatches the paper from my hand and puts it on the coffee table.
‘No work now. Play, Mummy, please?’ she says, shrugging, and I laugh at the expression on her little face. There is no time for tears with her around.
The police investigation concludes that the cause of the crash was a blown tyre. Robin did exactly what you shouldn’t do in that situation: he braked hard, and the car spun off the road. Something so simple, but so deadly when driving at speed.
In some ways, it makes me feel better. It really was an accident. He didn’t mean to hurt her.
Robin’s and Kim’s funerals are held within two weeks of each other. I don’t know how I get through them, but whenever I feel myself begin to break, I look down at my daughter’s wide eyes and I remind myself of Kim’s last words to me.
Sometimes, it is as if Kim is here with us. They are so alike.
I go to Kim’s funeral alone, uninvited. I slip in at the back of the crematorium, and thank the woman who gave me everything, and then I leave before the rest of the family and friends file out. The chapel of rest is packed with people and the songs are loud and celebratory. It feels at odds with how I feel, but I know she would have liked it.
We were always at odds with one another. But I am coming to terms with what she did. It wasn’t right, but I understand why she did it. I respect her. I respect everything she did for us.
March rolls into April, and suddenly the winter has gone, and the weather has switched to baking hot, and I am beginning to feel there’s some light at the end of the tunnel; that the future will be better.
We are in Riley’s bedroom, having a ‘spring clean’. It was her idea. She saw it on her favourite children’s television programme and begged me to let her do one.
We’re sitting surrounded by piles of her stuff on the carpet.
‘Come and sit next to me, Riles,’ I say, touching her on the arm.
She stops looking through her books and gazes at me, obediently trundling over and climbing on to my lap.
‘I’ve got something for you,’ I say, and I unfurl my palm to reveal a silver locket on a long chain.
‘Oh,’ she says, taking it from me and looking at it. ‘It’s a neck-less.’
‘It’s very old,’ I say. ‘I think. Auntie Kim gave it to me to give to you.’
Her little fingers struggle with the mechanism as she opens the locket. Inside, there is a picture of her as a baby, and another of Kim.
‘Look, Mummy,’ she says, pointing at the two tiny photographs. ‘Here’s a baby. And that Auntie Kim! She coming for the padding pool?’
I swallow back the tears.
‘Auntie Kim is very special,’ I say, staring down at Kim’s face, the wideness of her smile. ‘She’s your guardian angel.’
‘A guardian angel,’ she says, proudly. ‘Like a unicorn?’
‘Sort of,’ I say, smiling. ‘But she can’t come when we get the paddling pool, I’m afraid. Because she lives in heaven now.’
‘My daddy lives in heaven,’ she says. ‘That means I can’t see him.’
I swallow.
‘Yes, yes, that’s right.’
I think of my father. How much he would have loved this quirky, entertaining and wise little girl.
‘There are so many people in this world and in heaven who love you, Riley Madison Morgan.’
Riley beams at me and I fold her in my arms.
And then I glance down at the tiny picture of Kim, squeezing my eyes shut as I make a silent vow to protect our little girl for the rest of my life.
Acknowledgements
A massive thank you as always to my agent, Caroline Hardman, for all her support and guidance, alongside her brilliant team at Hardman & Swainson. I couldn’t have done this without you.
I’d also like to thank the wonderful team at Quercus: my editor Cassie Browne as well as Rachel Neely, Stefanie Bierwerth, Ella Patel and everyone else who has worked so hard to make this book happen. I really couldn’t ask for a better publisher.
I’m so grateful as always for my many author friends – thank you all! – but must give special mention to Caroline Hulse, who has saved my sanity on many an occasion; and Rebecca Fleet, who has been with me since the beginning. You should immediately buy and read their books if you haven’t already, because they are both amazing writers.
I want to say the biggest thank you to my dear friend Sophy Greenhalgh, to whom this book is dedicated, for sharing her story of hyperemesis gravidarum with me. Not enough is known about this horrible condition – so few women want to relive the horrors after they have come out the other side – and so I hope to raise a little more awareness of it through this book. I could not have portrayed the condition so authentically if it weren’t for Sophy taking the time to share with me this most difficult period in her life. Soph, I think you are an absolute superwoman!
I’d also really like to thank my mum, who read this book countless times, giving a much needed ‘reader’s perspective’ and helping me so much with some of the more challenging parts of it. Thank you too to
my sister for telling everyone she meets about my books – I really appreciate your support! And thanks to my dad for checking my Amazon page more often than me. One day I’ll have as many reviews as Lee Child.
Oli and Daphne – you are my two favourite people and you make me smile every day. Thank you both for being so supportive of this unusual career.
Finally, of course I must say a huge thank you to all the readers who have enjoyed my previous books – I still can’t quite believe that strangers actually read my writing. What a dream it is, and you make it possible. I hope you enjoy this one too.
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