Much has changed in the field of psychoanalysis during the years since Ernest practiced it in the office above his garage. Freud is no longer totemic, and today, if a therapist were to say to his patient, “Well, it’ obvious: Even though it was the husband you were having the affair with, the one you were in love with was the wife,” the patient, though she might agree or disagree, would hardly be shocked. And yet at the time, such an idea wouldn’t even have occurred to Ernest, not because he rejected lesbianism as a category, but because he had yet to conceive of a universe in which men didn’t always stand at the very center. Thus he would never have guessed that as I had sat next to Nancy on Daphne’ bed that afternoon, a longing had swept through me which I could hardly articulate but which I now recognize to have been something akin to desire. Of course, it never would have occurred to me to try to kiss Nancy, or even embrace her. Nor, I suspect, would she have tolerated such advances. Still, the feeling was there, mixed up strangely with my daughterly adoration. This was what drove me back to that house every Saturday, despite the abuse I had to endure. Since then, of course, I have known my own fair share of amorous adventure, I have been loved by several good men (Ernest among them) and in at least one case experienced a love far deeper than anything I ever felt for Nancy. So why is it that today I keep dreaming about that afternoon on Daphne’ bed? What is it that I wanted to happen? Why is her voice—of which I have only a memory—so sharp and distinct in my head, and why, when I wake up in the middle of the night, am I tormented by her particular and peculiar smell of cigarettes and cooking and the perfume she wore only on special occasions, such as Thanksgiving, with notes of cassia and anise and bearing a name that would forever after connote, for me, that remote and lacquered world of womanhood in which she and Anne had spent such easy days, and which I could never penetrate—Apres I’Ondee?
The day before Thanksgiving Nancy called and asked if I could stop by after work to help her get the house ready for the Boyds. I readily agreed. The pleasure of holidays, it has often seemed to me, is mostly anticipatory, which is perhaps why, today, I recall those hours that I spent cleaning and cooking with Nancy, scrubbing the bathtub while she ironed the “Vera” sheets and made the bed, with a far greater fondness than I do the dinner itself. She was in a euphoria of planning. Already she had hounded Daphne into putting away everything that gave her room a sense of identity. Gone were the books, the frog figurines, the posters. Two drawers had been emptied and part of the closet cleared. Her mother’ orders Daphne obeyed flatly and without protest, since they fed a resentment the cultivation of which, at this stage in her life, was one of her principal occupations. With the pitiless dispassion of adolescence, of the child who believes that she will never make the mistakes that dog her elders, Daphne observed her mother as she went about the onerous routine of constructing a Active guest room, a stage set to last only two nights. Ben watched too, though with greater empathy: Although he would not be leaving home for two years, already he had begun composing a poem of farewell, in which the protagonist, from the vantage point of his Wellspring dorm room, regards with smug compassion the spectacle of his mother at the supermarket, buying his favorite treats and then bursting into tears upon the realization that he will no longer be home to eat them. I know this because, several weeks later, he read the poem aloud to us. “Isn’t he gifted?” Nancy asked, her eyes on the music desk.
As the afternoon wore away, Nancy grew more nervous. What would Anne look like? she wondered. Would she have quit smoking, gained weight, lost weight? “I wonder why she decided to come,” Nancy said at the piano. “I mean, why she really decided to come. What do you think, Denny?”
“To see you, of course.”
“Is that it, though? Is that all?”
We retreated to the kitchen, where we washed vegetables and tore up bread for the stuffing. It was now becoming clear that as much as it excited her, the prospect of Anne’ visit also filled Nancy with dread. She confided that every time the phone rang, part of her hoped that it would be Anne, calling to cancel—"because then, at the very least, I wouldn’t have to deal with any of it. The awkwardness, and having to explain about Mark, and the new husband.” What if the old connection no longer surged? What if, on reuniting, she and Anne felt nothing, or worse (was it worse?) felt too much—a tug of longing so intense it could engender only sorrow, given how rarely they were now able to see each other? In the first case, she would greet Anne’ departure with relief, in the second with regret, in both with an inconsolable ache of loss.
She did not sleep well that night (or so she told me the next morning). I came over early, and together we stuffed the turkey, taking care to adjust the thermometer before arranging it in its pan. Into the oven the bird went. Nancy took off her apron; lit a cigarette. She was harrowed by anxiety, while I, on the contrary, felt rising in me the richest flush of pleasure. That morning was the apogee of my love for Nancy, a love the name of which I dared not speak, and which I had tried, ironically, to consummate through my affair with her husband. Later I grew to love Ernest for himself; that Thanksgiving, he was an irrelevance. It was Nancy with whom I was besotted, and the passionate suitor, as all passionate suitors know, is profoundly selfish. How I longed for her to weep, just so that I could kiss away her tears! No matter that what preoccupied her was another love, no matter that I was as irrelevant to her, at that moment, as Ernest was to me! This was my chance to prove myself. So I bustled about, chopping carrots, setting the table, as effervescent as Daphne was sullen. I even took care, for once, to load the dishwasher to Nancy’ exact specifications, and was disappointed when, rather than peering inside to make sure I’d misarranged the plates, she slammed the door shut and switched the thing on without a word—when for once I had done a perfect job!
It was close to one o’clock. Nancy was basting the turkey for the umpteenth time. Dinner was scheduled for four, with the other guests invited for three. The Boyds’ flight had landed, on time, at ten-thirty (Nancy had checked with TWA), which meant that they should have arrived in Wellspring at twelve-fifteen. Ernest was sequestered in his office above the garage. Ben and Daphne were playing Scrabble at the tulip table. Already Mark had made his mournful holiday call; tears had been shed at his description of Vancouver going about its regular business, an ordinary weekday in Canada, which he and some of his fellow draft dodgers were going to try to make more cheerful by preparing a little feast of their own, with a soy loaf in the shape of a turkey. The memory of that call must have touched some nerve of maternal affection in Nancy, for now she stole up behind Ben and rubbed his shoulders.
“Mom, stop,” he said.
“Lucid,” she whispered. “Right there, the double letter score—”
“Will you please not help him?” Daphne asked.
“Sorry. What time is it?”
“Five past one.”
“I wonder why they haven’t gotten here. Maybe they had an accident. Or got lost.”
“Then they’d have called.”
“Or maybe they pulled in for gas in a bad neighborhood and got held up,” Ben interjected helpfully. “That happened to Hettie Longabaugh’ sister, remember? People who don’t know L.A.—”
“But if they rented a car, it would have a full tank.”
“It’ my fault,” Nancy said. “I should have sent Ernest to pick them up.”
Daphne switched on the television. “Poor mother, always so worried,” she said, with the easy gravity of a girl whom sex has endowed with delusions of maturity. “Anyway, a few hours in Compton would probably do them some good. Let them see how the other half lives, while we stuff ourselves with turkey.”
“Maybe I should call the highway patrol—”
“Just give them another hour. They could have stopped for lunch.”
“On Thanksgiving?”
Little Hans started to bark. “Oh, I hope that’ them,” Nancy said.
“It could be Glenn,” Daphne said, adjusting her hair. “He said he might come
early.”
We all hurried to the front hall. Little Hans had his paws on the stained glass of the door, which Nancy opened. Outside a man and a woman in heavy East Coast coats were pulling luggage out of the trunk of a red Chevrolet.
“Anne, thank goodness!” Nancy cried, and ran to embrace her. They kissed and wept, and Anne introduced Jonah Boyd. Nancy reached for his hand; he pulled her closer and kissed her on both cheeks, which seemed both to fluster and please her. “Kids, come help with the luggage!” she yelled, and Daphne and Ben shuffled over to the car, pretending annoyance but obviously curious and not unhappy to see Anne again, and to meet her new husband. At first Anne held them at a distance, expressing astonishment at how much they had grown. Then, that convention dispensed with, she hugged them both.
Burdened with luggage, the group made its way into the house, Little Hans picking up the rear.
As for me, I hung back. No one had yet asked me to do anything.
I was introduced. Jonah Boyd appeared to be about forty-five. He had pink cheeks and a carefully groomed, salt-and-pepper mustache. His hair, given his age, was surprisingly luxuriant, his clothes immaculate—dark suit, white shirt, and striped tie. By contrast, Anne was wearing a wool coat that had been torn near the pocket and then clumsily restitched, and she carried an enormous, shapeless handbag. She had shaggy red hair that was graying at the roots, nicotine-stained teeth, a thick middle. Also, her eye makeup was smudged in a way that suggested she had been weeping.
All at once a sensation of misplaced triumph welled up in me. This Anne was a far cry from the willowy creature Nancy had described. Certainly they could never have shared clothes! I admit, my rival’ sordid demeanor—not to mention the expression of concern and disappointment that claimed Nancy’ face as she gave Anne the once-over—sparked in me an unexpected confidence, and I shook Anne’ hand heartily. “I’m Denny, Dr. Wright’ secretary,” I said. “Welcome to California.”
“So you’re the new four-hand partner.”
“Why yes,” I answered with surprise. Until that moment, I’d had no idea that Nancy had even mentioned me to Anne.
“We all rely on Denny,” Nancy said. Then she said, “Let me show you to your room,” and led the Boyds down the hall. Daphne and I followed. “Ernest’ in his office. He has a new office above the garage. He should be down in a few minutes.”
“This is a wonderful house,” Boyd said, in a rich, slightly cracked baritone.
“Oh, thanks. It’ nothing fancy, but we like it. And here’ the guest room.”
Daphne winced.
We crossed the threshold into the newly made room, which indeed looked quite guest roomish. “Very nice,” Boyd said.
“Wait a minute—” Anne stopped in her tracks. “I knew someone was missing. Where’ Mark?”
“Oh, he’ in Vancouver.”
“Vancouver!”
“Yes. He went in July to assert his opposition to the war.”
“You mean he’ a draft dodger?”
Nancy’ smile collapsed into a sort of tremble of the lips.
“Sweetheart, that’ not a very nice way of putting it,” Boyd said, resting a hand on his wife’ shoulder in a gesture that might have been protective and might have been a warning. “Anyway, I, for one, stand completely behind the draft resisters. I fought in Korea, you know. A brutalizing experience. If I were in his shoes, I’d do the same thing.”
“Thank you, Mr. Boyd.”
“Jonah.”
“Jonah. I appreciate that.”
“Oh, Nancy, you must miss him,” Anne said, sitting down on the bed. “And on Thanksgiving!”
Tears rimmed Nancy’ eyes. “I do miss him,” she said. “But I also respect that he’ doing what he feels he has to.” She straightened her back. “Well, you two must want to wash up. I’ve got the turkey to attend to. Whenever you’re ready, just come into the living room, and Ernest will make everyone drinks.”
We left, closing the door behind us. Back in the kitchen, Nancy blotted her eyes, gave Daphne an unwanted hug, and checked to see if the turkey’ thermometer had popped. (It had not.) Then she arranged some crackers around a cheese ball rolled in pecans and a pile of rumaki, and we adjourned to the living room, where Anne was settling herself on the cat-stained leather chair, Boyd on the sofa. By now it was fairly obvious, at least to me, that the Boyds had been fighting, and that this was probably why they had been late. You could tell from the puffiness of Anne’ eyes, the slight rasp in her voice—a weeper’ rasp, as opposed to a smoker’. And Boyd himself was smiling too broadly and talking too loudly, in that way of men who believe in always putting on a brave face, even when the house is falling down around them. Every now and then he shot a glance of irritation at his wife, who was clearly incapable of such emotion-masking niceties.
Soon Ernest came down from his eyrie. He kissed Anne, and shook Boyd’ hand manfully.
“The Boyds would like drinks,” Nancy said. In those days, women did not mix drinks.
“Certainly,” Ernest said. “What’ll it be?”
“Just Coca-Cola for me, thanks,” said Boyd.
“And you, Anne?”
“Gin and tonic. And make it strong. After that trip, I need it.”
“Oh, was there turbulence?” Nancy asked.
“Only in the car on the way from the airport.”
Nancy gave a trill-like laugh. “Anne, always such a card!”
“No, but seriously, Ernest, I want your professional opinion on something.”
“Honey, do we really have to go into all that?” Boyd asked.
“Be quiet, Jonah—it’ about a problem that arose on the way here from the airport, and not for the first time, and frankly I’m very, very upset about this, even though my husband insists on pretending nothing’ the matter.”
“Oh yes?” Ernest said. (As a rule, psychoanalysts loathe being asked to give free advice.)
“Darling,” Boyd said, “I really can’t imagine why Dr. Wright should be remotely interested in our trivial little—”
“Ernest, you’re a shrink. Wouldn’t you agree that there’ sometimes more to the trivial than meets the eye?”
“I suppose,” Ernest said, handing Anne her drink, “though of course, as Freud himself noted, not everything has a hidden meaning. Sometimes a cigar and all that. Well, cin-cin.”
“Cheers,” said Nancy.
“This really is a beautiful house,” Boyd said. “Why, do you know this is the first time in my life I’ve been to California?”
“He keeps losing them.”
“Losing what?”
“Sweetheart—”
“His notebooks. That’ why we were late. He left them on the plane, in the seatback pocket. We were halfway here in the car when suddenly he says, ‘They’re not in my briefcase.’ And then we have to turn around and make a mad dash back to the airport and run screaming down the concourse to stop the plane before it takes off again.”
“Notebooks?”
“Sorry, I should have explained. He writes in notebooks. His new novel.”
“My lady wife is making a mountain out of a molehill,” Boyd said. “It’ true, in a moment of inattention, I left the notebooks in the seatback pocket, thinking I’d already put them in my briefcase. But then I realized they were missing, we went back to the airport, and I retrieved them. The cleaners had taken them off the plane and left them with the gate agent. All this running screaming down the runway—”
“The concourse.”
“—running screaming down the concourse is my wife’ somewhat hysterical embellishment.”
Tears were suddenly streaming down Anne’ cheeks. “You just don’t understand,” she said. “You don’t realize how this is torturing me—”
“Excuse me,” Ernest said, “but didn’t you make a spare copy?”
“No, he did not! He refuses, simply refuses, no matter how much I beg him. See, Jonah? I’m not the only one who thinks this is craziness. Tell him it’ craziness,
Ernest.”
“I’m not sure it’ anything so grave as that,” said Ernest, who was evidently becoming interested in spite of himself. “But I do think it would make sense—that it would be, well, practical—to keep a copy safe somewhere. As a precaution.”
“Whenever we go on a trip, if Ernest’ working on an article or something, he puts a copy in the refrigerator,” Nancy said brightly, “because there, at least, it should be safe in case of a fire.”
“I suppose it has always been my folly,” Boyd said, “to trust to the protection of the muse.”
Ernest raised his eyebrows, perhaps in response to Boyd’ antiquated way of speaking, which could be charming or off-putting, depending on your point of view.
“Do you see what I’m up against?” Anne asked. “I mean, here we are talking about this novel for which he’ been paid a lot—I mean, a lot—of money, and that he claims to care about more than anything in the world, even more than me, he said once. And what does he do? He ‘trusts to the protection of the muse.’ Only the muse is falling down on the job! This spring, for instance—we were getting off the train in New York, when he dropped one of the notebooks between the platform and the train, right onto the tracks.”
“Yes, and the stationmaster climbed down and got it for me, didn’t he?”
“It must be terrifying to think you’ve lost something precious,” Nancy said to no one in particular.
The Body of Jonah Boyd Page 6