Jake detected a note of bitterness to her voice, but said nothing.
“I, however, have no such ambitions. I just want a simple life at home with my husband. And someday…our children.” She blushed at the last part, looking away.
Jake beamed, his heart swelling. “You have no idea how much comfort that brings me, Miss…I mean…Lilly. I feared you wouldn’t be satisfied, staying home all day. Sadie often complained of the monotony, especially since she had no children to—” he cut himself off. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t bring her up.” He tugged on Lilly’s arm a bit, leading her down the sidewalk once more.
“It’s alright. I understand. And you really don’t have to worry. I’ve had my fill of social events. I’m not saying I wouldn’t attend any, especially if you wanted to attend one, and surely once the children are older, they’d like to attend a fair or church event. But I’m eager to be a homebody, and keep to myself. If I need social interaction, I could be quite happy making friends with a neighbor or joining a sewing circle, or some such.”
Jake let out a whoosh of air that he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding. “I’m so relieved to hear that. I guess I’m just a bit gun-shy, after…you know. I think we’ll get on together very well, Lilly.”
“I think so, too.” She looked up at him, her smile lighting up her whole face.
Jake could hear Mrs. Porter’s footsteps a ways off behind them, following at the same slow pace. They walked on, discussing the wedding arrangements, both happy to discover that each wanted the wedding to take place as soon as possible. Jake was especially happy, given that he was covering the expenses at a fairly nice hotel for Lilly, until they married. He was happy to do so, but his savings were dwindling due to the expense of the entire situation, and every penny saved could be put into the wedding, or the honeymoon, or starting their new life together.
That’s not the real reason, though, he thought. I’m just so eager to have Lilly to myself…all of her. He truly did feel that they were very compatible, and suspected they’d spend many evenings in front of the woodstove, talking and laughing together. But he couldn’t fool himself into believing that he wasn’t eager to have her in his bed. He did long for her company, and to get to know every quirk of her personality…and hopefully someday, look upon her with love. But he’d had the comfort of a wife for too many years, and had spent too many interceding years alone…he couldn’t help that his thoughts were so often pulled to images of the moment he’d finally get to know Lilly intimately.
Their wedding couldn’t come soon enough.
***
What am I going to do? Lilly felt her cheeks flame as she put her hand in the crook of Jake’s arm. She felt flushed, and could feel the perspiration gathering again on her brow. The constraint of her corset made it difficult to breathe, and for a moment she felt faint. She could barely tolerate even being close to a man—how was she to get through the wedding night?
Lilly had learned the basic mechanics of procreation from her mother when she was thirteen, and Mrs. Abernathy had kindly and quietly filled her in on what to expect—after the family of five seated near them on the train had gone to wash up before a meal. Lilly had thought she could get through it, but now, with the close proximity of a flesh-and-blood man, her head was a cauldron of emotions, threatening to boil over.
The scent of him, the warmth of his arm under her hand, the way he looked at her when he smiled—those things all blended together and stirred feelings within her that she hadn’t felt before. But mixed in with those feelings ran an undercurrent of apprehension and a kind of primal fear. She couldn’t control it, even though she truly felt Jake was a good man, and not the kind to inspire fear. It was a biological reaction—like when the doctor tapped his little rubber hammer-like instrument on her knee as a child, and made it jump. Men just made her uncomfortable when they drew close.
And she was days away from marrying one.
As the conversation continued, she found him to be engaging, kind, and solicitous for her needs. She couldn’t ask for a better specimen of a man, it seemed. As they walked, she felt more at ease. Maybe if I take things slow…maybe it won’t be so bad. But how could she ask him to take things slow, without revealing her shame to him? Already, she was so consumed with the guilt of keeping her secret, that she felt it must be written on her face.
Was she even worthy to be his wife?
***
June 19, 1890
Two days later, Lilly stood before the floor-length mirror in her hotel room, amazed at the elegant swirls of hair that Mrs. Porter had arranged on top of her head. A small hat trimmed in a deep pink silk ribbon perched atop the curls, and wispy tendrils trailed down here and there, curled to perfection.
“I can’t believe it! I actually look…”
“Beautiful.” Mrs. Porter sighed, leaning around from behind and peering at Lilly’s reflection. “I just love weddings.”
“It’s a good thing you do, since it comes with the job.”
“Actually, it doesn’t. Most marriage agencies put the girls on a train and never see them again. I couldn’t even get my marriage broker to answer my letter when I complained to him about what a truly evil a man they had matched me up with.” She sighed and walked to the window, rubbing her burgeoning belly. “But I love weddings. I love the twitchy excitement, the shining eyes, the anticipation, the resplendent hair and dress of the bride, the pale face of the groom. I just love…love. I think everyone deserves it. Or at least, a chance at it. And I enjoy watching it blossom.”
Mrs. Porter turned back to Lilly, and smiled. “That’s why I attend each wedding for my girls. Wild horses couldn’t drag me away. Although I’m sure Clay would have me locked up in my bedroom right now, if he could.”
“He’s a nervous father?”
Mrs. Porter laughed. “That’s an understatement. He’ll be fine once this little one is born.” She gave her belly a pat. “It’s just my time of confinement that bothers him. But I told him that if I have to live in the Wild West, I’m not going to sit around like a high-born lady back East, with her feet up, cooped up in her own house with nothing to do but needlework, painting, and reading books. Those women have housemaids and a lady’s maid to keep them company and do all the work for them. We don’t. Someone has to care for Grace, and I need people to talk to, or I’ll end up in an asylum.”
“You don’t think Jake will expect me to stay cooped up when I’m with child, do you?” Lilly was horrified at the thought. She didn’t know anyone in Helena besides Mrs. Porter…no one would come to see her!
“Oh, my, no. The women around here may keep to home a bit more when they are expecting, especially toward the end, but they all have families to care for, households to run, and errands to do. If a woman doesn’t have relatives to help out, then they have to do most of it themselves. I can’t imagine Mr. Morgan doesn’t understand that. My husband just…well, there’s a reason he’s more uptight than most men when it comes to this subject. Every man has at least one thing that irks him, and my safety is that one thing, for him.”
“Oh. Good.” Lilly lifted the skirts of the new pink dress Jacob Morgan had insisted on buying her—along with the new hat from the local milliner—and sat on the bed. “I enjoy being outside. I’d hate to be stuck in bed.”
The idea of being in bed brought her thoughts around—yet again—to the wedding night. The panic began to creep in again, and Mrs. Porter must have seen something in her eyes, because she rushed over to sit beside her.
“What is it? You’re as pale as a ghost! It’s nerves, isn’t it?”
Lilly managed a stiff nod. Oh, if you only knew!
“Don’t worry. I really do think Mr. Morgan will make an amiable husband. He seems to be a kind man, and—don’t tell him I told you this—but he is just as anxious as you are about this wedding. He is worried that you won’t be happy with him, I think.”
“Is he?” She relaxed a little, her mind diverted. “He said something al
ong those lines the other day, but I thought maybe he was trying to make me feel better.”
Mrs. Porter nodded. “I heard Clay and Mr. Kirschner—remember, you met him the other day—whispering and laughing yesterday, talking about how Mr. Morgan was hiding out in the butcher shop the day we brought you home, trying to get a peek at you.”
“I had no idea! And I’m glad I didn’t know—I’d have been a wreck if I’d known he was there, seeing me so bedraggled, coming straight from the train.”
“Believe me, he shouldn’t have been there.” Mrs. Porter pressed her lips together in irritation. “Had I known, I’d have dragged him back home by the ear. He knows the rules. Mr. Porter and Mr. Kirschner both think I’m in the dark about the whole thing. You’d think by now that they’d learn nothing slips by me. I know everything that happens in that shop, sooner or later.”
“I believe it!” Lilly laughed, her discomfiture melting away. Mrs. Porter had a way of making people feel comfortable, in spite of her reserved manner.
When Lilly’s laughter had died away, Mrs. Porter cleared her throat and clasped her hands primly over her belly. “Lilly…have you…did your mother ever talk to you about…boys? You know…the wedding night?”
“Oh!” Lilly blushed, and the fear reared its ugly head once more. “Yes. That is…mother told me some, and new friend that I met on the train filled in the details for me. I think I’m well-prepared now.”
“Thank goodness!” Mrs. Porter heaved a sigh of relief. “I’m happy to share that information with my girls—you’d be surprised how little some of them know—but it’s certainly my least comfortable duty as a marriage facilitator.”
“I think I’ll be fine,” Lilly lied.
“You’re really apprehensive about it, aren’t you?” Mrs. Porter examined her expression, then nodded. “You are. But you don’t need to be. It’s not half as scary as you think it will be. In fact, once things get started, it’s actually very nice, and it keeps getting better. There’s nothing at all to worry about, I promise.”
If only that could be true for me, Lilly thought.
Chapter 8
The small church was almost empty, with only the Porters, Mr. Kirschner, Lilly, Jake, and the Pastor clustered up at the front of the church. Clay Porter stood up with Jake, since he was one of Jake’s few friends—Jake’s closest friend, Dr. Cornelius Archer, had been called away for an emergency. Madeline Porter stood in as Lilly’s matron of honor. Little Grace sat on Mr. Kirschner’s lap in the front row, gurgling throughout the service.
Lilly thought it a little odd that Jake didn’t have more friends attending, since he’d lived in the area for years, but he had explained that he was a pretty quiet fellow and didn’t make friends as easily as he would have liked. She felt there was more to it, but pushed aside her presumptions. Not everyone was the outgoing sort.
Taking her place beside Jake, Lilly’s insides were like jelly. But as soon as she looked into his eyes, a layer of calm descended upon her, and her nerves were stilled. His presence alongside her provided a sense of safety and belonging that she had not felt since the moment she realized she had essentially lost almost her whole family.
Barely aware of what words she was repeating, she made it through the vows in a fog, and was surprised when Jake leaned over to plant a chaste kiss on her lips. He was beaming.
He’s happy. He likes me. The words played over and over in her mind, filling her with a great happiness, too. She wouldn’t have to go back to Parker Hill. Jake would protect her—and eventually, love her—forever.
***
Jake stood outside the church with the wedding party. The men clapped him on the back, and Mrs. Porter congratulated him. He couldn’t focus much on what any of them were saying, because he kept sneaking looks at his new bride. She was ravishing. He wanted to pinch himself, to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.
She was so innocent and sweet. It felt nice standing beside her. He felt like maybe—finally—he’d found the right woman for him. A woman he could trust.
She stood beside him, smiling, almost ethereal in her beauty, with her dark pink dress and artfully-coiled hair. He wished, now, that he’d put out an invitation to the whole church, so they could all see his radiant bride. He had tried to keep it very small and private, only to avoid the gossip and scathing looks from certain townspeople.
But now, seeing Lilly, he realized he’d been selfish. This was her special day, and he felt like a heel for giving her nothing more than a tiny ceremony, with the intention of taking her straight home.
As the pastor left and the Porters and Mr. Kirschner said their goodbyes, he turned to her and took her hand in his.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t plan a more elaborate wedding. I know there’s usually some kind of party or dinner after a wedding, but since I don’t have any family out West and few friends, I didn’t see the point. Or rather, I felt out of my element and just took the easy way out. Please, let me take you out to eat at the hotel restaurant. It would be such a shame if you weren’t able to show off your new dress. And I admit, I’m eager to show off my adorable new wife.”
“I would enjoy that.” He held out his arm, and this time he was glad to see she didn’t shrink away from him. She didn’t seem to be as shy as he had first thought.
He walked her to his wagon and helped her in. He was ready to burst, he was so happy and proud to be sitting beside her. He knew a few of the men in town had snickered that he’d be getting an old spinster. Was it prideful that he wanted to show off Lilly, and prove everyone wrong?
He caught a few stares as they turned onto Main Street, and even more once they’d stopped and he got out to help Lilly down. He led her into the hotel she had been staying in, and over to the restaurant doorway.
Once seated, he was very aware of the looks that the locals were giving them. The strangers didn’t pay them much mind, except for one or two young men who had obviously noticed Lilly. But the locals glanced over frequently—the men eyeing Lilly, while the women gave both Jake and Lilly disapproving looks. He hoped Lilly wouldn’t notice.
Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. He hadn’t yet told her about the gossip she might have to endure.
“Everything looks so good, I can’t decide,” Lilly said as she perused the menu. “I’ve found the food here to be remarkable.”
“I’m glad.” Jake was relieved she was paying more attention to the menu than the scathing looks of Mrs. Birdwell, in particular, who was sitting in the corner with her husband. No doubt there would be rumors galore circling the town by sundown, if Mrs. Birdwell had her way.
They ordered their food, and Lilly gushed about the wedding, and thanked him again for the dress.
“Lilly, I’m glad you like it, but please don’t see it as a favor I’ve done for you. What’s mine is yours, now, and you shouldn’t worry about the cost.”
“You’re right, of course. I just didn’t expect such a marvelous dress, after the great expense of bringing me out here.”
“Stop right there,” he interrupted. “I consider myself the luckiest man alive, right now, and I don’t want to ever hear you talk of the expense of your trip again. As far as I’m concerned, it was a paltry sum, when I consider the great treasure it brought me.”
He took her hand across the table, and she blushed, pulling back. “Mr. Morgan, not here.”
“If you insist, Mrs. Morgan.” He winked at her, then lowered his voice to a whisper. “I do hope you get used to calling me Jake soon, or it will make the wedding night awkward for me.”
The color drained from Lilly’s face as she looked down at her lap, fidgeting.
Am I being to forward? I should be more sensitive—she’s probably worried someone will overhear. “I’m sorry, I won’t mention that again until we’re at home.”
She flashed him a strained smile, and looked down again. “I wonder how long the food will be? I’m famished.”
Jake let her change the subject, and they talked of incon
sequential things. He hoped he hadn’t ruined things between them for the night—he knew that sometimes if he said something to upset Sadie, it would ruin things, and she wouldn’t be in a “romantic” mood again for a day or two. Sometimes longer, if she was really in a fit of pique.
Lilly seemed tense for the duration of the meal, and when he led her upstairs to her hotel room to gather up her belongings, her timidity was unmistakable.
“Everything is packed except the things I used this morning to get ready. It will only take a minute.”
“Take your time.” Jake sat on the bed to wait.
Lilly froze, and for a moment, he feared she would bolt from the room. Then she turned away and gathered up items from the dresser top. He saw her face reflected in the mirror—the raw terror in her eyes.
“Lilly.”
She froze again. “Yes?” She didn’t turn around.
“Are you alright? You look terrified.”
She looked up, then, her eyes meeting his in the mirror. He could almost see the mask descend over her face, the false smile falling into place. His heart clenched. He’d seen that mask before, with Sadie, when she told him that everything was fine in those last few weeks before she left.
An overwhelming urge to flee—to run, to leave, before his heart could be broken again—came over him. He stood up, not knowing what he would do next. Then he did what he knew was right. He crossed over to his wife, putting his hand gently on her shoulder, and turning her to face him.
A flicker of fear passed through her eyes again.
“Lilly, what’s wrong? Don’t tell me it’s nothing. I know the look of a woman who is hiding something. I’ve seen it before—though I didn’t recognize it at the time—and I don’t ever want to see it again. Please. Tell me.”
Her mouth opened, but no sound came out.
“Lilly, you took vows today to love, honor, and obey, until death parts us. A big part of marriage is being honest. I need you to be honest with me.”
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