Now, both pieces torture and remind me that he hasn’t occupied either in days.
My apartment has never been so full or felt so empty.
I still haven’t fully caught my breath.
But how can I? My lungs will never expand properly while sliced in two.
Regret—I’m living with it.
He’s there, far away, and I’m here.
There are reasons, and they’re important ones.
But my heart understands none of them.
Thirty-Five
The door opens, and the warm scent of cinnamon invades my sense of smell as I enter the restaurant. I love this place. The small crowded dining space is bustling with patrons. Mara and I meet for brunch often, but it’s been months since we’ve been here.
“Ruby!”
I whip my head around, finding Mara and Kenzie seated together near the window. Unbuttoning my long wool coat, I join them at the booth, shaking a few flakes of snow from my hair.
“Hey, guys,” I say, taking a seat opposite from them. “You been here long?”
“No,” Kenzie states, her strawberry-blonde hair flying away due to the static, dry air. “We just sat down.”
“Oh, good.” I drape my coat over the seat next to me.
The waitress stops by and takes our drink orders as I continue to settle in, unfolding the napkin on my lap.
“How have you been, Rubes?” Mara asks.
“Okay, I guess.” I lift one shoulder, trying to play off how miserable and out of sorts I’ve been.
“When did he leave?”
My stomach drops. Mara’s asking about Brent.
“A week ago.” I count every lonely day in my head. “It’s been exactly a week.”
“Have you talked to him?”
“Yeah. We talk every day, but it’s just not the same.”
The waitress comes back and drops off our drinks of coffee and OJ. She takes our orders, and I get the same French toast that I do every time we come.
“I’m sure it’s hard,” Mara continues our conversation. “You two will make it work. Do you have any plans to see each other again soon?”
“Not yet.” I sip my coffee. “He doesn’t have many breaks, and the ones he does have are when I’m in school.”
“Nothing on the weekends?” Kenzie questions.
“Only one day.” I sigh, defeated. “It’s just hard to figure it out right now, and they start scrimmages, you know friendlies with other teams, next Saturday. He has to travel for them.”
“Do you think you’ll see him maybe after his scrimmages are done?”
“Maybe. We’re still trying get all the logistics worked out about a visit.” I focus on the snow lightly falling outside. “It’s just so different. He was here every day, and now, he’s not. Plus, we didn’t exactly part on the best terms.”
“Did something happen?” Mara asks, concerned.
“Sort of, but it’s not worth getting into it. He didn’t do anything wrong.”
The waitress stops by and tops off our coffees, and in unison, Mara and Kenzie dump more sugar packets into their hot dark liquid.
“Let’s talk about something else. So, how’s work, Kenzie?” I pull my sleeves down over my hands and cup the hot mug.
“It’s going really well, but I think I’m going to start looking for a new job.” She shares a meaningful glance with Mara.
“Oh, yeah?” I inquire. “Why’s that?”
“Actually,” Kenzie says, clearing her throat, “Mara has some big news.”
I tilt my head toward Mara. “What kind of news?”
“I got promoted,” she says matter-of-factly, twirling one of her short curls.
“That’s so great, Mar.” I sit back, holding the mug near my chest. “You’ve really been working your ass off. I’m glad it’s finally paying off.”
“She really has,” Kenzie agrees. “It’s going to be great, and it’s in a new city.”
“A new city?” I ask, surprised.
Mara grabs the cream. “Yeah, the position was only open in the New York office.”
“Oh.” I’m crestfallen. This is not the news I wanted to hear right now. Mara is my closet friend in Chicago, and I’m not ready to say good-bye to someone else so soon. “Well, congratulations. It’s really great, Mara.”
What a mood killer.
“Thanks, Rubes,” she says in an apologetic tone, understanding my dismay. “I appreciate that.”
“So, when do you start?”
“In about a month.”
She adjusts her hand under the table. I assume she’s holding Kenzie’s hand.
“We’re going to look at apartments next week,” Mara adds.
“You’re going with her?” I address Kenzie.
“Yeah, I am.” Kenzie offers a tight-lipped smile. “So, that’s why I need to look for a new job.”
The waitress stops at the end of our table with our meals—French toast for all, topped in fruit and whipped cream. It smells delicious, but my appetite is suddenly nonexistent. The fact that Mara is leaving for a new job with Kenzie by her side just leaves me feeling sorry for myself and unsettled in general. Pity party for one is happening right now.
Cutting the toast into bite-size pieces, I ruminate over the relationships in my life. Everyone seems to be moving on while I’m still here doing exactly what I have been for the last three years. Without taking a single bite, I rest the cutlery on the plate and sit back with the mug of coffee in my hand. Outside, couples pass by, hand in hand, on the street, bundled tight…and together.
“Hey, Rubes,” Mara says, beckoning my attention. “How is school going? You’re almost done, right?”
Apparently, my downer attitude is noticeable. I have to love Mara. She’s always trying to make the best of the uncomfortable mood. I’m really going to miss her.
“Yeah,” I reply, sitting up and taking the fork back into my hand. “I have this quarter and only three classes to take next quarter. Then, I can graduate.”
“Wow, Rubes,” she responds, slightly astonished. “I had no idea you were so close to being done.”
“Yeah, I loaded my classes this quarter just to be on the safe side for the last term.” I bite into the cinnamon-infused toast stuffed with mascarpone. It’s so freaking good. Why was I depriving myself of this?
“I can’t believe it’s finally coming to an end. It seems like you’ve been going forever.”
I smirk in agreement. “I kind of have.”
“I don’t mean to sound like your mother or anything, but I’m sort of proud of you.”
It’s easy to see that she is. There’s a touch of pride and approval under her expression.
“Thanks, Mar.”
“It’s fantastic, Ruby,” Kenzie chimes in. “I know it’s hard, going to school and working. I did the same thing. It takes a lot of work, and it took me a while to get through. You seem to have flown through this year though.”
I slice a berry in half. “Thanks. I guess I was just really focused.”
“What do you plan to do after you graduate?” Mara asks.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I’m still undecided.”
“About what? Grad school?”
“Yeah. I’m not sure if I want to go or not.”
“Have you at least applied?”
“Oh, yeah. I applied to four schools. The University of Chicago already accepted me, thanks to some really great recommendations. But I don’t know.”
Mara purses her lips. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with some soccer player, would it?”
“Maybe.” I poke at my breakfast since my stomach suddenly doesn’t want anything else. “I don’t know.”
“What does he say?”
“He says it’s up to me.” I let go of my fork and push the plate away. “He doesn’t want to take away my choices, and he’ll support anything that I want to do.”
“And what do you think you want to do?” Mara asks.
; “I really don’t know.” I cross my arms. “I just don’t want to regret anything.”
“If you follow your heart, you won’t regret a thing,” Kenzie says sheepishly. Her mouth slightly twitches, containing a sorrowful grin.
Mara takes her hand, and Kenzie’s expression widens into contentment.
“You’ll figure out the right thing to do,” Mara encourages.
“There’s just so much to consider,” I say.
“Not really. I think you already know what you want to do. You just aren’t listening to yourself yet.”
Thirty-Six
“Come on up,” I say into the intercom, buzzing Cody, Shauna, and Scarlet into my building.
It’s been over two months since I saw them at Thanksgiving. They’re here on business, but Shauna didn’t need to come for their appointment. She decided to tag along, so they could stop by, and we could all visit.
I’m really excited to see Scarlet, and I’m pretty sure she’s grown a lot based on her pictures. She was so tiny when they took her home, but her appearance has changed so much in such a short period of time.
Flipping the dead bolt, I open the door and lean against its frame with my body facing the steps. It’s not long before Cody’s dark brown hair comes into view with Shauna’s burst of fire waves appearing behind him. Tall and proud, he approaches, carrying a baby car seat in one hand and a white bag in the other.
“I brought you a present,” he announces a few feet away, holding up the bag.
“Oh, yeah? What’s that?”
“Alterra Coffee, your favorite.” He reaches the door and sets Scarlet, asleep in the black carrier, onto the floor. Cody circles an arm over my shoulder. “Good to see you.”
“You, too.” I pat him on the back once and then release him from our greeting.
“Hi, Ruby,” Shauna says, her arms welcoming me. “You look good.”
“Thanks.” I give her a good squeeze and step away.
She’s so beautiful. Everything about her is vibrant and pure. Her whole being is glowing, even with the dark circles under her eyes.
“You look amazing,” I compliment her.
“Yeah? I feel pretty good.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” Stepping backward into my apartment, I gesture for them to follow. “Come on in.”
They enter, and I hang their coats in the closet that has noticeably more space since Brent’s departure almost ten days ago.
“Why don’t you guys take a seat?” I suggest.
They make their way to the sofa. Cody carries Scarlet in one hand. She is still asleep in her seat.
“This is new,” Cody says, plopping down onto the comfy blue two-seater.
Shauna sits down beside him, closest to Scarlet.
“When did you decide to get furniture?” he asks.
“I didn’t.” I place the small bag containing the ground coffee on the kitchen counter. “Brent did. They’re his. I’m just storing them for him.”
Shauna laughs. “Who stores furniture for someone that lives so far away?”
“I know, right?” I reply, walking toward the fridge. “Can I get you guys anything to drink?”
“No, thanks,” Cody says.
“I’ll take some water, if you don’t mind,” Shauna requests. “Ever since having Scarlet, I feel like I’m always thirsty.”
I fill a glass with water, transfer it into her waiting hand, and then step over to where Scarlet is resting. Squatting down, I look closer at one of the most beautiful faces I’ve ever seen. Her serene features, so at peace in her slumber, twitch now and then, like she’s dreaming. Her eyes flutter, and her mouth suckles. She’s so innocent and pure.
“She’s gorgeous,” I say softly to avoid disturbing her. “Has she been good for you?”
“She’s been great,” Shauna says. “She’s been gaining weight and sleeping pretty good at night, too.”
Cody huffs in disbelief. “Yeah, she only gets up twice in the night as opposed to four times like she used to.”
“Oh, quit your whining,” Shauna teases, shoving his shoulder. “It’s not like you get up with her.”
“Why should I?” He shrugs. “She wants boob. It’s not like I can really help in that department.”
Over my shoulder, I say, “Classy, Cody. Nothing but class.”
“Hey, I change diapers.”
“Yes, you do, babe,” Shauna says, rubbing his back. “And you help pick out her cute outfits.”
“You’re heading down the pink aisle, picking out lacy things?” I tease.
“Don’t be talking crazy. The only lacy things I care about belong on the floor.”
“Eww…too much information.” I turn my focus back to Scarlet, who is still blissfully slumbering. Underneath her cotton beanie, strands of hair peek out in a shock of red. “Her hair is changing?”
“It is,” Shauna says near my shoulder, scooting in closer. “And her eyes are, too. Wait until you see them. They are getting so light, almost clear, like Cody’s.”
“She’s amazing,” I breathe, rising. I move to take a more permanent seat across from the new parents. “I’m glad she’s doing so well.”
“We are, too.” Shauna takes Cody’s hand in hers. “So, how have you been? We haven’t had a chance to really talk to you in a long time.”
“I know.” My fingers stroke the smooth leather armrest, remembering why I’ve been so unavailable these last few months.
Now, suddenly, I have nothing but a plethora of time. It’s just a reminder that I’m by myself, all alone. My bed is cold and lonely. My supply of quarters has been increasing because only one person is doing laundry. The freezer is practically empty because Brent always filled it with ice cream, not me. My apartment is so quiet at night…every night.
“Ruby?” Shauna questions, pulling me out of my daydream.
“Sorry.” I clear my throat and sit up. “What did you say?”
“I asked how you’ve been.”
“Good. I’ve been good.”
She sits up. She waits. She looks at Cody and then back at me. “Just good?”
“Yeah.” I lift one shoulder. “Good. School’s good. Work’s good. All’s good.”
She narrows her eyes. “What about Brent?”
Cody glowers at his feet, scratching his head.
“Brent’s good, too,” I reply.
Shauna sits back in the sofa, propping a leg over her knee. “You know…” She crosses her arms at her waist. “You and Cody are the worst liars ever.”
“Hey, I’m not a liar,” Cody protests, elbows on his knees. “Where did that come from?”
“No,” Shauna states, “you aren’t a liar because you suck at it…and you know better. You can’t pull that shit on me.” Her head whips in my direction, fiery hair shuffling along her shoulders. “And neither can you, Ruby.”
“I’m not pulling anything,” I insist.
“I’m good,” Shauna mocks. “School’s good. Work’s good. Brent’s good. Let’s just add life is good, too, while we’re at it. I call bullshit.”
“Okay then,” I say with sarcasm. “Glad we figured out that I’m full of shit.”
“I didn’t say that.” Her face softens. “But something’s up.”
“What do you want me to say? Tell you how mundane my life is?”
“I don’t know, but don’t tell us everything is good when it’s obviously not. We’re your family, and we’re here for you. That’s what family does.”
I strum my fingers on the brown upholstery. “I’m just off, that’s all.”
“School or work?” she asks.
“No, those are fine and steady.”
Her eyes dart to Scarlet, who is still sleeping peacefully at her feet. “Is it seeing Scarlet? We never talked about that or what happened—”
“No,” I say in earnest. “I’m happy for you two and even happier that she’s doing so well.”
Cody gauges my expression and then takes Shauna’s hand in his.
“Ruby is fine. Leave her alone.”
“Is it Brent?” she asks, completely ignoring Cody. “I know he left, and that must be hard. He was here for so long.”
“Yeah, it’s a little bit of that, I think.”
“But not all of it?”
I turn my attention to Cody, sensing his glare. “It’ll be fine.”
“You two get in a fight or something?” Shauna questions.
“No, not really. It’s nothing.”
Cody shifts his legs, propping one on a knee, and then he switches them around almost immediately. Something is eating at him.
“What, Cody?” I ask full of resolve. “Just get it out. I know you have something you want to say.”
He fingers his hair a few times. “I just had a feeling things wouldn’t be good once he left.”
“Of course you did,” I say. “You’ve had it out for him for years. It’s no secret that you don’t like him.”
“It’s not that I don’t like him.”
“Right,” I drawl, shaking my head.
“I’m serious. You know he and I used to get along just fine before. Actually, when you were in high school and all that shit went down with your dad, that’s when I started to like him. He was there for you. But when the shit really hits the fan, like it did between you two, he just doesn’t seem to know how to man up. Like now, here you are, alone again, and he’s off doing his thing. It’s the same song, same record.”
“This is nothing like that. You and I have said our piece about what went down between Brent and me back then. It’s in the past. I fucked up, and so did he.” I adjust the copper bangle on my wrist, the one Brent gave me for Christmas. “We’ve both had to deal with our decisions.” Underneath the cotton fabric, my fingers connect with the large scar on my left arm. “They left us both scarred.”
“No,” he objects, “it left you scarred.”
“Whatever, Cody.” I flippantly wave my hand. “Besides, Brent does know how to man up, as you put it, when shit hits the fan.” I lower my voice to a whisper. “I almost wish he didn’t.”
“Didn’t what?” Shauna ponders, obviously hearing my last words. “What do you wish he didn’t do?”
“Don’t worry about it.” I rise from the seat and retrieve a glass from the cabinet before filling it with water. “You guys want to go and get a bite to eat?”
These Days Series: After Tuesday | Forgotten Yesterday | Deciding Tomorrow Page 59