Setting the burden down on my desk, I sank into a chair and stared at it. I had heard of bad pennies coming back to haunt someone, but this was ridiculous.
I had been so absorbed in trying to make up my mind about Queen Hemlock that I hadn’t gotten around to my self-appointed task of trying to cut back on my staff or otherwise reduce the M.Y.T.H. Inc. bill to the kingdom. Now, I had the money in hand, and all I felt was guilty.
No matter what Aahz and Bunny said, it still felt wrong to me. Here we were, cutting corners on the budget and squeezing taxes out of the populace to try to shore up the kingdom’s financial woes, while I siphoned money out of the treasury that I didn’t really need. What was more, since it was my procrastinating on staff cuts that had resulted in the inflated payday, I certainly didn’t think I should be rewarded for it.
The more I thought about it, the more determined I became to figure out some way to give the money back. Of course, it would have to be done quietly, almost secretly, or I’d suffer the wrath of both Aahz and Bunny. Still, to me it was necessary if I was going to be able to live with myself.
Then, too, there was the problem of how to reduce our payroll. Actually, if what Grimble had just told me was accurate, that situation might take care of itself. If the budget was coming into balance, and if the collection process was now flowing smoothly, then I could probably send Bunny aback to Deva, as well as one or more of my bodyguards. What was more, I could then insist on removing my own payment as financial counselor. All that should reduce the M.Y.T.H. Inc. bill substantially.
That still left me with the problem of how to deal with the disproportionate payment I had already received.
Then an idea struck me. I’d do what any other executive would do when confronted with a problem: I’d delegate it to someone else!
Striding to the door, I opened it and looked into the hall. Sure enough, my two bodyguards were still there, apparently embroiled in conversation with each other.
“Guido! Nunzio!” I called. “Come in here for a second.”
I re-entered the room and returned to my desk without waiting to see if they were responding. I needn’t have worried. By the time I had re-seated myself, they were standing in front of me.
“I have a little assignment for you boys,” I said, smiling.
“Sure, Boss,” they chimed in chorus.
“But first, I want to check something. As long as I’ve known you, you’ve both made it clear that, it the past, you’ve had no qualms about bending the rules as situations called for it, working outside the law as it were. Is that correct?”
“That’s right.”
“No problem.”
I noticed that, though to the affirmative, their answers were slower and less enthusiastic than before.
“All right. The job I have for you has to be done secretly, with nobody knowing that I’m behind it. Not even Aahz or Bunny. Understand?”
My bodyguards looked even more uncomfortable than before, but nodded their agreement.
“Okay, Here’s the job,” I said, pushing the bag of money towards them. “I want you to take this money and get rid of it.”
The two men stared at me, and then exchanged glances.
“I don’t quite get you, Boss,” Guido said at last. “What do you want us to do with it?”
“I don’t care and I don’t want to know,” I said. “I just want this money back in circulation within the kingdom. Spend it or give it to charity.”
Just then an idea hit me.
“Better still, figure out some way of passing it around to those people who have been complaining that they can’t pay their taxes.”
Guido frowned and glanced at his cousin again.
“I dunno, Boss,” he said carefully. “It don’t seem right, somehow. I mean, we’re supposed to be collectin’ taxes from people ... not givin’ it to them.”
“What Guido means,” Nunzio put in, “is that our specialty is extracting funds from people and institutions. Givin’ it back is a little out of our line.”
“Well then I guess it’s about time you expanded your horizons,” I said, unmoving. “Anyway, that’s the assignment. Understand?”
“Yes, Boss,” they chorused, still looking uneasy.
“And remember, not a word about this to the rest of the team.”
“If you say so, Boss.”
As I’ve said, the bag was heavy enough to have given me trouble carrying it, but Guido gathered it up easily with his one good hand, and then stood hefting it for a moment.
“Umm ... Are you sure you want to do this, Boss?” he said. “It don’t seem right, somehow. Most folks would have to work for a lifetime to earn this much money.”
“That’s my point,” I muttered.
“Huh?”
“Never mind,” I said. “I’m sure. Now do it. Okay?”
“Consider it done.”
They didn’t quite salute, but they drew themselves up and nodded before they headed for the door. I recalled they had been working with the army for a while, and guessed that it had rubbed off on them more than they realized.
After they had gone, I leaned back and savored the moment. I actually felt good! It seemed that I had found a solution to at least one of my problems.
Maybe that had been my difficulty all this time. I had been trying to focus on too many unrelated problems at once. Now that the whole money thing was off my back, I could devote my entire attention to the Queen Hemlock situation without interruptions or distractions.
For the first time in a long while, I actually felt optimistic about being able to arrive at a decision.
“BLAH BLAH BLAH flowers, blah blah blah protocol. Understood?”
“Uh huh,” I said, looking out the window.
When I had agreed to hear the plans for the upcoming marriage between Massha and General Badaxe, I had done it without realizing how long it would take or how complex the ceremony would be. After several hours of this, however, I realized that my own part was going to be minimal, and was having a great deal of difficulty paying attention to the myriad of details.
“Of course, blah blah blah ...”
And they were off again.
A bird landed on a branch outside the window and began gobbling down a worm. I found myself envying him. Not that I was particularly hungry, mind you. It was just that the way my life had been going lately, eating a worm seemed like a preferable alternative.
“Have you got that? Skeeve?”
I jerked my mind back to the task at hand, only to find my massive apprentice peering at me intently. Obviously, I had just missed something I was supposed to respond to.
“Umm ... Not really, Massha. Could you summarize it again briefly so I can be sure I have it right?”
I didn’t mean to emphasize the word ‘briefly,’ but she caught it anyway.
“Hmmm,” she said, fixing me with a suspicious stare. “Maybe we should take a break for a few minutes,” she said. “I think we could all do with a good stretch of the legs.”
“If you say so, my dear,” the General said, rising obediently to his feet.
I admired his stamina ... and his patience. I was sure that this was as tedious for him as it was for me, but you’d never tell it to look at him.
I started to rise as well, and then sank back quickly into my seat as a wave of dizziness hit me.
“Hey Skeeve! Are you all right?”
Massha was suddenly more concerned than she had been a moment before.
“I’m fine,” I said, trying to focus my eyes.
“Would you like some wine?”
“No!! I mean, I’m all right. Really. I just didn’t get much sleep last night is all.”
“Uh huh. Out tom-catting again, were you, Hot Stuff?”
Normally, I kind of enjoyed Massha’s banter. Today, t
hough, I was just too tired to play.
“Actually, I went to bed fairly early,” I said, stuffily. “I just had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. I guess there was just too much on my mind to relax.”
That was a bit of an understatement. Actually, I had tossed and turned most of the night ... just as I had for the two previous nights. I had hoped that once I had dealt with the money problems I had been wrestling with, I could concentrate on making up my mind about whether or not to marry Queen Hemlock. Instead, all the factors and ramifications kept dancing in my head, jostling each other for importance, until I couldn’t focus on any of them. Unfortunately, I couldn’t put them aside, either.
“Uh huh,” she said, peering at me carefully.
Whatever she saw, she didn’t like. Pushing two chairs together, she sat down next to me a put a motherly hand on my shoulder.
“Come on, Skeeve,” she said. “Tell Massha all about it. What is it that’s eating you up lately?”
“It’s this whole thing about whether or not to marry Queen Hemlock,” I said. “I just can’t seem to make up my mind. As near as I can tell, there isn’t a clear cut right answer. Any option I have seems to be loaded with negatives. Whatever I do is going to affect so many people, I’m paralytic for fear of doing the wrong thing. I’m so afraid of doing something wrong; I’m not doing anything at all.”
Massha heaved a great sigh.
“Well, I can’t make that call for you, Skeeve. Nobody can. If it’s any help, though, you should know that you’re loved, and that your friends will standby whatever decision you reach. I know it’s rough right now, but we have every faith that you’ll do the right thing.”
I guess that was supposed to be reassuring. It flashed across my mind, however, that I really didn’t need to be reminded of how much everyone was counting on me to reach the right decision ... when after weeks of deliberation I still didn’t have the foggiest idea of what the right decision was! Still, my apprentice was trying to help the only way she knew how, and I didn’t want to hurt her for that.
“Thanks, Massha,” I said, forcing a smile. “That does help a bit.”
“Ahem.”
I glanced up to see General Badaxe stepping forward. He had been so quiet I had forgotten he was in the room until he cleared his voice.
“Will you excuse us, my dear? I’d like to have a word with Lord Skeeve.”
Massha glanced back and forth between the General and me, and then shrugged.
“Sure thing, Hugh. Gods know I’ve got enough to keep me busy for a while. Catch you later, Hot Shot.”
The General closed the door behind her, and then stood regarding me for several moments. Then he came over to where I was standing and placed both of his hands on my shoulders.
“Lord Skeeve,” he said. “May I be permitted the privilege of speaking to you, of treating you for a few moments as if you were my own son ... or a man under my command in the Army?”
“Certainly, General,” I said, genuinely touched.
“Fine,” he smiled. “Turn around.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said ‘Turn around.’ Face in the other direction, if you will.”
Puzzled, I turned my back on him and waited.
Suddenly, something slammed into my rear end, propelling me forward with such force that I nearly fell, saving myself only by catching my weight with my hands and one knee.
I was shocked.
Incredible as it seemed, I had every reason to believe the General had just kicked me in the rump!
“You kicked me!” I said, still not quite believing it.
“That’s right,” Badaxe said calmly. Frankly, it’s long overdue. I had considered hitting you over the head, but it seems that lately your brains are located at the other end.”
Grudgingly, I began to believe it.
“But why?” I demanded.
“Because, Lord Skeeve, with all respect and courtesies due your station and rank, it is my studied opinion that you’ve been acting like the north end of a south-bound horse.”
That was clear enough. Surprisingly poetic for a military man, but clear.
“Could you be a bit more specific?” I said, with as much dignity as I could muster.
“I’m referring to your possible marriage to Queen Hemlock, of course,” he said. “Or, more specifically, your difficulty in making up your mind. You’re agonizing over the decision, when it’s obvious to the most casual observer that you don’t want to marry her.”
“There are bigger issues at stake here than what I want, General,” I said wearily.
“Bullshit,” Badaxe said firmly,
“What?”
“I said ‘Bullshit,’” the General repeated, “and I meant it. What you want is the only issue worth considering.”
I found myself smiling in spite of my depression.
“Excuse me, General, but isn’t that a little strange coming from you?”
“How so?”
“Well, as a soldier, you’ve devoted your life to the rigors of training and combat. The whole military system is based on self-sacrifice and self-denial, isn’t it?”
“Perhaps,” Badaxe said. “Has it occurred to you, though, that it’s simply a means to an end? The whole idea of being prepared for combat is to be able to defend or exert what you want against what someone else wants.”
I sat up straight.
“I never thought of it that way.”
“It’s the only way to think of it,” the General said, firmly. “Oh, I know a lot of people see a soldier’s life as being subservient. That it’s the role of a mindless robot subject to the nonsensical orders and whims of his superior officers ... including Generals. The fact is that an army has to be united in purpose, or it’s ineffectual. Each man in it voluntarily agrees to follow the chain of command because it’s the most effective way to achieve a common goal. A soldier who doesn’t know what he wants or why he’s fighting is worthless. Even worse, he’s a danger to anyone and everyone who’s counting on him.”
He paused, and then shook his head.
“For the moment, however, let’s consider this on a smaller scale. Think of a young man who trains himself so that he won’t be bullied by older, larger men. He lifts weights to develop his muscles, studies various forms of armed and unarmed combat, and practices long hard hours with one objective in mind; to harden himself to where he won’t have to knuckle under to anyone.
The General smiled.
“What would you say, then, if that same young man subsequently let every pipsqueak and bravo shove him around because he was afraid he’d hurt them if he pushed back?”
“I’d say he was a bloody idiot.”
“Yes,” Badaxe nodded. “You are.”
“Me?”
“Certainly,” the General said, starting to look a little vexed. “Didn’t you recognize yourself in the picture I just described?”
“General,” I said, wearily, “I haven’t gotten much sleep for several days now. Forgive me if I’m not tracking at my normal speed, but you’re going to have to spell it out for me.”
“Very well. I spoke about a young man building himself up physically. Well, you, my young friend, are probably the most formidable man I know.”
“I am?”
“Beyond a doubt. What’s more, like the young man in my example, you’ve built yourself up over the years ... even in the time I’ve known you. With your magikal skills and wealth, not to mention your allies, supporters, and contacts, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. What’s more, you’ve proved that time and time again against some very impressive opposition.
He smiled and laid a surprisingly gentle hand on my shoulder.
“And now you tell me that you have to marry Hemlock even though you don’t want to? I don’t believe it.”
> “Well, the option is that she abdicates and I’m stuck with being king,” I said, bitterly. “I want that even less.”
“Then don’t do that, either,” the General shrugged. “How is anyone going to force you to do either if you don’t voluntarily go along with it? I know I wouldn’t want the job.”
His simple analysis gave me a thread of hope, but I was still reluctant to grab for it.
“But people are counting on me,” I protested.
“People are counting on you to do what is right for you.” Badaxe said firmly. “Though it’s hard for you to see, they’re assuming that you’ll do what you want to do. You should have listened more closely to what my bride to be was saying to you. If you want to marry Queen Hemlock, they’ll support you by not standing in the way or giving you grief. Do you really think, though, that if you firmly state that you want to continue working with them, that they won’t support that with as much or more enthusiasm? That’s what Massha was trying to say, but I think she was saying it too gently for you to hear. Everyone’s been too gentle with you. Since you don’t seem to know what you want, they’ve been walking on eggshells around you to let you sort it out. In the meantime, you’ve been straining to hear what everyone else wants rather than simply relaxing and admitting what you want.”
I couldn’t suppress my smile.
“Well, General,” I said, “if there’s one thing no one could accuse you of, it would be of not treating me overly gently.”
“It seemed appropriate.”
“That wasn’t a complaint,” I laughed. I was feeling good now, and didn’t bother trying to hide it. “It was admiration ... and thanks.”
I extended my hand. He gathered it into his own and we exchanged a single, brief shake that sealed a new level in our friendship.
“I take it that you’ve reached your decision then?” Badaxe said, cocking an eyebrow at me.
“Affirmative,” I smiled. “And your guess as to what it is would be correct. Thank you, sir. I hope it goes without saying that I’d like to return the favor sometime, should the opportunity present itself.”
MA10 Sweet Myth-tery of Life Page 15