I want to do what I always do. Just forget it. Keep going. Push it down, because I have to make it to tomorrow.
But Julian is right. In doing that, others think it’s acceptable to hurt me. I’ve created a toxic pattern. I didn’t think I was allowing anyone to hurt me, but maybe not fighting back was like asking for another bruise? Maybe it doesn’t have to be this way. No one deserves to be beaten and kicked on the ground. No matter what I’ve done, or should’ve done but didn’t do, means I deserve that. Nessa can be the first step I take in standing up for myself.
I struggle to sit, gritting my teeth against the pain, as I ease against the wall. “It all sounds exhausting.”
He runs a hand down his face. “I can’t help but feel like this is my fault.”
“It isn’t.”
“It is!” he roars. “I let you talk me into not saying anything. I trusted you, but I didn’t know how far you’d go not to fight back. How deep are your feelings for me?”
I pause, stuck. “What do you mean?”
“I feel like you don’t care about me at all right now. I care deeply for you. Deeply. I refuse to let them treat you this way. If you don’t do this for yourself, then please do it for me. Do it for me or we’re never going to work.”
My stomach drops. His words are the final straw. I can’t focus on much. My ribs are killing me and my skull is pounding, but his last sentence leaves me grabbing at my chest. Disjointed pleas spew from my lips. “Of course, I care. You’re the only person I care about. I want to fight back, but what’s the point when another fight’s going to follow? I’ll do whatever you want me to do. We have to work. I don’t want to be without you. When I’m with you I feel safe. I’ve never felt safe around anyone in my entire life. I’ll press charges. I’ll do what I have to do.” I hiccup, pleading for so many things there’s a chance I won’t get them all. “Please don’t leave me.”
He stares down at me with his face pinched, gray eyes shining like sharp metal, clearly bothered by my reaction. He scratches the back of his head and sighs miserably. “I want you to do this for you.”
“I’ll do it for me.” I’ll do anything for him. And maybe if I did it for myself, fighting next time wouldn’t be so hard.
“We’re going to the police station today and we’re going to answer their questions. We’re going to do what we have to do to make sure those girls pay for what they did. And I’ll never leave you, Kaelyn. Never,” he promises emphatically. “The idea of being without you kills me too, but I can’t keep letting you brush this stuff off. When you hurt, I hurt. You’re hurting me.”
It even hurts to cry. “You’re the last person I want to hurt.”
“Then do this. Cooperate. When it’s over you’ll feel better. I promise. I know I will.”
The idea that I may add to this man’s pain is too hard to comprehend. My mind clears momentarily and I want to make Nessa pay worse than she ever made me. “I’ll cooperate.”
Something in my expression must comfort him, because his shoulders relax. “Thank you. Now, what do you need me to do for you?”
I lower back into bed and hand off my mug of unfinished coffee. “Nothing.”
“When’s the last time you ate?”
“Skittles.”
“Before that?”
“Breakfast.”
“You need to eat.”
But I am already drifting …
“I’ll fight for you, Kael. Every single time.”
I feel a soft kiss on my lips before I pass out again.
I dream of courtrooms and gavels, of Bruce and a man I can’t remember. At one point, he looks at me, his eyes the same color as mine. In my heart, I want him, this strange unfamiliar man, but in my heart, I also know that this man doesn’t want me.
His face fades, and in its place, is one of a woman I have never quite forgotten. I think it might be my first mama, or maybe the one I never met. I can hear her heartbeat and then I am on my own, staring up at palm trees and clouds, wanting something my little heart doesn’t know it’s missing.
“Get up.”
I moan, not wanting to. As long as I stare up at the sky, my heart doesn’t know what’s coming.
“You have to get up, baby,” a soothing voice says.
My eyes flutter open and connect with the cool gray of Julian’s. His mouth says words like “police station,” and “get dressed.” So, I do, because a gray storm beats the lonely palm trees any day.
My favorite female cop, who introduces herself to Julian, waits for us. When we get to her cubicle, Brady is already there, along with Mr. Hunt.
“You two come in together?” Mr. Hunt asks.
“We were coming in at the same time,” Julian deflects.
“Perfect timing.” His expression is shocked and saddened when he gets a good look at me. “Good evening, Kaelyn.” He gets up and kisses my cheek. “How are you, honey?”
I pat his arm awkwardly. “I’ve been better, Mr. Hunt.”
“I imagine so.”
“Have a seat,” Officer Tory says.
Julian sits next to Mr. Hunt. That leaves me the only seat next to Brady. He smiles at me and takes my hand when I sit down. I try to extract it, but he won’t let it go. He rubs the back of it slowly, possessively. It does the opposite of comfort me. The moment he touches me, Julian’s eyes become off.
Officer Tory clears her throat to get everyone’s attention. “The DA has decided to press charges.”
Julian sags in relief. “Great.”
“The hard part is getting the judge to consider first time offenders as adults. They’re so young and youth rarely understands consequences. Witness statements and pictures will come in handy.”
“You mean there’s a chance the judge might not sentence them at all?” Julian sits forward in his seat, outraged.
Mr. Hunt watches him the entire time.
“He may sentence them to probation.” She shrugs. “He may drop the charges. He may give them a felony. I don’t know. It’s up to him and how well the lawyers can defend and propose either side.” Officer Tory looks at me and her expression softens. “Their arraignment is next week. They’ve posted bail so it isn’t a matter of keeping them here. You don’t have to show for the arraignment, but it does look good. I’ll give the DA your information and have him give you a call. Now, let’s hash out this police report so the judge has something solid to look at.”
Officer Tory grills me, followed by Brady, and then Mr. Hunt. She’s more detailed, and my cheeks blaze when I tell her the truth. Brady looks down at his feet, the entire room a witness to his insensitivity.
Except for the beginning of the attack, our stories are all relatively similar. When we’re done, I don’t ever want to come back.
But this won’t be over until Nessa and those girls pay for what they did. For the first time in my life, there are others who not only see me but want what’s best for me. I can’t let them down. Most of all I can’t let Julian down. Letting him down feels like losing him too.
Right before we exit the police station, Julian puts himself in my path and whispers in my ear. “Go with Brady.”
“What about you?” I whisper back.
“I’ll be at home. Waiting for you,” he adds, walking ahead of me smoothly.
I hang back, staring at my feet as I wait for Brady and Mr. Hunt to catch up.
“Julian already leave?” Mr. Hunt checks.
“Mhm.” I avoid eye contact in exchange for Brady. “Can I talk to you?”
Mr. Hunt gets the hint. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow, Brady. I take it you’ll be missing, Kaelyn?”
“Is that all right?”
“Take all the time you need. I’ve alerted all your teachers and they’re compiling a list of your homework. Brady has promised to bring it once a week.”
“What a nice guy,” I mumble when Mr. Hunt leaves us alone.
“What did you want to talk about?”
A couple passing by gawks at me. I hide my face and
look at Brady. “I didn’t. Julian and I can’t exactly leave together.”
“Ah. Got it.” He puts his hands in his pockets. “You want to get out of here? Go get something to eat?”
“I look like crap.”
He agrees, I can tell. He doesn’t even attempt to deny it. “Maybe we can get something and bring it back to your place?”
“Are you really going to talk on my behalf during the trial?”
“Of course.” His tone deepens, offended. “I’m an ass, but not that much of one that I’d let Nessa get away with this. She kicked you right in the face. I saw her.” He shudders.
“Julian will worry. Just take me home.”
“No. We’re going to hang out. We’ll go through a drive through so we can avoid your ugly mug and hang out in my truck. Maybe I’ll even show you the back again.” He smirks.
I smack his shoulder. “Excuse me if I don’t swoon.” I sigh unpleasantly. “Okay, Brady. We can hang out.”
“Thank you.” His expression looks sincere for once, although I don’t understand why.
Sincerity would have saved us both a lot of trouble.
After following Brady to his truck, he drives to an ice cream shop, leaving me in the car. He returns with two scoops of chocolate and two bags of caramel corn. I find myself in the mood for nothing, but I eat my ice cream anyway as he drives to Savannah River. He parks near the water and we stare at the rivulets rolling in and the coast of South Carolina in the distance. The sky is cloudless today, lighting the otherwise dark water. I wish I could get out and let the sun warm my face. I roll down my window and inhale the scent of the muddy banks instead.
“So, you and Mr. Ean, huh?” He finishes his ice cream and starts in on his caramel corn. “You lied to me.”
I don’t owe him anything. “I couldn’t exactly tell you the truth.”
“Why not?”
“He’s a teacher.”
“He’s not even that old. I don’t see what the big deal is. And he obviously loves you. So what’s the problem?”
I choke on my ice cream and gawk at him. “Love? We’re not there yet.”
He looks at me funny. “You may not be, but Mr. Ean is.”
“Well, it’s a problem anyway you look at it. Even though he’s not that old, he is still a teacher. He could lose his job. He could lose everything because of me. I didn’t mean to want him. It just happened. He’s so … everything I’ve ever wanted.”
Brady smiles a little and takes a handful of corn. “Why don’t you drop out?”
“Why don’t you stop being clueless?” I set my ice cream down and grab my corn. “I want to graduate.”
“Graduate somewhere else. Get your GED. Go to school online. There are options.”
“I did not go through almost four years of hell just to drop out and settle for a GED.”
“It’s either everything you’ve ever wanted or your diploma. Pick one.”
He doesn’t get it. I don’t know why I expect him to.
I work my tongue around the popcorn in my mouth, wondering if Brady had an idea. “You’re assuming he’s there. What if after all of this he decides he doesn’t want me?” The idea was ever constant, a product of my self-doubt. “What if he just feels sorry for me?”
“I feel sorry for you too,” he points out. “Mr. Ean is taking it to another level.”
I look at Brady, and he looks at me, his eyes daring me to contradict him. I can’t. I won’t. I don’t want to.
When I don’t say anything, his face becomes smug and he sits back. “Poor guy’s got it bad for you. You didn’t hear what he said to me before you came downstairs yesterday.”
“What did he say?”
He smirks. “Let’s just say it’s between me and him.”
“Brady.”
“Nope. I needed to hear it.” He looks down at his lap. “I regret how I treated you. I know there’s nothing I can do to take it back. I can’t change what Nessa did. I can’t go back, and because of that, I can’t fix what I broke. For the rest of my life, I’ll know what I did to you. You should see the way people look at me at school now. Like I’m a piece of crap. They’re even talking about kicking me off the field.”
I remind myself I got kicked in the face because of this boy. I gave him my body and he used it. I will not feel sorry for him. Rolling my eyes, I sink lower in my seat and glare at him. “Poor baby. I bet you’re still going to college and still going to fall in love and have a happy wonderful life.”
“Kaelyn,” he snaps sharply. “I’m trying to show you I haven’t gotten off completely. And you slapped me. Did you forget that?”
“I should slap you again.”
“Do it.” He taps his cheek. “Slap me as hard as you want as many times as you want.”
“Enough of me hurts already. You want my hand to hurt too?”
“What do I have to do to show you I’m sorry?”
“There’s nothing you can do. That’s your punishment.”
He looks cornered. “Don’t do that to me.”
“Done.” I smile sadly. “Thanks for the ice cream.”
He reaches over and takes my hand, staring down at it as he talks. “Can we be friends?”
“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
“Please? Like we used to be. Before sophomore year.” Now he looks at me. “We were kind of inseparable, remember? We hung out freshman year like every day. You were funny. I made you laugh. A lot,” he adds, as if he were aware of how little I did it.
I smile before I can stop myself. There was a time when I lived for this boy. “I’ve missed that Brady. This new one is such a dick.”
He smiles back tightly. “Cute, Kaelyn.”
“Stop flirting with me.”
“I can’t help it. You’re so mouthwatering right now.”
“It’s the stitches huh?”
He smirks. “Totally. And the black eye. So, can we be friends again?”
I take my hand back. “I’ll think about it. Your first mission, should you choose to accept, is to take me home.”
“Think about it hard.”
Until a couple days ago, I thought it should be obvious. But short glimpses of the old Brady had wormed their way into my brain. And my stupid heart.
When he pulls up outside of Julian’s house, I undo my seatbelt. “Thanks for the ride.”
“You’re welcome. What’re you doing about your car? It’s still at school.”
I wince when I open the door and my feet hit the ground. The pain blurs my eyesight momentarily. I lean against his truck door, trying to catch my breath. “I’ll get it eventually.”
“What’s my second mission?” He smiles sweetly.
“To leave.” I slam his truck door and grit my teeth as I walk past Julian’s SUV. I take my keys out and unlock the door. Taking my shoes off takes some work, but I manage to kick them off; they land in a mess beside his.
Walking barefoot into the living room, I find Julian sitting on the couch drinking a beer. He’s slumped into the cushions, body slouched. He looks over at me when I come in.
My stomach drops at the look in his eyes. They aren’t simply off, they’re accusing and cold. Metal and ice.
I bite my lip and wring my hands together. He doesn’t say anything to me. He just takes a sip of his beer and returns his eyes to the TV. Flinging his arm over the back of the couch, he sinks deeper into the cushions.
“Hi,” I mumble quietly.
He doesn’t respond. He takes another long drink of his beer, his face so closed off and mean, I can’t stand to look at him.
I clutch my midsection and walk past his ice-cold body. My painkillers are on the counter. I take one out and get a water bottle out of the fridge. Even with a wall between us, I can feel his coldness. Everything around me feels wrong. I don’t like the way he’s acting. I am uneasy and empty, missing his warmth and support.
I return and stand behind him on the couch. Gripping the back of it, I wait
for him to acknowledge me. He doesn’t. He takes another drink, growing so cold I could pick the ice shards from his hair if I dared to touch him.
My hands itch to feel him. I risk it. I place my hand on his shoulder. His entire body tenses beneath my touch. He shrugs out of my hold and sits forward, eyes on the football game that’s on. As if it’s more important.
“Julian?”
Nothing.
“Is it Brady?” I guess quietly.
He stiffens further.
“We didn’t do anything.”
“Kaelyn!” he roars, whirling around on the couch. His eyes are steel and hard. There’s nothing positive in them. “Don’t you ever stop to think about the stupid things you do before you do them? It’s because of him you’re in pain. All I asked was if he could give you a ride home. Not so you two could hang out for two hours like best-fucking-friends. Sometimes I don’t understand how your brain works. How could you think I’d be okay with you hanging out with him?”
I open my mouth in shock, but he assumes I’m going to answer him, and talks before I can.
“What are we doing? Please tell me what we’re doing?”
I squeak. I don’t know what’s gotten into him. “Julian?”
“What are we doing!” he demands desperately. “Do you want me, Kaelyn?”
I feel like he’s talking about something else and I’m still on the word stupid. “Of course, I want you.”
“What do you want from me? Here, let me help you out. Do you want to be together? Start a life together? Do you want someone who actually cares about you? Or Brady?”
Start a life together? The deepness of my breaths makes my ribs burn. I clutch at my stomach and stare at him. He’s waiting for an answer to a question I don’t even fully understand. Or maybe I do, maybe that’s why I can’t breathe. “I want to be with you. You know that. You have to know that.” I try and pull in a breath—I want to get this right—but I am overcome by the suddenness of this conversation. You shattered the rules. When Mr. Ean slipped between my legs and sent flames across my skin that was an invitation to step over the imaginary line we were crossing, and to grant him access into my life. “I want you, Julian.”
He closes his eyes, speaking with them shut. “You have to start thinking about how the choices you make are going to affect me. I care about you. You’ve only ever had to worry about yourself. I get that. But you have to accept that I care about you now. I want you to do what’s good for you. Not even what’s right. Just good. That, and I can’t stand that slimy bastard, or the idea of you with him. Every time I think about him with you—touching what’s mine, kissing my lips, hurting my Kaelyn—I want to kill him.” His eyes open; the anger and hurt storming in them is frightening. “You have to stop talking to him. Stop spending time with him. Stop acting like your friends. You’re not friends. He’s a selfish bastard who finally saw what his existence has done. He doesn’t like it. He wants to make it better now?” He snorts derisively. “Where was he before? All those years, Kael. Think about all those years that went unreciprocated.”
Under The Peaches (Teaching Love Series Book 1) Page 23