by Carrie Elks
Even if it was better than freezing in her thin jacket.
‘It’s just through here,’ Jonas shouted, disappearing into the densely packed forest. ‘There’s a clearing that leads down to the lake, with hills and everything. You’re gonna love it.’
The faintest of smiles crossed Kitty’s lips. As a child she’d always hated the snow, watching with envy as her braver sisters careered down the hill. They’d balanced precariously on their sledges, trusting blindly that when they reached the bottom they would somehow come to a stop. Meanwhile, Kitty would stand on the side of the slope, shivering, and will the hours away until she could go home and get back to the warmth and the TV.
The West Virginia winter put London’s in the shade, though. The weather here wasn’t just bitter, it was ice-age cold, making the vapour in her breath freeze as soon as she exhaled, and whipping her skin like a woman scorned. Kitty was already counting the minutes until she could persuade Jonas back indoors, perhaps with the aid of hot chocolate and marshmallows.
She was so lost in her thoughts, it took her a moment to realise he had disappeared; his trail of footsteps in the snow petering out as he’d entered the shade of the woodland.
Bugger, bugger, bugger.
She didn’t bother chiding herself for her muttered swearing, picking up speed to run into the forest in the direction Jonas had taken. Her chest tightened with panic, making her breathing loud and heavy, and her movements laboured. Eyes scanning from right to left, she looked for signs of the young boy, but came up with nothing but trees.
Where was he?
‘Jonas!’ Her shout disturbed what few birds remained in the forest, stubbornly staying north for winter despite the lure of sunnier climes. Wings flapped loudly, and disturbed snow cascaded down from the branches, falling at her feet in large white clumps.
‘Jonas, I can’t see you,’ she called again. A cracking sound came from her left, and Kitty whipped her head round, but there was nothing there. Nothing she could see, anyway. Still the pounding of her heart continued, hammering against her ribcage in a rapid tattoo. How could he disappear so quickly… and what if he made it down to the lake?
Images of his tiny body flashed into her mind. His skin grey, his face expressionless as he floated in the frozen water. Oh dear God, please let him be safe, she prayed, clasping her hands together as she continued to search.
A minute later she came to a large clearing. The land was covered in snow that sparkled like diamonds in the sun. At the crest of the hill Jonas was standing, holding on tight to his sledge with one hand, using the other to wave madly at somebody down by the lake.
Beneath the thick woollen hat Kitty had insisted he wore, Jonas’s cheeks were flushed, and a big grin was painted across his face. ‘Uncle Adam!’ he shouted, his voice loud enough to echo down the canyon. ‘Over here, can you see me?’
Kitty followed Jonas’s line of sight, spotting the form of a man down by the lake, a little over a hundred yards from where she stood. Bent over a pile of logs, he was holding an axe in his hands, stopping mid-swing as he heard Jonas’s shout. When the man stood up he was wearing only a T-shirt, despite the frozen weather. Kitty swore she could see his muscles ripple, even though she knew from that distance it should be impossible. Maybe the man had a body like the Wall of China – visible even from space.
Was it getting warmer out here, or was she having a hot flush?
‘Jonas, come here,’ Kitty shouted. ‘You can’t sledge down there, you’ll end up in the lake.’ The hill was steep, ending at the edge of the expanse of water, and the thought of Jonas ending in the icy lake made her heart clench wildly.
From the corner of her eye, she saw Adam place the axe down and walk towards them. In spite of her warm snowsuit, she could feel herself start to shiver. She’d met this man exactly twice, and both times he’d looked at her as though she’d stamped on his favourite toy.
He cleared the distance between them and the cabin in less than a minute. Jonas was grinning at him, still holding the end of his sledge in his gloved hand. He looked delighted to see him.
Unlike Adam, who had a face like thunder. Kitty could only assume it was aimed directly at her.
‘Uncle Adam, will you sled with me?’
Adam lifted Jonas’s hat off and ruffled his hair. ‘Maybe later. I want to have a quick chat with your nanny first. Can you give us a minute?’
Kitty’s mouth felt dry. The thought of a quick chat was making her feel sick.
‘Talking’s boring.’
Adam smiled at Jonas, the humour not quite reaching his eyes. ‘It sure is. So just stand there and don’t move, OK? We’ll be back soon.’ He turned to Kitty, the smile disappearing from his lips. ‘A word, please?’
He stalked past her, his feet kicking up snow as he walked. Kitty felt his arm brush against hers. She took a deep lungful of air, trying to ignore the way her heart was hammering against her chest. By the time she turned towards him, he was ten yards away. She walked over to join him.
‘Hi,’ she said, reaching her hand out. ‘Maybe we can start this again? I’m Kitty, Jonas’s nanny.’
‘I know who you are,’ Adam said, pointedly ignoring her hand. ‘What the hell were you thinking, letting Jonas run toward the lake on his own? Did you hear what happened the other day? The kid nearly drowned, I had to fish him out before he sunk right under. What kind of nanny lets a child run into danger like that?’
His verbal onslaught felt like a slap to her already sensitive skin. She recoiled, taking a step back from him, needing the distance it gave. ‘I took my eyes off him for a second,’ she protested. ‘As soon as I realised he was in the forest I ran after him. And look, he’s fine, all right? He knows not to go sledding without me.’ She pointed at Jonas, who was staring at them both with narrowed eyes. He wasn’t silly, he must have known they were arguing.
‘No, it’s not all right,’ Adam told her. ‘It’s far from fucking all right. A minute is all it takes for somebody to get hurt. He’s just a kid, he needs looking after. And if you’re too busy doing your lipstick, or talking with your friends on your phone to do it, maybe you should just leave.’
A surge of anger washed through her. ‘I don’t know who pissed in your cornflakes this morning, but you’re being completely over the top. Yes, he ran off when he shouldn’t have, and yes, I’ll be having a word with him, but you’re way out of line to be talking to me like this.’
He shook his head vehemently. ‘I’m not the one out of line.’
‘Yes you are. I’ve no idea what I’ve done to make you so angry, beside kill a deer by accident, but every time I’ve seen you, you’ve bitten my head off.’ She stopped to take in a deep breath. He was still staring at her, those deep brown eyes narrowed to slits.
‘Yeah, well just do your job and we’ll all be OK. That kid gets neglected enough, he doesn’t need to add you to the list of people who ignore him.’
She straightened her spine. ‘I don’t ignore him, and I never would. And I resent any suggestion otherwise. Now perhaps we can end this discussion and I’ll go and give him the attention he deserves.’ She folded her arms in front of her.
He looked at her for a moment longer, his gaze flickering from her face to her crossed arms, and then down to her cinched waist. She really hated this damn outfit. Finally he gave her a slight nod. ‘OK.’
Letting out her mouthful of air, she turned on the heel of her snow boots and walked back to Jonas, ignoring Mr Angry-Yet-Beautiful as he stayed motionless behind her. Twisting her lips into a smile just for Jonas, she blinked back the furious tears that threatened to spill over if she let them.
‘Come on, let’s go sledding.’
7
This above all: to thine own self be true
– Hamlet
‘How angry did you get?’ Martin asked, crossing his legs, the movement making his grey pants crinkle up. ‘On a scale of one to LA.’
Was that supposed to be a joke? Adam wasn’t sure. Marti
n was always so deadpan, he couldn’t tell the difference between a joke and a pointed remark.
‘I got pretty angry. The kid nearly drowned in the lake, for Christ’s sake. She was being negligent.’
‘You said she was only a few seconds behind him.’ Martin scribbled something down on his pad. ‘Maybe you could have given her the benefit of the doubt. Why didn’t you?’
Adam licked his lips, dry from the heated air. ‘I guess I saw red. It only takes a minute for an accident to happen. She shouldn’t take her eye off him for a second.’ He leaned forward, his expression intense. ‘If something had happened to him, I’d never forgive myself.’
Martin’s lips twitched as he wrote on his pad again. Adam wondered if he’d ever get to see those notes. ‘I notice how agitated you get when you talk about this girl, Kitty, is that right? What is it that triggers you?’
‘She doesn’t trigger me. She just aggravates me.’
This time Martin allowed a small smile to break out. ‘OK, so what aggravates you about her?’
Adam leaned back on the easy chair. ‘She nearly hurt my nephew.’
‘But by your own account he was in more danger before Kitty arrived in Cutler’s Gap. And I don’t remember you getting so aggravated at your sister-in-law for letting Jonas run free around the lake. Did this Kitty say something that hit a nerve?’
Adam closed his eyes for a moment, remembering the events of the previous day. He couldn’t get her hurt expression out of his head no matter how hard he’d tried. She’d tried to be friendly, even offered him her hand, and he’d pretty much chewed her out as soon as he opened his mouth.
He didn’t normally react so badly to people. At least he didn’t before LA.
‘She reminded me of someone,’ he finally mumbled.
‘Who?’
‘Lisa.’
Martin’s expression had a touch of the hallelujahs to it. ‘Lisa your ex-assistant. How does Kitty remind you of her?’
He hadn’t thought of Lisa in weeks. Not that there had ever been much to think about. Their relationship had been casual at best, one born of proximity and necessity rather than desire and passion. She’d been his assistant when he’d travelled to Colombia, and had seen nearly everything that went down. Everything except the worst part.
‘She’s pretty,’ he said, trying to work out where the similarities lay. ‘And she has this friendly image she projects, as though she isn’t really waiting for you to turn around and stab you in the back.’
‘Are we talking about Lisa or Kitty?’
‘Both.’
‘Interesting. What makes you think Kitty’s going to stab you in the back? Does she even know you?’ Martin laid his pen down, too absorbed to write.
‘Isn’t that what all women do eventually?’ If you let them, that is. ‘And men, too. Let’s not leave them out.’
‘Do you really believe that?’ Martin asked. ‘Do you really think everybody’s out to get you?’
Adam laughed – a short, humourless one. ‘Are you asking me if I’m paranoid?’
Martin’s smile was more authentic. ‘That’s a question only a paranoid person would ask.’ He shrugged. ‘Seriously, though. This girl, you’ve met her, what, twice? Unless she’s some cunning spy sent in by your brother, maybe you should take her at face value.’
Adam stared at his therapist for a moment, considering his words. One good thing about Martin – he allowed the silences to work for as long as they needed to. Sometimes they were more important than the talking, he said. Adam ran his thumb along his jaw, feeling the stiff bristles beneath his touch, thinking about Kitty and his response to her.
From the first moment he saw her, alone on that wintry road, it had felt like a punch in the gut. He remembered the tears welling in her eyes just before he shot the deer, and the stoic way she’d held herself as he drove her home to Mountain’s Reach. She was sensitive, but she wasn’t afraid to give as good as she got. He half smiled, remembering the way she’d called him out on not being a gentleman when he dropped her off on the driveway. A sentiment she’d repeated when he called her out yesterday, and she asked him who pissed in his cornflakes.
As his mind wandered over their two encounters – not to mention the one where he did everything to avoid her when he was running in the snow – he came to a realisation. She hadn’t done a single thing wrong, apart from be human. It was him who’d behaved like an asshole.
Damn it.
‘I owe her an apology,’ he said softly, more for himself than Martin.
‘Kitty?’ Martin clarified.
‘Yeah.’ Adam nodded. He’d let his anger for his brother, and maybe Lisa too, seep into his interactions with Jonas’s nanny. Just seeing her with her pretty blonde hair and perfect body reminded him of everything he hated about LA. The perfection, the easy smiles, the pretending to be your friend when really they were trying to get one over you. The lies that pulled on fancy outfits and masqueraded as truth.
‘I might be an asshole,’ Adam continued, ‘but I’m not afraid to say when I’m wrong. And this time I’m definitely wrong.’ He felt sick as he remembered her hurt expression, and the way she kept glancing at him when he stomped back to the cabin. Even worse, he’d let Jonas witness them arguing.
‘So what are you going to do about it?’ Martin asked him.
There was only one thing to do, when you’d made a mistake. Something Adam wished his brother knew something about. You held your hands up, admitted to it, tried to make things better. ‘I’m going to apologise to her,’ he told Martin.
Martin’s lips held the ghost of a smile. ‘That sounds like a good place to end today’s session.’
‘He said he’d lost his keys, but the weird thing is I found them the next day in the tray next to the door,’ Lucy said. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s always been a bit forgetful, but I swear he’s getting worse.’
Kitty crossed her legs into lotus pose, moving the laptop on her mattress so she could see them all on the screen. Cesca and Lucy, Juliet and Poppy; her three sisters and her niece. They carried on talking as she watched them, taking each of them in. After the past few days she was missing them more than ever, a longing that tugged deep at her heart.
‘Maybe we should take him to the doctor,’ Cesca suggested.
‘He’ll never go.’ That was Juliet.
‘Sometimes you have to put your foot down,’ Cesca said.
‘Have you tried it with Dad?’ Lucy asked, grimacing. ‘You know what he’s like.’
‘And we know who inherited his stubbornness.’ Juliet grinned at her sister. ‘Look, let’s get Christmas over with and then talk about it again? There’s nothing we can do so close to the holidays anyway. The doctor’s surgery will be full of colds and flus, and the last thing we want is for him to catch something.’
Though Kitty pretended to moan about their weekly Skype date, there was something reassuring about it, too. Reminding her she wasn’t alone in the world, that whatever happened she’d always have them. Even if everybody in Mountain’s Reach hated her.
OK, not everybody. Just one, very fine, body.
‘Talking of Christmas, we need to agree a time to talk,’ Lucy said, always the organiser. ‘We’ll be having lunch at about two our time, which I think is nine in the morning where you both are.’
‘Hey, we’ll be in the same time zone for once.’ Juliet smiled across the screen at Kitty. ‘If only they’d let you have the day off, you could come to ours for Christmas.’
There wasn’t much chance of that, even if she’d managed to pin Mia and Everett down for long enough to ask. They both seemed to be constantly busy. She’d noticed them have a few heated, yet whispering, conversations, too. Something definitely wasn’t right there. Right now, she was pretty much the only responsible adult around here, save for the housekeeper.
She could only make this call because Annie had agreed to look after Jonas for half an hour. The two of them were in the kitchen, baking c
ookies.
‘That would have been nice,’ Kitty said. Impossible, but nice.
‘So what time do you think we should arrange the call for?’ Lucy asked. ‘Before or after your lunch?’
‘We’re having lunch with Thomas’s family,’ Juliet said, her pretty nose scrunching up at the mention of her in-laws. ‘We’re sitting down at three, so I can do any time before that.’
‘I’m not sure when we’re eating, I’ll have to check,’ Kitty said. Surely they’d let her take an hour to spend with her family?
‘How’s the nannying going?’ Juliet asked her. ‘Are you getting on OK with the boy?’