by Carrie Elks
She’d been on edge ever since the previous day. It had been a hell of a one, too – with that kiss from Adam and the telling-off from Everett, and now neither of them appeared to want to acknowledge her presence. Jonas was the only Klein male who even seemed to take any interest in her right now.
And that was how it should be, she reminded herself. He was the reason she was here, after all.
‘Have you two had words too?’ Annie asked, taking a sip of her coffee. ‘I thought you were getting on well.’
If only she knew. ‘We’re fine,’ Kitty said, her voice a little curter than she’d planned. ‘I just want to spend some time with Jonas. And goodness knows that boy could do with a little attention.’
‘Sit down and drink your coffee,’ Annie said, pointing at the full mug on the table. ‘You must have emptied half the cupboards into your bag. You’re not going to need that much food, it’s a parade, not a week-long camp out.’
Kitty sighed with resignation and pulled out the chair opposite Annie, sitting down heavily on it. ‘Jonas likes to eat a lot,’ she said.
‘All those Klein boys do. That’s how they grew so big and strong. Jonas will be the same,’ Annie said. How did every conversation they had come back to Adam and his brother? Kitty wasn’t sure whether she liked it or not.
‘Let’s hope that’s the only way he resembles them,’ she muttered.
‘They’re good boys. A little overenthusiastic sometimes, and definitely too quick to judge, but they’re good nevertheless,’ Annie said. ‘And Adam has a heart of gold. The number of people he’s helped after the cameras stop running. Do you know he paid for those girls from that documentary to go back to school?’
‘The ones from the human traffic ring?’ Kitty asked. ‘No, I didn’t know that.’
She wasn’t exactly surprised, either. It sounded like Adam. He had a black and white sense of right and wrong. Of course he’d try to do anything he could to help the victims.
‘He’s got a big heart, that one. He loves his family, too. That’s why what happened in LA was so awful.’
Kitty leaned closer, her interest piqued. ‘What did happen in LA?’ she asked.
Annie shook her head, stirring at her half-drunk coffee with the sugar spoon. ‘I don’t know all the details, haven’t asked for them either. All I know is that the two of them had such a big fight Adam ended up getting arrested. He tore up Everett’s home office, by all accounts. Left him with a black eye, too.’
‘What did they fight about?’
‘I’ve no idea.’ Annie shrugged. ‘But Mrs Klein told me the only way Adam could get the charges dropped was by agreeing to come home here and go into therapy for a few months. Mrs Klein, she wanted him to stay here in the big house, but he refused. She didn’t have the heart to argue with him. So he moved down to the cabin, fixed it up within a week, and that’s where he’s been living since.’
‘And he isn’t working on anything?’ Kitty asked. ‘What about that documentary in Colombia I’ve heard about? The one about drug mules.’
‘I’ve no idea. He hasn’t said anything about that.’
Kitty rolled her bottom lip between her teeth, wondering what went on between those brothers in LA. How did they end up in a fight so bad that Adam had to flee the state?
None of it made sense.
‘It’s breaking Mrs Klein’s heart, the same way that slippery step broke her hip,’ Annie said. ‘The problem is that hips can mend but hearts can’t.’
‘Can’t they?’ Kitty asked, frowning as she looked up at Annie. ‘I think they can.’
Annie stared at her for a moment. ‘You’re right,’ she said finally. ‘I guess they can mend, but only if you let them.’
‘Are we going soon?’ Jonas asked, running into the kitchen with his coat already on. ‘We want to make sure we get a good spot. Oma always says the best place is outside Rinky’s Drugstore, that way you get a great view of the bandstand.’
He’d been talking about the parade non-stop all day, his voice growing more and more excited with each passing hour. Kitty was pretty sure that if they didn’t leave for Harville soon, he’d be practically exploding.
She glanced at her watch. It was two o’clock. The parade was due to start at five, just as the darkness would begin to creep in. All the better for seeing the lit-up trucks and characters, as they made their way to the bandstand to begin the annual Harville Christmas concert.
‘I guess we could go soon and have a walk around the town,’ Kitty agreed. ‘I don’t think we can stand around for two hours, though. We’ll freeze to death if we do.’
Jonas rolled his eyes. He had the gift of a speedy circulation, and hands that never felt cold no matter how long he spent making snowballs. Kitty wasn’t quite that lucky.
‘You grab that bag, and I’ll go and get my coat and boots,’ Kitty told him, knowing she wouldn’t be able to restrain him for too much longer. ‘Let’s go watch us a parade.’
‘You got a dog?’ Martin stared at Adam enquiringly, trying to disguise the smile on his face. ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.’
‘It’s not my dog, I’m just looking after it for my nephew,’ Adam told him. ‘I nearly brought him with me, but then thought better of it.’
‘I’m glad to hear it. I’m allergic to animals.’
Adam shrugged, thinking about the puppy’s thick black coat. ‘He’s hypoallergenic,’ he said. ‘Doesn’t moult, doesn’t cause reactions. He’s the perfect dog.’ Or he would’ve been, if it wasn’t for the crap in the kitchen every morning, which Adam had to clean up himself today. There had been no sign of Kitty, not that he blamed her. Christ, he really had messed everything up.
‘Anything else changed since I last saw you?’ Martin asked.
‘I kissed a girl.’
‘Hmmhmm.’
‘You don’t sound that surprised,’ Adam said. ‘I was kind of expecting a bigger reaction than that.’ Was it wrong he was disappointed? Even the dog had more of an effect on Martin.
‘It was Kitty, right?’
‘How did you guess?’
Martin had the good grace to laugh. ‘It’s not much of a detective story. She’s the only woman you’ve come into contact with in weeks, if you don’t count your mother, her elderly housekeeper, or the sister-in-law you claim to hate.’ He steepled his fingers beneath his chin, scrutinising Adam. ‘So, how was it?’
Amazing? Glorious? There didn’t seem to be a word to describe it that didn’t end up in clusterfuck. ‘It was good.’ He shrugged, trying to look casual.
Martin didn’t look convinced. ‘OK, and then what happened?’
‘My brother arrived in a helicopter and I spent the rest of the time ignoring her.’
Martin shook his head, clearly exasperated. ‘So let’s talk this through for a moment. The first time you met this girl, you shouted at her for crying over a deer. You proceeded to ignore her and then chew her out again for taking her eye off your nephew for a minute.’ He stopped to take a breath, his eyes still on Adam. ‘The last time we spoke you were going to apologise to her, which I assume you did, if you ended up kissing. Wait, this kiss, it was consensual, wasn’t it?’
‘Yes, it was consensual.’ Adam felt the back of his neck heat up. ‘It was as consensual as hell.’ Jesus, just thinking about it made his heart race all over again. The way her lips were so soft and smooth, the way she’d looked at him as he’d slowly unzipped her jacket. Her eyes wide and trusting, full of wonder, as though the sun was shining right from him.
‘OK, so you kissed, consensually, and then you ignored her. Is that it or have I missed anything?’
Adam wanted to hang his head at the description. ‘When you put it like that I sound like an asshole.’
‘Sound like?’ Martin raised his eyebrows. ‘If I wasn’t your therapist and bound by confidentiality, I’d go out and warn the poor girl off you.’
‘I’m doing a pretty good job of that all by myself,’ Adam muttered.
&n
bsp; ‘Except you’re not, are you?’ Martin pointed out. ‘Because she clearly hasn’t been put off by your attitude. You’d been your usual miserable, taciturn self, and she still wanted to kiss you.’
Adam swallowed, feeling an ache at the pit of his stomach. The sort of hunger that food could never sate. ‘I really have fucked everything up, haven’t I?’ he said quietly. ‘My life, my work, even this poor girl. I’m like Midas in reverse, everything I touch turns to shit.’ Even with his eyes wide open, he could picture Kitty’s face as he left her standing there in the snow. The shock that moulded her features as he stalked away from her.
‘That’s not true though, is it?’ Martin said. ‘It’s just another example of negative thinking. If you reframe the events of the past few months, you’ll see that you’ve made a positive difference in lots of people’s lives. Take your nephew, for example. What would have happened if you hadn’t been there when he fell into the lake? He could have died, but thanks to you he’s perfectly fine.’
Adam shrugged. ‘I guess.’
‘And that boy in Colombia, what about him?’
‘I don’t want to talk about that.’
‘OK, then let’s talk about something else,’ Martin said smoothly. ‘You’ve spent your life looking for the truth, staked your personal reputation on it. So what do you think the truth really is here?’
‘What do you mean?’ Adam frowned. ‘I just told you everything.’
‘I want you to look inside yourself. Try to work out why you keep blowing so hot and cold with this girl.’
Adam blinked for a moment, trying to work out what Martin was getting at. ‘I guess I blow hot because I’m attracted to her, and cold because I don’t want to be.’
‘Why don’t you want to be?’
Adam’s mind was blank. He blinked a couple of times, trying to work out why he couldn’t order his thoughts. ‘I don’t know…’ Why didn’t he want to get close to her? What was it that stopped him? Her youth? She wasn’t that young. Her job? She was Jonas’s nanny, but that didn’t seem to matter. The fact she lived so far away from Mountain’s Reach? Surely that should be a plus.
‘Maybe I think she’s too good for me,’ he postured. ‘Maybe I don’t want to hurt her.’
‘Go deeper still,’ Martin urged. ‘What is it you feel when I mentioned you getting close to her?’
‘Fear. I feel fear.’
Martin smiled encouragingly at him. ‘What makes you feel afraid?’
‘I’m scared…’ Adam blew out a mouthful of air. ‘I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt again.’
He felt as though Martin had led him far into a forest, and he had no idea how to get out of it. The trees were looming in on him, the air around him thick and dark.
‘It’s normal to be afraid after what you’ve been through,’ Martin said quietly. ‘It’s OK to admit to your fears. But once you acknowledge them, the next step is to do something about them.’
Adam glanced out of the office window, onto the square below. The finishing touches were being made to the parade route. In an hour it would be getting dark enough for the lit-up vehicles to be seen. He’d been so lost inside his head, he’d forgotten about the Christmas parade. ‘What can I do?’ he asked. ‘If you’re scared, you’re scared.’
‘Fear’s a natural thing,’ Martin told him. ‘It can even be useful in the right circumstance. It’s a healthy reminder of our limitations, and that sometimes we should step away from danger. But when it’s taken to extremes, or twisted in some way by our brains, it can cause us to behave in irrational ways. Like those people who are so afraid of flying that they won’t even step on an airplane.’ Martin looked up at him, catching his eye. ‘Fear becomes unhealthy when it stops us from leading a normal life.’
‘You think my fear is irrational?’
‘Is this girl a danger to you?’ Martin asked.
‘I guess not.’ Adam shrugged. ‘She’s not crazy or anything.’
‘Do you think she could hurt you?’
Yeah, he really thought she could. Not physically, of course – she could barely cope with hurting a deer, and that was an accident. But he’d been hurt before, betrayed by those who should have taken care of him. How could he let her inside if he wasn’t willing to make himself vulnerable?
Not that she probably wanted anything to do with him after the way he’d treated her.
‘I think anything has the potential to hurt us if we let it,’ Adam said slowly. ‘Paper cuts are fairly harmless, but enough of them and you’d bleed to death.’
‘So how do we protect ourselves against all these threats to ourselves?’ Martin asked. ‘Do we wrap ourselves up and hide away from the world, and refuse to let anybody in, for fear they might be carrying germs? Or do we take a risk and step outside and see the beauty the world has to offer?’
The answer was obvious, Adam knew that. But it was one thing to feel it in your head, another thing to feel it in your heart. ‘So, what, I should just go back to the house and throw myself at her?’
Martin laughed again, his eyes lighting up. Somewhere over the past few sessions, the two of them had somehow connected. Where Adam had felt resentful before at having to attend therapy on a regular basis, he now found himself enjoying it.
‘You’re full of extremes, do you know that? In a few months you’ve gone from being an explorer to a hermit. And now you want to go from zero to a hundred. Have you ever thought about moderation? Just letting yourself be a little looser, allow things to happen naturally. Enjoy the moment, spend some time with her, see if you actually have anything in common.’ He paused to take a mouthful of water from the sparkling glass beside him. ‘You know, be her friend.’
‘Be her friend,’ Adam repeated. He wasn’t sure whether to laugh or roll his eyes. His therapist made things seem so simple when it was just the two of them, closeted away in his elegant office. Life was never as easy as people made it out to be.
But that wasn’t any reason not to try, was it?
‘It’s starting!’ Jonas was almost vibrating with excitement as the loud beat of the bass drum cut through the noise of the chattering crowd. They were at the front of the spectator area, Jonas’s head only just reaching above the metal barrier. He clung onto the rail with his gloved hands, leaning his chin on the top of it. ‘Can you hear it, Kitty?’
She nodded, letting his enthusiasm sink in to her own skin. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d watched something like this – the best comparison she could think of in London was the annual carnival parades she’d seen. But those all happened in summer, when the weather allowed. She felt almost like a child again as she heard the brass instruments start up their tune, and the lit-up band marched in unison along Main Street, playing a orchestral arrangement of ‘Winter Wonderland’.
Jonas curled his gloved hand around hers, his face pink with frozen excitement as he pointed out the decorated truck that followed the band. Festooned with lights, and complete with a nativity scene, she could see Mary and Joseph surrounded by angels and shepherds.
‘Santa doesn’t come until the end,’ Jonas told her, as if she might be concerned where he’d got to. ‘He always rides on the fire truck, and all the firemen are dressed up as elves. They throw out candy to everybody.’ From the way his eyes lit up, it sounded as though that was his very favourite part.
There was a murmur behind her as a line of old vintage cars followed on from the nativity truck, their chassis festooned with lights and tinsel. She felt a few people shuffle, the crowd next to them parting, and then saw a tall man come to a stop next to her and Jonas.
It was the first time she’d seen Adam since yesterday. Even separated by a few inches of cold air, not to mention their padded jackets, she could still feel her body reacting to him.
‘I didn’t mark you down as the parade type,’ she said, still looking straight ahead as the cars passed them by.
‘I spent my childhood watching this,’ Adam said. From the corner of her eye
she could see a half-smile on his lips. ‘It brings back old memories.’
‘Good memories?’ she asked. On her other side, Jonas was leaning forward, craning to see the final truck of the parade – the infamous Christmas fire truck. He hadn’t even noticed Adam’s arrival.
He shrugged, the movement making his black jacket rise up. ‘Yeah. They were good days.’ She saw him glance down at Jonas, who’d finally noticed his arrival. ‘Hey, Jonas, enjoying it?’
Jonas’s face lit up at his uncle’s attention. ‘You’re here!’ he said, beaming. ‘I didn’t think you were coming.’
‘I wouldn’t miss it for the world.’ Adam’s voice was thick.