by Carrie Elks
‘So you decided not to become a film director. How did that come about?’
‘I was given an assignment at school. We had to make a ten-minute documentary on a controversial figure. I ended up choosing to interview Lance Beckford – who was on death row at the time. A few months later his appeal came up and he won. There was no direct link between the documentary and his appeal, but somehow I got a taste for the form.’
‘Lance Beckford the LA Bomber?’
‘Except he turned out not to be.’ Adam winked. ‘And from the moment I interviewed him I knew something was really wrong. He seemed innocent to me.’
‘Is that what appealed to you about documentaries?’ the interviewer asked. ‘The ability to right wrongs.’
Adam shook his head. ‘No, it was more elemental than that. I love the way the form gives you the ability to find the pure unadulterated truth. In a world full of lies, it’s important to be able to cut through the bullshit. That’s what appealed to me about it.’
Kitty clicked on the pause button, closing her eyes before the tears started to fall. It hurt way too much to watch him any more. Even hearing his voice made her heart ache.
In a world full of lies, it’s important to be able to cut through the bullshit. He’d certainly managed to cut through hers today. He must hate her for not telling him the truth straight away. For persuading herself that a family Christmas was more important than telling him what she’d found.
God knew, she was starting to hate herself.
31
The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man
knows himself to be a fool
– As You Like It
‘So I guess I shouldn’t bother asking if you had a good Christmas then?’ Martin gave him a wry look.
Adam’s smile died on his lips before it even made it out of the gate. Even after two days it was impossible to find anything funny about it. ‘Yeah. Don’t bother.’
Martin looked him over, a worried expression forming on his face. ‘I’m glad you called.’
‘I wasn’t sure if you’d answer,’ Adam said. He didn’t bother telling Martin he’d been his last hope. Two days of pacing and running and trying not to pull his cabin apart were testament to that. But that wasn’t the worst part. It was the ache in his chest that refused to go away. The desperation he felt every time he smelled her scent. The way he kept looking up at the big house whenever he ran past, somehow hoping she’d see him.
And still not having the balls to go in to see her.
‘And is your brother pressing charges this time?’ Martin asked, referring to Adam’s fight with Everett. He hadn’t looked best pleased as Adam had described their confrontation – not that his reaction was very surprising. They’d been working on controlling Adam’s anger for months, and the first time he was riled, he’d given in to it again.
‘Not as far as I know. The police haven’t been down to see me.’
‘So that’s that then?’ Martin asked. ‘It’s all over, and everything’s back to normal?’
‘I guess.’ Adam’s stomach lurched. If this was normal, he hated it. Hated the silence in his cabin. Hated the way everything felt so empty. He felt constantly on edge without her.
Jesus Christ, he missed everything about her. And it didn’t seem to be getting any better.
‘Why haven’t you gone back to the house yet?’
Adam’s mouth tasted of regret. ‘I can’t face them,’ he said. ‘I ruined everything. I messed Christmas up.’ He couldn’t help but think of Jonas’s expression, his mother’s tears, the way his father had been so disappointed. ‘They don’t want me there.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because they haven’t come down to see me.’ Adam started to pull at a loose thread on the chair arm.
‘Maybe they’re giving you some space. You’re the one who walked out and told them to leave you alone,’ Martin pointed out. ‘Perhaps they’re feeling exactly the way you are. The fact Everett hasn’t called the cops seems like a good thing, doesn’t it?’
Adam shrugged. ‘Maybe.’
Martin was silent for a moment, though he continued to look at Adam. There was a soft wind outside, rattling the office windows. ‘Do you miss them?’ he finally asked.
Adam closed his eyes, feeling his chest ache again. It was becoming so familiar to him. ‘Yeah, I do.’ Well some of them anyway. Especially the girl who lit the cabin up whenever she walked into it. He missed her so much it was painful.
‘Maybe you should go see them.’
‘Maybe.’
Sensing a dead end to the conversation, Martin changed tack. ‘Are you going to involve your lawyers this time?’ he asked. ‘To stop the movie?’
Adam waited for the familiar anger to take hold of him at the mention of Everett’s plans. But there was nothing. ‘I couldn’t give a shit about the movie.’ Not quite true, but compared to everything else that had happened it had paled into insignificance.
Compared to her.
‘And have you heard from the girl?’ Martin asked. Could he read Adam’s mind on top of everything else?
‘From Kitty? Not a peep. Not that I expected to.’
Martin crossed his legs, tapping his pen against his lip. ‘Why not?’
‘Why would she want to hear from me?’ Adam was perplexed. ‘She saw me lose it in front of all my family. She saw what I was capable of.’ He couldn’t forget the expression on her face when she saw Everett’s nose bleeding. She looked disgusted.
‘And yet she still followed you out of the house, and tried to talk to you. Does that sound like the act of somebody who didn’t want to talk to you?’
‘I think she felt guilty,’ Adam admitted. ‘That it was her fault I went crazy. She was just trying to make amends.’ And he’d shaken her off like an annoying animal, never looking back at her as he almost ran back to the sanctuary of his cabin.
‘Why would she think it was her fault?’
‘Because she knew all about the movie.’ Adam’s stomach contracted just thinking about it. He took a mouthful of ice-cold water, but it did nothing to quell the ache in his gut.
‘She knew about it?’ Martin finally looked surprised. ‘Was she in on it like Lisa was?’
Placing the glass back down on the table beside him, Adam blew out a long mouthful of air. He hadn’t thought about Lisa for weeks. She’d been his assistant in Colombia, a friend with benefits, no more than that. And yet when she’d agreed to work on the movie with Everett it had felt like a betrayal.
But compared to Kitty, it was nothing. Absolutely nothing.
‘I’ve no idea,’ Adam said. But he couldn’t really believe it, in spite of the things he’d shouted. She was too kind, too open for that kind of subterfuge.
‘You didn’t ask her?’
Adam shook his head, trying to remember everything they said. The scene in the dining room felt like a half-forgotten dream. He could remember small sequences of events, but nothing quite clicked together. His head was doing a pretty damn good job of suppressing the bad memories. ‘She said something about knowing for a few days, but that was it. I didn’t let her say anything else, I was too furious with her.’
‘It sounds as though you may be more angry at her than you are at Everett,’ Martin reflected. ‘Why do you think that is?’
‘I’m not angry with her. I’m more angry at myself.’
‘Then what is it you’re feeling?’
If it didn’t hurt so much, Adam would have laughed at the question. What was he feeling? It was almost impossible to explain. It was as though his body had been pumped full of so many emotions he wasn’t sure which was which any more. Anger morphed into sadness, which quickly gave way to a sense of futility. And the pain, God the pain, it was almost too much to think about.
‘Hurt,’ he finally said, his voice quiet. ‘I feel so hurt. And I miss her.’ Christ, he really did.
‘You hurt because you miss her?’ Martin tried to clarify.
> Adam leaned forward, his expression intent. ‘No, not just because I miss her. I hurt because I hurt her, too. Because I pushed her away, I didn’t give her a chance to tell me anything. I hurt because I’m not just the victim here, I’m the villain, too. And I hate myself for it.’
‘Isn’t that what we all are?’ Martin asked, his voice sympathetic. ‘The victims and villains of our own lives? We have to come to terms with the good and bad inside of us, accept that we’ll never be all one or the other. And if we acknowledge we have a bit of Beast as well as Beauty in there, maybe we can find a way for them both to live together.’
Adam frowned. ‘Did you just use a fairy-tale analogy on me?’ His lip twitched. He wanted to laugh but it seemed so damned inappropriate.
‘I might have.’
‘Jesus, you know how to hit a man when he’s down.’
This time Martin was the one to laugh. ‘I’m trying to make an important point here. The fact is we have to learn to live with the good and bad parts of ourselves, and that brings a certain peace to our lives. The panic and the anger and the destructiveness comes from when we try to fight against ourselves, where we try to cling on to a modicum of control when there really isn’t any there. Acceptance, it’s the key to everything.’
Adam listened to his words, absorbed them, even saw the sense in them. ‘So what should I do about Kitty? Do you think I should call her, apologise?’
Martin grinned. ‘I’m an anger-management therapist, not your girlfriend. This one’s all yours to figure out, my friend.’
When Adam pulled his truck into the driveway at the big house, Jonas was sitting on the doorstep, throwing a ball for the puppy. Every time the dog brought the ball back, Jonas petted him, making a fuss of him before throwing it again. Adam climbed out of the cab and stood back for a while, watching his nephew, taking in the dejected slant of his shoulders.
‘Hey.’ He sat on the step next to Jonas. ‘Did you give the dog a name?’
Jonas shrugged morosely. ‘Does it matter?’
Adam gently nudged him, shoulder to shoulder. ‘Of course it matters. Would you like to have no name? Names mean somebody loves you, that you belong. That when somebody calls you they want you.’
‘Clarence. That’s his name.’
The dog’s ears perked up.
‘After the angel? The one in It’s a Wonderful Life?’ Adam asked.
Jonas nodded, then threw the ball again.
‘That’s a great name.’ Adam clapped his hand on his nephew’s shoulder. ‘Clarence. A strong name, it’s perfect.’
The dog trotted over, the ball still in his mouth. As soon as he reached Jonas he let go of it, waiting expectantly until the boy picked it up and threw it again. Adam’s heart ached when he saw how half-hearted his nephew’s movements were.
‘It’s been a bad few days, huh?’ he said.
Another shrug. ‘I guess.’
‘Well I’m sorry for my part in it. I shouldn’t have shouted and I certainly shouldn’t have hurt your dad the way I did. I’d like to make it up to you if I can.’
‘How?’
Adam tipped his head to the side, looking at the boy. ‘Any way you like, you name the price. We can go sledding, we can go out somewhere on the Skidoo. I’ll watch any movie you want. What do you say?’
For some reason the kid’s face fell. ‘Oh.’
‘What is it?’ Adam leaned in closer. He may not have been the most intuitive man in the world, but there was something bugging Jonas so bad he could barely meet his eye. ‘Was it something I said?’
Jonas shook his head. ‘I thought you might bring her back.’
Adam was confused. ‘Who?’
‘Kitty.’
His stomach did a flip-flop. ‘What do you mean, bring her back? She’s here, isn’t she?’
For some reason Adam’s hands started to shake. Of course she was inside, where else would she be? Even if he couldn’t face talking to her right then, part of him still wanted to know she was OK.
‘She’s not here,’ Jonas said quietly. ‘She left two days ago. Dad said she was going home.’
‘To LA?’
‘I guess. Drake drove her to the airport. They didn’t let me say goodbye.’
Adam stood up abruptly, his mouth suddenly dry.
‘Is your dad in the house?’
Jonas’s eyes went wide. ‘In the library, I think. Are you going to hit him again?’
Adam shook his head. ‘I shouldn’t have done that, and no, I’m not going to do it again. I just want to talk to him. To say sorry.’
He almost surprised himself. He was going to apologise? What else was going on in the bottom of his mind?
‘Will you ask him to bring Kitty back?’ Jonas suddenly looked hopeful.
‘I can’t do that.’ He hated disappointing his nephew. ‘But she’s going to be OK, and so are you.’
He ruffled his nephew’s hair and walked up the steps to the front door, pushing it open and walking inside. The house was silent, making the sound of his boots against the wooden floor seem louder than ever. He looked around the hallway, taking in the decorations hanging desolately from the staircase, the tree lights not even turned on. Shaking his head, he headed for the library, rapping lightly on the door to alert them to his presence. Drake opened it, his eyes wide as he took Adam in. ‘Oh, it’s you.’
‘Who is it?’ That was Everett, his voice as loud as ever.
‘Ah, it’s your brother,’ Drake said, looking behind him.
The next moment Everett was wrenching the door wide open. ‘You can leave us for a minute,’ he said to Drake. The assistant almost ran up the hall to the kitchen, as though afraid he was going to get caught up in the violence.
‘You want to come in?’ Everett asked.
‘Sure.’ Adam followed his brother into the library, closing the door behind him. In the corner, on the main table, he could see pages of a script. His stomach lurched at the sight.
‘Where’s Mia?’ he asked, as much to fill the silence as anything else.
‘She’s gone to DC again.’ Everett looked down at his hands. ‘We’ve been having a few problems. She has a therapist there.’ Finally he looked up again. ‘She wants us to get a divorce.’
It was like being slapped around the face with a plank. ‘The therapist?’ Adam asked.
‘No, Mia.’
‘Jesus, I’m sorry.’ He really was. In spite of everything he still loved his brother. Even if that emotion was buried very deep, beneath all the bullshit he’d caused.
‘Yeah, well, things haven’t been great for a while. I just worry about Jonas, you know?’
Adam nodded. ‘Yeah, that poor kid’s been through enough.’
‘We both knew this trip was going to be kill or cure. I guess I was hoping to give him a final Christmas with all his family. One he could remember for the rest of his life.’ Everett’s laugh was humourless. ‘We all managed to mess that one up, too.’
‘There are more Christmases,’ Adam said, not certain why he felt the need to reassure him. ‘And family is what you make it.’
He leaned against the chair, rubbing his face with the heel of his hand. When he pulled it away, it took a moment to regain his focus. ‘Look, I’m sorry for hitting you. Especially in front of your son. It was wrong and I shouldn’t have done it.’
Everett’s mouth fell open. Whatever he was expecting, an apology wasn’t it. ‘You’re sorry?’
‘Yeah.’ Adam could feel his back stiffen. It wasn’t quite giving him the relief he’d expected.
‘OK.’ Everett slowly nodded his head. ‘OK. I kind of understand why you did.’
‘You do?’ It was Adam’s turn to be surprised.
‘I’m not happy you did it. God knows I tried to talk to you so many times over the past couple of weeks. To explain what was going on. But every time I opened my mouth you shot me down.’
‘Because you betrayed me,’ Adam pointed out, trying to swallow down the anger. ‘Bec
ause you wanted to tell my story and put people in danger on the way. Not to mention the fact you called the cops on me.’
Everett sighed, scratching the back of his neck. ‘Look, will you let me explain?’ He pointed to the easy chairs by the window. ‘Sit down, let’s talk. Finally.’
Adam stared at the chairs for a moment, weighing up the options. Was he ready to listen to his brother without resorting to his fists once again? Yeah, he thought he probably was. And maybe if he listened, he might find out more about Kitty, why she left, where she was, if she ever wanted to see him again.