Back to reality-his party, his world, which was so far removed from her own simple life. Reaching for her long, black wool coat, she flashed him a smile that belied the sudden apprehension infusing her veins. "Ready as I'll ever be, I suppose."
With nothing left to stall the inevitable, Jessica let Ryan escort her to his Lexus and budded in for the ride. The half-hour drive to Phillip Haywood's estate passed quickly with Ryan keeping up a steady stream of inconsequential conversation, which she suspected was designed to put her at ease. She appreciated the gesture and thought she was going to be just fine until they started wending their way up a long, winding driveway to a huge, stately mansion. She suddenly felt as though she was way out of her league and had no business being there.
Her stomach churned with uncertainties, but she had little time to dwell on them. A valet promptly appeared to park Ryan's car, and she was forced to exit the vehicle. Ryan met up with her on the sidewalk, tucked her hand into the crook of his arm, and led her toward the enormous double doors inlaid with etched glass.
With every step, her legs felt weighed down by lead. Tension tightened every molecule in her body, and with every breath she gulped her chest burned and seemed to compress.
Oh, Lord, what was she doing?
Stopping at the front door, Ryan rang the doorbell. He glanced her way with a sexy smile, and must have seen the panic in her eyes, because concern instantly touched his features. "Hey, are you okay?"
No, I don't belong here with you.As honest as that knowledge was, she couldn't bring herself to say the words, knowing that he'd take her back home rather than force her to stay. Unwilling to ruin this night for him just so she could wallow in her own insecurities, she settled for an understated version of the truth and prayed that she'd survive the evening. "I'm just a little nervous."
He brushed his knuckles softly over her jaw, his gaze both tender and understanding. Lowering his head, he placed a quick, but infinitely sweet kiss on her lips that lingered long after he pulled back.
"I'll be right beside you the entire time," he murmured reassuringly. "You're going to be just fine, Jessie."
And then the door opened and they were greeted by a warm, friendly man that Ryan introduced to her as his boss, Phillip Haywood. As Phillip's hand engulfed hers in a warm handshake and the older man chastised Ryan for keeping such a beauty all to himself, Jessica had no choice but to trust Ryan and believe his promise that she really was going to be just fine.
Chapter 8
After four hours of exchanging pleasantries and formalities with attorneys, Jessica couldn't help but let loose a little humor now that the evening was over. "How do you save a lawyer from drowning?"
Ryan glanced her way, seemingly trying to gauge her mood. "I haven't a clue," he murmured.
She allowed a tired smile to touch her lips. "Take your foot off his head."
His deep, rich chuckles filled the close confines of his car as he navigated his way back to the main road from Haywood's estate. "Thank you for saving that joke for a more private moment."
"You're welcome." The chill cloaking the inside of the vehicle stole beneath her long, wool coat and caressed her legs, making her shiver. "I don't think your bosses or colleagues would have appreciated my brand of humor quite the way you do."
He flipped on the heater, then turned to meet her eyes, visible by the illumination radiating from the dash. "Was the party that bad for you?"
With a sigh, she rested her head against the back of her seat and thought about his question. "Actually, it wasn't as bad as I imagined it would be. Everyone was friendly and warm. Any discomfort I experienced was strictly my own." And, surprisingly, it had been minimal.
She'd survived the evening, and had even enjoyed herself at times, regardless of knowing the occupation of half the guests at the party. She'd seen a different side to what she'd always believed was a hard-edged profession. The associates who worked at Haywood and Irwin were hardworking men and women who just happened to have chosen law as a career, as Ryan had suggested. People with humor and emotions. People with families of their own. People who represented the good and evil of the world because it was their sworn duty to help others and assure them of a fair trial.
But what had made the greatest impact on her was an idle, but profound comment that one of the female attorneys in the firm had made to her while Ryan had been talking to his boss. Having worked in law offices for the past twenty years, the woman found Ryan refreshing as a lawyer. According to her, Ryan was a lawyer who cared about people and catered to his client's needs, rather than focusing on his own personal gains.
And despite her bitter childhood memories, Jessica came to accept on a tentative level that not all lawyers were as cutthroat and merciless as her father's had been. Ryan certainly didn't fit the mold, and she'd been wrong for ever believing he could deliberately hurt someone with selfish intent.
"You did great, Jessie." He reached across the console and settled his hand on her leg. Though a heavy layer of wool separated her flesh from his fingers, she could feel the supportive squeeze he gave her thigh. "And I'm very glad you came with me."
She was glad, too, for purely selfish, personal reasons. Ryan had been so attentive-touching her without reserve, holding her hand, gazing at her with affection-that she'd briefly enjoyed the fantasy of being more than just his date for the evening. But just like Cinderella, by tomorrow morning the fairy tale would be over and reality would return.
She recalled the various comments revolving around her and Ryan that she'd overheard during the course of the evening. "You do realize, don't you, that your bosses and colleagues think we're an item," she said.
He transferred his gaze from the road to her. "Does that bother you?"
"Only because I'll probably never see any of them ever again, and I got the impression that they expect me to be around in the future." Which she wouldn't be,couldn't be.
He shrugged off her concern. "I'll handle any questions anyone might ask about our relationship."
And he'd make it clear that they weren't an item, that she'd just been a date for the evening. The pang of regret she experienced over that thought took her off guard, and she berated herself for being so foolish, for wanting something that was completely impossible with Ryan. And while she'd seen this evening that most of his colleagues juggled a career and a long-term relationship, she knew Ryan's main focus was his commitment to his career. Judging by Haywood and Irwin's enthusiasm toward their young associate, it was obvious that Ryan's goals weren't far from his reach.
You should be proud of Ryan. He's one of our up-and-coming attorneys, and has a very promising future ahead of him at Haywood and Irwin.
Phillip Haywood's praise filtered through Jessica's mind. For as much as Ryan's future goals would consume more time than a relationship or family would permit, she couldn't begrudge him the success he sought, and deserved.
Her fingers slid along the strap of her purse, and she swallowed to relieve the odd pressure that had gathered in her chest. "Your bosses think very highly of you," she said, trying to sound optimistic for him.
He grinned, appearing pleased that he'd gained Haywood's approval. "After six years with the firm, it's nice to get the recognition I worked so hard for. The next couple of years will definitely be interesting as far as advancements go."
He had his heart set on a promotion to junior partner, which was an admirable goal, as well as one that would entail more work, more hours, and no time to cultivate a strong, lasting relationship. His commitment would be to his job, and maintaining his position within the firm.
Not that that issue mattered to her, she tried to convince herself as she glanced out the side window to the twinkling lights of the city beyond the freeway. After a few minutes of silence passed, she looked back at Ryan's strong profile and summoned the courage to express a question she'd been curious about for a while now. "What made you decide to be a divorce attorney?"
Now that the interior of th
e car was warm, he turned down the heater. "Honestly, it wasn'tmy decision to be a divorce attorney," he replied easily. "I originally wanted to get into corporate law."
She wasn't expecting that response, and found it interesting that he'd settled for a position so different from his primary choice. "What happened?"
"Before I graduated from law school, I was hired on at Haywood and Irwin as a law clerk until I passed the bar and became an associate. The only opening they had at the time was as a divorce attorney in the family law department, and because I had bills to pay, and Haywood is such a reputable firm, I accepted the position and made the best of it." He shrugged, and cast a quick glance at her. "Honestly, now I can't imagine doing anything else."
The message he relayed with his eyes was unmistakable-he was silently asking her to accept him for who and what he was. And in that moment, she realized somewhere along the way she'd done just that. As much as his choice of career made her too aware of her turbulent childhood, she knew they'd remain friends once the New Year's Eve party was over and they went their separate ways. And despite the sudden ache near the vicinity of her heart, she knew she had no choice but to end this tentative, sensual relationship of theirs… before things became any more emotionally complicated for her.
The Lexus came to a smooth stop, and he shut off the engine, bringing her back to the present. She glanced out the window, expecting to see her complex, and was surprised to find them parked in front of his office building. The lot was empty, and the only source of illumination came from the dim lighting in the lobby.
"What are we doing here?" she asked, curious.
He unsnapped his seat belt and turned toward her. "I need to pick up a file on a case that's going to court on Monday so I can review a few things over the weekend." He hesitated a brief moment. "Do you mind?"
Of course weekend work would consume his extra time. She experienced a twinge of regret she immediately dismissed and shook her head. "No, go ahead. I'll wait here."
"I was hoping you'd come with me." Reaching out, he fingered a strand of her hair, which she was coming to realize was a source of fascination for him. "I also wanted to show you the fabulous view from my office in the evening."
Heat seeped through her veins, and a smile tugged at her lips. "Ahh, I should have known you had ulterior motives."
He chuckled, and ran his fingers along her cheek. "Yeah, I'll do just about anything to get you alone and all to myself."
Unable to resist that sexy smile of his, and what his words implied, she accompanied him up to his office, very aware of just how alone they were in the deserted building.
He turned on the overhead lights and strolled toward his desk. "Give me a few minutes to find what I need."
"Sure."
The room was pleasantly warm, and she took off her heavy coat and hung it on one of the brass hooks by the door. While he sorted through files and paperwork stacked on his desk, she drifted toward a credenza along the wall holding framed photographs.
Passing idle time, she gazed at each one, most of which were group shots. Recognizing Ryan and Natalie in one of the larger gatherings, she picked up the professional portrait to take a closer look at the older couple surrounded by six adults and five young children.
Seeing a striking resemblance between Ryan and the older man in the middle of the photo, she turned the picture toward Ryan and asked, "Is this your family?"
"Yep." Setting aside a few file folders, he shrugged out of his jacket, hung it next to hers, and came up beside her. "There are Mom and Dad in the middle, and you know Natalie, of course," he said, then went on to point out his two older sisters by name, and their respective husbands and children.
The photo, as simple as it was, encompassed a wealth of emotion Jessica couldn't help but envy. An abundance of affection radiated from everyone's smiles, happiness shone in their eyes, and love was evident in the strength of the familial bond they shared.
A pang of longing struck near her heart, so strong it nearly stole her breath. "You're very lucky to have such a close-knit family," she said, her voice a whisper of sound in the quiet room. "Don'tever take that for granted."
Ryan recognized the vulnerability that etched Jessica's features and tinged her voice-he'd seen and heard that emotion with some of the women he'd represented in divorce cases. While he'd always managed to remain immune and objective with his clients because he had a job to do, he felt Jessica's pain like a vise around his heart.
Jessica was a casualty of divorce, having been deeply affected by her father's betrayal. She'd lost the stability and security of a complete family in one fell swoop, and apparently was still struggling to find what her father had carelessly ripped apart.
A family.Something hedid take for granted because all he'd ever known was the love and support of his mom and dad, and his siblings. He'd never lacked for affection, had never gone to bed as a child feeling alone, and had never questioned either of his parents' love.
Ryan drew a deep breath, knowing it was time to discuss her past, that in order for her to trust him as he wanted, they had to cross this hurdle together. And maybe, during the course of their conversation she could purge some of the bitterness and resentment caused by one's man lack of compassion.
"How old were you when your parents divorced?" he asked quietly.
She looked at him, initially startled by his question. "I was nine, and Brooke was thirteen." She gave the photo in her hand one last lingering glance before setting it back on the credenza. "I think the most difficult part of the divorce was that before my father left and my parents separated, everything seemed so perfect I was definitely Daddy's girl, and I adored him. He was always so larger than life for me."
He slid his hands into the front pockets of his trousers to keep from touching her, comforting her. "I'm sure whatever problems your parents had didn't happen overnight." From his experience with clients, the strife within marriages sometimes festered for years before married couples split up-which accounted for many unpleasant divorces. He'd witnessed amicable separations, as well as vengeful ones.
"You're right, of course, and I realize now that my father must have been having an affair for quite a while before my mother found out. But as a little girl, I was so wrapped up in feeling secure, that when my dad just packed up and walked out one day, I was devastated." She shook her head, her velvet blue eyes brimming with shadows of old misery. "I just couldn't understand what went wrong, whatI did wrong to make him leave."
Ryan balled his hands into fists, aching deep inside for the innocence she'd lost at such an early age. He imagined her at nine, carefree and filled with girlish dreams, and blinded by fantasies of happily-ever-afters, only to have them crushed by the one man she'd trusted to always be there for her.
She moved away from him and stopped in front of the huge plate-glass window overlooking the city. With the lights on in his office, though, all she could see was the reflection of herself, and the room around her. He didn't approach her, suspecting that she needed to work through this particular event in her life without interference. And so he gave her what she needed-someone to listen to her rid herself of her painful past
"Then my father filed for divorce, and he wasn't satisfied with half of everything," she continued. "From yelling matches that I overheard between my parents, I learned that he felt he deserved everything, because he'd been the sole breadwinner. When my mother disagreed, that's when things got real ugly with my father. Come to find out, his new girlfriend was twenty-two years old and very high maintenance, and he was out to get whatever he could from the marriage at our expense."
Her shoulders lifted as she drew a deep breath, and relaxed when she exhaled, though her spine remained stiff with tension. "He hired a cutthroat divorce attorney who took advantage of my mother's emotional state and took her for everything he could, and since my mother couldn't afford a powerful lawyer, she lost just about everything to my father and his new lover.
"My mom was a me
ss after that ordeal," she went on, her voice hoarse. "All I can remember is her constantly crying, and staying in her bedroom with the shades drawn. It was awful, and if it wasn't for Brooke taking control and pushing my mother to snap out of her depression, I'm sure we would have ended up on welfare-or worse, Brooke and I would have gone into a foster home."
He watched a shudder wrack her slender form, and she wrapped her arms around her middle as if to hold herself together. "We moved our meager belongings from the house my mother was forced to sell, the one I grew up in, and into a one-bedroom apartment because that's all she could afford. My mother took on two jobs to support us, and because Mom was hardly ever home, Brooke pretty much raised me. We went from dining on solid, nutritious meals to eating macaroni and cheese and hot dogs because it was filling, and cheap."
"What about child support?" he asked. Surely they'd had that extra income to rely on and to help them with expenses.
She turned to look at him, and laughed, but the sound held no humor. "What about it? According to my sister, the checks came sporadically, then stopped altogether, as did my father's infrequent phone calls. I haven't seen or heard from him in over thirteen years."
She was trying so hard to remain composed and strong, when he knew beneath the surface brewed dark, bitter emotions. "It's okay to be angry, Jessie," he said softly.
"Is it okay to hate him for what he did?" Moisture glimmered in her eyes, contradicting the defiant lift of her chin. "For making a family, then walking away from it?"
"No man should ever forsake his children," he said, vehemently believing that.
Divorces happened, it was a sad fact of life. And if there was one thing he disliked about his profession, it was that the children involved were sometimes embroiled in their parents' spiteful attempts to hurt one another. He'd never given the long-term effects of that any thought while handling his cases, but was coming to realize through Jessica that the impact of a nasty divorce on a child left lifetime scars.
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