by Ann Quin
Many sounds. Police sirens throughout the night. Televisions. Wind rattled the blinds, window. She wrote letters, tore them up and like a spy flushed them away. She attempted reading, flung the book down and emerged into humid air. Walked quickly round several blocks, looking as if she had somewhere to go, someone to meet. Startled by doorways holding shapes, taking on human form only after she had passed. Surprised by animals in cages on the edge of a park. The edge of a sidewalk. Rubber and asphalt. A slight wind. Hot. Dust and newspapers. Was that the moon or not. Plastic. Neon stars. Narrow frames of darkness. Solitary man walked with white poodles. Others in groups. Others huddled over bars. Women stepped into yellow cabs, yellow faces squeezed on dry bones. Laughter with the edge of hysteria. And the howling of police cars, ambulances.
Revolving doors of glass. Fingers curled round the key to a room she did not want to enter. Over a bed that faced the door. She faced the wall and closed her eyes. Sat up, smoked. Picked up the telephone, put it back—supposing his wife answered—sorry wrong number or OK this is it if he hasn’t told you well… She checked her watch, money, travellers’ cheques, passport, visa. Everything in order. Could she order sleep, someone to talk to, a return ticket. No the decision had been made. Things would change.
The light changed, filtered in through the blinds. A faint blue rubbed the walls. She did not know where she was. Extending this, extending the bed, the room. The other side of walls a garden. Walled in green. In this she went back to sleep. Waking several hours later she picked up the phone. He answered, sleepy, distant, not surprised, inviting her to come out to New Mexico, yes he had told his wife, she knew about it all, his meeting with her in England, yes there had been rows of course but ah well… When would she like to come—oh now she said laughing, breathless, caught her face in the mirror, an overblown middleaged woman, and only a year had passed since their last coming together on her narrow bed that had somehow miraculously widened during their brief relationship. In a week, she said, a week’s time I’ll be there. And relented as soon as the phone wires hummed. What could she possibly do by herself in an alien city—a whole week, remain in the room, cause suspicion, let herself be picked up, well why not, easier than a woman on her own. She no longer felt the independence that London gave her. Like a child whimpering, and nearly falling off the stool when waiters shouted Yeah wotcherwant, she heard her English schoolgirl voice, a caricature, answer black coffee please, while all around carefully shaved faces pressed against hamburgers and four-tiered sandwiches. Only a midget looked at her, she became absorbed by the bubbles in the coffee, not black, but ‘regular’ she did not dare to point it out to the waiter who muttered under his breath. She watched the thick drops of ketchup fall in ominous lumps on someone’s hamburger, and she shuddered. She looked quickly away and caught the midget’s eyes, blackcurrants in a sponge, he leaned over, English—yeah thought so—Stan’s the name, wrestler by profession—was in Manchester during the blitz—but you’re not from there right?
In a daze she went from bar to bar with Stan, his wiry wrestler hand clutched her arm. But he made her laugh, relax, and she found herself talking over bourbons with ‘a little whaterr’, until his face ballooned, shrivelled, then there were two midgets beside her rocking backwards, forwards, and she saw herself the fat lady in a circus. She tottered to the rest room, no graphite here, oh not like London, Victoria Station, Piccadilly, no grey haired attendant outside knitting, no notices about V.D. perhaps they called it something else here. She staggered out towards a little wrestler who wrestled with a long cigarette and a Manhattan on the rocks. She mentioned New Mexico, you’ll get scalped there, he shrieked, or—and passed a hairy finger across his hairier neck.
They ended up downtown in some bar where he was known. This is Belle she’s a wrestler too. She shook hands with a huge blonde woman who never spoke but laughed, whose eyes seemed to have no pupils, and teeth that looked as if they would fall out any moment, they did a moment later landing in her rum and coke, some obscene pink monster floating to be picked up and popped into a whale’s mouth, that closed but immediately opened wide revealing a wrinkled tongue rolled over itself. They were invited back to Belle’s apartment, full of fur it seemed, or were there that many cats. Walls lined with photographs of women wrestling in mud. She fell asleep on a fur settee and woke up to the sound of milk cans, grunts, moans and cats meowing. Through a half open door she saw the two wrestlers thumping it out.
She found herself in a narrow street lined with dustbins, bottles, dogs, cats and what looked like bundles of old clothing, which moved when she passed, and she saw white bony hands clasp a bottle, another a syringe. Where on earth was she, oh God, and there was a cop with baton swinging gun holstered at the end of the street. She quickly turned and half ran back the way she had come. She entered a subway, silently screaming in the inferno, this she felt would be a recurring nightmare, almost as if she had already dreamed it, but would there be the relief of waking up? Any moment she felt she’d throw a fit, or lose consciousness, the thought of those stuffed animals coming alive to trample on her body gave her some strength. Lines of robots behind newspapers, eggy mouthcorners, the smell of dirty sheets, toothpaste and four day control. Women with restless nights still in their glazed eyes, all freshly madeup but already powder cracking in the heat. Mouths masticating chewing gum, one side of jaw working furiously. She’d heard of grim things going on in the subway. Any moment a knife would be plunged into her back. Sickly bespectacled youth opposite her, his eyes on her legs, and yet further up, moved his hand in his trouser pocket. She uncrossed her legs, but crossed them again, tried to pull her skirt down. His hand moved more quickly. She got out. Was he going to follow? Her heart moved with her clicking heels, was that panting behind her? In broad daylight who would have thought but rapists would live in their own time. She arrived outside and became anonymous in the crowd surging up Fifth Avenue.
She entered a gaudy restaurant, all brass, chrome and mirrors. Eggs and bacon she said in a loud voice, the waitress yawned sunnyside up? Yes. That sounded good, like daffodils, or wheatfields, and she could almost smell a harvest, see the cornflowers, poppies above her head, and larks rising, rising into expanse of blue. The twisting path through the longer grass, her favourite walk until one day horror, she saw the white stick first, then legs with stockings rolled down waving in the air. Well of course blind men were men after all and… She never took the same walk again.
Twin suns surrounded by withered earwigs lay on a plate before her, she pierced one sun and watched it explode over the earwigs. A man with three chins, or was the third his collar, spread out opposite, he barricaded himself with the Wall Street Journal. She gulped some coffee down, paid and left. Left for what? There were always museums.
She felt dizzy in the Guggenheim, squares, dots of colour rose and fell, fell and rose. Oh for the stillness of the Turner Gallery, and the nodding keepers, the licking lapping Thames after a rather nasty cup of tea, and the bit of park near the Houses of Parliament, the solid oh so solid statues reminding that one lived in a history.
She caught a cab back to the hotel, the driver delighted to find she was English, his wife was, and out came photos of his family, all effigies of himself, six kids from the Bronx, but one in Vietnam now a good strong lad ma’am fighting for our country—those dirty yellow bastards. She told him to stop, even though it wasn’t anywhere near the hotel. And though hot, exhausted she walked in a park and saw a wider margin of sky.
Later back at the hotel she phoned. I’m coming out there tomorrow OK? She heard the sounds of jazz behind his stoned voice, and he talked non-stop, the line crackled, a shrill operator’s voice came on, or was it his wife? Then his mumbling, followed by shouting I said I want to fuck you front and back you bitch in a London telephone box and let ’em all see what a fine ass you have ma’am and bounce your lovely big tits up and down and get ten year old to gangbang you under Nelson’s column… hey… what time will you… OK right I’ll mee
t you at the station and morning glory seeds to push up your—what can’t hear where the hell are you—look if you’re lonely phone up a friend of—man—ho what a lovely man here’s the number—motherfucking kids shutup will you I’m talking to an English lady—Goddammit the Queen of England fuck off. She wrote the number down, screwed it up, searched for it later when darkness came. I’m a friend of… where are you now baby well why dontcher you come on down pick up a cab.
She arrived at a warehouse, an unlit street. A large studio with three men stoned out of their minds swaying between huge twisted parts of cars painted red and yellow. A real English rose just walk around baby that’s it like to see you just walk. They passed reefers around, but didn’t offer any to her. She asked for a glass of water, motioned into a partitioned off kitchen where a girl sat feeding a baby, who stared through her and said green parrots dancing on Buddha’s arms.
Motherlogue
Oh hello darling how lovely to hear you thank you for calling on this day yes I know I know one shouldn’t but still we share this don’t we dear his death of course it’s really his birthday Well how are things anything happening it’s been cold here are you warm enough in that flat I told you how cold it would get the snow’s coming through my kitchen window no no it’s all right now I’ve stuffed newspaper in it mmmmmm is it well I haven’t been out today are you using the electric blanket I gave you because if not you could bring it back next time you come down all it needs is a longer lead I’m sure Richard can fix that has he done it yet I see well if you aren’t using it I may as well have it back By the way I’ve got a new lodger Mr. Mole his name yes really Mole funny isn’t it and he’s just like one too well he hasn’t changed a thing in the room left the furniture exactly as I had arranged it not like some people the only trouble is he will use the lavatory late at night wakes me up and you know the plug being pulled sounds like a deluge coming down and then guess what yesterday he came knocking at my door all white faced said a pigeon had fallen down his chimney and would I see to it he was in a terrible state he’d already moved his bed out and put it in that small kitchen where he went off to while I was left to deal with the pigeon well I called the chimney sweep what a todo and he hasn’t moved back in there no dear the lodger the pigeon was taken out and there he is sleeps in that windowless room with the electric light burning all the time of course I’ll have to speak to him I mean the electricity bill is large enough without yes dear well he’s a computer you know works with machines
no he doesn’t seem to have a girlfriend
no I don’t think he’s one of those what what I can’t hear you oh dear this line’s terrible can you hear me oh did you dear well what had your father got to say for himself then yes he seems a little better walks more quickly seems more coherent doesn’t he but he’s now got this trouble in his ear like a little heart beating away in there he said and you know what he thinks some insect might have got in there yes dear an insect in his ear it was certainly on his mind the whole day he came down here he couldn’t talk about anything else and you know something every time he visits me he nestles down in the armchair and says oh it’s so good to be home again I have the feeling if given half the chance he’d hang his hat up here and oh dear you know how soft I can be and then he tries to kiss me when he leaves but I always turn my cheek the other way what was that oh really well I don’t know dear I was thinking of flying to Edinburgh for Christmas there’s a hotel advertised all in and you and Richard won’t want me around you’ll want to be together won’t you dear and I do have a week off yes yes well I thought it might be fun go off on my own well your father told me when he asked what you might be doing for Christmas you said you didn’t really know by the way he asked me when you might get married do you really think hello hello are you there who who who’s she oh Richard’s wife yes of course well I suppose he must miss the children and that is a problem isn’t it dear do you really think she’ll divorce him I mean
and oh by the way you might tell him to get that magazine readdressed it keeps coming here you know with his wife’s name on it I don’t know what the postman must think and sometimes it goes upstairs by mistake and there’s a huge parcel for him too he owes me some postage on it I don’t know sometimes I feel it’s like a post office here no no dear it doesn’t matter it’s only a few bob but you know it’s unlucky for stamps not to be paid for anyway if he’s expecting anything from New York he might not get it the main post office there was burnt down and all the mail for Europe well at least for Britain was completely destroyed How’s Ronnie have you seen him lately do give him my love lovely boy so gentle and understanding oh you had him round then what did you cook ah you must tell me the secret of doing that no no darling I was only kidding of course Richard likes his food doesn’t he takes a lot to feed a man like that of course he needs it all that energy does he still like his babyfood milk dear I mean and he’s always eating isn’t he still they say it’s good to eat often and little does he still eat with his knife well dear that time he used the knife with the cheese I mean it was such a sharp knife he’ll cut his tongue one of these days Well how are you feeling you sound a bit down oh yes the weather has been awful did you see in the paper that poor old woman found frozen to death and oh my goodness you remember Peggy I forgot to tell you I saw Lilly at the theatre the other night and she told me she was earth bound what dear no no not Lilly you know Peggy who was found dead after a whole week the landlady discovered her only because of the smell coming out on to the landing there she was a whole week rotting away well apparently she’s earth bound they’ve had several new lodgers in and each one hasn’t stayed long terrible things happening in the night bedclothes taken off furniture thrown about and one girl even had her nightie torn off yes yes dear they’ve seen her of course it was all Peggy’s furniture I bet she’s mad being left there like that for a whole week cheerful soul really wasn’t she so full of life terrible thing to happen you never know do you Oh by the way dear I thought perhaps you’d like to come down this weekend there’s a good play on and I could book tickets oh I see well enjoy yourselves Oh I forgot to tell you I’ve ordered a nice leather bag for you to match your coat after all that one you’ve got looks so tatty How’s the smoking dear I can hear you coughing away you ought to try those small cigars I told you about are you taking those vitamin pills I’m sure Richard is he knows how to take good care of himself did you read all that about the birth pills of course it might be those that spoil your complexion used to be so nice and clear well it does look kind of dry these days and you look so grey when you do come down I don’t think cities really agree with you still God knows where you’ll be this time next year the other end of the world I suppose What are you doing for New Year’s Eve oh I see no no I haven’t arranged anything and I’m certainly not going to the Scottish do so cliquish besides they’d only put me next to a terrible old blind man like last time no one else would and they think ah there’s old muggins we’ll put her next to him as she hasn’t got anyone and he’s not half as blind as he’s supposed to be there he is eyeing all the girls no I’m not putting up with that rather spend it on my own the only problem is I haven’t got a first footer you know dear a dark man to come into the flat after midnight no no the lodger won’t do he’s blonde at least I think he is he hasn’t got that much hair but I know he’s not dark ah well How’s the money side of things have you worked it out between you I mean you can spend a lot of money on food alone feeding a big man like Richard it’s a shame he can’t get a job no no not so much the money dear even a voluntary job would get him out of the flat for a while I mean he’s really so restless isn’t he all that excess energy and besides no woman can stand having a man around all day
I see well it is difficult to make ends meet for me but then something always turns up even when I’m down to my last penny something turns up my guardian angel looks after me just as well I suppose no one else will I thought I might take up typing lessons can’t afford a
typewriter though well next year as you know dear I retire of course everyone is amazed that I’ve nearly reached retirement age what what do you mean dear 1/3d for the cinema oh old age pensioners yes I know it’s silly really but when I see these old women drawing their pensions out I think oh dear next year I’ll be one of those yes I know dear still at my age what man will look at me they go after all these young girls not that I really need a man around you know I couldn’t bear the idea of sharing the same bed besides I snore no what I want is a nice cultured man just for a companion go to the theatre with occasionally someone who likes classical music and good books but men of my age they’re so dull and the ones who do look at me aren’t worth a second look yes well I did go out once with that one but he had such a terrible speaking voice I couldn’t bear it besides I think he thought I was a rich widow oh I soon tell them I have a job and the car’s not mine but belongs to the firm you soon know then what they’re after By the way dear I forgot to mention you know that awful man who came up behind you on the beach and exposed himself well the police have caught a man who’s assaulted three women along that stretch of the underwalk I bet it’s the same man terrible isn’t it you can’t go anywhere nowadays rape murder robbery only the other day a poor old woman was coshed to death by hooligans in the grocery just round the corner fancy doing that to a poor defenceless woman And oh did I tell you about the car gave me a nasty turn the other day this car in front of me a woman driver too which is unusual turned off to the right suddenly no signals nothing good job I had my wits about me and there was a lorry right behind me he had to go up on the pavement don’t know what would have happened if he what dear oh sorry I always do get a bit shouty when I’m hysterical well it did shake me up no no the car’s all right Oh I forgot to tell you such an awful dream I had the other night no dear not the lavatory one wasn’t that a strange one there you were hanging half way out of the cistern with all those people looking on and you said you wanted to do it alone that you had to prove something and I thought why demonstrate it in such a difficult way no this dream was really awful I even woke up crying I was searching for you in large buildings then in a huge forest and I couldn’t find you anywhere I woke up in a terrible state and it still haunts me funny how some dreams have that effect on one isn’t it that one you had of me burning myself like a Buddhist nun no no I never really try to interpret my dreams just as well probably those nightmare ones amaze me because they always seem to be some kind of prophesy it might take a few months but as sure as fate something linked to the dream happens very weird isn’t it well dear I better ring off this must be costing you something you’ll be down on the Sunday I suppose oh but darling you can’t possibly come down on Christmas Day there aren’t any trains running no no nothing that day had you forgotten this is England not America everything closes down here yes yes I’m absolutely sure anyway I expected you to be down on Christmas Eve I’d like to see something of OK dear and there’s only about one train on Boxing Day so you’ll have to go back the following day what’s Ronnie doing by the way for Christmas