by Shari Arnold
“Is that what you want, Livy? A kiss?”
I nod my head, thinking, it’s a start, but I’m also very aware that I’m gambling here. I want him to feel the possibility of something more, to want something he can’t have. If he’s felt anything close to what I have felt for him leading up to this moment, this dare will pay off. For both of us, I hope.
“Alright.” His hand reaches up, brushing my hair back, and then it settles along the side of my neck. And it’s not fair how immediate my reaction is. I feel a burst of warmth rush through me, followed by a jolt of nervousness. He takes that last step, closing the distance that separates us. His body is pressed to mine now. Nearly everywhere.
I know I should close my eyes, but I don’t want to. I want to see him in every moment of this kiss. I want proof that he feels what I feel. I don’t trust him to be honest with me.
Meyer leans down and then stops so that our mouths are just shy of each other. I start to tremble, anticipating his next move.
“I wonder,” he whispers against my lips, “if this plan of yours is going to backfire on you.” His breath is warm, mixing with mine. “Or if maybe I’ll be the one to lose something tonight.” When I don’t say anything and instead drop my eyes to his lips, he smiles at me, slow and deliberate.
I raise my eyes to his, taking in his challenge and issuing one of my own. “Or perhaps I’ll win this last game for the both of us. Did you ever think of that?”
Meyer’s smile widens — that glint of determination ever present in his eyes — and then he pulls me in and kisses me. At first it feels as though he’s punishing me for this dare. His kiss is almost painful in its forcefulness. There’s a battle to be won here tonight, and it’s clear to me he intends, as always, to be the victor.
I match him, kissing him back with everything I have and more, willing him to feel something. Believing it’s impossible for him to not. I know there’s something in the way he looks at me. There’s an energy that moves between us. If he won’t admit it to me or even himself, I’ll make him feel it. And what he does with that is up to him.
Meyer’s kiss gentles for a moment, and I worry he’s going to pull away, that we’re done and I’ve lost this game.
But he doesn’t pull away. Instead his hands move into my hair, drawing me in until we’re so close there’s nowhere left for me to go. His mouth is warm against mine but even more than that, it is insistent. His fingertips move up my neck and then slowly travel along my jawline as though he’s tracing me. I feel as if that spot, where his finger and thumb grip my chin, is no longer mine, but his.
His hand moves to my hip, his thumb sliding along the waistline of my jeans, and I sigh when his touch reaches my bare skin. He nudges my lips apart, seeking something deeper, and when I give it to him his fingers dig into me in response. My legs tremble beneath me and I worry I no longer have the strength to hold myself up. I’ve never been kissed like this, like I’m needed, desperately.
“Stay,” he whispers against my lips. “Don’t go back, Livy. Stay.”
My chest tightens as though I am dying. I suck in a breath, but it’s not enough. My eyes well up, wanting to say yes, wishing with all that I have that I could.
“Come with me,” I whisper against his lips.
I open my eyes, realizing for the first time I’ve closed them. And Meyer does the same. We stare at each other, still touching, but no longer moving. Just breathing each other in. Then it hits me — what I’ve done — what I’ve asked him to do.
Now would be the time for him to tell me how he feels. Right now, this instant.
“Meyer?” My voice is soft between us but he jumps.
His eyes go wide and he pushes me away, grasping for some distance between us. He holds his hands up as though holding me off. He is a wild animal, cornered in a cage. All I can do is watch helplessly as he shuts down completely. His expression is wiped clean, a blank canvas. He is back to the closed-off Meyer, the mysterious Meyer.
“You should return to Jenna now. You wouldn’t want her to wake up and find you’re gone.”
“I— What?” I reach for him, but he brushes me off.
“You know you’re way back.”
And then he’s gone.
I stand there, frozen, thinking he’ll come back. Hoping. But he never returns.
CHAPTER THIRTY
I am awake in an instant. I don’t know how long I’ve slept. I don’t actually remember closing my eyes. I’d made a conscious decision once I returned to Jenna that I was going to stay awake, just to watch her sleep. But I guess sleep does come to Neverland, even when you’re no longer a child.
I’m not sure what has awakened me. The sky is only slightly brighter and Jenna and Alice are still asleep. And then I hear it. Footsteps. Someone is walking toward us on the path.
“Well, isn’t this sweet,” a voice says, and I freeze.
“Look at you, watching over her like you can protect her from me.” The voice is clear now, and so close.
James.
“It truly is sweet, Meyer,” he says, “and a little sad, actually. But just because you’re guarding over her doesn’t mean she’ll stay.”
I sit up slowly, not wanting to wake the girls. But my gasp of surprise stirs them anyway. Meyer is perched near us in the tree. His knees are drawn up, his head resting back. He appears so relaxed he could be he’s sleeping, but then he blinks at me. He is definitely awake.
“Come down, little children,” James calls out. “Don’t make me come up there.”
“How long?” I whisper, staring at Meyer. “How long have you been here?”
He doesn’t answer at first, just holds my gaze.
“Maybe you were right,” he says finally. He doesn’t shift from his position in the tree, nor does he acknowledge James.
“About what?” I whisper.
James is getting closer; his footsteps crunch directly below us.
“Everything,” Meyer chokes out.
“Livy?” Jenna sits up, looking a bit startled.
“It’s okay, Jenna. Go back to sleep.” I reach back and pat her hand, but I can’t bring myself to look away from Meyer.
What does he mean, everything? What is he saying?
“But I thought I heard James…” Jenna shifts toward me, rubbing her eyes. She looks so young right now with her princess dress and her sleep-rumpled hair. I brush her hair back behind her ear and she smiles at me. She is so beautiful.
“You don’t have to leave,” Meyer says, moving closer to us in the tree. “You could stay here, Livy. I don’t want you to—”
“Come down!” James’ bellow startles Alice awake and she sits up with a cry.
“It’s alright, Alice,” Jenna says, rubbing her back. “It’s morning now. Time to wake up.”
Morning. I look around, recognizing the blue-green sky. I’ve seen this sky before. It was just yesterday.
“I told you I would be back,” James says, and I jump. He’s joined us in the tree now. With his long black coat and his dark features, he is the raven, stirring up trouble in a tree filled with fairies. “It’s a tad bit crowded up here, don’t you think? Why don’t we all return to the ground.” He flashes his charming smile at us and Alice’s whimpering tapers off. But now that she’s stopped I wish I could start. I don’t want to leave the tree. Leaving the tree is definitely not a good idea. I don’t want it to be morning.
Jenna is the first to listen to James. She pulls her blankets back and rises to her feet. Alice follows soon after.
Meyer is standing up in the tree now and when he catches my eye he holds out his hand and helps me to my feet.
“I mean it, Livy. You don’t—”
“She can hear all you have to say… on the ground!”
James leans close and whispers something in Meyer’s ear, and whatever it is it doesn’t sit well with Meyer. He glares at him, but James is unaffected. James gives him a little shove and then waits for us to exit the tree.
“Ri
ght, then,” James says once we’re all back on the ground. He turns to me; his smile is ever so casual. “What have you decided?”
Decided? Have I decided? I grip my hands together in front of me. I thought I’d made a decision. I was pretty sure I knew what the right thing was to do. But now? Now I’m not so sure anymore. Actually, I’m pretty confident I don’t know. Kissing Meyer changed everything.
I look to Alice who’s staring at me, obviously terrified, and still slightly confused from being startled awake. She doesn’t know whether or not to let herself feel fear. It hovers near her mouth, trembling in her forced smile. She keeps trying to push it back as though it’s not something she’s familiar with. She looks so brave, braver than me.
And there’s Meyer. He’s standing just apart from us with his arms crossed, and his eyes watchful. He’s not saying anything. And I really wish he would say something. Why isn’t he telling me what he wanted to tell me in the tree? If he really feels something for me why isn’t he fighting for me like I’ve been fighting for Jenna? Or like I’ve been fighting for him? Is it because of James? I keep sending pleading glances his way, wishing he would help me out here, while his expression grows ever darker.
And then there’s Jenna. She’s holding my hand, gazing up at me with such serenity. Does she think I’m going to stay? Does she think there’s no fear of losing me again? Whatever she thinks, she is at peace, and I wish she would share that with me. Right now.
“Livy?” James taps his finger on the large black watch strapped to his wrist. I’ve never noticed this watch before. How does it even work here? “It’s time to decide.”
“Well. See,” I stall, clearing my throat and then taking a few deep breaths. “I was hoping you could give me another day or two, you know, to really make my decision. We’ve been so busy here, and I haven’t had a chance to—”
“No. No more time. It’s time to decide.” He leans toward me, leaving no room for misunderstanding. “Now.”
“But—”
“Now, Livy.”
I hate James. I hate him more than anything I’ve ever hated. And I will always hate him. I glare at him, but he only smiles back.
“Livy?” Jenna tugs on my hand but I ignore it. I can’t look at her now while I’m completely consumed by hate. I don’t want her to see his effect on me.
“It’s just one day,” I plead. “One day isn’t going to—”
“No.” James snaps the word out so fast it feels like an assault. “And it’s not just one day. While you’ve been lollygagging here in Neverland you’ve already missed an entire week of life.”
“What?” I take a step back, dragging Jenna with me. “A week? That’s not possible!”
“Are you telling me I’m wrong?”
Alice chooses this moment to burst into tears, and Jenna runs to comfort her. I guess she finally figured out whether or not to be afraid.
“I don’t understand what’s happening,” she mumbles into Jenna’s arms. “I don’t like this.”
“Livy.” James has moved closer to me. He rests a hand on my shoulder and I pull away. “This is it,” he tells me. “This is your second chance. Do you understand what I’m telling you? Nobody gets a second chance to say goodbye.”
“Goodbye?” I can barely breathe now. I keep thinking about how a week has passed and how worried my parents must be. And Sheila. And Jilly. “Goodbye?”
“You never got to tell her. Now you can, Livy. Take this opportunity. Live your own life.”
Goodbye?
I peek around James, searching for Meyer, and he’s still where I last saw him, standing to the side as though not a part of this. He looks up, sensing my distress. His eyes are dark, his jaw tense. For a second his expression softens, and then he looks away.
“Livy?” The voice comes out of nowhere. It stirs the leaves on the trees and then with a force I’m not expecting, it rushes right through me, nearly nocking me back. “Livy?”
“What? Who is that?”
James moves closer, blocking everyone else out. “What is it?” he asks me. “What did you hear?”
“I don’t—”
“Livy?”
“There it is again!” I push James away, searching for the voice. But it’s just us: Alice, Jenna, Meyer, James and myself. Everyone else is still sleeping.
“You must decide,” James tells me. “Now.”
“No.” I move away from him, hating how I can’t see Jenna. “I’m not ready.”
“Livy!”
“What?” I spin around, shouting into the cool-colored sky. “What do you want? Who are you?”
“Livy?” Jenna approaches me slowly, her eyes all at once afraid. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing,” I say looking around. “I just—”
“Livy!”
“What?!” I throw my hands out wide, spinning around. “How is no one else hearing that?”
Everyone is staring at me now like I’m crazy, and maybe I am. Meyer uncrosses his arms and takes a step toward me, but James steps between us, blocking him from view.
“This is it. Decide now or I make the decision.”
“What? You can’t do that!” I try to push away from him, desperate to get to Jenna, but he has hold of my arm and he won’t let go.
“I can and I will,” he tells me. “But it would be so much better — better for you, Livy — if you made this decision on your own.”
“But I can’t,” I choke out, my voice nearly inaudible. “Can’t you see that? Can’t you understand how difficult—” I stop, unable to say anything more. I look to Meyer to help me. There has to be a way he can get me more time. His body is so tense now, as though some invisible force is holding him back. And in his eyes, well, he just looks broken.
“She’s going,” Jenna calls out. She’s still standing near Alice, nearly holding the young girl on her feet.
“You need to go, Livy,” she says, her eyes pleading with me. “It’s not right that you’re here. You know that. I know that.” Her smile is so strong it nearly breaks me.
“No, Jenna. I don’t know that.” My tears are falling now. I have nothing more to keep inside. They’re all that’s left of me.
“It was never your time. It’s not fair that you stay. Not to mom and dad. Not to you.”
“But I can’t leave you!” I push past James and run to her, and then I hear it again.
“Livy! Please wake up. Wake up, Livy!”
I nearly fall to the ground, holding my hands over my ears as the voice pounds against my head.
“STOP IT! PLEASE!”
Jenna is in front of me now. She takes my hands in hers, holding them to her heart. “Just say goodbye.”
“No!” I pull my hands free, gripping her face, kissing her cheeks. I can’t tell if she’s crying or if I’m just crying all over her. But both of us are covered in tears. “No, Jenna. I don’t want to. I don’t want to leave you here!”
“It’s time for you to go,” she says. “It’s time for you to live. Please do it.”
“But I want you to come! Why can’t you just come?”
“Because she can’t, Livy,” James says.
I glare at James, hating him with everything I have.
Jenna turns me back so that I’m facing her, and with her little hands against my face she holds me there, her forehead resting against mine. “Can you see me, Livy?”
“Yes,” I say. Always.
She holds my face tight, her eyes in my eyes. “You can do this. Just say goodbye.”
“I can’t, though. I don’t want to.”
“You can. I know you can.”
I try to shake my head at her, unable to say anything more, but she’s holding me so tightly I can’t move at all.
“Goodbye, Livy. I love you. Always.”
“No! Wait!” I try to grip her to me, tighter. But she’s fading away. “Wait!” I call out. “Wait, Jenna!” Her eyes flutter back in sight, blue like my mother’s. “I love you
,” I whisper. “I love you, Jenna.” And because I’ve never been able to say the word, I just think it. Imagine it. One word that is nearly impossible to say.
Goodbye.
PART THREE
For to have faith is to have wings.
— J.M. Barrie
Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
There is a beeping sound somewhere near me. It fades in and then fades out. I latch onto it, pulling myself up from the heaviness that’s burying me, but I still can’t figure out where it’s coming from. There are distinct voices now. They sound far away and then close. I wish I could see where I am, but it’s too dark here. My eyes open and then immediately close. Why is it so bright? It’s blinding. And what is that terrible beeping noise?
I open my eyes slower this time and focus on the face staring back at me.
“Livy?
My mother is in my room. She’s leaning over my bed, her eyes so wide they nearly take up her entire face.
“Livy? Can you hear me?”
“Of course I can hear you,” I say, but it doesn’t sound like me, more like a really old, chain-smoking version of me.
“Livy!” she cries, gripping my hand so hard it hurts. “I was so afraid! They told us… I wasn’t sure how you would be if you woke up. I mean, when you woke up.” She’s talking so quickly I can only make out half of what she’s saying.
“What is this place?” I ask her. Just now noticing I’m not in my room. “Where am I?”
“You’re in the Seattle Children’s Hospital, Livy,” a new voice tells me.
Standing on the other side of my bed is a man in green scrubs. He looks too young to be a doctor. Is he my nurse?
“My name is Dr. Garrett. I’m the chief neurologist here at Children’s. I’ve been watching over you while you took your rest.” He smiles at me as though this is funny. But I don’t get the joke.
“Wait.” I turn back to my mom, who’s still holding my hand, smiling at me while tears run down her face. “Wait.” I say again. “I’m in the hospital?”