by L. B. Dunbar
“Reggie,” I call out, seeking the supervisor. The second call I practically scream. Reaching for my phone, I dial 911 as Reg enters the sitting room. “Overdose.” I swallow, keeping my fingers on Stephie’s neck, my own body shivering at all the possibilities this could mean.
+ + +
Stephie’s been pumped, prepped, and set on an IV drip to clean her system. The road to recovery is going to be a lot longer than one night in the hospital, and I only hope she’ll get where she needs to go. I know the road went untraveled by me too many times before I had my wake-up call. Losing everything I physically owned. Losing the one thing I could never own. Nearly destroying a life.
“Kit was right. You’re a good man,” Stephie moans, her voice groggy as her head rolls on the pillow. She looks old—used and abused—and probably not even forty. The professional groupie life is a difficult path. Her hair lays limp and scraggly around her bony, thin face. Did I ever find her attractive? I shudder at the thought and think of Midge. I’m ignoring what Stephie says, disappearing in images of Midge. Her beautiful, thick brown hair, not a hint of gray but filled with highlights. I want to watch it change. I want to see her grow old. Her smaller size but ample curves, which she isn’t afraid to show off, at least in private with me. I think of the lavender lingerie she wore the other night under her raincoat. My girl has some gumption. The thought of her as mine reminds me I’m hoping I’m not too late.
“She really loved you,” Stephie adds, and my attention leaps back to her.
“Who?” I ask; although the sick feeling in my gut tells me I should know the answer.
“Kit, silly. She always talked about you. She said she could rely on you.”
I snort in response. “That’s not love.”
“We all knew you were fucking each other more exclusive than most of the boys.” I cringe again at the reference to the open sexuality of all of us back then. How meaningless it all was. Can I recall now why I thought it was fun? I pause, and Stephie continues.
“She was stupid not to marry you, always bragging that you asked, but playing it cool that she didn’t want marriage.” My stomach roils with bile at the thought of Kit belittling my proposals. “But she loved you, and she should have just done said yes.” Stephie’s eyes close. I should let her rest, but she’s riled me up and I need to speak.
“She never said she loved me,” I scoff, trying to blow off the suggestion like Kit so coldly dismissed my proposals.
“Sometimes you don’t need to say the words to have emotion be heard, Hanky. It’s right there before your eyes if you really want to listen.” I’m ready to scoff again, thinking this makes no sense, but the more I consider it, I wonder. Am I still not listening? Do I not hear the sweet sound before me in Midge? I want to hear her love. I want to be somebody’s someone. More, whispers through my head. At every turn, Midge has been telling me and showing me she’s willing to give me everything. I’m missing it with the shit deafening my head instead of fully opening my heart.
“It doesn’t matter now,” Stephie says, swallowing hard, her lips cracked and chapped. Her eyes still closed. Her head rolls away from me, and I think she’s fallen back into the blissful abyss the hospital offers until her system cleans itself enough to move on.
“The hell it doesn’t,” I mutter, speaking to myself. I’ve been alone for too long, probably most of my life even within the relationship with Kit. Love isn’t a one-sided album track. There always has to be a B-side to the A-side. Any drummer knows the rhythm works best with two sticks not one. I’m tired of being alone, so tired, and I have a willing person before me to share my life with me. What the fuck have I been waiting for?
+ + +
I’m eager to get to Midge’s house the next morning. I tried to call overnight but all messages went to voicemail. Even my text messages remain unanswered. I say there was an emergency. Then I panic and promise I can explain everything, worried Ronin told his mom what he saw, what he thought he saw.
“Don’t give up on me, little lady.” It’s the last message I leave with hope she will listen to me. My ears are open, as are my eyes and my heart, but heavy feet carry me up her front walk.
After ringing the bell, I hear shuffling behind the door. Muffled voices and a slight bang occurs before the door opens.
“What do you want?” Elston snaps, his brother Ronin behind him.
“I’d like to talk to your mother.” My arms cross, a defensive stature kicking in, but this punk ass gives it right back to me. He’s going to protect his mom, I can see it in his eyes, and I can’t fault him. Still, I need to see her.
“She isn’t here,” Ronin says behind his brother, arms crossed to match my stance. Not nearly as robust as his sibling, he still refuses to let me over the threshold like his brother.
“I’ll wait,” I demand, stepping forward when Elston holds up a hand.
“My mother doesn’t allow strangers in the house when she isn’t home.” His voice drips saccharine sweet and sarcastic.
“Good thing I’m not a fu…a stranger.” My eyes catch Liam in the background, and I curb my cursing. I don’t quite believe Elston’s statement nor do I like the implication I’m an outsider. For a second, I wonder if they’re covering for Midge, who hides inside the house, but then again, she would never send her sons for her. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, she’ll face me and want answers. I think back to the first time she confronted me when I perched her on my brother’s desk and ate her like the delicacy she is.
“You are now,” Ronin interjects, sheepishly.
“Ronin, what you saw…It wasn’t what you thought.”
“Save it for the judge, mister,” he blurts, and I don’t even know what that means.
“What were you doing at the crisis center anyway?” I ask. Elston’s head twists to his younger brother as if this question hasn’t been asked.
“I was dropping off a friend.” His voice squeaks as his head lowers. My need to help crashes over me.
“What happened?” My concern is returned with a glare.
“None of your business.” It would have been my business had I stayed at the center. Instead, I traveled with Stephie to the hospital and waited until she was out of immediate danger. I couldn’t help her more than that. She needs a sponsor, but I can’t be it for her. I’m too close to her history with my past, but I offered recommendations of places to call and people to meet if she is ready to keep herself clean. Only Stephie can make those decisions, no one else.
Liam peeks around his second brother’s arm. “Why can’t we let him in again?”
“He cheated on Mom,” Elston snaps, and I feel like I’ve been sucker punched.
“Ronin,” I groan, swiping a hand down my face before I can look at Midge’s middle child. “That is not what happened. It’s a crisis center…and she was having a crisis.”
“Oh, I bet she was having a crisis,” Elston retorts, and I see his hand twitch. If he wasn’t a kid, only seventeen, he’d be on the floor in a second. Instead, I take a deep breath and clasp my itchy fists.
“You watch yourself, kid. And don’t disrespect women like that.”
“Because you respect them so much?” He’s back to sharp eyes and an even sharper tongue. Sarcasm isn’t pretty on a teenager, and I almost laugh at his balls. He reminds me of myself.
“I respect women plenty, especially your mother. I’d never cheat on her. And I’m not having this conversation with you until I speak to her first.”
Elston shakes his head, and it’s Ronin who speaks. “Well, she isn’t home. She said she had errands, but I think she just wanted to be alone. We don’t know when she’ll be back.”
“Why don’t we like him anymore?” Liam asks all innocent, his head whipping back and forth between his brothers like a tennis match.
“He wasn’t good to Mom,” Elston adds. “He treated her like Dad did.” I might hate this kid for the comparison to a man I know treated Midge poorly.
“Elston
,” Ronin warns, his eyes shifting from his big brother to his little brother, issuing a warning.
“What did Dad do?” Liam asks all innocent, and I swipe a hand down my face again, before imploring Elston to shut up before he digs himself too deep. Liam looks up at me. “You can’t divorce her. You aren’t married.” He pauses a second. “Are you breaking up?”
The horror on his face nearly breaks me. I want to reach forward and pull him to my chest, but with the glare Elston levels at me, I don’t move.
“We are not breaking up. Absolutely not. We are just getting started.” I meet Elston head-on before I see the hesitation in his eyes. His brows pinch slightly before he looks away.
“Either way, she isn’t here,” Ronin reminds me.
“Like I said, I’ll wait.” I’ve been waiting so long for someone like their mother, what’s a few more minutes, hours, days? I spin for the stoop and take a seat, briefly glancing over my shoulder to smirk at a seventeen-year-old. Elston steps back, forcing Ronin farther into the house, but Liam curves around his brothers.
“I’ll wait with you.” He walks to the front stoop and takes a seat on the bricks next to me. This kid. I look down at the brick step, and a chuckle hits me. Literally, I’m pausing on another step in life. How is that for irony?
+ + +
I’m pretty certain waiting isn’t one of the twelve steps of recovery, and as the time ticks by, I grow more restless. Midge doesn’t really think I cheated on her, right? This is all a misunderstanding. I just need to tell her what happened.
A light touch comes to my wrist, and I flinch at the contact. I turn toward Liam, forgetting for a moment I had company. He’s been playing on his phone the whole time he sits next to me, but I’ve given up looking at mine. Midge isn’t answering any type of message.
“What are these for again?” Liam points at the two bands around my wrist, hesitating that I might reject his touch.
“You startled me when you touched me,” I reassure him. “My thoughts are kind of deep at the moment.”
“Mom gets like that too sometimes. Sort of in her head and she doesn’t hear us call her name or enter a room. I thought it was just a girl thing.”
I chuckle. “Yeah, what do you know about girls?” He’s only ten, but then again, when I was ten, I’d already felt up the thirteen-year-old babysitter. I don’t want to think of Liam doing those things yet. Stick to baseball, kid.
“Not much. I’m not all gooey for them like Elston and Ronin. Dad says my time will come. Mom says don’t rush it. I have girls who are friends, though. That’s cool.” He nods like this is an accomplishment.
“That is cool. Friends are really important.” I think about my friends—the ones I used to have, the ones who never were true friends. Tommy comes to mind as the true kind. He’s trying to pick up with me as if we never left off. There’s a lot of water still drowning the bridge, but I can see him working to repair the damage. Even Gage, who I didn’t pay much attention to when they were punks and just getting their band started, has included me wholeheartedly into their fold. I miss the band. Then I reflect a moment—honestly, I don’t. I’m in a better place where I am, who I am, and with who I plan to spend my time with in the future. “Girlfriends can be awesome, too. When you’re ready, though.”
“Mom is your girlfriend, right? I mean, I see you kiss her, and she’s always watching you when you walk around a room. She smiles more, and she has those gooey eyes.” He rolls his eyes. “She wasn’t like that with my dad.”
My chest clenches. I don’t want him to think ill of his father, and it’s none of my business where Midge’s previous relationship stood. I mean, they’re divorced, so it’s over. Yet I’m a twinge happy I draw her eyes like he says and make her smile.
“She is my girlfriend, and I plan to keep her, despite what your brothers are saying. They’re misinformed. Do you know what that means?”
“I’m ten, not stupid.” He raises an eyebrow at me.
“Got it. Well, your mom and I had a misunderstanding, thanks to Ronin’s misunderstanding.” I pause. That isn’t exactly true. I saw her shut down after the other night in the back of my car. As I sit next to her son, I shouldn’t think of such things as her naked body underneath mine, christening the leather of my car with the scent of her. But I need to recall her expression—the confusion, the sadness, the miscommunication—between us. I interpreted one thing while she clearly meant another. There’s more misunderstanding than one at the moment. “I just need to talk to her.”
I’m hoping that’s all I need to do to convince her, but as the time passes, I’m beginning to wonder.
“What do those mean again?” He nods at my wrist.
“The leather symbolizes ‘weaving’ people together, like my old band, and the brown beads remind me it takes a team.” His brown-haired head nods slowly. “A team for support. For love.”
“You might need a team to win back Mom. Elston, Ronin and I have to do that sometimes. When she’s upset with one of us, we stick together to get each other out of trouble.” His head continues rocking, and to my surprise, an idea comes to me from this ten-year-old, who is not stupid at all. Not one bit.
37
Worth the wait
[Hank]
After two hours, I decide to quit looking like a stalker on their front stoop. I’m up to thirty-seven text messages and endless calls going unanswered. Liam looks bored sitting with me, and we’ve run out of shit to talk about. We cover baseball, girls some more, the bracelets a third time, and his brothers. Not his mom. Not his dad. I’m thankful for the company, but my ass numbs from the brick. I need to regroup, so I drive home, and to my surprise, a welcomed package sits on my front porch.
“Thank fuck,” I mutter as I exit the truck and rush up the walk. “Lady, I’ve been waiting for you at your house. Where you been?”
Her eyes hide behind large, round sunglasses. A shaky hand comes to the edge, adjusting the frame on her nose.
“I’ve been sitting here, waiting for you.” I chuckle in relief although the presence of humor remains missing between us. I fold down to sit next to her on the wooden steps, and she moves over. The movement makes a statement. She doesn’t want to be close to me. Her lip trembles as her eyes remain forward. Under the side frame, I see a tear forming, and I want to reach over and take it from her. No more tears because of me, Midge, my heart screams.
“I guess we’re quite a pair,” I say softly, bumping her shoulder with my bicep. If we’ve been waiting for each other at our respective houses, that says something positive about us, right? There’s still an us, right? I rub at my chest when she shifts away from me. Her eyes still forward, she speaks.
“I just want to hear it from you. Just tell it to me honestly.” Her fingers spread on her jeans and then ball into fists as if she needs to hold something. I reach for her hand and force her fingers between mine. Her head hangs, her eyes burning into our joined palms. I squeeze, warning her I’m not letting go.
“Ronin came to the crisis center. It was teen day, and we intake new kids. It’s one of my favorite days, like I told you.” She keeps still, but she’s listening. Step one complete. “Stephie snuck into the center. Remember her? She was at the party, when we met, and once again at the garage.” Her head swivels to mine, and I want her to remember our first meeting, the one in the bathroom, when she looked into my eyes and I wanted to take all her worries. Instead, I think I’ve given her more concern. That changes now.
“Anyway, Stephie overdosed.”
“Sweet cheese.” Her body shifts, and she squeezes my hand. I’m grateful for her knees leaning against my thigh suddenly. One more part of us connecting.
“When she came to Restored Dreams, she wanted drugs from me, but I swear on a stack of Bibles dripping in holy water, I do not do those things anymore.” My eyes focus on the lenses shielding hers, but it’s not enough. I need to see those pretty things even if they’re brimming with tears. I push the frame upward to rest on
her head. She’s so fucking beautiful even though she’s been crying for too long.
“Ronin came into a meeting room when Stephie tugged at me. Being on drugs can increase the adrenaline, increase your strength. She grabbed me, and I stumbled. When Ronin walked in, it looked bad. I admit it was easy to misinterpret. He rushed out before I could explain, and when I went to follow him, Steph had passed out. We had to call an ambulance. I’ve been at the hospital most of the night.”
“Did she live?” Midge swallows as she asks.
“She did.” I pause for a moment, my hand growing sweaty as my heart races. I need to come clean. “She told me things about Kit. Whether true or not, they were nice to hear. Kit didn’t have many girlfriends. Other women were either jealous or wanted to take advantage of her. The groupies following the band weren’t really a threat, though. They didn’t want Kit’s fame; they only wanted the band.” Midge tugs at my hand, but I draw it to my thigh and place my other hand on hers. “My point is…I let Kit go a long time ago, but I think bits and pieces still haunted me. I don’t mean for them to do it. I haven’t really been with someone exclusively since Kit, so my ideas about relationships might be a little skewed. While I want to be loved, I have to give it fully in return. I understand that, and I want to give it all to you, little lady, because I feel you give so much to me. I’m an ass.” I chuckle, my forehead furrowing as I beg her to understand. “I see you looking at me, and I talk myself out of it meaning anything. I hold my breath, waiting for you to walk away.”
“But—”
“But you haven’t yet. Each time there’s an issue, you actually come to me, and it’s refreshing. You don’t run away, you run forward, and I want to catch you.” My lip curls. Fuck, I want so much more than just to catch her. I want to hold her forever.