by Sarah Noffke
Chapter Twenty-Three
September 2014
The Institute was as sterile as a prison and I’d willingly imprisoned myself in it. It was a fate I endured knowing I’d brought it on myself. And because I had nothing to spend my money on since the Institute took care of my room and board, I sent my checks to the church in Peavey, after I paid a few bills, of course. Money didn’t matter. Women didn’t exist. And although I had awoken after my ordeal with Allouette, I was still calloused to the world, as Trey suspected I’d always be.
I served Trey with a loyalty I had only for people like my parents. Trey Underwood was the first person I met with admirable skills that I wasn’t interested in copying and adding to my persona. I’d never be able to pull off the good guy act. I was a man with a monster inside me. That monster was born there and was never going away.
After eighteen years of working as the Head Strategist I took a demotion. For all of those years I’d sent agents out into the field to intervene and use their skills to stop tragedy. No longer concerned about Chase or Allouette finding me, I gave myself a new assignment, and this was a big one. A society of Dream Travelers in Southern Oregon were suppressing the gifts of rebellious Dream Travelers. I assigned myself the extremely difficult task of infiltrating the corrupt government and bringing down the power source behind the atrocity. All I had to do was get there, which would require some good old-fashioned Middling travel since there were no GAD-Cs in the piney state.
When I took that first step off the submarine onto the dock I realized what I’d missed without knowing it. Wind. It whirled over my cheeks and the backs of my hands. Like I did that first day in London, I raised my hands in the air with a welcoming embrace and sang out, “I know you’ve missed me, world. Ren’s back.”
The sun set over the western horizon, sparkling over the rippling Pacific waters. Sunlight. I also hadn’t seen real sunlight in eighteen years. But unlike the wind I knew I’d missed it. Its absence in my life was like missing a finger. You never forget that it’s gone. I pulled sunglasses out of my pocket, as prepared as ever.
I was halfway to LAX when I remembered the other reason that I’d willingly imprisoned myself in an underwater facility for so long. Stretched across a building and as beautiful as ever was an image of Dahlia. She was still famous. She’d aged, as I had, but was unmistakably beautiful. A knot that I didn’t think could exist in my throat ever again tied into place. I coughed it away.
“Hey,” I said to the cab driver.
“Billy,” he said, looking over his shoulder at me. “My name is Billy, not hey.”
“Whatever,” I said. “That singer, Dahlia, do you know anything about her?”
“Buddy, what planet did you just come from? Everyone knows about Dahlia.”
“I’m not your buddy, Larry,” I said.
“I said my name is Billy.”
Ignoring him I said, “So did she ever get married?”
“Oh yeah,” the guy said with a howling laugh.
I sat back, my jaw flexing. I had no right to be mad. And still I was livid. I’d abandoned her. Told her off. Broken her heart. How didn’t I expect that she’d get married one day? I knew she’d move on. And hadn’t I?
“It lasted a whole six months, the sham of a wedding. She married some hotshot movie star, I forget the guy’s name,” the cab driver said in a gossipy tone. “Personally I think the whole thing was a promotional stunt.”
My chest loosened a tad.
The cab driver, who apparently didn’t know brakes were standard in all motor vehicles, pulled over at the curb at LAX. He got out to help me with my luggage probably because I tipped him so generously. At my back a horde of people were gathered, most holding mobiles and stepping up on their tiptoes trying to see something.
The cab driver turned to see the commotion I was eyeing. The crowd parted slightly and I just spied a black limousine as bodyguards pushed the people back.
“Well, speaking of the devil,” the cab driver said with a delighted grin. “I bet that’s Dahlia in there now. She just had a tour here in LA.”
“She’s not the devil,” I said flatly. “Believe me. I know.”
I threw my eyes up looking toward the sky. That’s not funny, God, I thought. I’d been back in the real world for only an hour and already God was tempting me with people I couldn’t have. No wonder I locked myself away for almost two decades.
“Put that back,” I said to Billy, pointing to the suitcase. “You’re driving me to Oregon.” I then turned and got back in the car.
The cab driver slipped into the driver’s seat, a confused expression marking his brow. “What? That’s like a twelve-hour drive.”
I slipped down low, obscuring my face. Besides small wrinkles and the red goatee I’d acquired, I looked the same as when I was with Dahlia. Same spiked hairstyle. Same cut of suit. She’d recognize me for sure. I couldn’t chance her seeing me. I knew after that last night in London that I could never see her in person again. That’s why I locked up my flat and went to Paris. I would always take Dahlia back. And I would love her and lose her. It was the way of things. My parents had proven that Middlings and Dream Travelers didn’t belong together. In my world there were no happy endings. “I’ll make it worth your while,” I said to the driver. “Just get me the hell out of here, Larry.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
April 2015 - Present Day
The project in Oregon took six months and although I almost died, from both physical threats and annoyance, I ended up being victorious. My first agent assignment had gone better than anyone at the Institute could have hoped for. And when it was all over, I almost considered staying in Oregon. As much as I hated to admit it, the people hadn’t totally repulsed me. And the weather was cold. It rained too much. And the locals wore enough layers that usually their repugnant faces were partially covered. But Oregon had something that I couldn’t stand. Trees. And a bloody lot of them. Trees every fucking where. Trees with leaves that crackled underfoot. Trees with needles that chimed all bloody night. Trees that were home to pesky rodents and noisy birds. Trees that obstructed views. Trees with branches so large they could break in a strong wind and impale a person, killing them. Taking them away forever.
In Oregon I met and fought people as despicable as Chase. People who sought to destroy their children because they posed a threat to their political power. I worked to bring down these people who murdered their own family members and thought genocide was justifiable. If I had any spirit left then it would have been broken in Oregon. This all confirmed for me what I always thought: people are inherently awful. I’m not judging. I’m not pointing fingers. I’m one of these horrendous people. I’ve been asked numerous times what makes me so bad-tempered. People want a reason for everything but sometimes there isn’t one. I was just born bad. Corrupt. Like most of the population. And what was the use fighting all these losing battles anymore?
For eighteen bloody years I worked tirelessly to prevent disasters. I worked to stop bad guys, but it never really made a difference. Maybe we were all just better off letting the world go to shit. Although my first rogue agent case went successfully, as I knew it would, it also confirmed that there wasn’t any real point in saving the world anymore. There wasn’t a fucking point in anything. I loved the people I couldn’t have. The ones I could have, deceived me. And I was one of the most powerful men in the world, but I couldn’t save people who had mattered most to me.
I’ve never tried to make sense of my life, but now I’m giving up on it. Maybe in my genius mind I thought one day everything would figure itself out. That things would actually mean something to me, but for all my trying I’ve come up short.
Life. Is. Meaningless.
I live without consequence. If I die, it will matter very little. If I’m good it only has a small effect on the world around me. If I’m bad then I rip lives apart, creating a rippling effect for generations. Maybe I’ve spent too many y
ears as a bad guy to appreciate the phony balance in the world. Maybe I’ve spent too many years around bad guys to see they weren’t the majority. They sure feel like it.
One of those bad people was Lyza. She had lied to gain status within this society in Oregon and as fate would have it, our paths crossed. My sister hadn’t forgotten what I’d done to her all those years ago. I had lied to the church’s therapist, telling him I was afraid she’d molest me. And I’d told the truth about her, breaking her engagement with Chase. And she was still pretty bitter about all that and more. Lyza sought her revenge on me in Oregon. She had me abducted, tortured, and imprisoned. My own sister. Is it any wonder that I’m giving up on humanity at this stage in my life?
Lyza wasn’t successful at killing me though. I’m not going to go into the assorted details of what happened in Oregon or what transpired between my sister and me. The important part of that history is that I got away. That story is not one I want to share with you, mostly because I became a little soft during my time in Oregon. I still shiver thinking about it. Maybe that history is written in another book, but not this one. Go and find that story for yourself if you’re really interested. And if you don’t like that I’m not divulging the story to you here, well, you know me well enough as your storyteller to know I don’t bloody give a damn. Fucking sue me.
Here’s what I will say. It was what Lyza did to me and what I witnessed in Oregon that finally broke me. It’s what made me finally decide to quit fucking caring. Being almost murdered by my soulless sister and watching a dictator try and lobotomize his people is why I’m here presently about to embark on a new life. I have lived my life before this as many different types of characters. And now I’m about to start a new chapter in my life. At the age of forty-five I’ve decided to start over. Today is the first day of the end of my old life.
***
As requested, I dream traveled to meet Trey in our usual location. We met in our familiar meeting location, Sanga in Nepal. Specifically for all these years we’ve met at a spot near the largest statue of Shiva in the world. Even when we were both at the Institute we preferred to have our dream travel meetings in this place. First, Trey had suggested it to get me out a bit. I didn’t care for the worshippers I saw there in physical form or the green rolling hills around it, but over time the one-hundred-forty-three-foot statue compelled me in an odd way. I guess I was intrigued that a religion of people had created such a beautiful monstrosity to idolize their god. Christians had done it. Buddhists had done it. Hell, every religion did it and it continued to astound me. Religion on the whole continued to elude me, although I realized that God was overhead probably having a field day with the things he was going to do to me when my time came.
I park myself on a step ten down from Shiva. Trey appears a minute later and stands staring at the statue with a quiet reverence. He then takes the spot next to me. Trey respects things. Gods. People. Ideas. I’ll never understand him. Ever. He is a complete anomaly to me in his totally forgiving and patient nature. And yet, I respect and trust him. There is something about Trey Underwood that is innately good. Some people are good because that’s what’s expected of people in modern society. Some people are good because they’ve been conditioned to be so. Most are good because they don’t want to be punished. And then there are the few who are that way because it’s who they really are. Trey is purely good and born that way, just as I was born the opposite way.
“Nice work on your last project,” Trey begins. “I have anoth—”
“Stop, Trey,” I say, cutting him off. “I’m done.”
He turns and looks at me for a few seconds. I can tell he is trying to explain away what I’ve just said. Rationalize it into what it doesn’t really mean. “What do you mean, you’re done?” he asks in his always calm tone.
“Oh, blimey, of all people I was certain you had a concrete working of the English language,” I say, throwing my hands in the air. “Done. Finished. Retired. You’re familiar with those words, am I right?”
“Retired?” Trey says with a gaping look of disbelief.
I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but now it almost feels hard, like I’m not sure I can go through with it. But that would make me a weakling. Those kinds of people can’t follow through when things get tough and I’m many detestable things, but I’m no weakling.
“That’s right,” I chirp. “That was my last job. I don’t want a gold watch or a crummy retirement party with a gaudy cake. All I want is for you not to expect me to fight all these bad guys for you. I’m done.”
“But Ren—”
“Hey, I’d say we could still be pals and meet up to go fly fishing, but we both know that I’ll stand you up each and every time,” I say. “Instead, why don’t you call me on the weekends and I’ll let it go to voicemail. Then I’ll return your call a few months later when I’m in a busy airport and can’t really hear you very well. We’ll stay connected, I promise.”
He shakes his head, his once blond hair, now silver, has grown out in the few months since the last time I saw him. “No, Ren, you can’t quit. There’s bad people out there. People you can stop. Lives you can save.”
What Trey forgets or doesn’t want to admit is that I’m one of those bad guys. At least I used to be. I don’t remind him of this; instead I blow out a frustrated sigh. “Oh, Trey, there’s always going to be bad guys to stop, don’t you get that? What we do matters so little.”
“How can you say that after everything you’ve done?” he says, pinning his elbows on his knees and leaning forward more.
“Because, Trey, I’m tired. Tired of fighting what increasingly feels like a never-ending battle. People keep breeding. They keep putting bad people in society. And I’ve got to drain my reserves to stop them from doing something that at the end of the day matters very little. Hell, even if I save these people who are potentially in danger then some natural disaster will take them out. Or some disease. Don’t you get that we only have one life and we’re wasting it helping people who don’t even know we exist?”
Trey seems to consider what I’ve said with a thoughtful look. “I thought after your last assignment you’d have softened some of this cynicism,” he finally says.
“Well, you’re wrong, old buddy. Getting abducted by my big sister only preserved my cynical nature. But at the end of the day, this assignment was my best work and also my last bit of charity. I’m going out on an up note.”
“But Ren, there’s so much you could do. You have at least half a century left in you.”
I stare off into a corner of Nepal in the distance. I’m feeling on the brink of having a moment. Hell, for the last few months I felt that way, like everything is coming to a pivotal point. I push the feeling away. “Don’t you get tired of watching the news reports?” I say. “Don’t you tire of seeing the death that keeps pouring in? Sometimes we step in and stop the plane from taking off and sometimes we fail and people tumble to the earth. Don’t you sometimes want to just forget about the future? Just live in the now?” I say.
“This doesn’t really sound like you, Ren.”
“Well, I don’t really feel like myself anymore,” I finally admit.
“And no, I can’t just forget that I can know the future. That I can stop it. How can I forget the capabilities of the Institute and the lives I can save with that knowledge? How do you expect to?” Trey says, his eyes hard.
“I’ve got some ideas,” I say with an indulgent grin.
Trey, who is supremely good at ignoring my bad behavior, shakes his head. “Ren, there’s a terrorist group who is planning a series of explosions. They call themselves Group X. Thousands will be killed and maimed and you could stop them. That’s the job I wanted you for next because you may actually be the only one who can stop this. We need someone to infiltrate their headquarters and get into their heads. Stop the propaganda they’re sending to their guerrillas. And you are the only one I know with the experience to do this job. If
you walk away from this job then these people will die. Retire if you want, but do this last job. Please,” he says, almost pleading.
“There will always be more jobs, Trey. There’s never a good time to quit a job. Don’t you get that?”
“If you quit now then thousands will die!” he says and his voice actually rises. I’ve rarely heard him do that and it was always for a good reason.
I regard him for a long time. I can just get in his head and make him leave me alone but I don’t do that to people anymore and I never did it to anyone I respected. Trey is one of a few people who I admire and besides he can probably resist my mind control.
I shake my head. “I guess thousands are going to die then,” I say in a hoarse whisper.
“You can’t be serious?”
“When have you ever known me to joke?” I say dryly. “I’m done, Trey. But because I’m such a kind soul I won’t leave you high and dry. I’ve got an idea for how you can deal with this terrorist situation.”
He blinks at me. “What’s that?”
“Call the fucking cops,” I say. “This is their bloody job, after all.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Just like when I arrived in London the first time, I dream travel to a GAD-C and generate my body. Again I have only the clothes on my back. This time I have a modest bank account, instead of an overflowing one, and a key in my pocket. I step onto the curb next to Piccadilly Street. Automobile fumes waft through the air. People jostle past me, invading my personal space and invading my mind with their repugnant thoughts. And loud noises echo from too many places.