Gwen led the way through to the alley. A soft breeze blew around them as they climbed the stairs. They’d cleaned Pearl’s place, but she would soon discover that home wasn’t what it used to be.
Pearl drew the key from the letter box and Gwen put a hand on her arm. ‘Before you go in, love, there’s something I should tell you. A few bits and pieces got broken while you was away.’
Pearl stood upright, the key dangling from her fingers. ‘Did you say broken?’
‘Thought I’d mention it to soften the shock.’
Pearl unlocked the door and a musty smell came out. Gwen wrinkled her nose. She’d left the sash open a few inches in the kitchen but being shut up hadn’t done the place any favours.
Gwen put the bag on the kitchen table.
‘Where’s the Morrison?’ Pearl asked. ‘Did Jim put this one back?’
‘Not exactly, ducks. Me and Fitz did it.’
‘You did? But why?’
As Gwen was thinking how to put Jim’s actions in a kinder way, Pearl went to the window.
‘And where’s me yellow curtains gone?’ She looked round, walking slowly to the blue cupboard, running her hands along the empty shelves. ‘And my china, the cups and saucers and plates . . .’ She turned and rushed into the front room.
Gwen waited, knowing she would be staring at the bare mantel. There was a big chip missing in the two halves of the ash tray that Fitz had stuck together. The wind-up gramophone was stacked in pieces in the hearth. Then there was the maple bookcase, which wouldn’t hold any more books until Fitz could mend the shelves. And what about all those little pink jars that had gone from the dressing table?
Gwen sighed as she heard the soft movement from room to room. Sitting down heavily in one of the two kitchen chairs, she continued to wait.
After a while, Pearl came in. Under her thin, worn coat, her shoulders drooped. ‘What happened?’ She sank down on the other chair, leaning her elbows on the table.
‘It was the night you went away,’ said Gwen carefully. ‘Fitz heard a commotion, thought it was the family across the road or even a V2. Then he saw your light on and thought it was burglars. So he took his bat and went up, but it was Jim. He’d had one bevy too many and caused a right old stink.’
‘He broke it all?’
‘Yes, ’fraid so.’
‘But why would he do that?’
‘You’ll know the answer to that, my love.’
Pearl sat in silence.
‘Accidentally, Fitz caught him with the bat,’ Gwen continued as Pearl stared around the kitchen. ‘So we carried him down to our place. I mean, we couldn’t leave him here, out stone-cold on the floor. He slept the night on the couch but in the morning . . .’ Gwen lifted her shoulders, ‘he went.’
‘Where to?’
‘Percy’s yard, no doubt.’ Gwen patted her hand. ‘I ’spect it’s just a bit of a tiff, ain’t it?’
Pearl shook her head slowly. ‘He didn’t want me to go to Abingley.’
‘Why was that?’
Pearl put her head in her hands. ‘Because of Ricky.’
Gwen folded her arms. ‘It ain’t my place to say, but I just couldn’t warm to that man.’
‘I shouldn’t have let him come here. I didn’t have the courage to refuse. I wish I had, as he’s left her now.’
‘What, after losing the baby?’
‘Yes.’
‘Oh, the bugger!’
Just then Fitz came in with Cynthia.
‘At least Jim left her room,’ said Gwen as she tickled Cynthia’s chin and made her giggle. ‘Me and Fitz had a good clear-up. It ain’t half as bad as it was. I can let you have a few bits of china, and the saucepans are only dented. Fitz tried to mend the ashtray but he ain’t done a very good job.’
‘It was only cheap, but thanks all the same.’ Pearl gave Cynthia a pat on the bottom. ‘Run along and see all your toys.’
Cynthia scampered off and Pearl sighed. ‘Oh, Gwen, I wish I’d never gone to Abingley. Jim was right. My place was here.’
‘I’m sorry for your sister’s loss,’ said Gwen stiffly, ‘but you have a family of your own.’
‘Percy says your Jim is kipping at the yard,’ Fitz said quietly.
‘I’ll go to him, then.’
‘Do you think that’s wise?’ asked Gwen hesitantly.
‘I’ve got to see him.’
‘You know best, ducks.’
Fitz handed Pearl his handkerchief and Gwen got up and kissed the top of her head. Pearl was like a daughter to her. The daughter she’d never had. If that silly sod Jim didn’t appreciate her worth, then he was a fool. He of all people should know that no jealousies should be allowed to cause such heartache. Wasn’t that what he had been away fighting for – a new life, free of tyranny, with the chance to make a fresh start?
It was an overcast day in the middle of May, with thunder rolling in the distance and Jim was working in the stable. He’d got himself a rough bed rigged up over the old horse’s quarters, in the hay loft above. As soon as he finished work in the yard he’d be off down to the Nelson. Last night he’d stumbled home early, out of readies and still with a thirst on him. His leg ached and he’d used his stick to alleviate the pain. And climbing the ladder up to his bed, he’d missed a rung and fallen. By the time he’d finally hauled himself up, he was stone-cold sober.
He’d lain awake for hours and then came the dreams. The dry, barren desert and the dust in his throat. The Italian hill and the ravaged monastery. Reg’s face, as clear as if it was happening all over again. That moment when he stuck a roll-up between his lips and he’d said his last goodbye. Then he was running towards his outfit, waving his arms, trying to warn them the footbridge was mined. He couldn’t run fast enough, his pack and rifle were slowing him down. And then the mortar tore into his hip, just as it had on the battlefield. His mates sailing high in the sky, limbs falling like bloody confetti.
Jim wiped the sweat from his face and neck with a dirty rag. A clap of thunder broke overhead. It had been stormy all week and Barney shuffled uneasily, as a bright flash lit the stable. Jim gave him a gentle pat. The slow munching calmed him, as did the smell of the dung and old straw littered with flies. Another clap of thunder rumbled. Jim turned round to close the stable doors and found his wife standing there.
‘Christ, you made me jump!’
‘Hello, Jim.’ She looked smaller, somehow, and the pain of separation filled him.
‘Where’s Cynth?’ he barked.
‘With Gwen. Jim, I’m sorry I went away.’
He felt the anger in his chest. ‘It was a big comfort seeing a bit of paper there in me wife and daughter’s place,’ he snarled before he could stop himself. This was what he was afraid of: his emotions spilling over, more than he could control.
She walked slowly towards him and he turned his back to lift the bridle from the peg.
Her voice was very small behind him. ‘Ruby’s lost her baby and Ricky’s left her. You were right, Jim. All along you were right.’
His fingers tightened around the leather. He spun round to stare at her. ‘Bit late to be saying that, ain’t it?’
‘I thought I should be with Ruby. She could have died.’
‘And what about us? We’ve had to go through a war.’ He held out his hands. ‘I asked you a question and you never answered me. Don’t you think you owed me the truth?’
‘Jim, I did nothing to deceive you. I swear it. I never meant to hurt you.’
‘And you think you haven’t?’ He angrily threw aside the bridle. ‘I’d rather go back to the front than go through the torture of thinking what went on between you and him.’
‘Nothing went on, Jim, honest to God, not since we’ve been married. It was years ago at the club, and over in a few months. I should have known better but I was young.’ She held her hands over her face. ‘Oh, Jim, I’m so sorry.’
He shook his disbelieving head. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I was ash
amed.’
‘But, Christ, Pearl, I’m your husband.’
‘Yes, but I was scared of losing you.’
He gritted his teeth so hard he couldn’t swallow. ‘I was crazy about you at the club. Was you seeing him then?’
She nodded, hanging her head. ‘He didn’t want me to tell anyone and I didn’t.’
‘Just like Gladys.’
She raised her eyes, full of tears. ‘More like Gladys than you think.’
It was a few seconds before the penny dropped. His mouth fell open. ‘You didn’t . . . you weren’t—’
The tears ran down her cheeks. ‘I lost it.’
He couldn’t believe the things he was hearing. ‘I don’t understand,’ he mumbled, shaking his head. ‘I told you all about Danny and Gladys, I warned you of Winters, but you must have known all along after what he did to you. But the next minute you let him come and live in my gaff? What in heaven’s name possessed you?’
She moved forward, clutching his arm. ‘Ruby said they had nowhere to go—’
‘And as usual, you did as she wanted.’ He pushed her away. ‘And you think by telling me now, it makes us all right?’
‘Give me another chance, Jim.’
But all he could feel was emptiness. As he stared down into the face that he had once loved so much, he didn’t recognize her. ‘I’ve been going half barmy thinking about you and him together. I cared for you more than any other person on God’s earth. Yet when you married me, you never said a dickybird. Do you expect me to believe it was all innocence while I was away?’
‘It was, I swear it.’
Jim felt a hand on his shoulder. ‘Leave her be now, lad.’ Percy pulled him back. ‘Calm down.’
He stood, dazed, in Percy’s firm grip. He felt nothing but hate and anger. Without a word, he pushed past the old man and made his way to the Nelson, shuddering with rage.
‘He’ll cool off, love.’ Percy scratched his head. Females, especially of the weeping variety, weren’t his line of country. His old mum had never shed a tear, had been like a bloke, a real East End tough nut. She could muck out a stable as good as any feller and knew all the ins and outs of the rag-and-bone trade, same as his dad did. He’d once seen her lay out a six-foot drunk with a kick to his balls that even old Barney couldn’t equal. Now, if there’d been another like her along his life’s path, he’d have put a ring on her finger. But he’d not had the luck and he was quite content to be a loner. However, he liked this little lass. She was half tidy compared to some of the floozies he’d seen on his rounds throughout the war. Some poor buggers didn’t know the half of what they got up to when they came back from service.
‘Give him a day or two to kick his heels,’ he said as he wrapped his arms around her. ‘He’s a proud man, is our Jim.’
‘There’s no excuse for what I did,’ she whispered.
‘We all make mistakes.’
‘Yes, but we don’t keep on making the same one.’
‘If I was you, I’d go home to your nipper.’
‘It’s not home without Jim.’
Percy waved his hand dismissively. ‘Listen, whatever it is you’ve done, it ain’t half as bad as what yer think. Take it from me, gel. I’ve lived all me life round these parts. I’ve heard stories from dock dollies with tongues like Irish navvies that would turn your hair white. I’ve watched blokes sell their wives for a pint of ale and I’ve been offered the comfort of a nice warm bed in exchange for the rags orf me cart. But you, love, whatever you think you’ve done, you’re an angel compared.’
She clenched her hands. ‘Jim don’t think so.’
‘You and I know he’ll not solve his grieving with the drink,’ Percy reasoned gently. ‘Grieving is what the man is really doing. The war took a lot away from ’im, like it did a lot of blokes. They come home not knowing who they really are. They’ve seen killin’ and ’ave killed. Those memories don’t leave much of a soft spot in a man’s soul. He needs a good missus to bring him through. And in his heart he knows that.’
‘Do you really think so?’
‘No doubt about it. And when Jim comes to his senses he’ll be big enough to come home. Now you better hop off afore them clouds open up.’
He watched her walk out, a slip of a girl. Jim had a devil inside him to behave as he did. Should he go after him and try to talk reason? But no one ever spoke louder than the demon drink. Whatever it was that ailed him, he wasn’t to be reasoned with.
Percy, feeling his age with vengeance, rose to his feet and went to feed Barney instead.
Pearl tried to go on as normal. She wrote to her parents and enclosed a note for Ruby, though she only got a short one back from Amy, saying she was still very worried about Ruby. The detective had called, but with no further news to share.
Gwen brought up some china and Fitz distempered the damp patch in the kitchen. Percy arrived with an old radiogram, a relic of the Blitz, but it had a wireless and turntable that operated. Everyone made a fuss of Cynthia. She missed her daddy.
Despite her troubles, Pearl listened with sympathy to the plight of the German people. They were said to be hungry and crushed, and many of their leaders were expected to stand trial for war crimes. Meanwhile politicians worldwide were competing for recognition in the new world order. It was only Japan who was determined to continue the war, refusing to make peace with the Allies.
Three weeks after Pearl’s visit to the yard, Jim arrived one Sunday morning. For a moment Pearl’s heart leaped as she saw him standing on the landing. Had Percy been right when he said Jim would finally come home? But in a few words he crushed all her hope. ‘Thought I’d take Cynth over to Mum’s,’ he said as Cynthia ran into his arms.
Pearl looked into his thin face. Though he looked clean and was dressed in a white shirt, the shadows under his eyes were dark.
‘Don’t know when we’ll be back.’
‘Take her coat as it might get chilly.’
As she gave him the coat, their fingers touched. Pearl felt a deep sense of longing. They had once been so close. She kissed Cynthia goodbye and watched them leave. Cynthia was all smiles at seeing her daddy.
Pearl got out her duster and broom and tied on her pinny. She pushed the broom round and round the kitchen, her tears falling onto the handle as she went.
It was late when Jim brought Cynthia home.
Pearl stood on the landing as Jim refused to come in.
‘Will you come next Sunday?’ she asked, and he nodded.
‘Cheerio,’ he said, and winked at Cynthia.
They watched him go down the stairs. He was limping again and Pearl knew he was in pain.
‘Did you have a nice time at Granny’s?’ she asked her little girl. But Cynthia couldn’t wait to see her toys. Pearl knew by her response that her granny’s opinion of children being seen and not heard hadn’t changed.
Jim was true to his word. He called again the next week, but this time he left his wages on the table. As the rent, gas and electric had to be paid, Pearl took it without comment. The next Sunday arrived and the next, and Cynthia was happier now she could spend the day with Jim.
At the beginning of August, a letter came from Abingley. Pearl was disappointed to see it was only a page. Amy said that she had found Ruby one morning with an aspirin bottle. Syd had been very angry and Amy distraught. Ruby had confessed she had thought about doing something silly.
Pearl felt sick when she read this, wondering if Ruby really had tried to end her life. Was she capable of doing what Gladys had done?
Syd had made Ruby promise not to cause herself harm. It had been very distressing for them all. Her mother wrote a postscript telling Pearl not to worry, and that Ruby had asked them not to tell Pearl.
Pearl felt the tears threaten in her eyes. Jim had warned her this might happen. If only she had listened to him that first day of their honeymoon. If only she’d had the courage to tell him the truth. Jim might have forgiven her, and Ruby might never have fallen in love with a m
onster.
A few days later, Mr Clement Attlee, England’s new Labour prime minister, released a statement to the country. By executive order of President Truman, two atomic bombs had been dropped on the Japanese cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. This devastating weapon had killed thousands and thousands of people, injuring and maiming many others. Pearl was shocked to hear that it was both British and American scientists who had created this weapon of destruction. It was said there was a huge mushroom cloud in the sky full of radiation. The victims who had survived were so badly burned they couldn’t be recognized.
‘Japan has surrendered, the last of our enemies has been laid low,’ said Attlee triumphantly.
‘God help them poor people,’ Gwen murmured as Pearl and Cynthia stood in the packed shop. It was Tuesday morning, the day before VJ day. King George had announced that the return of peace was to be honoured by a two-day holiday.
‘Don’t much feel like a party,’ admitted Gwen.
‘Them Japs have been like animals to our blokes, worse than the Jerries,’ retorted a small woman filling her shopping basket. ‘They deserve their punishment.’
‘But two whole cities were destroyed,’ said Pearl.
‘My cousin’s boy was out east. He got tortured in a POW camp and he’s half barmy. Won’t never be the same again.’
‘I’m sorry,’ said Pearl, ‘but I don’t feel like waving flags for the deaths of innocent women and children.’
‘Winnie said the Germans had the atom bomb as well and it was by God’s mercy that we let it off first,’ another commented.
As the argument grew more heated, Pearl placed the small slice of cheese that Gwen had saved for Cynth, in her basket. Cheese was Cynth’s favourite but it was even harder to obtain now than at the beginning of the war. When she returned to the conversation the topic was politics.
‘Winnie’s gone now,’ said a man. ‘Attlee’s top dog. That is, until the people get tired of him too.’
Gwen smiled. ‘You ain’t in favour of Labour then?’
He shrugged. ‘They’re all the same to me.’
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