3. Perpetual. Ingrid and Gary are engaged in a metacommunication war. This means that they aren’t having difficulty communicating about a certain issue, they’re having difficulty communicating about how to communicate. This is not related to a specific situation but is present whenever they have a disagreement.
4. Solvable. Helena and Jonathan can resolve this issue in a number of ways. Perhaps they could switch off weekly between dancing class and Helena’s girls’ night out. Or maybe her friends would be willing to switch the night. Or Jonathan could find another dancing class on another night or on the weekend. Or one of them could simply agree not to push it.
5. Solvable. Roger just needs to spend more time with his son so he can get up to speed on his care. And Penny needs to back off and let Roger approach baby care his way. Because this issue isn’t related to deep-seated needs either of them has, it can be readily solved through compromise.
6. Perpetual. This problem probably started out as a situational one about housecleaning and organization. Perhaps Jim and Thea have different tolerance levels for clutter, dirt, and how planned out one’s life should be. But because they haven’t found a compromise position about running their house, they have continued to argue about these differences. Thea has come to feel her husband doesn’t value or respect her role, while he feels that she’s not holding up her end of the marriage by keeping the household well organized. The argument has become about their mutual resentment rather than about housekeeping.
7. Perpetual. Brian and Allyssa have different emotional styles. He tends to be volatile, meaning that he’s very passionate and “out there” with his emotions. Allyssa prefers to discuss issues quietly and rationally. When Brian starts yelling at her, she feels overwhelmed and quickly becomes flooded. Since emotional style is part of one’s personality, neither of them is likely to change. But by becoming aware of and respecting each other’s emotional style, they can find an approach to conflict resolution they are both comfortable with.
8. Perpetual. At the core Irene and Kurt have different emotional needs. The huge change in their marriage that was created by their child’s birth has thrown what they need from each other out of sync.
9. Solvable. Oscar and Mary may have different philosophies about savings. But their conflict over money doesn’t appear to be symbolic. Instead, it’s a straightforward difference of opinion about what to do with Oscar’s inheritance. For that reason, they could probably find a straightforward compromise. Perhaps, for example, they could spend half of the amount on equipment and save the rest.
10. Perpetual. Money has very different meanings to Bert and Anita. Since the symbolic significance of money is usually rooted in childhood experiences, it’s unlikely that Bert will naturally transform into a big tipper or that Anita will suddenly learn to love clipping coupons. But if they work together on this perpetual problem (and especially Anita’s contempt for her husband about this issue), it will cease to be a major sore spot in their relationship.
Assessing Your Marital Conflicts
Questionnaire
Now that you have a greater understanding of the differences between solvable and perpetual problems, it’s time to categorize your own marital issues in this way. By doing so you’ll know which strategies to use to cope with them. Below is a list of seventeen common causes of conflict in a marriage. For each, mark whether it is a perpetual problem in your marriage, a solvable problem for you, or not a problem right now. If it is either a solvable or a perpetual problem, check all of the specific subareas that you think are currently troublesome.
1. We are becoming emotionally distant.
Perpetual ____Solvable ____Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ We have difficulty just simply talking to each other.
__ We are staying emotionally in touch with each other less.
__ I feel taken for granted.
__ I feel my spouse doesn’t know me right now.
__ My spouse is (or I am) emotionally disengaged.
__ We spend less time together.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
2. There is spillover of nonmarital stresses (such as job tension) into our marriage.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ We don’t always help each other reduce daily stresses.
__ We don’t talk about these stresses together.
__ We don’t talk together about stress in a helpful manner.
__ My spouse doesn’t listen with understanding about my stresses and worries.
__ My spouse takes job or other stresses out on me.
__ My spouse takes job or other stresses out on the children or others.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
3. Our marriage is becoming nonromantic and passionless; the fire is dying.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ My spouse has stopped being verbally affectionate.
__ My spouse expresses love or admiration less frequently.
__ We rarely touch each other.
__ My spouse (or I) have stopped feeling very romantic.
__ We rarely cuddle.
__ We have few tender or passionate moments.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
4. We are having problems in our sex life.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ Sex is less frequent.
__ I (or my spouse) get less satisfaction from sex.
__ We have problems talking about sexual problems.
__ Each of us wants different things sexually.
__ Desire is less than it once was.
__ Our lovemaking feels less loving.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
5. Our marriage is not dealing well with an important change (such as the birth of a child, a job loss, move, illness, or death of a loved one).
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ We have very different views on how to handle things.
__ This event has led my partner to be very distant.
__ This event has made us both irritable.
__ This event has led to a lot of fighting.
__ I’m worried about how this will all turn out.
__ We are now taking very different positions.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
6. Our marriage is not handling well a major issue about children. (This category includes whether to have a child.)
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ We have very differen
t goals for our children.
__ We differ on what to discipline children for.
__ We differ on how to discipline our children.
__ We have issues on how to be close to our kids.
__ We are not talking about these problems well.
__ There is much tension and anger about these differences.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
7. Our marriage is not handling well a major issue or event concerning in-laws or another relative(s).
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ I feel unaccepted by my partner’s family.
__ I sometimes wonder which family my spouse is in.
__ I feel unaccepted by my own family.
__ There is tension between us about what might happen.
__ This issue has generated a lot of irritability.
__ I worry about how this will turn out.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
8. One of us is flirtatious outside the marriage, or may have had a recent affair, and/or there is jealousy.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ This area is the source of a lot of hurt.
__ This is an area that creates insecurity.
__ I can’t deal with the lies.
__ It is hard to reestablish trust.
__ There is a feeling of betrayal.
__ It’s hard to know how to heal over this.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
9. Unpleasant fights have occurred between us.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ There are more fights now.
__ Fights seem to come out of nowhere.
__ Anger and irritability have crept into our marriage.
__ We get into muddles where we are hurting each other.
__ I don’t feel very respected lately.
__ I feel criticized.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
10. We have differences in our basic goals and values or desired lifestyle.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ Differences have arisen in life goals.
__ Differences have arisen about important beliefs.
__ Differences have arisen on leisure time interests.
__ We seem to want different things out of life.
__ We are growing in different directions.
__ I don’t much like who I am with my partner.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
11. Very disturbing events (for example, violence, drugs, an affair) have occurred within our marriage.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ There has been physical violence between us.
__ There is a problem with alcohol or drugs.
__ This is turning into a marriage I hadn’t bargained for.
__ Our marriage “contract” is changing.
__ I find some of what my partner wants upsetting or repulsive.
__ I am now feeling somewhat disappointed by this marriage.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
12. We are not working well as a team.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ We used to share more of the family’s workload.
__ We seem to be pulling in opposite directions.
__ My spouse does not fairly share in housework or child care.
__ My spouse is not carrying his or her weight financially.
__ I feel alone managing this family.
__ My spouse is not being very considerate.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
13. We are having trouble sharing power and influence.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ I don’t feel influential in decisions we make.
__ My spouse has become more domineering.
__ I have become more demanding.
__ My spouse has become passive.
__ My spouse is “spacey,” not a strong force in our marriage.
__ I am starting to care a lot more about who is running things.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
14. We are having trouble handling financial issues well.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ One of us doesn’t bring in enough money.
__ We have differences about how to spend money.
__ We are stressed about finances.
__ My spouse is financially more interested in self than in us.
__ We are not united in managing our finances.
__ There is not enough financial planning.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
15. We are not having much fun together these days.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ We don’t seem to have much time for fun.
__ We try but don’t seem to enjoy our times together very much.
__ We are too stressed for fun.
__ Work takes up all our time these days.
__ Our interests are so different, there are no fun things we like to do together.
__ We plan fun things to do, but they never happen.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
16. We are not feeling close about spiritual issues these days.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ We do not share the same beliefs.
__ We do not agree about religious ideas and values.
__ We differ about the specific church, mosque, or synagogue.
__ We do not communicate well about spiritual issues.
__ We have issues about spiritual growth and change.
__ We have spiritual issues involving family or children.
Comments:
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
___________________________________________________
17. We are having conflict(s) about being a part of and building community together.
Perpetual ____ Solvable ____ Not a problem right now ____
Check any of the specific items below that are problems within this general area:
__ We feel differently about being involved with friends and other people or groups.
__ We don’t care to the same degree about the institutions that build community.
__ We have different opinions about putting time into the institutions of community (political party, school, hospital, church, mosque, synagogue, agencies, and the like).
__ We disagree about doing projects or working for charity.
__ We disagree about doing other good deeds for others.
__ We have different views about whether to take a leadership role in the service of our community.
Scoring: For each of the seventeen general areas that cause you problems, count up the number of specific bones of contention that you’ve checked. If you’ve checked more than two, then this is an area of significant conflict in your marriage. For solvable problems, you’ll find advice in Chapter 8. But if some of your problems are perpetual, follow the advice in Chapter 10 as well. No doubt you’ll find that your marriage, like most, is coping with both types of problems.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Page 15