STEP 1: SOFTEN YOUR STARTUP
If there’s one similarity between happy and unhappy marriages, it’s that in both circumstances the wife is far more likely than the husband to bring up a touchy issue and to push to resolve it. But there’s a dramatic difference in how the wife brings it up. Remember Dara, who lit into her husband, Oliver, as soon as they began discussing housework? Within a minute she was being sarcastic and batting down every suggestion he made: “Do you think you really work well with lists?” and “I think you do a pretty good job of coming home and lying around and disappearing into the bathroom.”
Compare Dara’s harsh approach with that of Justine, who is happily married to Michael but has the same problem: He doesn’t do his share around the house. What bugs her the most is that she always ends up folding the laundry, which she hates. Here’s what she says in the Love Lab, when she broaches the topic with Michael.
JUSTINE: Okay (deep breath). Housework.
MICHAEL: Yeah. Well, I mean I definitely clean off the counters in the kitchen and the table whenever we do stuff. (Defensive)
JUSTINE: Hm-hmm. You do. (Repair attempt)
MICHAEL: Hm-hmm. (He’s relaxed; Justine’s repair attempt was successful.)
JUSTINE: I think it’s just, like, sometimes when things are just kind of left, or the laundry just piles up . . . (Softened startup)
MICHAEL: Yeah. I haven’t even been thinking about laundry (laughs). I mean, I just haven’t been thinking about it at all. (Not defensive)
JUSTINE (laughs): That’s kind of cute. Who do you think’s doing it? You keep having clothes to wear.
MICHAEL: Yeah, I guess.
JUSTINE: And maybe that’s okay. But it just gets to me after a while.
MICHAEL: Well, it hasn’t even crossed my mind that, like, we have to do the laundry. (Chuckles.)
JUSTINE: Actually, Tim’s been folding them. (A neighbor in their apartment complex—the washer and dryer are in a communal laundry room.) I left a load in, and then when I passed by, the sheets were folded.
MICHAEL: Maybe we should put our hamper in his room?
JUSTINE (laughs). (Shared humor deescalates tension and lowers heart rates.)
MICHAEL: So, okay, like maybe every other day or something when I first get back home from work . . .
JUSTINE: Yeah, you could fold what makes sense, especially towels and underwear and the sheets. . . .
MICHAEL: Yeah, I’ll just look in the basket. (He is accepting her influence.)
JUSTINE: Okay.
Perhaps the most important quality of this exchange is the virtual absence of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—those hallmarks of marriage-harming conflict. The reason for their absence is that Justine’s startup is soft. In contrast, a harsh startup usually begins the cycle of the four horsemen, which leads to flooding and, in turn, increased emotional distance and loneliness that lets the marriage wither. Only 40 percent of the time do couples divorce because they are having frequent, devastating fights. More often marriages end because, to avoid constant skirmishes, husband and wife distance themselves so much that their friendship and sense of connection are lost.
That’s why it’s so important that when Michael admits that he doesn’t even think about the laundry, Justine doesn’t get critical or contemptuous. She laughs and says she thinks that’s “cute.” Because Justine is gentle with Michael, their conversation actually produces a result: They come up with a plan to resolve the conflict. Since they are able to do this, their discussion leaves them feeling positive about themselves and their marriage. That feeling is “money in the bank” for any couple—it inspires an optimistic attitude that will help them resolve the next conflict that comes along.
In another happy marriage, the big issue is that the wife, Andrea, wants her husband, Dave, to become more involved with the church. But she hardly bangs him over the head with a Bible. Instead she says, “Going to church is not something I need every day. But it’s a comfort.” Then she tells him, “I don’t like you going just because of me.” By the time she tells him directly, “I want a little bit more involvement from you than just Easter, Christmas, and Mother’s Day,” he is ready to compromise. “Okay, I’ll go to church on big important days and . . . maybe some Sundays.”
A soft startup doesn’t necessarily have to be this diplomatic. It just has to be devoid of criticism or contempt. In a healthy, volatile marriage, which can be very confrontational, the wife is more likely to say something like “Hey, I know I can be a slob sometimes myself, but I’m really angry that you walked by the laundry basket last night without stopping to fold any sheets. I didn’t like having to fold them all myself.” Or: “I feel really strongly that we need to go to church together more often. This is very important to me.” These are soft startups because they are direct complaints rather than criticisms or contemptuous accusations.
Softening the startup is crucial to resolving conflicts because, my research finds, discussions invariably end on the same note they begin. That’s why 96 percent of the time I can predict the fate of a conflict discussion in the first three minutes! If you start an argument harshly—meaning you attack your spouse verbally—you’ll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup—meaning you complain but don’t criticize or otherwise attack your spouse—the discussion is likely to be productive. And if most of your arguments start softly, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy.
Although either spouse can be responsible for a harsh startup, we’ve found that the vast majority of the time the culprit is the wife. This is because in our culture the wife is far more likely than her husband to bring up difficult issues and push to get them resolved. Husbands are more likely to try to distance themselves from hard-to-face concerns. As I’ve noted, there are physiological reasons for this gender gap. Men tend to experience flooding much more easily because their bodies are more reactive to emotional stress than their wives’. So they are more inclined to avoid confrontation.
Harsh Startup Questionnaire
To get a sense of whether harsh startup is a problem in your marriage, answer the following questions.
Read each statement and circle T for “true” or F for “false.”
When we begin to discuss our marital issues:
1. My partner is often very critical of me. T F
2. I hate the way my partner raises an issue. T F
3. Arguments often seem to come out of nowhere. T F
4. Before I know it, we are in a fight. T F
5. When my partner complains, I feel picked on. T F
6. I seem to always get blamed for issues. T F
7. My partner is negative all out of proportion. T F
8. I feel I have to ward off personal attacks. T F
9. I often have to deny charges leveled against me. T F
10. My partner’s feelings are too easily hurt. T F
11. What goes wrong is often not my responsibility. T F
12. My spouse criticizes my personality. T F
13. Issues get raised in an insulting manner. T F
14. My partner will at times complain in a smug or superior way. T F
15. I have just about had it with all this negativity between us. T F
16. I feel basically disrespected when my partner complains. T F
17. I just want to leave the scene when complaints arise. T F
18. Our calm is suddenly shattered. T F
19. I find my partner’s negativity unnerving and unsettling. T F
20. I think my partner can be totally irrational. T F
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.
Under 5: This is an area of strength in your marriage. You and your spouse initiate difficult discussions with each other gently—without being critical or contemptuous. Because you avoid being harsh, your chances of resolving your conflict or learning to manage it successfully together are dramat
ically increased.
5 or above: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. Your score suggests that when you address areas of disagreement with your spouse, one of you tends to be harsh. That means you immediately trot out at least one of the four horsemen, which automatically prevents the issue from being resolved.
Although the wife is usually responsible for a harsh startup, the secret to avoiding it is for both of you to work together on the first four principles. Do this, and the wife’s startup softens as a matter of course. So if your spouse tends to raise issues harshly, the best advice I can give is to make sure she (or he) is feeling known, respected, and loved by you, and that you accept her influence. Harsh startup is often a reaction that sets in when a wife feels her husband doesn’t respond to her low-level complaints or irritability. So if you comply with a minor request like “It’s your turn to take out the garbage, please,” you avoid having the situation escalate into “What the hell is wrong with you? Are you deaf? Take out the damn garbage!”
If you are the one most responsible for harsh startups in your relationship, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to the fate of your marriage to soften up. Remember: If you go straight for the jugular, you’re going to draw plenty of blood. The result will be war or retreat on your partner’s part, rather than any kind of meaningful, productive discussion. If you’re angry with your spouse, it’s worth taking a deep breath and thinking through how to broach the subject before leaping in. It will be easier to do this if you constantly remind yourself that by being gentle, you are more likely to resolve the conflict. If you feel too angry to discuss the matter gently, your best option is not to discuss it at all until you’ve calmed down. Follow the steps for self-soothing on page 176 before talking it out with your spouse.
Here are some suggestions to ensure that your startup is soft:
Complain but don’t blame. Let’s assume that you’re angry because your spouse insisted on buying a dog despite your reservations. He swore up and down that he’d clean up after the dog. But now you’re finding poop all over the yard whenever you take out the garbage. It’s certainly okay to complain. You could say something like “Hey, there’s poop all over the backyard. We agreed you’d clean up after Banjo. I’m really upset about this.” While this is confrontational, it’s not an attack. You’re simply complaining about a particular situation, not your partner’s personality or character.
What’s not okay is to say something like “Hey, there’s poop all over the backyard. This is all your fault. I just knew you’d be irresponsible about that dog. I should never have trusted you about it in the first place.” However justified you may feel in blaming your spouse, the bottom line is that this approach is not productive. Even if it does lead your partner to clean up the yard, it also leads to increased tension, resentment, defensiveness, and so on.
Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You.” “I” statements have been a staple of interpersonal psychology ever since the mid-1960s, when acclaimed psychologist Haim Ginott noted that phrases starting with I are usually less likely to be critical and to make the listener defensive than statements starting with you. You can see the difference:
“You are not listening to me,” versus “I would like it if you’d listen to me.”
“You are careless with money,” versus “I want us to save more.”
“You just don’t care about me,” versus “I’m feeling neglected.”
Clearly, the “I” statements above are gentler than their “You” counterparts. Of course, you can also buck this general rule and come up with “I” statements like “I think you are selfish” that are hardly gentle. So the point is not to start talking to your spouse in some stilted psychobabble. Just keep in mind that if your words focus on how you’re feeling rather than on accusing your spouse, your discussion will be far more successful.
Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge. Instead of accusing or blaming, just describe what you see. Instead of “You never watch the baby,” say, “I seem to be the only one chasing after Charlie today.” Again, this will help prevent your spouse from feeling attacked and waging a defense rather than really considering your point.
Be clear. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. Instead of “You left the dining room a total mess,” say, “I’d appreciate it if you would clean your stuff off the dining room table.” Instead of “Would you take care of the baby for once?” say, “Please change Emmy’s diaper and give her a bottle.”
Be polite. Add phrases such as “please” and “I would appreciate it if . . .”
Be appreciative. If your partner has, at some point, handled this situation better, then couch your request within an appreciation of what your partner did right in the past and how much you miss that now. Instead of “You never have time for me anymore,” say, “Remember how we used to go out every Saturday night? I loved spending so much time alone with you. And it felt so good knowing that you wanted to be with me, too. Let’s start doing that again.”
Don’t store things up. It’s hard to be gentle when you’re ready to burst with recriminations. So don’t wait too long before bringing up an issue—otherwise it will just escalate in your mind. As the Bible says (Ephesians 4:26), “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”
To see how all of these steps combine to create a softened startup, compare what Iris says in the following two dialogues:
Harsh Startup
IRIS: Another Saturday, and once again I’m spending my free time picking up after you. The trouble with you, Richard, is that . . . (Criticism, blame)
RICHARD: Yep, here we go again. “The trouble with you, Richard, the trouble with you, Richard.” There’s nothing wrong with me!
IRIS: Then why do I always have to tell you what to do? Never mind, I’ve finished cleaning up your stuff anyway, or were you too busy reading the Sunday paper to notice? (Contempt)
RICHARD: Look, I hate cleaning up. I know you do, too. I’ve been thinking about what we should do. (Repair attempt)
IRIS: This I’ve got to hear. (More contempt)
RICHARD: Well, actually I was thinking that we could use a vacation. Wouldn’t it be nice for you to be waited on hand and foot? (Second repair attempt)
IRIS: Come on, we can’t afford a cleaning lady, much less a vacation like that.
Softened Startup
IRIS: This house is an incredible mess, and we’re having company tonight. (Describing) I am really upset that I am doing all this cleaning, alone, on a Saturday. (“I” statement) Come on, please help me. Maybe you could do the vacuuming? (Being clear)
RICHARD: All right. I hate cleaning up, but I guess vacuuming is the best of the worst. I’ll do the bathrooms, too.
IRIS: That’d be a big help. (Appreciation) Thank you. (Politeness)
RICHARD: When we’re done, we deserve a reward—let’s go out for lunch.
IRIS: Okay.
When you switch to a soft startup, your spouse may not automatically react so sweetly. He or she may still be anticipating criticism or contempt from you and therefore respond negatively. Don’t give up or fall into the trap of then escalating the conflict. Continue to broach the topic gently, and eventually you will see a change in how your spouse responds, especially if you are working on all of the other aspects of Principle 5 together.
Here are some other examples that illustrate the difference between a harsh startup and a softened alternative:
Harsh startup: You never touch me.
Softened alternative: I loved it when you kissed me in the kitchen the other day. You are a natural-born kisser. Let’s do that some more.
Harsh startup: I see you dented the car again. When are you going to stop being so reckless?
Softened alternative: I saw that new dent. What happened? I am really getting worried about your driving, and I want you to be safe. Can we talk about this?
Harsh startup: You always ignore me!
Softened a
lternative: I have been missing you lately, and I’m getting a little lonely.
Exercise 1: Softened Startup
Now test your own ability to soften a harsh startup. For each item below, supply a softened alternative. (Sample answers follow, but try not to peek.)
1. When your mother-in-law visits tonight, you plan to tell her how much it hurts you when she criticizes your parenting skills. You want your partner, who is very defensive when it comes to Mom, to back you up.
Harsh startup. I can’t stand it when your mother comes over.
Your softened alternative:
2. You wish that your partner would cook dinner tomorrow night or take you out to dinner.
Harsh startup. You never take me anywhere. I’m sick of doing all the cooking.
Your softened alternative:
3. You think that your partner spends too much time with other people instead of you when you go to parties. Tonight, you want your partner to stick by you.
Harsh startup. I just know that tonight you’re gonna be flirting shamelessly again at the party.
Your softened alternative:
4. You’re upset that you have not made love in some time. You’re feeling unsure that your partner finds you attractive. You wish that the two of you could make love tonight.
Harsh startup. You’re always so cold to me!
Your softened alternative:
5. You want your partner to ask for a raise.
Harsh startup. You’re too wimpy to get a raise for your own family.
Your softened alternative:
6. You want to do more fun things together on the weekends.
Harsh startup. You have no idea how to have a good time. You’re a workaholic.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Page 17