Solution The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother. Although this may sound harsh, remember that one of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of “we-ness” between husband and wife. So the husband must let his mother know that his wife does indeed come first. His house is his and his wife’s house, not his mother’s. He is a husband first, then a son. This is not a pleasant position to take. His mother’s feelings may be hurt. But eventually she will probably adjust to the reality that her son’s family unit, where he is the husband, takes precedence to him over all others. It is absolutely critical for the marriage that the husband be firm about this, even if he feels unfairly put upon and even if his mother cannot accept the new reality.
This is not to suggest that a man do anything that he feels demeans and dishonors his parents or goes against his basic values. He should not compromise who he is. But he has to stand with his wife and not in the middle. He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, values, and lifestyle and insist that his mother (and father) respect them.
For this reason, creating or renewing your sense of solidarity with your spouse may involve some rending and tearing away from your primary families. That’s the challenge David faced when his parents came for a weekend visit to his new home, a visit that led to what he now calls the Great Osso Buco Crisis. Here’s what happened: His wife Janie had made Saturday dinner reservations for all of them at her favorite Italian restaurant. She was very excited about showing the restaurant off to her Italian in-laws, especially because she often felt upstaged by her mother-in-law, who was very knowledgeable about cuisine. But while she and David were out running errands, the older woman went to the butcher and the supermarket and prepared David’s favorite dish for dinner—osso buco.
When David and Janie arrived home, the savory aroma of garlic and veal wafted through the air. Janie was furious—but not surprised—when David’s mother said she “forgot” about the reservations. David was face to face with a dilemma. The veal looked delicious, and he knew how hurt his mother would be if he didn’t eat it. He really wanted to tell Janie to cancel the reservations.
Although this hardly sounds like a major crisis, it led to a turning point in David and Janie’s marriage. Janie had dreaded her in-laws’ visit to begin with because she felt her mother-in-law always acted as if Janie was sweet but incompetent while she was the great savior who would set their household right. Janie was always polite but distant with David’s mom. Privately she would give David an earful about what a control freak his mother was. David always insisted Janie was imagining or exaggerating slights. This just made her angrier.
Now Janie held her breath as she watched David survey the feast his mother had prepared. He cleared his throat, put his arm around his mother, and thanked her for cooking such a wonderful meal. Then he insisted it would keep for another day in the refrigerator. He explained that it was important to him and Janie to share with her and his dad how they liked to spend Saturday night together as a couple at their favorite restaurant.
His mother looked highly offended. She got teary-eyed and made a bit of a scene. (David let his father deal with that.) But it was worth it to David to see Janie look so happy and triumphant. In the end, David’s message was loud and clear: She comes first, Mom. Get used to it. “That’s when our real marriage began,” Janie recalls. “When he let his mother know that I was now first in his heart.”
An important part of putting your spouse first and building this sense of solidarity is not to tolerate any contempt toward your spouse from your parents. Noel and Evelyn’s marriage was heading for disaster until Noel learned that lesson. After their son was born, it was very important to Noel that his parents view him as a good father. Although he was a very busy lawyer and didn’t get to spend much time with the baby, every other weekend he would bring the baby with him for a visit with his parents, who lived in the next town. This gave Evelyn some desperately needed time to herself.
Often Evelyn would join them at the end of the day. From the moment she entered the house, she felt like an outsider, as if she had been cut out of the baby’s life. Noel’s parents pretty much ignored her. They’d make a big fuss over the baby and go on and on about what a great father Noel was. At times they were even sarcastic toward Evelyn—issuing snide comments, for example, about the fact that she was still nursing the baby at six months. Since Evelyn knew that Noel wanted her to wean the baby, she suspected that Noel was complaining to his parents about her behind her back. In our laboratory we helped the couple talk about this issue, and it turned out she was completely right. In an effort to impress his parents, Noel was sacrificing his “we-ness” with Evelyn by bad-mouthing her.
Once Noel realized that his need for his parents’ approval was playing out against Evelyn and their marriage, he was able to change. He began to spend less time at his parents’ house with the baby, so that his parents saw their grandson mostly when they were on Evelyn’s home turf. When his mother expressed concern that the baby wasn’t getting enough to eat, Noel piped up that Evelyn had just taken him to the pediatrician, who declared him perfectly plump and healthy. When his father suggested that the baby needed a heavier snowsuit, Noel told him that Evelyn was the mother and knew better than anyone else what was best for their son. At first Noel’s parents were miffed by his new attitude. But as time went on, they came to accept the change. And Noel and Evelyn found that their marriage flourished. They finally developed a sense that they were a team. They had mastered the task of building “we-ness.”
Exercise 1: In-law Problems
If you are having ongoing in-law problems in your marriage, filling out this brief questionnaire can help. It will let you focus on your relationships with each other’s kin so that you can determine whether your sense of “we-ness” as a couple needs to be strengthened when it comes to a particular relative. You should both jot down your answers to this form on separate paper.
1. Think of your relationship with various members of your spouse’s family. If you feel that your spouse isn’t necessarily on your side in any of these relationships or that there are ongoing issues with a particular family member, check off the appropriate box.
• Spouse’s mother
• Spouse’s stepmother
• Spouse’s father
• Spouse’s stepfather
• Spouse’s brother(s) __________
• Spouse’s sister(s) __________
• Other family member __________
Describe the successes so far:
Describe the conflict(s) that remain:
2. Think about your spouse’s relationship with your kin. If you feel that your spouse isn’t necessarily on your side in any of these relationships or that there are ongoing issues with a particular family member, check off the appropriate box.
• Mother
• • Stepmother
• Father
• Stepfather
• Brother(s) __________
• Sister(s) __________
• Other family member __________
Describe the successes so far:
Describe the conflict(s) that remain:
Now get together with your spouse and read over each other’s responses. Discuss what can be done to increase the amount of support and solidarity you are getting from each other. Try not to be defensive if your spouse perceives a problem and you don’t. Remember that much about relationships has to do with perception. So, for example, if your wife believes that you side with your own mother against her, that’s something you need to work on in your marriage, even if you don’t agree with her perception of the situation.
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY
The task: Balancing the freedom and empowerment money represents with the security and trust it also symbolizes.
Whether their bank account is teeming or they’re just scrimping by, many couples confront significant money conflicts. Often such disputes are eviden
ce of a perpetual issue, since money is symbolic of many emotional needs—such as for security and power—and goes to the core of our individual value system. But when a simpler, solvable financial problem arises, the key to resolving it is to first understand a marriage’s task in this area. While money buys pleasure, it also buys security. Balancing these two economic realities can be work for any couple, since our feelings about money and value are so personal and often idiosyncratic.
I find that solvable financial differences are usually the province of newlyweds rather than longer-term couples. That’s because as a marriage goes on, these issues either become resolved successfully or develop into perpetual problems about money’s symbolic meanings. However, long-term couples may also find themselves facing a solvable money issue as their circumstances change. Differences of opinion over job changes, financing the children’s education, planning for retirement, and caring for elderly parents are common sources of friction in midlife.
Solution Some clearheaded budgeting is called for. Below are some simple steps you can take to get a handle on how much you’d like to be spending—and on what. Keep in mind, though, that managing complex financial matters is beyond the scope of this book. If you need extra help with financial planning and investing, you’ll find plenty of resources at your local library or bookstore. In particular I recommend Get a Financial Life by Beth Kobliner (Fireside Books, 1996) and Your Money or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin (Penguin, 1992). What’s most important in terms of your marriage is that you work as a team on financial issues and that you express your concerns, needs, and fantasies to each other before coming up with a plan. Make sure you don’t end up with a budget that forces either of you to become a martyr. This will only build up resentment. You’ll each need to be firm about items that you consider nonnegotiable.
Step 1: Itemize Your Current Expenditures
Use a form like the one that follows to record how you have spent your money over the last month, six months, or year, whichever is most appropriate to your situation. You may be able to do this just by reviewing your checkbook and credit card statements.
Expenditures
Food
Mortgage or rent
Vacation rentals
Remodeling
Property taxes
Condo maintenance fees
Home office supplies
Utilities
Electricity
Gas
Heat
Water
Phone
E-mail, Internet
Household maintenance
Housecleaning
Laundry
Dry cleaning
Supplies and equipment (vacuum, bathroom cleaner, etc.)
Clothes
Personal care (Haircuts, manicures, sundries)
Car
Gas
Maintenance and repairs
License renewal
Insurance
Parking, tolls
Payments
Other Transportation
Bus, train, ferry fares
Trips
Business
Visiting family
Other vacations
Recreation
Eating out or takeout
Baby-sitters
Dates (movies, plays, concerts, sports)
Home entertainment (video rentals, CDs)
Health
Insurance premiums
Doctor
Pharmacy
Health club membership
Other (eyeglasses, massages, counseling, etc.)
Appliances and electronics (TV, computer, answering machine)
Gifts
Charitable contributions
Interest on loans, bank charges, credit cards
Life insurance
Investments and savings (stocks, etc.)
Step 2: Manage Everyday Finances
1. Write down every expense from the list above that you consider essential for your sense of happiness and well-being.
2. Look carefully at your income and assets. Now try to create a budget that allows you to manage everyday finances and other “essentials” based on your means.
3. Come up with a plan for paying bills on a regular basis. Determine who writes the checks and when, and who balances the checkbook.
4. Discuss your separate lists and plans with each other. Look for common ground between your two approaches. Decide on a workable strategy that allows both of you to meet your “essential” needs. Agree to sit down and revisit your plan in a few months to make sure it’s working for both of you.
Step 3: Plan Your Financial Future
1. Imagine your life 5,10, 20, or 30 years from now. What would be your ideal circumstance? Think of things you want (house, and so on) and the kind of life you would ideally like to lead. Also think through the kinds of financial disasters you would most want to avoid. For example, some people’s greatest financial fear is not having enough money to retire. Others fear not being able to fund a child’s college education.
2. Now list your long-term financial goals, taking into account what you most desire and what you most fear. For example, your goals might include buying your own home or weekend home, as well as having a well-funded retirement account.
3. Share your lists with each other. Look for similarities in your long-term goals. Discuss your perspectives.
4. Come up with a long-range financial plan that will help you both meet your goals. Be sure to revisit this plan every so often—say every year—to make sure you’re still in agreement.
Following these steps has helped couples with a wide variety of financial differences come up with workable solutions. For example, Linda loved stylish clothes and working out at the health club near her office. Devon considered both of those frivolous wastes of money. He far preferred to spend his money on lunches out with friends and two skiing vacations every year. To Linda, his pleasures were overly indulgent. After they each filled out the form, they could see exactly how much money they had. They talked about their finances as a couple and arrived at a temporary compromise budget. Neither of them wanted to give up on their favorite pleasures, so they decided that they would open three savings accounts, one for each of them plus a joint account. They agreed to put a portion of each paycheck into their joint account to save for their children’s education and other major expenses down the road. Then they individually would save for gym memberships and ski trips. They decided that in six months they would talk over this arrangement again to determine whether their new budgeting system was working for both of them.
Tina and Gene had a different dilemma. Their oldest son Brian was just two years away from college. Although they had saved enough for him to attend the local community college, Tina wanted to send him to the more rigorous (and more expensive) state university, which offered far more science courses. Brian had always been an exceptional student. His dream of becoming an aerospace engineer seemed like a realistic goal. But to pay the higher tuition this would entail, Gene would have to postpone his dream of buying a cabin in the mountains. Although Gene cared deeply about his son’s education, he also worried that if they didn’t buy a home now, they’d get priced out of the market and would never realize his lifelong dream. Gene wanted Tina to go back to work full time so they could afford the college tuition and the country home. But Tina was resisting because her very elderly mother lived with them and depended on Tina for her daily care. Gene and Tina were at this point having almost daily fights over the issue. Gene thought it was time for Tina’s sister to take over her mother’s care. But Tina’s sister worked full time and said she wasn’t able to do that. The other option was to put her mother in a nursing home, but Tina was dead set against such a decision.
When Tina and Gene filled out the budgeting form, a simple solution did not present itself. But the process of looking through their expenditures together transformed the emotional climate between them dramatically. Rather than arguing about
the issues, they felt like a team again. They made lists of the various pieces of information they needed to find out about student loans and scholarships. In the end, Gene accepted that he would have to postpone his dream for a few more years. Tina did go back to work, but only on a part time basis. Gene was able to shift his work hours so that he could be home with his mother-in-law while Tina was away. And Brian was able to take out enough student loans to allow him to go to the state university.
The problems and solutions encountered by these couples are unlikely to match yours. The point is that whatever your disagreement over finances, you’ll defuse the tension by working as a team to devise a plan you both can accept, even if it doesn’t give you everything you want right now.
SEX
The task: Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other.
No other area of a couple’s life offers more potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection than sex. No wonder couples find it such a challenge to communicate about the topic clearly. Often they “vague out,” making it difficult to decipher what they’re actually trying to tell each other. Here’s a classic example from a couple we taped in our lab:
SHE: Think about your feelings two and a half and three years ago, and how we dealt with the problem and how we felt. I mean, think. It was much more a problem then in my eyes than it is now.
HE: I think we’re more secure together now than we were then. I don’t know. I would say the actual problem we haven’t dealt with anymore, any differently since then, I don’t believe. I don’t know if we’ve really changed.
SHE: Do you feel any differently about it, though?
HE: How do you feel?
SHE: Well, I guess I feel that the problem two and a half and three years ago, I viewed it as something that could ruin our marriage. I was real worried about us not making it. I don’t really worry about that anymore.
HE: I never considered it a threat to our marriage. I know you did, but I never did.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Page 20