by Sasha Greene
Carina smiled briefly, a proper smile this time that transformed her face into a thing of real beauty. ‘Do.’ And then she was gone.
Jade barely heard the front door slam; instead, all her focus was on the book that she held in her hands. The glittery rainbow unicorn cover she remembered well; she had often seen Ruby slipping it in and out of the drawer when she had been lying in bed of an evening. But she had always respected her sister’s privacy, and never tried to take a peek.
She had to steel herself to open it. Her sister had filled in all the details in the contact form; name, address, telephone, year at school, the works. But it was what was at the bottom of the page that made Jade catch her breath. There was the photo that they had taken that day when they had been fooling around in the photo booth together.
It had been so hard getting the three of them in the frame at the same time, mainly because they were laughing so hard, that only one of the photos had come out decent at all. Jade had totally forgotten about it. She had no idea that Ruby had kept it. And not only had she kept it, she had pasted it into the front page of her diary. With a sequined heart frame stuck around it, and the word BESTIES written in marker pen underneath.
Jade shut the book gently. It was too much. There was no way she would be able to read it.
She sat for a long time, until the sun dipped over the edge of the house opposite, and it began to get chilly.
Tea, she decided, straightening up, and rubbing her stiff muscles. She would have a cup of tea, and then work out what to do.
She made the special green tea her mother only kept for certain occasions. Her mum would notice some gone but wouldn’t complain. Since Ruby’s death she had got much less strict about those kinds of things.
Up on her new double bed, Jade sipped slowly from the tiny cup, feeling the warmth of the liquid warm both her throat and her hands. And when she finally felt ready, she opened the diary and turned the first page.
The first few entries were pretty much what she would expect. Jade was surprised at the formality of the language that was used, but then remembered that Ruby had been a big Jane Austen fan. There was elation on starting a new diary. Worries about homework. Happiness about good things that had happened. And then, the big momentous entry, decorated with heart and diamond stickers:
Today I got my very own Twitter account. Now I’m finally someone! I haven’t told anyone at home. I can’t tell Mum and Dad, they would look at it and it would just be too embarrassing. And I can’t tell JJ either. I’m sure she was the one who told them about my Instagram.
Jade winced; she was indeed the culprit. Although to be fair, she hadn’t known that Ruby wanted to keep it a secret. She had actually been proudly showing off some of her sister’s photos to her parents.
The Twitter handle was written in bold letters underneath. Jade almost reached for her phone to look it up but found her hand gravitating back to the book. She would have a look later.
All went well for the next few weeks. There was a boy at school she had a crush on, but she seemed to realise that it wasn’t serious, that it would pass. She seemed more concerned with the pressures of school work, and very aware that in her final year at school there was everything to play for.
Then, suddenly, in December, there it was.
Someone sent me an awful message on Twitter today. And I don’t even know him.
She had reproduced it in full, and the language in it made Jade’s blood boil. Basically, it was somehow both an invitation to have sex, and an intimation that she was worthless. At least, that was the polite way of saying it. Her own mouth wasn’t entirely a shining example of purity, but this was far beyond any words she would ever use.
Jade tried to think back. The entry was just a few days before Christmas. She couldn’t remember Ruby acting any different. But then, how was she supposed to remember things from that long ago?
No, wait. Christmas. Not last year, but the one before. It had been a difficult time. Granny Wilson had died on Christmas Eve the year before that. Ruby had also been very close to her and had taken it very hard. So when Jade had come across her sister crying up in their bedroom, she had assumed it was something to do with the anniversary. She counted on her fingers, her memory sharper now. That would coincide exactly with the date in the diary. She swore, guilt running through her. Because it was after that point, now she remembered it, that Ruby’s mood swings had really got serious. If only she hadn’t put it down to the usual teenage growing pains. If only she had asked what was really going on.
If only you were perfect, she reminded herself. You can’t be all things to all people.
But had their grandmother’s death been the start of Ruby’s downhill struggle? Losing someone she really felt she could talk to?
Heart beating faster now, she read on.
It was almost as if the incident had never happened in the next few entries. Ruby seemed back to her slightly-concerned-about-study-but-generally-happy persona. But as Jade read on through the weeks, she began to notice a worrying negative trend in what Ruby was writing. Comments about her weight. About her skin. Was she too clever for boys to like her? Was that why she had never been kissed by one? This was almost too personal. Too painful. And she remembered that some of these questions had come up from time to time, as they lay in bed in the evenings. Jade had been very dismissive, trying to bolster Ruby’s confidence. But, reading through the diary, it was obvious that many of the issues hadn’t been just passing worries. They had wormed through her sister’s brain until they had destroyed what little self-confidence she had.
It was partly Jade’s fault too. She had been caught up in the stresses of her own final year, chasing a first so that she could be in the running for a graduate scholarship. And in doing so had failed to see the depth of the mess that Ruby was getting herself into.
It was only as she struggled to read the next few entries, written in cramped and hurried writing, that she realised that the light outside was fading. That made it very late indeed. She switched on the light so she could read the page properly. This one was written just the day before Ruby’s first attempt.
TBH I don’t really see the point. Why bother when even people who say they are my friends are so cruel. FTS.
Fuck This Shit, Jade mentally translated, after a couple of seconds of wondering. She turned the page to the next day. It was blank. And so were all the rest.
If she had thought that leaving Nick was hard, it was nothing compared with her feelings on seeing the unfilled pages in the diary. It was a perfect analogy for what the loss of her sister meant; one blank entry after another, stretching endlessly into the future, where there should be tales of her ups and downs, her loves and hates, her successes and failures.
Jade had thought she was done with crying about all this by now, but this was just too much. She put her head down on the pillow and wept.
Chapter 20
Nick hummed happily to himself as he walked up the hill from the bus station, rucksack on his back. He was finally home. Home! The vast mountains stretched up above him. The sunlight glinted off the wild whipped foam in the sea loch. He took a deep breath of the fresh air and felt his shoulders lose some of their tension. It was two weeks before he had to see the inside of an office again.
His mother had obviously been watching from the window, because soon after the house came into view there she was, waiting on the doorstep. The wind lifted the long curly strands of her brown hair and played them around her face, so she had to hold up a hand to be able to see him.
He willingly opened his arms to her generous hug. ‘It’s great to see you, Mum.’ He held her for just a moment longer, just to make up for all the time she’d been so far away.
His father wasn’t that far behind, and Nick made sure to hug him as well, slapping him on the back. It always surprised people that his mother was so tall and his father so short. Nick had inherited the height, but he never laid claim to his mother’s level of intelligence. She
was the one who kept all the strands of their business woven together. Oh yes, his father was the one who talked to all the guests, but his mother was definitely the one who steered the ship.
‘There’s dinner waiting.’ She looped a hand through his arm and steered him gently towards the side door. Just for a moment, Nick rested his hand against the faded pink paint of the wall of the house, slightly warm from the afternoon sun. If he was fanciful, he could almost imagine it as a living, breathing thing to come back home to.
He smiled. Jade would like that idea very much. Knowing her she would invent some wild futuristic story about a house that was actually a living, breathing organism. He would have to remember to message her after dinner.
Both his parents were looking at him expectantly, and he realised he was lost in his own thoughts. He grinned at them. ‘Lead the way. I’m starving.’
Dinner was spent catching up on news. Nick told them all about Sean and the gang, and the walks they’d been on. His parents got him up to speed on the latest local gossip. But really, nothing much had changed, and for that Nick was grateful. Home felt like an anchor to which he could always tie his line. It was the one constant in his life.
Afterwards, his dad went out to dabble in the garden, while Nick sat with his mother on the private patio in comfy cushioned chairs, enjoying the rest of the evening sun. The wind was sending the clouds running across the tops of the mountains, but in the shelter of the walled garden it was very pleasant.
The garden was really at its best in June and July. Nick didn’t know much about garden plants, but he didn’t need to know their names to admire their beauty. The borders were covered in an array of colours, from bright cheerful yellows to deep dusky purples.
‘It’s so good to see you, my darling.’ His mother cradled the curve of her wine glass in her right palm. ‘We’ve missed you so much.’
‘I’ve missed you too.’ Nick suddenly wanted to share everything he had been going through, but instead just took a swig from his bottle of beer. He couldn’t tell her absolutely everything. It would break her heart.
‘Yeah.’ He steadied his voice before he continued, trying to make it sound casual. ‘I’ve not been in a very good place these last few months.’
‘What, Glasgow? I’ve never really liked it myself.’ His mother’s crack of laughter at her own joke took him by surprise, and he had to smile.
‘No, but seriously.’ His face became sober again. ‘Like a really bad place. I’ve been pretty depressed.’
She regarded him silently for a few moments as if to check that he was really being serious, and then her shoulders slumped slightly, and she took another sip of her wine. ‘To be honest, I’m really not surprised.’
Nick was taken aback by her reply. ‘What do you mean?’
She indicated towards the figure kneeling by a flowerbed on the other side of the garden, trowel in hand. ‘Your dad has depression. He gets it pretty bad.’
Nick almost dropped the bottle he was holding. ‘You’re kidding me.’
She shook her head. ‘Not at all. I can tell when it’s coming on because he’ll go all quiet and distant on me.’
It couldn’t be true. ‘But he’s always such a happy person.’
Her hand went up to rub the back of her neck. It was the first time he had ever seen her uncomposed about anything.
‘On the surface, yes. He puts on a good front for people. But inside, well, he has some very bad days.’
Nick could identify with that. ‘So how long has this been going on?’
She shrugged. ‘Hard to tell, really. It just seemed to creep up on us. I guess in some way he’d probably had it most of his life. But there was an awful year a few years after we got married that really brought it all to a head.’
‘Will you tell me about it?’ Nick reached over and squeezed her hand.
She looked across at him with a small smile and squeezed back. ‘I can’t believe I’ve never talked to you about this before really. I suppose I never thought you’d be interested.’
She leaned her head back against the cushioned headrest, staring up at the clouds. ‘Let me see. Well. Marrying your dad was where it all started. My family were staunch Catholics, so to marry someone from a non-Catholic background, well, for a while it was like the world had ended. Things are different now, but back then the lines were much more marked between the two camps. I think my father just wanted me to be happy, but my mother refused to speak to me for many years. It was all too much, living so close to them but so far away in spirit. So I applied for a job at Imperial College in London and was really relieved when I got it.’
She took another sip of her wine. ‘London was so exciting. So many interesting things going on. I was doing oncology research, and they were just starting to experiment with new technologies in radiotherapy. It was all big news, every time we published something the press was all over it. It really felt like I was making a contribution to society.’
Her gaze fell on his dad again, who caught them both looking and blew them a theatrical kiss. She laughed and returned the gesture, while Nick just rolled his eyes. But he couldn’t help smiling. It was so good to be home.
‘Your dad got a job in a bank. He’s always been good with numbers. That, and his accountancy qualifications, put him in high demand. But I think after a few years the high-pressure environment finally got to him. He was working on these high-profile merger projects, and of course because it was all secret, he couldn’t even tell me anything about it.’ She frowned. ‘Of course, I think he probably kept things a bit too secret. I mean, who would I have told? But I think he got a bit paranoid about it, just thought that it was safest if he didn’t mention anything to anyone.’
A deep sigh was the only indication of her feelings on the topic. ‘Anyway, to cut a long story short, he started getting bad mood swings, which turned into depression and anxiety. He did get some help and medication, but when it got to the point that he had a panic attack just trying to leave for work I knew we had to do something drastic.’
She drained the rest of her glass in a couple of small swallows, and set it on the wide wooden arm of the chair. ‘I left my job and we sold our house. The money we had saved was enough to buy a good portion of this place.’ A wave of her hand indicated the house.
‘Jeez.’ Nick couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ‘I thought you’d always lived here.’
He suddenly realised how ridiculous that sounded. ‘Actually, I guess I’d never really thought about it.’ He’d been so busy all his life living in the present and worrying about the future that he’d never taken the time to dig into the past.
That would explain a lot, though. Why his dad’s parents had been around but his mum’s side of the family hadn’t.
He frowned. ‘But I don’t ever remember Dad being depressed.’
A small smile crept over his mum’s face. ‘Do you remember your camping trips?’
‘Sure.’ A few times a year, his dad had taken him off into the mountains. It had been going on for as long as he could remember. ‘Yeah. I remember that really crazy one we did in February. The snow was meters deep and we built an igloo. That was pretty cool.’
‘Every time he got really depressed, I’d send him off on a trip. A few days in the middle of nowhere would always help. And you were always my insurance policy to make sure he came back to me safely.’
‘So is all this why you haven’t been down to visit? I was beginning to think that you didn’t care about me anymore.’ He kept his tone light, so she would know he was joking, but he suddenly realised that the smaller, meaner side of him had started to think that, even though he knew how ridiculous it was.
‘Oh, Nick.’ The expression on her face chased away lingering doubts he might ever have had. ‘Not at all. When we brought you down that time, a couple of hours in the city was as much as your dad could take. He still gets panic attacks in busy places. And I worry when I leave him up here all by himself. I know it’s stup
id, but I can’t help it.’ She reached over and touched him gently on the cheek. ‘I love you so much. We both do. And we’re so proud of you.’
What a lot his mum had been through. Giving up a job she loved, for the sake of the mental health of someone she loved even more. ‘Is that why you wanted me to move down to Glasgow?’
She looked at him, puzzled for a few seconds, and then realised what he was referring to. ‘I threw away a good career, and while I’ve never really regretted it, I’ve often wondered what might have been. I didn’t want the same thing to happen to you. Home will always be here for you to come back to. But I just think you’re capable of so much more.’
‘Sitting in an office all day is killing me, Mum. I stare out the window dreaming of mountains all day.’ Nick had been avoiding the truth for so long that even just saying it felt like a relief.
‘You only say that because you’re not used to it. Give it another year or so and you’ll be happy as Larry. Every job is tough at the start. You’ve only been there, what, just under a year now? Just give it time.’
Everyone was defined by their history, Nick suddenly realised. His mum had given up her high-powered job which she had loved, so naturally she wanted the same opportunities for him. He should consider himself lucky in some ways. So many people were completely unable to find a job at all. Even fewer paid the decent salary that his did. But just because an opportunity was there didn’t mean that it had to be taken.
He stood up. ‘I’m going to get another beer. Do you want a refill?’
She held out her glass gratefully. ‘You’ll have to open another bottle, that one’s finished.’
By the time he got back his dad had given up on the garden and was sitting in another chair. ‘So, what are your plans while you’re here?’
‘I’m seeing Jamie tomorrow night.’ Nick couldn’t wait to see his friend again. ‘I thought I’d hang around here for a week or so. Maybe go for a few day walks with you if you’ve got time.’ His dad nodded enthusiastically. ‘And then probably just head up for a proper few days in the wilderness before heading back to Glasgow.’ He couldn’t call it home, he realised. For him this would always be home. Would always be where his heart was. Except … a large bit of his heart was stuck with Jade. And smaller bits with Sean and the boys. And a tiny bit had been buried with Archie. Was this how it went as you got older? Little bits of your heart ripped off and left with other people?