by Sasha Greene
He propped his bag by the front door and went to find his parents. His father was washing dishes in the kitchen.
‘I’m off, Dad. Bus leaves soon. If I’m not back by Friday then send out a search party.’
He received a soapy hug in return. ‘You have a great time, son. It’s been great having you here. See you in a few days.’
‘Yeah. Cheers, Dad. Where’s Mum?’
His dad pointed upwards. ‘Stripping beds, I think. That family from Kent is leaving this morning.’
Nick found her on the landing, gathering up a double armful of bedding. She dropped it as soon as she saw him and gathered him into her arms instead. ‘Is that you off?’
‘Yeah. Bus leaves soon, and I don’t want to miss it.’
She ruffled his hair. ‘Well, you take care of yourself. And if you need anything just call me, OK? We can always come and rescue you in the car.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’ Nick gave her another quick squeeze, and a kiss on the cheek. ‘See you in a few days.’
It wasn’t long before he was on the bus, his bag safely stowed in the bay beneath him. It was only about an hour up the coast, but it would take him right into the heart of what he loved best, countryside unspoiled by roads, and away from the overcrowded tourist trails. But by the time he got dropped off at the village which was his starting point, it was raining. He looked up in displeasure at the sky. There were some blue patches across the way. Maybe he would just go to the pub for a quick drink before he set off. There was no rush, anyway.
The pub was totally empty, which surprised Nick, although it was only eleven o’clock on a Sunday. When he walked in it looked as if the place had just opened; the bartender was stacking glasses behind the bar. There would be plenty of punters in for Sunday lunch, at a guess.
It proved to be a wise decision to take a break, because while he was enjoying a half of a delicious local ale then what had been a gentle shower turned into a fierce downpour. He thanked the lucky weather fairy. Starting a walk with damp equipment would just be miserable.
The bartender leaned over the bar. ‘Off for a walking trip, are we?’
‘Yeah.’ Nick didn’t mind talking. Besides, it was good to let as many people as possible know what you were doing, especially if you were going on your own. That way, if something happened to you, hopefully at least someone would remember seeing you and where you’d gone. ‘I’m going up over the hills to Ratagan and then on to Skye. I think four days walk probably.’
The other man nodded. From the depth of the tan he was sporting, Nick guessed that he spent most of his free time out on the hills too. ‘Wild camping? There’re some good spots up there. The top of the ridges can be pretty flat. A bit windy sometimes, but then that’s good for keeping the midges away.’
Nick nodded. ‘Yeah, that was my plan. I’m just going to see how far I get. I’m a bit out of shape unfortunately.’
‘Are you from round here?’ The man’s eyes sharpened a little, obviously trying to place his accent.
‘Kind of. Fort William originally, but I’m living in Glasgow now.’
The other man walked over and picked up Nick’s empty glass. ‘Having another?’
Nick stood up and stretched. ‘Nah. I’d better get off now that the rain has passed over. Thanks anyway.’
‘No problem. Have a great walk.’ The guy shook his hand. ‘See you next time.’
Nick lifted his pack onto his back and walked out of the door. His heart lifted as he saw the green rise of the mountain above him. He was finally back where he belonged. He set up off the hill.
It only took him a couple of hours to get to the top, although the last bit of the route was a pretty hard slog, what with the heavy pack on his back. What a great place to have lunch. He unpacked the sandwiches he had made for himself that morning. From here on in it would be mostly instant food, but at least today he still had fresh bread. A swig of water was enough to wash it down. Maybe when he stopped for the night he would make a pot of tea.
His happy mood continued all the way through the afternoon, as he made his way down the other side of the mountain, and up to the top of the next. It was pretty good progress for his first day. No point in pushing it too much. He put up his tent, cooked himself the promised pot of tea, and rehydrated some spaghetti Bolognese. It was amazing what they could do with freeze-dried food. It almost tasted as good at the real thing. There was a bit of a breeze which kept the worst of the midges off, although he had still smeared himself in plenty of repellent, just in case. He sent a couple of photos to Jamie and Jade, and one to Sean and the other guys. He didn’t have any internet, but they would be bound to go through at some point when he was walking tomorrow.
He spent the rest of the evening just looking at the view and thinking about what Jamie had said. Surely this was the future he wanted? Mountains all around him. But then, what were the mountains without the people he loved? The tiredness seemed to seep through his bones just thinking about it. He had been honest with Jade when he said that he was pretty depressed at the moment. But the beautiful scenery, and the beautiful weather, was helping him keep things at bay. Just like it always did. It was possible to be happy and sad at the same time. Up and down. Light and dark. Wasn’t that just normal?
Talking to his dad had made him realise that the phases he had written off as ‘downers’ in the past were actually something more serious. Maybe he should talk to someone when he got back. Someone professional. But until he did, he was going to enjoy this amazing scenery.
The sun was still pretty high in the sky by the time he found himself yawning. Of course, it was June, he reminded himself. It probably wouldn’t get dark until around midnight. So he crawled into his sleeping bag and closed his eyes. It wasn’t long before he fell asleep, a smile still on his face.
But the next morning when he woke up it was raining.
Nick sighed as he listened to the drumming of the rain on the roof of his tent. The forecast had said there would be rain at some point, but it was a pain packing up in the wet. It meant that his tent would still be wet when he got to his destination, and then that dampness would probably slowly creep into everything else. Unless he got a couple of hours sunshine to help dry things out at some point during the day. That could happen. Positive thinking. That was important.
It took a bit of manoeuvring to have breakfast and get everything packed up in the tiny tent, but it was the only way to keep everything from getting wet. He skipped a cup of tea. If it stopped raining, he could make one later. His dry bags would protect everything while he was walking, and his waterproofs were the best. And he always loved the outdoors in the rain. Everything smelled so fresh and green.
The tent was the last thing to take apart. It only took him a couple of minutes to roll it up and push it into its waterproof bag. Then he set off, feet squishing as he walked across the wet moss.
It must have rained quite a bit in the night, because the ground was pretty boggy in places, and the streams were filled with rushing water. But sometime around mid-morning the rain stopped, and by the time he sat down for lunch the sun had come out. He boiled some water and used it to make a cup of tea and rehydrate another meal.
There was still no mobile signal, but he must have got one at some point, because there was a thumbs up from Jamie, and a strong arm from Jade. But no reply from Sean. They had obviously forgotten about him. This Deem seemed like a far closer friend than he would ever be. For one moment his words to Jade about it being impossible to lose all the people in his life came back to haunt him. He had lost Archie, he was losing Jamie, and Jade only felt sorry for him. And now, it looked as if his new friends didn’t care about him either. For one moment he felt irrationally jealous, and then immediately guilty for being so small-minded. Thoughts like that were just his depression talking. They were probably just busy. Or out of mobile range. Or something else. He stuffed his phone quickly back into his pocket.
Mountains. He looked at the quiet valley whe
re he sat, breathing in deep breaths of the fresh air, trying to regain his composure. They had always been enough for him. Had always settled his mood. But today his mind was not in the right place. It was too far away. It felt split into too many places. Part of it was away in the Alps, with his new friends, wishing he was there in body. Part of it was with Jade, wondering how she was doing without him. If he was completely honest with himself, the small uncharitable part of him was hoping that she was sad without him. And he felt guilty about that too. But a big part of his mind was trying to process the offer that Jamie had given him. To feel like his dream was out of his reach for so long, and then to suddenly have it handed to him on a plate? It had knocked him off balance. Because, if he was really honest about that too, then he wasn’t sure that it was what he wanted any more.
An annoyed sound escaped him as he pushed himself up onto his feet. He didn’t know what he wanted, he realised. Which unsettled him too. His dream had always been so fixed in his mind, and now a year in Glasgow had changed all that.
‘I hate Glasgow.’ He picked up a stone and hurled it into the stream. The loud splash didn’t make him feel any better. ‘I wish I’d never gone there.’
But if he hadn’t gone there he wouldn’t have met Jade. And if he hadn’t met Jade, he wouldn’t have met Sean. Or Pete. Or Stevie. And come to rely on them for keeping him going.
‘Yeah, and life would be much more simple. I’d be off to Canada with Jamie probably.’ He muttered to himself as he hoisted his rucksack onto his back, knowing as he said the words that they were a lie. Did it make him a coward, not wanting to leave home? Then he mentally kicked himself. His problems could wait. He was supposed to be here to have a good time. And that’s what he would do. Whistling a tune to raise his spirits, he set off.
Nick looked at his watch. Just after six-thirty. He was almost at the place where he had planned to camp that night. He was making pretty good time. After that it was only about eight miles to the village, which made for an easy day tomorrow. He would have proper beer and some proper food. And the chance of a hot shower.
He was pretty tired though. Really out of shape after sitting at a desk for so long. He could feel his feet really dragging these last couple of miles. At least the last bit was downhill all the way.
He had been walking along a fast-flowing stream for a few hundred metres now. The water rushed busily over tumbles of dark brown stones. There was supposed to be a bridge somewhere to cross. It was marked on the map just about …
Ah. He gazed for a minute at the scene. There had obviously once been three planks laid across the stream, fixed together with a twist of metal wire. But now one plank was broken, the second was sticking up from the shallows downstream, and the other was nowhere else to be seen. That was poor maintenance. He would have to report it to someone.
He looked at the map, considering his options. The spot he had chosen to camp was just a short walk away on the other side of the stream. But if he didn’t cross here, then the nearest other option was about three miles downstream. Which made for a six-mile detour.
He could camp on this side of the river. The ground was a bit uneven, but it would be OK. He could decide what to do in the morning. He scratched his head, looking at the river. There was something that looked like it might be a set of stepping stones in drier weather, but with all the rain the water had risen so they were well-submerged. It wasn’t even five metres from one side to another. Maybe if he took off his boots he could try to walk across. It would be a bit risky, but all of his stuff was well-packed in dry bags, so even if he fell in then it wouldn’t be a disaster. It was time to have a bit of an adventure.
He took his boots off, stuffing his socks into the toes. With careful aim he flung them across the river to land on the other side. At least they would be dry. It would be great to be able to do the same with his pack, but it was just too heavy. It would have to come with him.
Trousers also came off, and with the help of a stone to weigh them down a bit they went the same way as his boots. No one was around to see him in his underwear, so it really didn’t matter. He sat down carefully on the back and placed his feet in the water.
Jeez, it was cold. The middle of June and the water was still bloody freezing. He set his first foot on the first stone, and placed his other firmly on the second. The stones felt firm, and he took courage from that.
It made hard going though. The current was strong, and tugged at him, constantly trying to pull him off-balance. The weight of the rucksack was an added complication. And by the time he was half-way across he could barely feel his feet.
Just one step at a time. Take it easy. We’re almost there.
As soon as he felt the large stone roll under his feet, he knew what was going to happen and that there was no way of stopping it. He didn’t try to save himself, but concentrated on holding his breath as he fell sideways and the water closed over his head. He still managed to swallow a mouthful, but it was better than being half-drowned. He kicked out to find the bottom, and discovered that the water was only at waist height. Still, it took all of his strength to fight against the pull of the current and slowly make his way towards the edge of the river. He collapsed on the bank just to get his breath back, and realised that he was shivering uncontrollably.
Dry clothes. He had to get into some dry clothes. Numb fingers fumbled with the clasps on his pack. The rucksack itself was dripping, but as he had predicted, the stuff inside his dry bags was fine. He stripped down to nothing. After all, who was going to see? He towelled himself dry, and with dry clothes on was soon feeling a lot better, although he still felt freezing. The wet clothes went in a plastic bag. He would try to hang them up tonight to dry, if the weather was still fine.
His jacket was still hanging on a bush where he had placed it. He would just check his phone. Maybe send a message to his parents if he had signal. And send a couple more photos to Jade. That one of the buzzard he had managed to snap just before lunch was pretty amazing.
But when his hand dipped into his pocket, what he came up with was not his mini dry bag, with his phone safely inside, but his phone, by itself, now completely waterlogged and dripping. Too late he remembered that when he had stuffed it away in a fit of pique at lunchtime then he hadn’t bothered to put it back in the dry bag. And now it was as useless as a piece of stone.
He stared at it for a few seconds, then cursed aloud at his stupidity. This was where worrying about stuff got you. Out in the middle of nowhere, with no means of communication. Oh sure, his watch could send off a signal, if he really got into trouble, but that was for emergencies only. He had just cut off his only connection to the outside world.
He flung himself down on a rocky outcrop, trying to think. Did it really matter? It wasn’t the cost of the phone, although he was slightly annoyed with himself for being so careless with something that expensive. It was that now he was truly alone. Out here with only his thoughts and the mountains for company. And that slightly scared him. For so long he’d been trying to push everything away. He had made an art of avoiding reality. But he had a feeling that everything was just about to hit him.
‘Let’s get a campsite set up.’ He spoke aloud, as if there was someone with him to tell his thoughts to. Placing his dead phone back into his jacket pocket, he gathered his stuff and set off to take the final steps towards his resting place for the night.
It didn’t take him long to set up camp, and, exhausted, he crawled thankfully into his sleeping bag. A couple of energy bars did him for dinner. There was no way he could even muster up the energy to boil some water.
But sleep was a long time coming. For one thing, it took him a long time to finally get warm, despite his thermal sleeping bag. And, for some reason, he couldn’t get Jade out of his mind. Until now he had been angry at her for leaving him, but now he realised that in some way he had been the one who had let her down. She had given him nothing but honesty about her feelings and what she had been going through, while he
had been hanging back, worried about what she would think of him if he showed her the true depths of his depression and exactly what it did to his mind. And that made him feel pretty bad.
He tried to keep himself positive, but by the time he awoke the next morning the black fog of depression had already settled deep into his bones. He knew the feeling all too well. It was almost as if they felt too heavy to lift. And his brain felt too muddled for any real thinking. There was no way it was going to shift away any time soon. So when he heard the rain dripping off his tent again, he made the decision that he wasn’t going anywhere. He would stay in his tent until the clouds lifted, both actually and metaphorically. There was no hurry. He was on his own time. No one was expecting him. Not today. He could rest without any sense of guilt.
It was strange how quickly depression could settle in. One day he could be fine, the next feel like this. A bit of a mystery really. Brains were weird. But if he was really honest with himself, this had been building for a while. Ever since Jamie had told him he was thinking of going to Canada. No, before that. Ever since Archie’s funeral. He sighed. OK then. Ever since Jade had left him. How his happiness had come to be so tied up with her he didn’t know. Surely it couldn’t be good to be that dependent on one person.
Food was the last thing his stomach wanted, but he forced down another energy bar just so he wouldn’t starve, and lay back down, pulling his sleeping bag over his head again. It was actually a relief to know that he didn’t have to be anywhere. Didn’t have to pretend to anyone that he was OK. No need to turn up to work as if everything was normal.
It wasn’t that he was dependent on one person, he realised. He was dependent on lots of other people. He needed a support network to get him through the bad times. He always had. And his life recently just seemed to be like that big stone that had chucked him in the river. Whenever he seemed to be on a sure footing, something would twist and he would end up going under.