The waitress pointed to the menu with her pen. “The drinks are on the back.”
Jordan flipped over her menu and studied the drink list.
Jeremy ordered first, citing the first thing on the list. “I’ll have Horchata with lime.”
“What is that?” Jordan asked.
“I don’t know but it’s fun to say,” Jeremy said.
“What’s this Tofurky?” Jordan asked.
The waitress said, “It’s thanksgiving in a bottle. It smells and tastes like turkey and gravy, but it’s really meatless. Made out of tofu.”
“Liquid turkey and gravy,” Jordan mused. “No, thanks. I’ll have this Chari-tea instead.”
Amy asked, “What’s the Real Eel?”
“Just what it says,” the waitress said.
“Okay, I’ll have a Lemon-Aid.”
“Good choice.” The waitress and her potato bag dress crinkled away.
“If the drinks were that difficult how is figuring out what to eat going to be?” Amy said.
“Good question,” Jordan said. She pointed at the menu, “Do you want to split the deer penis appetizer? I’ve heard it’s good for the libido.”
Quicker than Samantha Stephens could wiggle her nose there was a flash of white and Petronella was sitting in their booth. “Stay away from anything with squirrel in the title,” she said.
“Petronella? How did you… Where did you…” Jordan stammered. “What are you doing here?”
“I am here celebrating with Irma,” Petronella said. She gestured to the other side of the room. Irma, sitting at a table, had a big smile on her face. She waved. Jordan limply waved back.
“What are you celebrating?” Amy asked cheerfully.
“Our anniversary,” Petronella said.
Jordan said, “Your what?”
Petronella smiled. “We have been together for nineteen hours. We are deliciously happy. We are in love.”
Jeremy piped in, “Sex is a mood enhancer. It raises your serotonin levels and causes you to think you’re in love.”
Petronella glared at him. “Men,” she scoffed. “They know nothing of the heart. Only the penis.”
“I beg your pardon. My penis is quite romantic,” Jeremy said.
“As I was saying,” Petronella said to Jordan, throwing Jeremy one last scalding look, “I want to thank you for introducing me to Irma. She is amazing. She has helped me realize my potential as a woman, a feminist, a poet, a teacher and now as a performance artist. She has made me realize how extraordinary I am.”
“I had no idea that you didn’t realize you were extraordinary,” Jordan said.
“I didn’t know my full potential until I was drowning in paint, on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Then along came Irma,” Petronella said. She actually had glistening eyes.
Jordan handed her a napkin. Petronella dabbed at her happy tears.
“All this in only nineteen hours?” Amy said.
Jordan explained, “Nineteen hours in lesbian time is like three years in normal time. They’ve probably already moved in together.”
Petronella nodded. “We adopted a kitten this morning.”
“Holy shit,” Amy said.
“You don’t like kittens?” Petronella said, aghast.
“It’s not that. It’s him.” Amy pointed to the entrance just as Chad stumbled through the front door. “I have to hide before he sees me.” Amy slipped under the table and hid in the first place she could find – under Petronella’s skirt.
“Oh!” Petronella said.
“Sorry,” Amy said, burrowing further between Petronella’s thighs. “Pretend I’m not here.”
Petronella giggled.
“Since when did you become a giggler?” Jordan said.
Chad lurched up to their table. He was wearing only his hospital gown which was flapping open in the back. His left hand was bandaged and tubes were sticking out of both arms. His hair was standing on end and he had a glazed, feral look in his eyes.
“Where is she? Where have you taken her?” Chad pointed a finger at Jeremy. Then he realized he didn’t have a finger on that hand. He lifted his other hand and pointed that finger. “Tell me what you’ve done with my Amy,” he threatened.
“Dude, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jeremy said. “You shouldn’t be here. Your non-finger can’t take the stress.”
Chad leaned over the table and waved his bandaged hand around. “You know where she is!” Jordan, Petronella and Jeremy had to bob and weave to keep from getting bitch-slapped. Chad leaned closer, pushing his nose into Jordan’s face. He slurred, “She’s mine. Where have you taken her, you, you, lezebel? I’ve warned you. Stay away from her. She’s mine.” He straightened up and thumped his chest like Tarzan, yelling, “Mine, mine, mine.”
“Who is this mad man?” Petronella said, patting Amy’s head to reassure her.
The waitress in the crinkly dress flew over with a man dressed in an Astroturf three piece suit.
“Sir, you can’t be in here,” Astroturf said. He pulled Chad by the arm, trying to guide him toward the door.
Chad stumbled and jerked his arm away. “And why the hell not?” Chad spit. “I’m a customer. Customers are always right.”
“You don’t have any pants on and we have very firm rules about that,” Astroturf said.
“She isn’t wearing pants,” Chad said, pointing at the waitress.
“Yes, sir, but her dress is covering her butt. Your dress, sir, does not,” Astroturf said.
Chad looked over his left shoulder in an attempt to see his own butt. He spun in circles like a dog chasing his own tail. The spinning made him dizzy and he was flung out of his own orbit and into the next table. Dishes and silverware and chairs clattered and crashed to the floor. Chad toppled on top of two diners and they all fell to the floor in one giant heap.
Jeremy said, “I think we should leave. Now.”
“I agree,” Petronella said.
“But how are we going to get Amy out of here without her being seen by him?” Jordan whispered conspiratorially.
“Yeah. How?” came Amy’s muffled response.
“Under my skirt,” Petronella said. “Amy, stay as low as you can, hold on to my thighs and walk with me. You two,” she nodded to Jeremy and Jordan, “walk with me also. And act natural.”
They began a slow, plodding march to the door. Petronella walked with her back arched, her legs splayed far apart and her skirt billowing out in front of her where Amy’s head bobbed up and down with each step. Jordan and Jeremy held on to Petronella’s elbows steadying her.
“Make way,” Jeremy said. “She’s having her baby.”
“Good cover,” Jordan whispered. She said louder, “Watch out. Pregnant lady coming through.”
More crashing sounded behind them as Chad got up and pinged off tables and diners like a steel ball in a pinball machine.
The waitress opened the front door for them. “Oh, I am so sorry about this. Please do come back when we don’t have a Zombie on the premises,” she said.
Amy laughed from under the skirt. Petronella thunked Amy on the head.
The waitress looked at Petronella’s baby bump. “Did your baby just laugh?”
Petronella smiled and said, “My baby is very advanced.”
At that moment, Petronella’s white Mercedes skidded to a stop right in front of them. Irma smiled from behind the wheel. Jeremy opened the back door and Amy and Petronella jumped inside. No sooner had Petronella pulled her door shut than Irma mashed her foot to the gas and the car squealed out of the parking lot.
Jordan and Jeremy were left staring after the disappearing car.
After a heart-thudding turn onto the main road, Amy poked her head out from under Petronella’s skirt. She crawled into the seat and peered out the back window. “But what about the others?” she said.
“No worries.” Irma drove with one hand and dialed a cell phone with the other. After a moment, Irma said, “Agent Jordan, this is Black Bishop and
Ice Queen. We have your package.”
After a brief pause, Irma said, “Black Bishop will take care of package. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to lead Mad Man in Dress on wild goose chase.”
Another pause, then, “Black Bishop signing off. Over and out.”
Amy stared wide-eyed at Irma. “Who are you?”
Irma winked at Amy in the rearview mirror. “Irma is Black Bishop, a sleeper agent for Mother Russia. Do not worry. You are in good hands.”
Petronella stared adoringly at Irma. She whispered to Amy out the side of her mouth, “Isn’t she thrilling?”
Martini Time
Amy sat in a chaise lounge with a wet towel draped over her forehead. She felt damaged, seriously damaged - like she might need some therapy time damaged.
“I am so sorry that happened to you,” Jordan said as Amy’s head screamed in pain. “No one should ever be subjected to that. The CIA should be informed of that torture method. It could crack any terrorist inside of thirty minutes.”
They were out in the backyard of Jordan’s house. Jordan had made Amy sit in the lawn furniture outside rather than risk letting her see the inside of the unfinished house.
After being rescued from P.C.’s, Petronella had taken Amy to her house and locked her in the study. She then proceeded to read aloud every poem she had ever written. Irma was overjoyed. Amy, not so much. Three hours later, Irma delivered Amy back to Jordan’s house.
Amy, her thirst for poetry sated, vowed to never go near another poem. Dr. Seuss included.
“Why didn’t you just grab the key and run?”Edison said, bringing Amy a lemon-lime martini. Amy had never had a martini. She’d never had the need for a stiff drink until now. Of course, she’d never been locked in a room with an egomaniacal poet either.
Amy pulled the cold compress from her forehead, sipped her martini, and put the cold compress back on her head. “Because Petronella had put the key in her underpants for safekeeping. You also might be interested to know, her panties have kittens and puppies on them. I spent some time under her skirt, remember,” Amy said.
“When did Petronella start wearing skirts?” Edison said.
“A better question is: when did she start wearing underwear,” Jordan said.
“Let me explain because I know all about it,” Amy said, sitting up and taking another sip of the martini. It was starting to help. “She said skirts address her more feminine nature and she is practicing wearing them so she can whip them off during the performance to reveal her vinyl paint suit.”
Edison and Jordan let that soak in.
“And,” Amy continued, “The puppies and kittens remind her that it’s okay to weak and vulnerable. It’s all a part of the cycle of life. Or something like that.”
“Were her teeth still blue?” Edison asked.
“They did have a bluish tinge to them, now that you mention it,” Amy said with an involuntary shiver.
Jordan took a sip of Amy’s martini. She didn’t normally drink martinis, but it was dawning on her that Amy was at her house, well, sitting in the backyard, and this wasn’t how she’d imagined Amy seeing her house for the first time. She’d wanted the house to be finished and ready to showcase, not in this state of disrepair. She was afraid that Amy would equate the chaos of the house with the inside of Jordan. She wouldn’t be far off either, Jordan mused as she drained the martini.
“Edison, maybe you should make Amy another martini,” Jordan said handing over the empty glass.
“I’ll make you one, too.”
“I don’t drink martinis,” Jordan said.
“O-k-a-y,” Edison said, tromping back up to the house.
Jordan’s stomach rumbled. She was starving and had to eat soon. Maybe she could fix Amy dinner and light some candles and Amy wouldn’t be able to see what the house looked like in the candlelight. It might even be romantic.
Edison returned with two martinis. She handed them both to Amy. “Just in case you need another one.” She cocked her head in Jordan’s direction.
“Thank you. I’m feeling a little better. I think the vodka is making the buzzing noise in my head go away,” Amy said.
Edison sat in a nearby lawn chair. Jordan looked at Edison and tried to communicate something with her eyes. Edison shook her head like she didn’t understand. Jordan used her head to gesture toward the house. Edison raised her eyebrows in a questioning expression. Amy watched the entire exchange.
“What are you two doing?” Amy asked.
Jordan stuttered, “Uh… Oh, Edison, aren’t you going to be late?”
“Late?” Edison said. “For what?”
“You know… that thing.”
“Thing?”
“Yes, that thing,” Jordan said forcefully. “That thing you do every week at this exact same time.”
Finally, it dawned on Edison that Jordan wanted her to leave. “Oh! That thing.” Edison rose to her feet. “I better hurry. Bye, Amy.”
“Are you sure you have to rush off?” Amy said.
“Well,” Edison wavered, starting to sit back down. “I could maybe stay for --”
Jordan quickly interrupted, “No, you can’t stay, you have to go. You know how they get when you’re late.”
Edison hopped back up. “Right. They get really…”
“Mad,” Jordan filled in.
“Sad,” Edison said at the same time.
“I mean sad,” Jordan said.
“Mad,” Edison said at the same time. “Sad and mad. As an afterthought, she threw in, “And glad.”
“Please don’t rhyme anymore. I can’t take any more rhyming,” Amy said while massaging her temples.
Edison laughed nervously and took several steps backwards. “So, goodbye!” She turned and trotted off toward the house, leaving Jordan and Amy alone.
Jordan chuckled and said, “Edison is brilliant, but sometimes a little dense.”
“You really care for her, though,” Amy said. “And she cares for you.”
“Yeah,” Jordan said. “I’m pretty lucky to have her for a friend.”
“Jeremy and Isabel are the closest friends I’ve ever had. Med school was so competitive that it was dangerous to get too close to anybody.” She sipped her martini.
“How about at work?” Jordan said. She sipped Amy’s other martini.
“We’re all friendly, but not friends, you know? There’s still some climbing to do if you want to be head of a department or position yourself to get into a cushy clinic. So people don’t let other get too close.”
“Are you still climbing?” Jordan wasn’t sure how Amy felt about her career. What if having a girlfriend jeopardized her plans?
Amy responded, “The only other place I would consider working is Urgent Care. I like hands on. I’m not interested in becoming the next director of Human Services and Surgery. I leave that to people like Chad. Even Jeremy just wants to help people. That’s why we can be friends. He wants to eventually go overseas and do that third world thing. I couldn’t take the food.”
Jordan’s smile widened. She leaned in and kissed Amy lightly on the lips. “So having a girlfriend isn’t going to mess up your life plan?”
“No, silly.”
Jordan made her monumental decision. If Amy was willing to share her life with Jordan then a remodeled house that was stuck in the nightmare stage shouldn’t stop her. “Would you like to come inside? If you promise to ignore the shambles of remodeling, I promise to not blindfold you. I can make us something to eat.”
At the mention of eating, Amy’s stomach growled loudly. She giggled. “I think that was a definite yes.”
“Okay,” Jordan said, draining the last of the martini. “Just remember the house is a work in progress.”
“Aren’t we all,” Amy said.
Pizza Sauce
Once inside the house Amy was truly awed. The grand central staircase, albeit, in need of refinishing, spoke of women in long, flowing dresses descending to be embraced in their
lovers’ arms only to be carried back up the stairs in a fit of unbridled passion. The stained glass windows on the first landing were still intact and the light that filtered through made the front hall look enchanting.
“This is the most beautiful home I’ve ever seen,” Amy said reverently.
“That’s the living room,” Jordan said and pointed in its general direction. “Dining room is over there,” she pointed again. “The second floor has four bedrooms. One is Irma’s unless she’s moved into Petronella’s already. And the other is Edison’s. Two unoccupied. The third floor is Edison’s laboratory and we won’t talk about that and the attic is my studio with a bed. Someday, I will have a master suite.”
“I am only going to let you get away with cutting the tour short because I’m starving,” Amy said.
“The kitchen is this way,” Jordan said.
The once grand kitchen looked like a post-earthquake scene from a 1970’s disaster movie. Amy half-expected Charlton Heston to jump out of the pantry, with a torn and blood splattered shirt, and yell, “Ladies first!” while tossing them out of the burning building.
Amy looked at the bright side. “It’s like starting out with a clean slate. This kitchen can become anything you desire.”
Jordan liked Amy’s optimism. “The stove still functions. We just have to keep to simple fare. I thought we’d have pizza. Of course, pizza isn't the only thing I can cook, you know," Jordan said, opening a box and taking out a frozen pepperoni pizza.
Amy was amazed that Jordan could find her way to the stove much less use it. The cabinets were on the floor, the counters were nothing but make-shift plywood on sawhorses and the stove was shoehorned half inside the pantry, making fully opening its door an impossibility. No wonder she was only cooking a pizza, it was the only thing she could slide in the oven. And to even accomplish that she had to hold the pizza vertically and insert it like a coin into a vending machine.
"Oh?" Amy said. "Are you a good cook? Because I have to be honest, I’m horrible. I even burn Ramen noodles."
"Frozen pizza is my specialty," Jordan said, wiping her hands on a dishrag. "But hot dogs are my culinary masterpiece."
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