Jordan darted across a street without looking. A car’s headlights blinded her for an instant and just like the proverbial deer, she blinked and froze. The car screeched its brakes and the driver laid on the horn. Jordan regained her senses and leaped out of the way, but she was too late. The car slammed into her.
Jordan rolled over the hood of the car. She landed on her feet, thank God, nothing seemed broken. There was going to be a big bruise on her hip tomorrow and she stubbed her toe, but that appeared to be the extent of the damage.
Jordan briefly wondered if she had tried to kill herself. Maybe her subconscious was trying to put her smashed heart out of its misery.
The car door opened. "Jordan, is that you?"
Jordan spun around, expecting to see Amy, actually hoping that it was Amy so she could give her a piece of her mind - so she could scream “Why did you do this thing to my heart? I may be a lesbian but I still have feelings just like everyone else. Can’t you see I love you?”
But it wasn’t Amy after all.
"Petronella?" Jordan said. "How did you find me?"
“I did not find you, Jordan. I was simply driving my car and you found me.”
“Are you stalking me?”
“I would’ve thought after that paint episode you’d finally believe me. I am not stalking nor have I ever stalked you. I am no Kinsey Milhone, but it would appear that the crazy man in the hospital gown is a better stalking candidate than I.”
Jordan felt like an overloaded fuse box. But instead of a switch shutting off, sparks flew everywhere and exploded. “I don’t care!” Jordan yelled. “You’re all the same. You take and take and take, then throw me away! I was nothing to you and I was nothing to her either!”
"Jordan, calm down," Petronella said softly. "You are obviously upset. And wet. And walking the streets with nothing but a towel to cover your nakedness."
Jordan wiped at her eyes. She hiccupped. "Yeah, well, tell me something I don’t know."
Petronella said, "Without footwear your feet will be cut and bruised."
"Again, I'm aware of that.”
Petronella walked around to the passenger side of her white Mercedes and opened the door. She stood patiently like the footman who escorted Cinderella to the ball. When Jordan didn't move, Petronella asked, "Would you care for a ride?"
Jordan thought about it.
Petronella waited for an answer.
Jordan didn’t have to think too long. The decision was an easy one. It was over five miles to her house and she didn't have a phone on her and she was mostly naked.
Jordan shivered. "You'll take me straight home?" She was fearful that Petronella would hog tie her and read all her poetry for the second time in one day. She didn’t think even Petronella was capable of that but who knew?
"Of course,” Petronella said with a smile. "Where else would I take you? It is not like you are dressed for an evening at the theatre." She laughed.
Jordan nodded and climbed into the passenger seat. Petronella closed her door and climbed behind the wheel. She turned on the heat, put the car in gear and drove.
Jordan peered through the dark interior of the car at Petronella's profile. Her every feature was angular and harsh. It was like her face had been cut out of cardstock with an Exacto knife. Had she really found her attractive once? Had she really loved this woman? Or was she simply in love with the idea of Petronella being in love with her? Was that how Amy felt about her - that she loved the idea of having someone hang on her every word, kiss her soft lips and want to take her to bed? And why was she asking so many questions?
And now Petronella was saving her despite being interrogated and paint-balled. Whoever was in charge of the universe was one strange dude. Petronella pulled her car into the driveway of Jordan's house. She put the car in park, but left the engine running.
Jordan reached for her door handle. "Thank you, Petronella. I owe you one.”
“Jordan?” Petronella gripped the steering wheel with both hands and stared straight ahead. She said, "You were wrong. You meant a lot to me. I loved you. I did a lot of things wrong in our relationship. I know that now. But…” She turned to look at Jordan. “I thought you should know that. That you were loved.”
Jordan couldn’t speak past the lump in her throat. She nodded. She opened the door and got out. She leaned back inside and said. “Sorry for the paint thing. I hope the dentist can whiten your teeth.”
Petronella smiled. “Ha, that was one time I should’ve kept my mouth shut. Goodbye, Jordan.”
Jordan shut the door and watched as Petronella drove away. It crossed her mind that Petronella had said goodbye and not good night. She traipsed across the lawn and to the front door. She rang the bell.
Edison opened the door and stared. “Oh my God, what happened to you?”
Edison’s voice sounded so caring, so genuine, that was all Jordan needed to burst into tears. Edison pulled her into the house and shut the door. She held her in her arms while she sobbed.
After a few moments, Jordan sobs quieted to whimpers.
“What happened?” Edison asked as she patted her back and wiped away her tears.
“Everything happened,” Jordan said. “Everything.”
The Marriage Proposal
Amy, wrapped in the towel, was sitting on the toilet. She held her head in her hands and made soft little whimpering noises like a seasick chipmunk. Isabel hoisted herself up on the cabinet and stared at Amy.
"Don't stare at me. I can feel you staring."
"Amy, look at me."
Amy peeked between her fingers at Isabel.
Isabel said, “I’m sorry. You have to know I didn’t mean to upset Jordan.”
"I know, I know," Amy said, burying her face in her hands. “This whole girl thing is so hard. Guys are easier. A lot easier.”
“You just think that because you didn’t care about the guys.”
“Yeah. You’re probably right.”
Isabel picked at a piece of imaginary lint on her pants and said, "You know, I did it with a girl once."
"You did?" Amy straightened and became all ears. "When? Where? Who?"
Isabel waved her hand like it was nothing. "Oh, back in college. Some softball player had the hots for me. She plied me with peppermint schnapps and we got friendly in my room."
“What was it like?”
"Kinda fun," Isabel said with a shrug. "Except she wanted a relationship and I didn't."
"I want a relationship. With Jordan," Amy said mournfully.
“We can fix it. I can explain to Jordan that you despise Chad and I was only warning you. It’s the truth, she has to believe it.”
“What if she doesn’t? I wasn’t exactly forth coming about Chad when he came to the restaurant. I should have told her he was crazy and that we went out once. Now it looks like I was trying to cover up my relationship with him. That I was using her to get him.”
The doorbell rang. Amy and Isabel both looked toward the ding-donging. "That'll be Chad. You want me to get rid of him for you?" Isabel asked.
Amy shook her head. "No. I better do it or he'll never stop. Can you let him in while I get dressed?"
"Sure," Isabel said. She hopped off the counter and was turning to the door when it flew open. There was a loud crunch as the doorknob punched through the wall behind it.
Chad stood in the doorway, snorting like Ferdinand the Bull. He pawed the ground with one foot and looked from Amy to Isabel and back to Amy again. He looked psychotic with his eyes rolling around in his head and he was still wearing the filthy hospital gown. His hair was even more rats-nesty and there was a definite pungent odor surrounding him.
"What are you doing?" Amy finally asked, wrapping her towel around her tighter. She felt at a distinct disadvantage standing naked with only a towel separating herself and her dignity.
"Where is she?" Chad snorted, looking around wildly.
"What?" Amy asked. "Who?" she also asked even though she was pretty sure she knew w
ho he was talking about.
Isabel put her hands on her hips and lifted her chin in the air. "Do you mind? We were having a private conversation and then you just burst in and break the wall? Why the hell did you ring the doorbell if you’re just going to barge in anyway?"
"Do you mind?" Chad echoed her like they were grade school again. "I would like to have a private conversation with my fiancée. And I rang the doorbell because it was the polite thing to do.”
"Fiancee?" Amy said.
“Can you give us a moment, please?” Chad said.
Isabel looked to Amy. Amy nodded.
Isabel poked one finger into Chad's chest and said, "One minute and that’s it. I got my eye on you, Bub. You mess with Amy and I'll go Sweeny Todd all over your ass."
"Sweeney Todd?" Chad asked. He lurched and slurred. “Who’s she? Another lesbo?”
Isabel continued, "You so much as look at her cross-eyed and Chad will be the other white meat."
"What's that mean?" he said, backing into the hallway.
Isabel squinted in her most menacing manner and poked him a few more times, saying, "Chad. It's what's for dinner."
"Huh?" he said, more confused than ever. He put his hand on the door frame to steady himself.
Isabel back down the hallway, pointing two finger to her eyes, then pointing the two fingers at Chad in the universal "I'm watching you" signal.
Chad stumbled back into the bathroom. Amy took a step back and tightened the towel around her body again.
Chad dramatically dropped to one knee and bowed his head as if he were waiting to be knighted by a king. He lifted one hand into the air. There was a diamond ring glittering in the palm of his hand. He looked up at her from under his eyebrows and smiled.
Amy almost laughed at the absurdity of it all. “How on earth did you get that? In your condition, I wouldn’t think anyone would sell you a diamond.”
“I’ve had it. I bought it a long time ago so I’d be ready when the girl of my dreams came along. Besides it was marked down during a going out of business sale. See, I’m fish-oily responsible too.”
“Fish-Oily?”
“Fiscally. I meant fiscally.” Chad blinked away actual, honest-to-God tears. "Will you marry me?" he whispered. "Will you become Mrs. Chad Dorring?"
Amy stared wide-eyed. Her brain simply wasn't processing this turn of events.
"I've wanted you all along, you know," he said. "And I can tell you want me, too. No matter what they're saying about you."
"Who? What're they saying?" she asked.
"That you're a dyke. But don't worry. I told everyone you weren't."
Amy stared at Chad’s face. That shit-eating grin. That simple dimple. That toothy smile that blinged even brighter than the diamond ring in his outstretched palm. Something deep inside her broke open. She had never been too great at math, but she could add two and two. The stalker was Chad. It finally made sense. Jordan’s stalker was Chad, not Petronella. How stupid could she be? “How stupid do you think I am?” she said.
Chad blinked. “Excuse me?”
“You slashed Jordan’s bike tires. You put bible signs in her yard. You put poop on her porch and lit it on fire. You come into my house, uninvited, and make green goopy stuff and get your finger snapped off by a lobster. You interrupt a perfectly romantic evening between me and my date. And all you can say is ‘marry me?’”
“I love you?” he said more like a question.
“You don’t know the meaning of love. You have never loved anybody but yourself, Chad Dorring. And I think you are a despicable pile of dog doody and I wouldn’t stomp you out if you were on fire. Now move out of my way.”
Chad rose to his feet and stretched out both of his arms, blocking the doorway. “You’re not going after her.”
“Get out of my way.”
Chad stood his ground. He cleared his throat, then said, “It’s either me or her.”
Amy couldn’t believe her ears. Was this sicko really offering her a Sophie’s Choice moment? Without further delay, Amy said simply, “Her.”
“You’ll regret saying that,” Chad sputtered.
A tiny drop of Chad’s spittle hit her in the face. She wiped it away with the back of her hand. Amy had a notoriously long fuse. But once it blew, it was worse than an atom bomb. She wadded up her fist and did something she had wanted to do ever since she first laid eyes on Chad. She socked him right square in the butt-chin.
Chad’s eyes rolled back in his head and he slumped to the floor. Amy stepped over his body and ran for the front door.
Amy Runs
Amy ran out the front door, thinking about the movie The Graduate. She felt like she was Dustin Hoffman’s character, Benjamin Braddock. Not the Benjamin that slept with an older woman at the beginning of the movie. She felt more like the Benjamin that ran after Elaine and pounded on the glass at the church and grabbed the bride and rode off into the sunset by bus at the end of the movie. However, Benjamin had been wearing shoes. He had on pants. All Amy had on was a towel. She only ran as far as the corner when she stopped. She turned and began to limp back home.
A car pulled up alongside her. Great, Amy thought, just frickin’ frackin’ great. This was exactly what she didn’t need. She kept her eyes straight ahead. She didn’t want to give the driver any more ideas.
“Hop in,” the driver said.
Amy looked over at the car. Isabel was behind the wheel of her Jeep, motioning for her to get in.
“What’re you doing?” Amy said.
“Are we going to go get the woman you love or not?”
Amy smiled and hopped in the car. Isabel gestured to a gym bag in the back seat. “My workout clothes are in that bag. They’re clean. Put them on.”
“Thank you,” Amy said. “I’ll name my first born after you.”
“I hope it’s not a boy,” Isabel said, “Or he’ll get beat up a lot at school.”
Amy opened the gym bag and pulled on a pair of baggy gray sweat pants and a T-shirt. Isabel threw the car into D, saying, “Let’s do this thing.” She peeled off down the street.
Amy looked out the back window. "You're not going to believe this," she said, "but Chad is running after us."
"This whole thing about you being with a woman has sent him into hyper-drive," Isabel said.
Isabel took the next corner without slowing down, leaving Chad standing in the middle of the street waving the wedding ring up in the air. It caught the light from the street lamp and flashed. He resembled a deranged Statue of Liberty.
As they drove across town, Amy got cold feet. “What am I going to say to Jordan? I mean we almost had sex and then my not-boyfriend comes over and proposes to me. Think how that must look to her.”
Isabel snapped her fingers like she just had an eureka of an idea. “I know! You’ll tell her the truth.”
“What, that I got drunk and slept with him once and now he’s got this idea in his head that we’re going to get married.”
“Don’t forget the banana peel part,” Isabel added.
“Thanks for reminding me,” Amy said, plucking Isabel’s phone out of her purse.
“What are you doing?” Isabel said.
“I should try and call her first. Maybe she doesn’t want to see me yet.”
“You’re not chickening out are you?”
“No, I’m evaluating. I need to know what I’m up against. I mean how would you feel if this just happened to you?”
Isabel considered it. “Well, I’d be pretty mad because I’d feel like I’d been played.”
“It looks like that doesn’t it?”
Isabel raised her eyebrows. “Kinda,” she admitted.
“So I don’t think going over there while she’s angry is such a good idea.”
“Okay, I think you’re right on this one. You should call her and see what the temperature is.”
Amy poised one finger over the phone’s keypad. “If she asks me to explain, what do I say?”
“Duh.
That Chad is a stalking mad man and you’re not getting married.”
Amy took a deep breath and called. It went right to voice mail like she knew it would. She hung up.
“Text her instead. She won’t be able to not look at it,” Isabel said. “It’s a scientific fact.”
“Okay. But what do I say?”
“That Chad is a stalking mad man and you’re not getting married.”
Amy quickly typed that in.
Only five seconds passed before she got a return text. It read, “Fuck you.”
“I think she’s mad.”
“Ya think? Ask if you can see her,” Isabel said.
“We need to talk. Can I see you?” Amy typed.
The return, “Still fuck you.”
“This isn’t good,” Amy said.
“What now?”
“Take me to her house. Benjamin didn’t get Elaine by giving up.”
“Who’s Benjamin? Who’s Elaine?”
“Can’t you drive any faster?”
Isabel laughed gleefully and put the pedal to the metal.
Blue Amy II
Isabel and Amy pulled up in front of Jordan’s house a mere two minutes and seventeen seconds later. The entire house was dark. That meant Jordan was either gone, asleep, sitting in the dark or pretending to be gone or asleep. “She’s gone,” Amy said with a groan. “She must have sensed I was on my way and left.”
“Nah, I bet she’s in there hiding from you,” Isabel said. “That’s what I’d do.” She opened the car door, got out, and peeked back inside at Amy. “C’mon, let’s go pound on the door until she gets sick of us and opens it.”
“You’re going with me?”
“Of course. Jordan has her homies, you’re going to need yours.”
“What do you mean?” Amy said.
“You need a back-up. I’ll be your muscle.”
Amy figured her cause was already lost if all the muscle she could round up came in the form of Isabel. Knowing she didn’t have anything else to lose, she got out of the car and followed Isabel.
Isabel marched up to the front door on the balls of her toes like a professional wrestler who was ready to throw the competition in a headlock. In direct contrast, Amy slunk to the front door like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs.
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