His.
God, I like the way that sounds. Maybe a little too much. But he doesn’t understand my reasons for staying. It’s certainly not for love and devotion for Cal. Alex must take my silence for an answer.
“That’s what I thought.” Sadness briefly clouds his beautiful eyes before he looks away and locks himself away in his bunk. I don’t move, standing in my spot for God knows how long. My brain is telling me to stay away. There’s too much riding on my marriage with Cal. But my heart is telling me to run with it. Get off this bus, leave Cal, and never look back. My whole life I’ve been able to put a lid over my heart, surrounding it with a thick concrete wall to prevent it from interfering with my decisions. Why is it so hard now? No matter how hard I try, when it comes to Alex, the walls are crumbling down piece by piece. The thumping of my heart gets louder and louder telling me that I’m alive. That the part I buried and tried to kill off long ago to protect myself still exists. I know with that kiss, there will be no shutting my heart out again. The question is if I’m strong enough to die a little inside each day knowing that the one thing I need to make me happy is the very thing I can’t have.
WE ARRIVED HOME last night and Alex and I haven’t said two words to each other since our last encounter on the bus. I hate this unsettled feeling between us, this awkwardness that was never there is very present. I just wish I knew how to fix it. I need to fix it. I miss him. I miss us.
I’m walking past the closed door of Cal’s cigar room when I hear him laughing. I haven’t seen him since I woke up this morning, so I thought he’d already gone into work. I’m not sure why I stop to listen, maybe it’s the carefree way he laughed that seems so unusual coming from his mouth, so out of character.
“Yes, I should be at the office in an hour.” I’m assuming he’s on the phone when there’s a pause where he’s probably listening to whoever is on the other end. He laughs again in a way that suggests there’s a familiarity between them. It’s like the kind of laugh you’d share among close friends or someone you’re in a relationship with. I’ve never been the recipient of such a laugh. “Me too. I look forward to seeing you. Bye, Mona.” At the mention of Mona’s name, my whole body stiffens. That’s who he’s talking to? Why was he talking to her on his personal phone at home? His voice was warm, and friendly.
Intimate.
Maybe I’m just paranoid, but I just have a weird feeling about the two of them. I snort to myself thinking of the irony of my speculation. God, if he ever found out I kissed Alex he would flip his shit. Especially if he knew how much I liked it. I don’t want to even think about what he’d do to me. The rattling of the doorknob has me rushing off quietly down the hall to hide the fact that I was eavesdropping on Cal. I breathe a sigh of relief when I make it around the corner undetected. When I’m sure he’s gone, I turn back around the corner only to collide into a solid surface. The fresh, clean smell that hits my senses automatically calms me from my startled state.
Looking up, I say, “Jesus, Alex! You scared me half to death!” My hand goes over my heart that still has an accelerated beat.
His grin makes me weak in the knees. “I can see that.” Losing the smile and returning to business, he says in a more professional tone, “Cal just left and I didn’t know where you were at, but now that I know I guess I’ll just head back down.” I can tell he’s just as unsettled about all of this as I am. He’s rambling and falling all over his words.
I hold my hand up, halting any further explanation. “Can we talk?”
He lets out a long breath. “Sure.” He steps aside, allowing me to lead us downstairs. I walk us to the kitchen, opting to take seats at the island. That seems to be his favorite spot in the house, and I want him to be as relaxed as possible around me. Right now he seems so tense.
“So . . .” I trail off. This was a terrible idea. I have no idea what to say and I’m sure I’m only making this worse.
“Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you. Twice. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me or feel like—”
“Just stop. You didn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to, so quit trying to be a damn martyr and take all the blame.” He sits up straight surprised by my directness. Then it happens. Our eyes lock and everything around us fades away, including a clear mind. He licks his lips and it’s my undoing. I grab the lapels of his suit jacket and pull him to me until our lips touch. At first he’s stiff, shocked by my sudden attack. But once I run my tongue along the seam of his lips, he caves. Soon we’re all hands and mouths, feeling and tasting. We’re drinking each other in like we’ve just hiked one-hundred miles through the Sahara. My hands become frantic as they run up and down his hard chest, trying to map out every solid plane.
His arms wrap around my waist, pulling me up off the stool and into his hard body. My hands slide under his jacket and up over his shoulders causing it to fall off. Removing his hands from my waist, he lets the jacket drop to the floor before grabbing hold of me again. He does a quarter turn so that my back is pressed against the kitchen island. Without disconnecting our lips, he hoists me on top of the counter. The sudden movement causes me to yelp in surprise, but the small noise is swallowed by his mouth. Alex parts my thighs, settling in to stand between them. The fabric of my skirt cuts into my legs as it strains against my widened position, but I couldn’t care less. My skirt could rip in two right now and it wouldn’t bother me.
Alex’s mouth leaves mine to plant kisses up and down my neck. My back arches and I moan in response when he hits the sweet spot behind me ear. A low growl rumbles up from the back of his throat sounding restrained. Grabbing hold of his tie, I pull him with me as I lie back on the counter before reattaching my lips to his. He reaches for the top button on my blouse and fumbles around with it for a few seconds. “Fuck it,” he mumbles against my lips before he takes my shirt in each hand and pulls it apart forcefully. The buttons pop and scatter across the counter and floor. It’s the sexiest thing anyone has ever done to me, and if I wasn’t wet before, I’m drenched now.
His right hand palms my bra covered breast as his other hand skims down my ribcage. I close my eyes as his mouth makes a path down my sternum, in between my breasts, and down my stomach to the waistband of my skirt. My brain picks this moment to flash the red light and warning sirens. Oh God, what the hell am I doing?
Danger.
It’s the one word I see in neon running through my mind. What will happen if Cal gets wind of this?
“A-Alex,” I stutter breathlessly.
“Hmmm,” he murmurs against my stomach.
“We . . . we need . . . to stop.” I let out a moan when he pinches my nipple, making my plea sound even more unconvincing. Gathering every bit of strength I can, I plant my hands on his chest and push him off of me. We’re both breathing heavily, looking at each other with lust-filled eyes, our desires nowhere near fulfilled.
His hands fist in his hair. “Fuck!” he shouts, looking up at the ceiling. “What is it about you?” he says in a strained voice. His eyes squeeze shut as his hands pull at the ends of his hair in frustration.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I know you were just trying to tell me that this couldn’t happen again and then I initiated it.” To be honest, I’m not sorry. This is the most alive I’ve ever felt. I won’t apologize for that, but I am sorry for the position I’ve put Alex in. He’s clearly conflicted over all of this. It’s not like I’m completely okay with it, but I can tell this battle he’s fighting is torture for him and I’m not making it any easier.
“It’s not your fault.” He looks at me and gives me that sexy half grin with an arched eyebrow. “Well, maybe this time it is.” I smile despite the seriousness of the moment, thankful that he’s added some levity to this. Sighing, he says, “So where do we go from here?” Isn’t that the million-dollar question? It’s not like we can sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen. If this was a onetime occurrence, maybe. But this seems to be happening every time we’re in close proximity of each oth
er alone.
“I’m going to go change since my shirt is, uh,” I look down at it, “ruined.” The small smirk that crosses his face doesn’t escape me. “Then I’m going to come back to the living room and watch some trashy TV Would you like to join me?”
Expelling another sigh, he says, “Yeah, I’ll meet you back down here. I’ve got a situation myself that needs . . . readjusting.” My eyes trail down his chest, his abdomen, and stop when I see exactly what he’s referring to. His pants are tented, his erection straining against his zipper painfully so. My cheeks flush and I quickly look away, but internally I’m giving myself a high five knowing that I affect him just as much as he does me. Biting my lip, I turn and head for my bedroom so I can change my shirt.
Once I’m in the privacy of my room, I allow what happened to wash over me. The pull between Alex and I is undeniable, and it obviously isn’t one sided. There’s an electricity that continuously hums, growing stronger, when we’re around each other. God help me, but I desperately seek what he gives me. The comfort, the attention, the way he smiles at me, the way he searches my soul with his blue eyes, the way he seems to see me when no one else in my life does, and his touch. One simple touch from him sends my body into a frenzy and my brain stops functioning. All I’m able to do is feel and live in the moment, consequences be damned.
I quickly throw on another blouse and go downstairs, my mind no clearer now than it was when I came up here. When I enter the living room, I can tell Alex is in the same state as I am. He’s sitting on the couch, elbows on his knees, hands clasped together, and his head hanging low. I clear my throat so I don’t startle him. His head turns to the side and what I see takes my breath away. Sitting before me is a man so strong, yet so vulnerable. I see it in the rawness of his stare that this is long from over between us. The embers set ablaze haven’t been dowsed for a second; if anything they’re simmering, ready to ignite an inferno.
Taking a deep breath to clear my thoughts, I walk over to the couch and have a seat. There’s a whole cushion separating us, and it’s too close yet too far. “I hope you’re ready for some life altering television,” I say, trying to get us back to where we were before we let our bodies make all the decisions.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” I can tell he’s less than enthused probably guessing that I’m about to turn on some brain cell killing reality television.
And he’d be right in his assumption.
I flip through the recordings on my DVR until I come to the latest episode of The Real Housewives of D.C. Alex snorts next to me when I click play. “Life altering, huh?” he deadpans.
“Hey, don’t judge me.” I squint my eyes at him and pretend to be offended even though I’m not. I really don’t know how I got sucked into these shows. Maybe on some level watching these train wrecks makes me feel slightly better about my life. Although, I’m not sure if my life is any worse or less complicated than theirs is at this point.
He puts his hands up in surrender. “No judgment here. I’m actually looking forward to it. I can’t wait to see who flips a table next,” he says in a girly voice that has me laughing. We watch the first five minutes until we fall into conversation. I learn a lot about him and his family. It’s clear his sister, Angela, holds a special place in his heart. It’s endearing to hear him talk about her with such reverence, the warmth in his eyes giving away how much he loves and misses her. His devotion to his family is something I can relate to and completely understand. After all, it’s that devotion that has me stuck in this hell I call my life.
My eyes travel over his profile as he speaks and they stop on the scar along his jaw. I’ve always been curious about what happened, but have been too afraid to ask thinking that it was too personal or inappropriate to do so. After what has transpired between us lately, I suppose that no longer applies.
“Can I ask what happened right there?” I point to his scar. The tender expression quickly vanishes and turns into something darker, sadder, more haunted. He’s good at masking it though, because it disappears just as fast.
“Just an accident. It’s no big deal.” His voice is detached, cold, telling me he’s holding back and this is a topic he doesn’t want to talk about.
Looking down, slightly embarrassed for asking, all I say is, “Oh.”
I see him rub the back of his neck from the corner of my eye. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s just a time in my life I don’t like to remember. I got this while I was deployed. We got into some shit, ran over an IED, and a piece of shrapnel caught me in the jaw. I was lucky.” I’m taken aback that he finds that lucky, but the pain in his eyes tells me that it could’ve been a lot worse. That maybe it was a lot worse.
“It’s okay, but I’m here if you ever need to talk.” I leave it at that and turn my attention back toward the television, not wanting to upset him by digging deeper. His mood goes back to the way it was, and soon we’re talking like I never brought it up.
Even though we’ve moved on to other topics of conversation, I can’t get that look out of my head. He looked so lost, pained, sad.
Broken.
I guess we’re both broken in our own way. His seems to stem from something more traumatic, but maybe that’s what’s drawing us in. We recognize the brokenness in each other. Maybe we can find all of our pieces and help to make each other whole.
A RATTLING NOISE wakes me, causing my eyes to fly open. Alex stands up quickly and moves in front of me in a protective stance, watching the door carefully to see who is entering. I hear his voice before he enters, and Alex and I both relax when we realize it’s Cal fumbling with the doorknob. Looking at the clock I see that it’s already six o’clock, which means I’ve been asleep for roughly two hours or so. Alex spins around to sit in one of the opposing chairs, his bloodshot eyes telling me he was probably snoozing too.
“Were you sleeping on the job, Mr. Matthews?” I whisper to him.
One eyebrow quirks up before he says, “Well, if someone wasn’t boring the shit out of me with their crappy TV, then maybe I wouldn’t have passed out.” I’m about to sass him back when Cal enters the room.
“Did you do anything useful today, Elizabeth?” I’m about to recite the same list of things I do daily when the day’s events flash through my head on repeat. Me kissing Alex. Taking his jacket off. Holy shit, him ripping my shirt in half! I’m getting hot flashes now just thinking about it. “Are you sick? You look a little flush.” Cal’s head tilts to the side a little. I reflexively bring my hands up to my cheeks to feel that they are warm, but it’s not from being sick. I feel Alex drilling holes into the side of my face with his stare, but I can’t bring myself to look at him.
I clear my throat. “I’ve been feeling a little off today, but it’s nothing I’m sure.” Being the super-attentive husband that he is, he doesn’t ask any more questions about me and jumps right into himself.
“These bills are taking a little longer to vote on than I thought. We can’t get the other side to agree on anything and I have to be here for it. So we’re not going back out on the campaign until a week and half from now.” I nod knowing that he doesn’t want my input, he’s simply telling me where I’ll need to be and when. “I’m going to get in the shower before dinner.” With that, he stands and goes upstairs.
“Been a little off, huh? Seems to me like you were very much on, and I wouldn’t call what we did nothing.” When I look at Alex, his eyes are raking up and down my body. My thighs clench at the memory of him being nestled between them. I roll my eyes, trying to hide my arousal and the acknowledgment that he’s right. I’m about to go to the kitchen to start dinner and cool off a little when a vibrating noise gets my attention. Looking down at the coffee table, I see Cal’s phone lying there. It’s very rare for him to leave it anywhere since it’s usually attached to his hip. Curiosity gets the best of me and I look at the caller ID.
Mona.
The one name I didn’t want to see. Each time I push my suspicions to the b
ack of my mind, something else happens to make them rear their ugly head. First his intimate conversation with her this morning, and now she’s calling again? Voicemail picks it up, but a few seconds later there’s another ping alerting to a text message. With shaking hands, I grab the phone even though I know I shouldn’t.
Hey, love. Sorry you had to cut out early. I miss you. See you tomorrow. XO, M.
I drop the phone back onto the table as if it’s burned me. “What’s wrong?” Alex asks me. I had forgotten he was in the room.
Shaking my head I say, “Nothing.” I turn to walk away, but am stopped by a hand at my elbow.
“I thought we’ve already discussed your shitty ability to lie to me,” he says into my ear. The hairs at the back of my neck stand on end.
“I think Cal’s cheating on me.” It comes out as a whisper as if voicing it aloud makes it any more true. If I’m being honest, I’m not upset by the act of infidelity regarding Cal. It’s not like I love my husband, and I’m not under any illusions that suggest he really loves me either. I’m upset with the humiliation that comes with it. The fact that Mona knows he’s married and is sneaking behind my back. She must think I’m pathetic, weak, worthless.
A fool.
The house of cards I have carefully built is slowly crumbling down. He disrespects me in every other way, why not cheat on me too? The part that makes my stomach turn is thinking about him fucking her and coming home trying to fuck me or shove his dick in my mouth. That makes me feel nauseous.
“How do you know?” Alex asks from behind me.
“Call it woman’s intuition,” I deadpan. My body turns to face him so I can speak quietly. I don’t want Cal to overhear me. “I had a hunch about it when I walked in on a ‘meeting’ he was having with her. They looked a little too cozy, too casual to have a professional relationship.” Alex raises his eyebrow at me and it’s not lost on me that we’re in the exact situation. I sigh. “Yes, I see the irony in all of this. Anyway, I heard him on the phone with her this morning saying how he looked forward to seeing her. It was the way he said it. With affection and warmth. He never talks to me in such a kind tone. Plus, it’s a little odd that she’s calling his personal phone. Then there’s the text message he just got.” My head tilts down toward the phone. He picks it up and reads the message.
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