by Lee, Corri
“Turn the car around or you’re fired.”
I gasped in blatant disgust and shook my head at Lobke. “Don’t listen to him- he won’t fire you. Keep driving.”
“I said turn around,” his eyes flickered with genuine anger intense enough to burn a hole in Lobke’s headrest, “or you’re fired.”
“Don’t threaten her.”
His jaw clenched as he turned to me and he snapped. “Don’t tell me how to deal with my staff, Cecelia. The only people you know how to deal with are pensioners and piss-heads.” I lashed out and slapped him hard.
“Fuck you. As long as Lobke has the power of autonomy, she’s well within her rights to make decisions that stop your pathetic ass from fucking up because you are clearly not capable of making them yourself. You are not immune to consequence because you’re rich and just because you control a business empire doesn’t mean that you control all of the people in it. You’re an adult, fucking act like one instead of acting like a spoiled brat.” Nathaniel sank down in his seat and stared at his knees, stunned into silence.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologise to me- apologise to the hard working woman who you just threatened to fire, even though she spends every day of her life running around looking after you when she could be working a regular nine to five job to support her family, just because I’m brooding.” He looked as though he was struggling to place himself in the world for a moment. He had clearly never witnessed any form of discipline in his entire life and I was the first one to admonish him for his god complex.
“I’m sorry, Lobke.”
“It’s fine.” Lobke attempted to dissipate the tension in the car with music. Glad of the distraction, I resumed my mindless gaze out of the window and wallowed in my self-pity. Every sign we passed for London made my depression deepen and my fairy tale slipped further away with every mile.
As the city slipped into view on the horizon, You began to play- another ill-timed taunt from the powers at be. I held my breath as my tears slipped silently down my cheeks. My chin quivered as my world started to collapse around me.
Lobke’s eyes caught mine in the mirror. “Nate.”
“Hmm?” He looked at her, then looked at me, sweeping my hair away from my face. “Oh, Cecelia.” He unclipped my seatbelt and hauled me over onto his lap, entombing me in his arms. He didn’t ask why I wept, he just held me. And that made me cry harder.
I stared up at the door of my townhouse and sighed. My best friend was waiting inside, but so was so much hurt. My head fell back against the seat as Lobke opened my door, and Nathaniel held out a hand, my hat box and dress tucked under one arm. I reluctantly took it and dared to spend a second too long to relish his touch before I stepped bare foot onto the pavement.
“Cecelia, remember what I said last night, okay? You control your universe and you need only ask for a man like me.”
“Sure,” I scoffed, sullenly pulling my keys from my bag, “can I please have a man like you?” Or more specifically, you in particular? I swore under my breath at my thoughts and walked up the steps to the door.
The minute my keys entered the lock, the door swung open and Bethany threw herself at me. “Wow, I should go out more often.”
“It’s lunch time, Cici- where the hell have you been?” She held me by the shoulders and shook me. Her eyes were bloodshot and bagged with grey, her hair tangled and she still wore her work uniform from the previous day. In a word, she looked tragic.
“Bethy, you’re scaring me. Who died?”
“Nobody died. What the hell is wrong with your phone- you’ve been incommunicado since seven o’clock last night.”
“What?” I looked over my shoulder at Nathaniel and he looked as confused as I did at her panic. “We were out in the countryside and then my phone died. What is going on?”
Bethany looked me up and down then glanced at Nathaniel and gritted her teeth. “I hope you’re not hung over because you aren’t going to like what’s been here since two this morning.” I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly as she walked into the house and Nathaniel walked up behind me, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder. I braced myself and stepped through the front door to find myself confronted with a fuming Cole and a stack of pictures from the previous night.
On the top of the pile was a picture of Nathaniel and I holding hands at the beginning of the evening during the media frenzy, followed by pictures of him wrapped around me staring into the sky, the croquet match, our dance, and me flung over his shoulder. I probably shouldn’t have let myself smile.
“What the fuck is this?”
Chapter Nineteen
Cole lunged towards me and I instinctively took a protective step back against Nathaniel. The venom in his eyes scared me, but it wasn’t fear for myself. Having both of the significant men in my life standing in the same room felt like putting two Siamese fighting fish in the same tank- each one magnificent in their own way but driven by masculine pride. “You’re over reacting.”
“Over reacting?” Cole spat his words and threw the pictures at me. I raised my hands to shield myself from the hazard of a face full of paper cuts. “Why the fuck was he holding your hand?”
“Support, Cole. I was surrounded by photographers and journalists screaming at me.” Not a lie.
“Holding you so close in the garden?”
“Still support- he was giving me a pep talk.” Also not a lie.
“The dancing?”
“It was a ballad! Jesus Christ, Cole, you’re acting like a psychopath!” I thrust my hands into my hair and glared at him, resenting the rapid fire inquisition. “I’m sick of having this conversation.”
Cole strode up to me and grabbed my right hand. “He gave you a claddagh ring?” I yanked my hand back from his grip and picked up the closest picture. Yes we’d looked close, but any idiot could have seen that Nathaniel’s mind was somewhere else- with someone else. “Why are you wearing his shirt?”
“I-…” I broke into laughter and shook my head. “I fell into the pool.” Almost a lie.
“This isn’t funny, Cecelia.”
I breathed back into my straight face. “No, no- I agree. Your needless paranoia isn’t in the slightest bit funny.” He took another step towards me and I took another step back, nearly standing on Nathaniel’s toes. My chest tightened and nausea nagged at the pit of my stomach as the distance between us all lessened. I was an ineffective bodyguard, but a bodyguard nonetheless. I wouldn’t have thought twice about throwing myself in front of a speeding train if it meant protecting Nathaniel.
“So all these pictures are innocent?” Cole’s brown eyes continued to glisten aggressively, but I had never been intimidated by self-righteous men before and I was damned if I was going to change my ways.
“Yes.” I snarled, my hands fisting at my sides.
“And nothing happened between you two?” Nathaniel’s grip on my shoulder tightened. He knew I was a bad liar, and so did Bethany. I glanced her and her eyes narrowed with suspicion. The silence was incriminating me.
My voice fractured for a moment before I spoke. “No, nothing happened.” My words burst out with such a strong conviction that Bethany looked surprised and almost convinced. If I could fool her, I could fool anyone.
“Swear on his life that nothing happened.” Nathaniel’s grip tightened further for a moment, to the point of almost being painful. Then his thumb stroked the back of my neck like he was giving me permission to lie to excess.
I quickly tucked my hands behind my back and crossed my fingers. It was a childish gesture, but it comforted me enough and I hoped that Nathaniel could see it. “I swear on his life that nothing happened.” My chest tightened as I spoke, looking Cole directly in the eye with unwavering steel, and I felt winded by my deception. I became consciously aware of my ragged breathing and swayed for a minute on the spot before nudging Nathaniel towards the door. “Go. Take Bethany.”
“I’m not leaving you here with this basket ca
se.” I tore my gaze away from Cole and glared at Nathaniel. As soon as he glimpsed the severity of my expression he backed down and nodded. “Bethany, I’ll take you to your boyfriend.” My eyes darted to Bethany for half a second then back up to Nathaniel. Don’t tell her anything! I screamed at him silently. He nodded once, reading my mind, before opening the door and holding out a hand to her. “You are in control, aren’t you, Cecelia?”
“Totally.” The minute the door closed behind them, I pulled Nathaniel’s shirt over my head and threw it down on the couch, standing naked for all but my underwear. “Well?”
Cole shook his head and shrugged, completely uncaring of the curvy figure standing in front of him with unhindered access. “Well what?” I tutted and sneered, pushing past him into the kitchen, rubbing the knot of insult in the middle of my chest. He didn’t have even the slightest shred of interest in my body. “Why are you wearing Bethany’s pendant?”
“What?” I looked down at the key around my neck, my face twitching. “I borrowed it. Girls do that. Does that mean I’m sleeping with her too?” The lies flowed too freely from my mouth. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and thundered upstairs to the bathroom with the intention of washing away my badness. “I’m going for a shower. Either start trusting me or get out.” I knew it wasn’t entirely fair to ask for trust having just lied through my teeth about Nathaniel, but it had been my one and only wrong doing. Accepting a gift was neither infidelity nor a crime. I deserved trust.
The steaming spray of the shower beat down on my skin and forced me to wake up to the reality I was faced with. I leaned forward and splayed my hands out across the wet tiles of the shower unit for support while my limerence for Nathaniel consumed me. Since the depth of my feelings had struck me, there had been nothing but him in my mind.
Disturbing schemes of ruining his chances with his significant woman swarmed around in my head alongside fabricated fantasies of how it would feel when he made love to me, how he’d taste if I indulged his cheeky request to take him in my mouth- I could win him that way. I’d been complimented on my performance before. I’d been told that I could make men fall in love just with the tip my tongue. I could do that. I could march into his office on Monday and make him mine.
But he was going to win his woman on Monday. He had no room in his life for me- I was just a source of expendable income. He stood no real benefit from publishing my novel so if I acted inappropriately he could brush me away like dust. Like I was nothing.
I gasped as my chest clenched tighter and I struggled to catch my breath. The love I felt for Nathaniel was going to kill me, I could feel it wrapping around me and squeezing the life out of me like a cobra. I had to give up on my novel- I had to remove the source of pain from my life. I had to leave, or at least force him to. I had done that to the last man who too close with great success.
My breathing was shallow and barely sufficient when I returned downstairs and found Cole standing in my kitchen drinking coffee. I threw an arm to the couch to steady myself as I wheezed and watched the world slip out of view for a moment. How could I possibly live with the guilt of turning my back on my morals, whether that secret was protected or not? Far worse than just canoodling with another man while Cole tormented himself with the love he felt for me, I had thrown myself into a complete emotional affair. I was a terrible, soulless and manipulative temptress. There was no succubus hiding deep down within me- I was the succubus.
It would have been better for everyone if I’d never realised how I truly felt for Nathaniel. Better if I’d gone to meet Cole’s friends instead. Better if I’d told Nathaniel to shove his proposition where the sun didn’t shine. Better if I’d stayed at home and played video games rather than go and have lunch with Bethany.
Better if I’d never written a novel at all. In an instant, the last three years of my life had become a mistake. Thirty-six months of lapsed judgment. One hundred and fifty-six weeks of wasted time.
“I’ve put your phone on to charge. You sent some pretty cosy pictures to Bethany last night.”
I stared at the scattered pictures around my lounge and sagged down onto the couch, my legs barely able to support my weight. “Don’t start, Cole. I don’t feel well.”
“Don’t look to me for sympathy, Cecelia. You’re the one who chose to drink.”
“I can’t breathe.”
“Serves you right for smoking weed like a dumb bimbo.” I glared at him through the service window and jabbed thumb towards the door. I didn’t need to be reminded of how stupid I’d been.
“Get the fuck out of my house, Fiore.”
His voice cracked and his eyes began to shine. “Are you dumping me?” The pathetic look of fear on his face was the perfect physical manifestation how I felt inside. I could break him into pieces just by telling him to leave- exactly what Nathaniel could do to me.
“No.” I shook my head and winced as my muscles began to cramp. “I’ll see you tomorrow night- I just can’t talk to you reasonably when I feel like hell.”
“Okay…” My head dropped back and my focus blurred as Cole passed behind me. I was vaguely aware of the front door opening, then closing, and then silence. “What the hell is ‘What happens in Wonderland stays in Wonderland’ supposed to mean?” I lifted my head weakly and caught the blurred outline of Cole tearing the stems and blossoms of a white bouquet into confetti. “If he sends you flowers again, Cecelia-…” he screamed at me and threw the remaining bundle of bound flower stems at my face, “… I’ll fucking kill him. Don’t think for a moment that there isn’t a tiny grain of truth in the Italian mobster stereotype.” The walls shook as the door slammed and I gasped for breath.
I stumbled several times in a desperate scrabble for the kitchen to retrieve my phone. There was no doubt in my mind that Cole would honour that threat and jump at the chance to do so. It was my responsibility to pull Nathaniel’s head from the blade of that guillotine.
I sank down to the floor, leaning against the washing machine and squinted to read the names in my phonebook, eventually finding Nathaniel and composing a quick text message.
No more flowers. No more writing. No more sins. I love Cole. Deal’s off.
A tear slipped from my eye as the sensation of strangulation gripped at my throat. My emotions and Nathaniel’s absence from my life was killing me, like I knew it would.
A hand gripped my chin and forced it up to face the sky. “Damn it, Cecelia, breathe! Lobke, get in here!” As always, that voice made me smile.
“Get out, you don’t need me.” I could open my eyes just far enough to see Nathaniel’s torso before they closed again.
“The hell I don’t! I said breathe!”
“I-I can’t. I…” I gripped my hand to my chest and tears sprung to my eyes as a searing pain tore through me. I was certain that it was my heart breaking. I sobbed relentlessly and profusely until I thought there was nothing left of me at all, just a husk.
“You haven’t had an asthma attack since your parent’s cremation, Cici.” Bethany closed my hand around a glass of water and leaned across the bar to rest her forehead on mine. “You panicked then too.”
“I didn’t realise that you were asthmatic.” Nathaniel wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled my head down to rest on his chest. Seeing him standing in my territory was bizarre and oddly soothing, even if I was burning with embarrassment.
“I’m not.” I shook my head and frowned at myself. “It’s stress induced. It happens so infrequently that I don’t recognise it and end up spiralling into an anxiety attack.” I twisted my head to look up at Nathaniel apologetically. “You missed your meeting with John, I’m sorry.”
“I called him from the car the minute you shoved me through the door. I knew something was wrong when you told me to take Bethany with me. You’re more important than an informal meeting.” He pressed his lips to my head. “Don’t scare me like that again, Cecelia. You can’t get rid of me with a text message.” I swatted him away and stare
d into my glass of water, wishing it was something stronger. I couldn’t keep living like this. My panic had settled but the fact remained that I loved him and his affectionate movements verged on sadistic. He had to disappear from my life.
Adam strolled into the bar and hoisted himself up onto the stool next to me, throwing his phone down. “He feels like an idiot again.”
“So he should. She just spent four hours in some swanky doctor’s office thanks to him brutalising that bouquet. Thank god Nate was outside waiting for him to leave.” Bethany slammed Adam’s drink down on the bar top too forcefully- amber drops of lager spilling over the rim of the glass on impact. I ran my tongue across my teeth and clicked it on the roof of my mouth- I hadn’t told anyone about the threat. Bethany crouched to look into my eyes and folded her arms. “What did he do to you?”
“Nothing other than piss me off, I promise.” I nodded at her earnestly and pulled one of her hands into mine. “He didn’t touch me.”
“Alright…” She straightened and pursed her lips at me, eyes narrowing to contemplative slits. “So what happened last night that made you come back so stressed?” My teeth closed around my lips to still them. She’d known I’d lied to Cole, of course she had. I stared at her imploringly, begging her not to question me around Adam.
“If you cheated on him,” Adam raised his glass this mouth and held it there for a moment, “he deserves to know. Better to find out from you if someone else has their dick in you than someone else. I would want Bethany to tell me.”
“Bethany would never do that to you.” I retorted and pushed the water back across the bar with a grimace. “She’s not built that way.”
Adam took a sip of his drink and set the glass back down on the bar, rolling its base between his palms. “Are you?”
Bethany’s grip tightened on my hand. She understood the debt of me lying for her and she was more than willing to pay her dues. “Of course she’s not. Is she Nathaniel?”