by Lucy Lennox
His head whipped around. “What? No, are you crazy? We need to know what’s in there,” he said.
I gave him a look.
“Mpfh,” he grumbled, realizing who exactly was acting crazy. He snatched it up from its spot on the floor and came and sat down next to me on the couch.
He smelled like soap. Dammit what that does to me.
As he ripped open the envelope, I tried to keep my eyes on my phone screen to give him a measure of privacy. But I was desperate to know how bad the damage was.
He sighed and tossed the envelope in my lap, turning his head into my body and burying his face in my side. “It’s not as bad as I could be. But still. Goddamned asshole,” he rumbled into my shirt.
I put an arm around him and picked up the envelope. The photos weren’t at all what I had expected. They were of Jude and Ari, standing on what looked like a balcony in New Orleans. They had towels wrapped around their waists and it looked like they’d just gotten out of a shower. The photographs captured them kissing, Jude’s hand cupping Ari’s ass over the towel. Clearly it was taken several years ago, but my stomach still knotted painfully at the images as the unfamiliar swell of jealousy tightened my gut.
Only one of the five shots had a crystal-clear view of Jude’s face, but it was unmistakable.
“Who took these?” I asked. “How did this random guy get them?”
“I have no idea. Does it matter?” Jude said.
“Well, yes. Do you think this guy, Martin, is the one who took the photos? That maybe he’s been stalking you for that long? Is that even possible?”
“Who knows? Looking back, I remember seeing someone on a balcony nearby taking photos of us, but I thought it was just a pervert or a tourist. There’s no way I’d remember what he looked like. I wasn’t famous and we weren’t naked, so I didn’t really think much about it. It’s not like we could try to track down the guy in another building and tell him to give us the images. They were legal since we were in public.” He let out a breath and looked at me. “I’m just glad they’re not of you too.”
“C’mere,” I said, pulling him onto my lap and wrapping him in my arms. I felt his body sag against me as he let out a breath. “Let’s sleep on this and figure it out in the morning, okay? I think we’ll have to call Joel and ask for his help.”
After a few minutes of letting me hold him, Jude pulled back and met my eyes.
“I love you,” he said. “Thank you for putting up with all of this shit.”
His words went straight to my heart, and I kissed him. “You’re worth it.”
When we were undressed and curled around each other in bed, I tried desperately to think of a solution to the photo problem.
Jude’s head was against my chest and my fingers played with strands of his hair.
“Derek, I think I should come out. Take away his hold over me and just be done with this stress once and for all,” Jude said.
I didn’t say anything at first. Couldn’t. Part of me wanted to answer him based on what I wanted, not what was best for him.
He lifted his head to stare at me. “Babe, your heart is hammering. What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking I want to kill that psycho and bury him in the desert,” I admitted, remembering every word he said and threat he made to the man I loved. The man I was supposed to protect from harm.
“Oookayy, let’s make that plan B, shall we?” He sat up next to me and leaned back against the headboard, running fingers through his hair before smoothing a hand down his chest. My eyes couldn’t help but follow its progress, my body wanting to slither all over Jude’s, but my mind kept tripping over the other situation. I blinked.
“And plan A is you coming out because some obsessive freak decides he wants to have you all to himself?” I said. “God damn it, Jude.”
Jude swiveled around to straddle my abdomen. His hard-on was right there in front of me. Surely he was asking for it. I couldn’t think straight. The feel of him, the smell of him.
“Wolfe, do I need to fuck this pissy attitude out of you before we can have a productive conversation about this?”
At the word “fuck” spoken in that sultry voice of his, my cock stood up and I shuddered. I tried assessing his question. On the one hand I didn’t want to ignore the giant stalker-shaped elephant in the room, but on the other, dear god did I want that man’s mouth on me.
“Yes, please,” I answered with a sigh.
Jude laughed and kissed me hard, his tongue finding mine in a passionate rush. While our breathing sped up, his hands were everywhere. Part of me was even grateful to the stalker for giving me the excuse I needed to be naked in Jude’s bed that night.
Jude began making his way down my chest. His warm tongue danced down along my happy trail as he looked up at me. I was struck by those warm brown eyes, no longer filled with the weight of the world. They shimmered with mischief. Happy.
That was just how he was. The man could be threatened by an obsessive, manipulative bastard one minute and look at me with loving kindness the next. I don’t know how he did it.
Before long, I was losing myself to the pull of Jude’s greedy mouth. I balled my hands into fists to keep from grabbing his hair and pulling his head toward me harder and faster. My hips pushed up in search of more. Jude pulled off and sucked his finger with a wet smacking sound.
Oh shit.
At the realization of what was coming next, I tensed before taking a breath and remembering how much I trusted Jude. And maybe he needed this tonight. To control someone else for a change. As if he didn’t control me every moment of every day just by being himself.
His mouth landed back on my cock and I sucked in another breath, this time forgetting all about that wet finger until it entered me a minute later and sent bolts of excitement through me.
Jude’s pace was too slow and I realized he was trying to be delicate with me. Well, fuck that.
“More,” I demanded through closed teeth.
Jude’s eyebrows shot up and his grin widened. “Yes, sir, drill instructor, sir,” he teased.
He fumbled the cap open on the lube while I stroked my cock. I felt the cool drizzle land on my overheated skin and sucked in a breath.
Jude’s lip was caught between his teeth in concentration, and I couldn’t look away.
Two fingers entered me this time and I felt more discomfort. Was I really going to bottom for this guy who was so much smaller than me? Even though Jude was little, his cock most definitely was not. The whole thing would be laughable if I wasn’t so damned turned on by the thought. I loved topping Jude, so a part of me wanted him to have that experience, to feel as good as I felt when I was inside him. Wanted him to press into me and feel the tight squeeze of a lover’s body pulling him toward a climax.
Jude’s eyebrows were drawn together in concentration as he began to push himself into me. I focused on relaxing and stroked myself for distraction. Jude probably would have been more helpful if he hadn’t suddenly fallen into some kind of trancelike state.
“Holy fuck,” he breathed with eyes squeezed closed. “Ho-ly fuck.”
I held my legs back and watched as my body accepted him. His eyes opened and stared glassily at me.
He leaned in to kiss me and I had to lean forward to reach him because of our height difference. We kissed for a minute while he gently rocked his way farther into me.
As he began to pull out, his cock brushed against my prostate and I grabbed his ass cheeks to hold him right there.
I managed to stutter, “S-stop, wait. Do that again.”
Again with the mischievous eyes on mine. “Mm-hm, thought so.”
Smug bastard.
He stroked my prostate with that magic dick again, and I nearly lost my shit. He grabbed for my cock, stroking me with his hand while he thrust in and out of my ass.
It felt so damned good. His hair fell in curtains on either side of his flushed face. His shoulder muscles worked and rippled as he stroked me with one ha
nd and held his weight with the other. His dark eyelashes fluttered up and down as his own climax began to test his rhythm, but Jude never faltered. Rhythm ran in his blood.
Our orgasms came only a moment apart, my cock shooting so violently I was pretty sure a porn studio would have paid big money for a video clip. I roared Jude’s name as he screamed out a curse. He lay sprawled across my body like a glorious Jude-skin blanket, but I no longer had enough energy left in my arms to appreciate that skin with my hands the way I normally did.
“Well?” he asked after a little while.
I shrugged.
38
Jude
Whoa.
Topping Derek was pretty amazing. I was busy basking in the afterglow when he responded to my question.
Hold up.
I lifted my head to stare daggers at him. “A shrug? That’s what you have to say about it? A shrug?” I asked, sitting up. I noticed the shit-eating grin on Derek’s face and snorted. “You really are an ass sometimes.”
“Did you see me come? I’ve got some on my ear and I’m pretty sure there’s some on your neighbor’s house too.”
I crawled farther up his body and kissed him.
“Yes, G.I. Joe, we’re all very impressed with your virility. Would you like to stand up and take a bow? Maybe flex your muscles a bit for the ladies?”
My body felt his vibrating laugh before it came out of his mouth. “Nah, the only lady I care about has already seen my muscles.” He winked.
“You’re calling me a lady right after I just nailed you in the keister. That’s pretty funny, Wolfe.”
We stood up to head to the bathroom, and Derek seemed to be feeling the result of his devirgination. He winced while I started howling with laughter.
“You totally deserve that for trying to rain on my alpha male parade,” I accused.
“Damn, does it hurt like this every time?”
“No, only after you get hammered by someone extra-large such as myself. I’ve never been sore after you fuck me, for instance,” I said with a straight face.
I felt the sting of a pinch on my ass and found myself flipped over Derek’s meaty shoulder. God, I loved being thrown around by those muscles.
He smacked my ass until I admitted he had a big, beautiful slab of man meat, and I spent our entire shower nicknaming it ridiculous terms of masculine endearment and even sang an ode to it until he was red in the face.
We fell asleep laughing, which is the best way to fall asleep with the person you adore most in the world.
It wasn’t until the following day that the stalker’s threats came rushing back to my mind and began to drive a vicious wedge between us.
We spent hours discussing what to do. He even brought up the idea of contacting the FBI to report the threat. I was fairly sure I didn’t want to go that far and kept reminding him it was probably time for me to claim my sexuality and move forward with my life anyway.
The problem was Derek. Whenever I mentioned coming out, the subject inevitably changed to the issue of his coming out. And he refused. He made the point that me going public would put extreme speculation on who I was dating and there would be no way to keep it a secret. He also claimed he’d be damned if some psycho asshole would be the reason he did any of this.
Derek’s staunch refusal to consider changing his mind began to break me down bit by bit. I didn’t even realize how much until we were in Hawaii with my family. It was New Year’s Eve and we sat at a patio table by the pool with my brothers Maverick and Griff. Mav asked Griff about the guy he’d been seeing and Griff scoffed.
“It was a nonstarter. I realized after the third date Mark was still in the closet at work and with his family. Fuck that. I’m not interested in being with a guy who doesn’t have the balls to live his life honestly. Too much drama for me,” Griff said. I felt my shoulders tense and assumed Derek was experiencing the same.
Maverick pursed his lips. “Shit, Griff. I’m sorry. If it’s any consolation, I agree with you. Remember when I went out with Jordan in college? Every time we visited his parents he made a big deal about us being buddies and described all these fake dates with women just to set his parents’ minds at ease that he was ‘normal.’ It took me awhile, but I finally realized he was never going to have the guts to be honest. It made me feel worthless. I ended up so depressed that Mom showed up at the dorm to sit me down.”
I remembered it clearly. Mom had told me that she was worried Mav was depressed and considering dropping out of school. I was in Europe somewhere on tour and felt disconnected from the family, but I remember thinking Maverick deserved better. He deserved to be loved by someone who was proud of him. My heart was heavy with the memories.
“She said that when the time was right, I would find someone who couldn’t wait to shout it from the rooftops.” Mav smiled. “I’m still holding out hope.”
“That makes two of us.” Griff laughed. “I went clubbing last week with some friends and got hit on by the weirdest people. One guy kept calling me pet names, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Every time he spoke to me, he included an endearment.”
Mav smiled. “Like what? Tell us.”
“Like ‘Hey, sweet cheeks, you wanna drink? Why don’t we dance, kitty cat? Oooh, tiger, let’s go out back for a quickie.’ Finally, I just started doing the same to him and spent the rest of the night giggling. ‘Sugar bear, why don’t you get us some more drinks? You know what would feel good right now, punkin? Your lips on my dick.’ Gotta say, the guy gave massive head with that sassy mouth.”
We were all groaning and laughing by the time he finished describing it.
“I mentioned it to a friend of mine who works for a magazine and he suggested I write a humor piece about it,” Griff said.
“You totally should,” I said. “That would be a great article. It reminds me of that one you wrote for Huffington Post about tough businessmen who still get yelled at by their grannies. Hilarious.” I couldn’t help but laugh remembering the way he’d written it. The article had gone viral and been adopted by feminists as an example of misogynist hypocrisy in the workplace. Griff was good at using humor to make a point about societal idiosyncrasies.
“Thanks, Jude. You know that was Aunt Tilly’s idea. Don’t you dare tell her how successful it was or I’ll have to front her poker buy-in later.”
“I heard that,” Tilly said from the lounger we’d all assumed she was sleeping on. “Go back to the part about that guy giving you a blow job at the club.”
“Jesus Christ, Aunt Tilly,” Maverick said before burying his face in his hands and blushing beet red. “She’s going to kill me one of these days.”
That set Derek off laughing, and I was struck for the millionth time by how much I loved him. He was striking. The body of a Marine with the sweetness of a kitten. I wanted him to stay with me so much it took my breath away, but I couldn’t keep living in fear and in the dark.
A little while later we sat together on the far side of the pool with our feet dangling in the water. The sun felt warm on my skin and the clear blue sky was a nice break from the San Francisco winter.
I kept my voice low so my family couldn’t hear us.
“Derek, I can’t hide who I am anymore. I know you’re not ready, and I get that. I’m trying to respect it. But this situation with the photos is bringing it to a head. You and I both know I’m not going to give in to the threat. That means he’s going to out me anyway. It would be way better for my career if I’m the one controlling the announcement.”
“I can’t do it, Jude. I’m sorry.” Derek didn’t look at me while he spoke, and I wanted to grab his chin and turn it toward me to force his eyes on me. I put my hands under my legs instead.
“What are you more afraid of, Derek? People finding out that you’re gay or the media scrutiny because you’re with me?”
He finally looked at me. “I don’t know, and I’m not sure it really matters.”
“It matters to me. I love you. I don’t want
to do something to upset you or hurt you. Please tell me how I can fix this,” I begged him.
He sighed and looked out over the sparkling water of the pool. “I don’t have any answers.”
I began to feel the first sting of resentment slither through me. “Well, I have to do something, Wolfe. I can’t simply let this threat sit out there until he finally decides to follow up on it. I don’t have the luxury of saying I don’t have any answers.”
His jaw tightened and his lips drew together. “I’m aware of that.”
“And?” I asked.
“And I don’t have any answers,” he repeated through his teeth.
I felt my eyes begin to burn and I refused to cry out there where anyone could see me. God forbid my gigantic fucking family catch wind of my heart breaking. Standing up, I grabbed my towel and strode into the house, bypassing someone’s questions about what I was going to wear for the wedding ceremony.
When I got to my room, I stepped into the shower and let go. Tears of frustration mixed with the hot water, and I felt familiar emotion bubble up from its recent hibernation.
Loneliness.
39
Derek
Attending a wedding was either a blessing or a curse depending on the state of your own relationship at the time. That night’s wedding was a goddamned curse.
Not only were Jude and I unable to hold hands or share intimate looks during the celebration, but we were also barely speaking to each other after the discussion by the pool.
Jude did a fairly decent job of pretending to be happy and excited for his brother, but I saw the return of his lonely gaze and it shattered me. I couldn’t stand being responsible for his unhappiness.
Throughout the night I watched him interact with his family. He danced with his mom, his sister, and Aunt Tilly. His hips swayed with the grace and natural rhythm that had always mesmerized me. His hair was pulled back that night, and the tiny lights strung around the patio accented the lovely angles of his face.
At midnight there were fireworks. The family and guests were spread out around the patio, pool deck, and backyard. Couples shared kisses while they gazed upward at the colored light bursts. I was hit by the unfairness of not being able to kiss the man I loved in front of everyone ringing in the new year. I looked over at Jude just as one of the bursts of light landed on his face, reflecting off tears.