by Skylar Hill
“No,” Cam burst out, a little too loudly. “Sorry,” she said, flushing at her rudeness. “God,” she buried her head in her hands. “I’m a mess,” she groaned.
“It’s understandable you don’t want to leave Portland,” Russ said.
“It’s not just that,” Cam explained. “I mean, I love Portland. And getting Evie to leave would be hell. But also, there’s a guy.”
Russ grinned. “Really?” he said. “That’s great! Who is he?”
“James McGowan,” Cam said. “He’s a tattoo artist, too.”
“The guy whose studio you’re helping develop?” Russ asked. “Annie mentioned something about it last time you two had dinner.”
Cam nodded. “He’s amazing,” she said. “I…” she was aware of how pink she was getting, and how much it was making Russ smile.
“I’m really happy for you,” he said. “You deserve a great guy.”
“Thanks,” Cam said.
“Okay, so that changes things a little,” Russ said, pulling out his tablet and beginning to take notes on it. “If you have someone in your life, I really should sit down with both of you so he’s in the circle. Especially if you spend a lot of time at his place. And we’ll need to look at the Tattoo Studio, too. Exile Ink, right?”
Cam nodded.
“Great name. Anyway, we want to have a security plan in place before the probation hearing, just in case. So we’ll need to bring your boyfriend in, check his place out, go through the studio, too.”
“I haven’t told him yet,” Cam confessed quietly.
“About the probation hearing?” Russ asked.
She shook her head. “About any of it.”
His brow furrowed. “Oh, wow. Okay. That… complicates things.”
To her humiliation, tears filled her eyes.
“Oh, Cam, it’s okay,” Russ handed her his cloth napkin to dab her eyes with. “You have the right to want to do it on your own timeline. Unfortunately, now things are beyond that. If he’s a good guy, he’ll understand.”
“Oh, he’ll understand,” Cam said in a choked voice. “He’s incredible. He’ll be totally understanding. I’m just scared he’ll never look at me the same way again.”
“He might look at you differently,” Russ said, and her surprise must’ve shown in her face, because he smiled reassuringly as he continued. “He’ll have a deeper understanding of who you are, Cam. And what your past says is that you’re a woman who will do anything to protect the people she loves. That’s a pretty amazing woman. If he has any sense, he’ll love you more for it.”
Cam wished it was easy to see herself that way. She wished she was as sure as Russ was that if he knew the truth, James would see her that way.
But she was so damn scared. Of so much. She was scared of not being able to protect herself or Evie, she was afraid James would walk away if he knew what she’d done, if he knew what might be waiting in their future if the worst happened.
Her temples throbbed, the stress making her neck muscles tense.
“Do you love James?” Russ asked her.
She looked down, unable to answer. Not because she didn’t know the answer—she did. But because the first time she affirmed it, the first time she said it, it had to be to James.
“I think you do,” Russ said gently. “And I don’t think you’d fall in love with a man who wasn’t worthy of you. Who wasn’t understanding and kind. So go to him. Tell him everything. If he doesn’t understand, I will kick his ass. And then you can kick my ass for giving you bad advice.” He held out one of his massive hands, his wedding ring—a band made of polished wood instead of metal—gleaming in the low light. “I’ll even shake on it. Gentleman’s agreement.”
Cam smiled, taking his hand and squeezing it before pulling away.
“Tell him,” Russ beseeched. “And then the two of you come and have a sit-down with me and the rest of the firm. We’ll make a plan with both of you. We can protect your home and your self, Cam, but James is the one who has to protect your heart and your mental well-being. He needs to know everything so he can do that.”
Cam knew he was right.
But she also knew that in order for James to protect her heart, she had to give it to him.
Chapter Eleven
Cam
When Cam got back to her apartment after her lunch with Russ, she felt drained. She wanted to get into a hot shower and stand under the water for a good twenty minutes before getting out. But she knew the second she stepped under the spray, her thoughts would turn to how she would tell James and she’d fall down that panic spiral again.
She unlocked her front door and stepped inside, finding Evie sprawled on the couch with the crazy quilt she’d made out of Evie’s old spelling bee t-shirts covering her.
“Hey,” her sister said, holding up a pink bakery box. “I brought you a dozen cannoli. Well, ten cannoli. I ate two. I may eat a third. So I brought you nine cannoli.”
Cam’s throat tightened as she looked at her, her eyes burning as she tried to hold back the tears. She still didn’t know how to tell Evie about the parole hearing. She couldn’t just blurt it out. Not until she had put together a plan.
“Jeez, okay, I won’t eat the third cannoli,” Evie said, misinterpreting the look on her face.
Cam smiled, blinking rapidly. “Eat as many as you want,” she said. “What are you doing here?”
“My afternoon class was cancelled and my roommate sexiled me again. I figured you’d be at loverboy’s since you’re always there, so I am here. You don’t mind, do you?”
“Of course not,” Cam said, hanging her purse on the ancient iron coat rack she’d picked up at a flea market. She made sure her purse was zipped shut so the parole letter wouldn’t slip out for Evie to find. She came to sit next to her sister, grabbing one of the cannoli from the box and taking a bite. “Are these from the bakery on Fifth?” she asked, moaning as the sweetness flooded her senses. Perfection.
Evie nodded.
Cam finished her cannoli and wiped her sticky fingers on the napkin Evie handed her. “So,” she said. “When were you going to tell me Aiden McGowan paid off your college loans?”
Evie’s eyes bugged out a little. “I was going to tell you,” she said, with the most unconvincing look on her face Cam had ever seen. Her little sister was a terrible liar. Her eyes got all big and doll-like, and her cheeks turned bright red and she immediately would start fiddling with the ends of her braid. “I promise. I just… I was trying to figure out how.”
“You can always tell me anything,” Cam insisted.
“I know,” Evie said quickly. “You’ve done so much for me. You’ve done everything for me. You’ve supported every dream, every goal, everything I’ve ever wanted to do. I would’ve never gotten to Bushwick Academy or to Reed or to where I’m going now without you. You’ve worked your ass off, you were stuck at Electric Chair with that asshole Scott for so many years… and it was because of me.”
“It wasn’t because of you,” Cam protested.
“Well, it kind of was,” Evie said, with her typical blunt honesty. “If you didn’t have me hanging around, your life would be different. A whole lot easier, I bet. I know I’ve been kind of expensive. You always made sure I had everything the other kids had. You never said no to a field trip or extra books, and I know how much overtime you must’ve worked to get me that telescope when I was sixteen, plus the Macbook for college and—“
“Evie!” Cam said, feeling a little horrified. “You know I don’t think like that, right? You’re my sister. You’re amazing. I love you more than anything else in this world. My life is so much better because you’re in it. I wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t have you around to make me laugh or to tease me or to make me eat ridiculous ramen combinations.”
“Hey, the orange–peanut butter version was good!” Evie said with a grin that made Cam burst into relieved laughter.
Evie reached out and took both of Cam’s hands in hers. “You are t
he best sister,” she said. “The best support system. But you’ve never gotten to have a life because of me. You’ve taken everything on your shoulders—literally, figuratively, emotionally, physically—” She squeezed her sister’s hands at that last word, and Cam squeezed back. She wanted to hug her, gather her close like she did when they were little, shielding her from as much of the bad as she could. “And so when Aiden came to me and offered to pay off my loans, I thought it was a great idea. Like a scholarship, just kind of a belated one. He said that if I had been on his radar before college, he would’ve given me one anyway. And I checked—he does give out scholarships all the time.”
“It’s not like I don’t think you deserve the money or the acknowledgment,” Cam said gently. “I just…”
“You expected to pay for my college,” Evie finished for her.
“I wanted to provide for you,” Cam said, her cheeks going red. “For so long, I couldn’t keep you safe. The least I could do was pay for your education.”
Evie leaned her head on her sister’s shoulder, her long hair brushing against Cam’s wrists. “You saved me,” she said softly. “Over and over when we were little. And I leaned on you so much. But now it’s time for you to focus on yourself,” she told her. “You have James. You’re part of this exciting new business where your art is going to be appreciated by so many more people now. This is just the beginning, Cammie. You’re going to be tattooing movie stars and rock gods before you know it.”
Cam stroked her sister’s hair, like their mother used to do. Sometimes if she closed her eyes tight, she could swear she could catch a whiff of her perfume.
“I was never going to let you pay off my college, anyway,” Evie said quietly. “Those loans were always going to be my responsibility. And now they’re taken care of. We don’t have to worry. And it’s not charity,” she said before Cam could even protest. “If you really want to get all mercenary about it, I saved Green Valley a freaking fortune because the math was so off on those wind turbines. Honestly, I think Aiden was embarrassed he didn’t catch it himself.”
“He treats you well at your internship? He’s not holding the money over your head?” Cam asked cautiously.
Evie’s nose wrinkled. “God, no,” she said. “He hasn’t even mentioned it except to tell me the payments had gone through. I know he’s a little stand-offish sometimes. He’s way different than James. James is, like, the sun. You want to be next to him. He’s warm and funny and you just kind of want to hug him. Aiden looks like he’d recoil if you touched him.”
Cam laughed, because it was an apt description of the brothers.
“It’s kind of mind-boggling they’re brothers. But he’s a good guy, once you get past the introverted, brilliant, kind of impatient inventor thing. And he’s an amazing boss. Not just to me, to everyone at the company. They talk about him like he’s the second coming. He knows everyone’s names, down to the guy who changes the water bottles. I love working there. I get to geek out with all the other interns, and Aiden’s started having me tail him when he goes out on projects and in his lab because he’s considering me for an assistant job when I graduate. It’s like a family, Cam. This awesome, environmentally aware family that cares about the all same stuff I do and is working toward creating solutions for big problems.”
Evie’s eyes were shining with excitement. She’d always been idealistic, wanting to fix the world. Now she was on the cutting edge of learning to do that, in a group of supportive, brilliant scientists trying to save the world. It was everything Cam had ever dreamed for her sister and more, and she teared up at the thought of it.
“They’re your people,” Cam said quietly, finally understanding, because she knew that feeling. It was what she felt the second she’d stepped into the warehouse that would become Exile Ink—a sense of belonging, of being seen, of being understood.
She wasn’t dumb. But she was artistic, not scientific, and Evie had always run circles around her academically. Cam had tried valiantly to keep up as much as possible, but she’d had to outsource so much of Evie’s education because Evie was on a level Cam couldn’t even scramble up to.
This is what she’d wanted for Evie, all along. A place to belong. People who understood and valued her brilliant mind, her inventive ideas, her creative approach to problems.
And it was Aiden McGowan had given her this, much like his brother had restored Cam’s confidence in herself that had been beaten down by life and circumstance. She couldn’t hold onto any animosity toward him, just because of what he’d given Evie. She would just overlook her pride and be grateful for the astounding gift—and for the fact that someone had noticed Evie’s talent. Having a powerful mentor in the big nerdy boys’ club that made up the STEM industries would do a great deal for Evie’s career, and Cam also knew that Aiden would look out for her.
“Please don’t be mad,” Evie said.
“I’m not,” Cam assured her. “I’m not,” she repeated, almost to herself. “If you’re happy with the arrangement, I’m happy,” she said firmly.
“Promise?”
“Pinky swear,” Cam said, holding her pinky out.
Evie grinned and hooked her own around Cam’s.
“I was actually going to call and ask you something,” Cam said.
“Oh yeah?” Evie asked, grabbing her fourth cannoli. “Ask me what?”
Cam bit her lip, unsure how to phrase this. “I was thinking of telling James. About how we grew up. About what happened.”
Evie hesitated, the cannoli half raised to her mouth. She put it down and turned so she was completely facing Cam. “That’s big,” she said.
Cam nodded, her hands twisting nervously in her lap. “If you aren’t comfortable…”she started.
“Cam, no, it happened to you too,” Evie said. “You get to tell whoever you want. Honestly… I’m kind of surprised that you haven’t already told him.”
She couldn’t meet her sister’s eyes. She always wanted to be a good role model for Evie, but she felt like she’d failed at providing her with an example of a good, loving relationship. She’d dated, of course, but she’d never brought anyone home when Evie was still living with her, and even when Evie moved to the dorms, there’d never been anyone significant Cam had ever wanted to introduce to her. Not until James.
“What’s stopping you?” Evie asked. “You love him, right?”
Cam looked at her, her beautiful, bright, strong little sister. She was so smart in so many ways.
And so naive in others.
To Evie, being in love was enough. It was everything. Despite everything, she’d manage to find her optimistic, cheerful spirit again and keep it.
But Cam? Cam had never been like that. She’d been scared. And then she’d been sacrificial, because Evie needed to come first.
And now?
Now she wanted to have faith. To have hope. To trust.
To love.
But was it enough? James was enough. Of course he was. He was everything. He was good and strong and kind. He was art and beauty and desire. He was the calm in the storm of her life, a muse she didn’t even know she needed, a place to lean on for as long as she wanted.
It was never a question of if he was enough.
Was she enough?
She didn’t know. That’s what scared her. Would he look at her differently once he knew what had been done to her? What she’d done to finally stop it, too little, too late?
“I think you should trust him,” Evie said. “Because I think you need him.”
“I don’t—“ Cam started, an automatic protest. I don’t need anyone.
It had been her motto for so long. She had Evie. She had herself. They were alive. Evie was thriving. It was enough.
But then James had come along, and he’d made her want more. He’d shown her that there was more. That she could have more.
That he could give it to her.
“You do need him,” Evie said. “Cam, I love you. But your whole ‘one woman as
an island’ thing? It’s old. Tired. Time to retire it. Especially when a man as hot and sweet as James looks at you like you hung the moon. I’ve never been in love, but I’m pretty sure a guy looks at you like that only in the rare, epic love kind of situations.”
Cam could feel herself flushing, because it was true. The way James looked at her made her feel like she was under a cascade of protective, lusty emotion at all times. His eyes held a sharply focused kind of affection that promised naughty, orgasmic things.
“You should tell him,” Evie said. “James is part of your story now. Which means he gets to know our story.”
It was a beautiful way to put it. So simple, so easy. Cam wanted it to be that way. She hoped she could go to him and tell him everything and it would be okay. That he’d understand. That it wouldn’t change anything.
But her life had taught her to be a realist to a fault, and it gnawed at her, that worry, that voice that said you kept who you were from him.
“You’re right,” she heard herself saying, even though she still wasn’t sure. “Thanks for talking it through with me.”
“No problem,” Evie said. You’re the best, Cammie.” Evie leaned her head back against Cam’s shoulder. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Cam stroked her hair, praying Evie would never have to find out.
Chapter Twelve
Cam
When Cam arrived at James’s loft, her stomach was in knots. She’d changed her dress twice, put her hair up, then yanked it down, then put it up again, so now it was a mess. But when he opened his front door, he looked at her like she was the best thing he’d ever seen, and some of the tension inside her uncoiled, even though she still had some major apologizing to do.
“Hi,” she said, biting her lip.
“Hi,” he said, smiling softly. “Come on in.”