Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Why Is Paul Revere Revered?
The Myth of Magellan
Taking a Whack at the Truth
Benjamin Franklin Didn’t Discover Electricity? What a Shock!
Return to Sender—Address Unknown
By Any Means Necessary
The Color Is Plane Wrong
The Lightbulb Was Not Edison’s Bright Idea
Captains Cannot Tie Knots
The Evening Star Is a Stand-In
Real Steamboat Inventor Steamed
The Great Wall of China Is Out of Sight
One Half of All Marriages End in Divorce
His Name Wasn’t Schicklgruber, Either
The Truth of William Tell Told
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Beetles!
Stop Clowning Around
Bringing Down the House
There’s a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea
Oh, Hell, Caesar
Not a Barrel of Laughs
Sticking His Neck Out
King for a Day
A Real Shoe-In
Bunker or Just Bunk?
Nuclear Arms Wrestling
Bridge over Troubled Water
Who Are We Having for Dinner?
Random Acts of Kindness
War Is Hell
The Emperor’s New Chair
Foaming at the Mouth
Survey Says . . .
Floundering for a Name
Two for One
An Eggstraordinary Story
Birds of a Feather
The First Bump in the Road
The Mass of Men...
The Late Winner
As Good As Gold
You’ve Got Mail!
Up, Up, and Away in My Beautiful Balloon
In a Class by Itself
Come Fly with Me
Canvassing History
Two Kings, Three Queens, and a Big Joker
A Sticky Situation
You’re Not in Kansas Anymore
Please Tread Lightly
It’s a Small World After All
Nuts to You!
The Domino Effect
What a Stupid Beep, Beep, Beep
Descent of the Scent
Seldom Is Heard These Discouraging Words
Really up a Tree
Testing One, Two, . . .
Not with a Wimper, but with a Bang
Stop Your Whining
The Defendants Suck!
The Incredible, Regrettable Egg
A Chili Reception
The Sheep Were Rammed
The Mayflower:Stem to Stern
Rock and a Hard Place
Down the Tube
A Feather in His Cap
He Said, She Said
A Revolutionary Item Up for Sale
New World, Old Lie
Bending the Amendment
It Isn’t Made of Cheese, Either
W. C. Fields Forever
Exit, Stage Left!
Structured Chaos
Holy Santa Maria!
A Close Shave
Cue the Crying Indian!
Like a Rolling Stone
Roses on Your Piano
Sitting in Judgment of Yourself
Roll It
A Close Call
Don’t Want No Fancy Funeral, Just One Like Old King Tut
A Twist of Lemming
Sax and Violins
It’s a Dog’s Life
Covering Up the Past
Alone Again, Naturally
Ship Faced
Petite Defeat
Going Postal
The Big Bus Fuss
Speakin’ Lincoln
A Penny for Your Thoughts
You Must Have the Wrong Address
Horsing Around with History
Not in High Cotton
Buckle Up
Keeping an Eye Out
The Case of Coke
Its What’s for Supper
Piercing the President
Get a Tan by Standing in the English Rain
Cast the First Stone
Scooping It Up
Get Out of Jail Free
Vote, and Vote Often
Bailing Out on War
A Fork in the Family Tree
The Winner of the “What Was He Thinking?” Was He Thinking Award
Life Imitates Art Imitates Life
All Aboard the SS Guppy
Dropping a Load
Bizarre Book Titles
A Healthy Constitution
Telegraphic Liar
Wagons, Ho!
A Wolf in Sleak Clothing
A Space All Your Own
Now We’ll Have Dick Nixon to Kick Around Again
Dead on Target
More Bizarre Books
Casting a Wide Internet
Nun but the Brave
History in the Making
Precooked Fish
Still More Bizarre Book Titles
All the News That’s Fit to Print
Getting Down to Brass Tacks
First in Our Hearts, Maybe . . .
A Pachyderm of Lies
A Token of Their Appreciation
Holmes Is Where the Heart Is
I’ve Heard of Ham-Fisted Before, But . . .
Just Wing It
Jiminy Cricket, That’s a Big Grasshopper
Really in the Rough
Cutting Off Your Circulation
X-ing Out Christmas
Heavy Is the Head That Wears the Crown
If We Took the Bones Out, It Wouldn’t Be Crunchy
Deadly Gases Found on Uranus
Line, Please!
In Sickness and in Health—for Richer or for Poorer
Are the Noises in My Head Bothering You?
How Much Are the One-Cent Stamps?
One More Time from the Top
A Cramped Expression
Pennies from Heaven
Stop Calling Me a Weenie Dog!
Colonel Bat Guano . . . If That Is Your Real Name
Lincoln’s Résumé
This Is My Good Friend, Harvey
Animal Sounds
Raggin’ on Wagons
When Walter Met Elizabeth
But, Dad, Everybody’s Wearing Them
Pressing His Luck
Fun with Racist Stereotypes
More Fun with Racist Stereotypes
Rain Forest Go Away, Come Again Some Other Day
The Final Edition of Bizarre Book Titles
The Spirits of the Republic
Our Way or Ye Olde Highway
Caesar or Seize Him?
An Unusual Stock Exchange
Where’s the Lock Box?
The Circle of Lies
Cherries Jubilee
Shhhh, Don’t Tell Anybody We’re Here
Drats, Foiled Again!
How Much Was the Bill of Rights—and Who Paid It?
The Number You Are Trying to Reach Is No Longer in Service
Shaking Things Up
Citizen Cane
Don’t Be Such a Chicken
Here I Come to Save the Day!
Quotable Misquotes
Quicker Than a Grindstone
Daisy, Daisy, Give Me Your Answer Do
The Retriever of Zenda
A Unique Groundbreaking Experiment
Knocking Over a Stonewall
The Pride of Idaho
In
dians with No Reservations
The Reflecting Pool
A Shot at Legal History
A Highly Charged Article
Starved for Attention
Man Cannot Live by Bread Alone
Or Is It a Repocracy?
Can’t Keep a Good Man Down
More Quotable Misquotes
In Case of Emergency, Break Glass
Nothing up My Sleeve, Nothing in My Head
Digging for Research
A Very Queer Relationship
East Is East and West Is West
He Was Still a Brave Soul
So What’s Your Act Called? The Aristocats!
Old Flames Burn the Brightest
Wrong Place at the Wrong Time—Three Times Running
No, I’m Talking About the Kind That Holds Back Water
A Grain of Truth
Presidential Poundage
Springtime for Hitler
Dogs of War
I Only Get It for the Articles Anyway
A Voyage of Titanic Proportions
He Was a Dick from the Very Start
No Return—No Deposit
Not the Boys in the Hood—But the Boys Under the Hood
You Say Tomato and I Say . . . Tomato
When the Chips Are Down
How Do You Know He’s a King? He Hasn’t Got Sh*t All Over Him
The Department of Redundancy Department
Live from the Pasta Farms, This Has Been Al Dente
It’s Not Just a Good Book—It’s a Great Book!
Because They Don’t Know the Words
Other Books by Leland Gregory
What’s the Number for 911?
What’s the Number for 911 Again?
The Stupid Crook Book
Hey, Idiot!
Idiots at Work
Bush-Whacked
Idiots in Love
Am-Bushed!
Stupid History copyright © 2007 by Leland Gregory. All rights
reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of
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ISBN-13: 978-0-7407-6054-9
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Why Is Paul Revere Revered?
“Listen, my children, and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere . . .”
“The Landlord’s Tale: Paul Revere’s Ride” by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (not “The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere,” as most people call it) is one of the best-known poems in American historical literature. But it’s a poem—it isn’t actual history. Paul Revere didn’t make the historical ride into Concord, Massachusetts, to warn the citizens “the British are coming!” He did, however, ride into Lexington on April 17, 1775, warning “the regulars are coming!” (The British army was referred to as the “regular troops.”) On April 18, Paul Revere, a cobbler named William Dawes, and a doctor named Samuel Prescott were heading toward Concord to warn the citizens about British troop movements. Unfortunately, the three were spotted by a British patrol, and Revere was captured and detained. Dawes headed back toward Lexington, but Prescott continued on into Concord and was able to warn the citizens. Revere was released by the British the next day and had to return to Lexington on foot—they’d kept his horse. So actually, it was a doctor named Samuel Prescott who made the immortal ride into Concord, not Revere. I suppose Longfellow chose Revere because it’s easier to rhyme than Prescott.
The Myth of Magellan
After learning about Christopher Columbus sailing the ocean blue in 1492, we were taught that Ferdinand Magellan sailed around the world in a single trip (or circumnavigated the globe, if you will). Well, he didn’t. Magellan, a Portuguese captain in the service of Spain, set out on August 10, 1519, from Seville with five ships and a crew of 250 men. Things didn’t go so well for old Magellan, though. His three-year journey was plagued with terrible weather, maps that weren’t up to date, starvation, and a violent mutiny. The truth of the matter is only one of Magellan’s ships, the Victoria, arrived back at Seville, with only eighteen of its fifty crewmembers alive. One other person who didn’t make it was Ferdinand Magellan himself. When his ship landed on Mactan Island in the Philippines, he was met with a less than friendly reception party. Magellan died, face down on the beach, looking like a pincushion from the numerous spears sticking out of his body.
Buttermilk does not contain butter. It is a
by-product of the butter-making process and
contains less fat than whole milk.
Clement Clarke Moore’s famous poem is not called “’Twas the Night Before Christmas,” but is actually titled “A Visit from Saint Nicholas.” The sugarplums mentioned in the poem (and seen in Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite) have nothing to do with plums. They are actually hard candies.
Taking a Whack at the Truth
A lot of erroneous history is passed down in books, plays, movies, and poems—usually these were intended to be entertainment, not historical truths. But some of these false facts are so ingrained in our consciousness that there’s little chance of the truth becoming as popular as the fiction. Here’s an example: What do you think of when you hear the name Lizzie Borden? Everyone chant with me:“Lizzie Borden took an ax
And gave her mother forty whacks.
When she saw what she had done
She gave her father forty-one.”
Since she was first suspected of hacking her parents to death in 1892, Lizzie Borden has stood out as one of the few female homicidal maniacs in history—and if it wasn’t for this little refrain, her name would have been forgotten years ago. What is forgotten is that a jury acquitted Lizzie Borden after only sixty-six minutes of deliberation and all charges were dropped. I hope the truth about Lizzie’s innocence becomes as popular as the song—and then we can all just bury the hatchet.
Benjamin Franklin Didn’t Discover Electricity? What a Shock!
Here’s the quickest way to disprove that Benjamin Franklin discovered electricity—it already had a name. Electricity comes from the Greek word elektron, which means “amber.” (The Greeks discovered they could generate static electricity by rubbing amber with fur.) What Franklin was trying to prove in his 1752 experiment was the electrical nature of lightning—that lightning was, in fact, electricity. It is true that Franklin flew a kite with a key tied to the string—but the kite was not struck by lightning. If it had been, Franklin might have become a has-Ben. The spark that leapt from the key to Franklin’s knuckle was caused by the flow of electrons that exists at all times between the ground and the sky—but during a thunderstorm, the electrons are more active. Had Benjamin Franklin, the inventor of bifocal glasses, actually been struck by lightning, he would have made a real spectacle of himself.
Horseshoe crabs are not crabs. They are survivors
of a species that became extinct 175 million years ago.
Their closest modern relatives are scorpions and spiders.
Return to Sender—Address Unknown
Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address
is considered one of the most moving and brilliantly written speeches of all time. And the most fascinating aspect of the speech is that Lincoln wrote it on the back of an envelope while traveling by train through Pennsylvania. Wrong! It would be wonderful to believe this masterpiece was so divinely inspired that Lincoln dashed it off in a matter of minutes. But the truth is, Lincoln began working on the Gettysburg Address eleven days before he gave the speech on November 19, 1863. In fact, there are five drafts of the speech still in existence—some even written on White House stationery. Maybe because the speech is fewer than 300 words, people have assumed he just pulled it out of his hat.
By Any Means Necessary
Here’s another well-known fact about President Abraham Lincoln: The Emancipation Proclamation freed the slaves, right? Well, no. The Proclamation, issued by Lincoln on January 1, 1863, proposed freeing slaves in the Southern states only—it didn’t mention ending slavery in the North. Even Lincoln’s secretary of state, William Henry Seward, saw the irony in this and stated, “We show our sympathy with slavery by emancipating slaves where we cannot reach them and holding them in bondage where we can set them free.”
Before he issued the Emancipation Proclamation, Lincoln threatened the South by saying if they didn’t rejoin the Union, he would abolish slavery. They didn’t, and he had to follow through with his threat—but it was an empty threat because the South had already seceded and Lincoln had no authority over it. Lincoln’s real reason for the Proclamation was made very clear in a letter he sent to the New York Times:My paramount objective in this struggle is to save the Union, and is not to save or destroy slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing any slaves, I would do it, and if I could save it by freeing all slaves, I would do it; and if I could save it by freeing some and leaving others alone, I would do that.
Although we are all taught that Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation freed the slaves, it didn’t. What did free the slaves was the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, which was ratified in the latter part of 1865—and unfortunately, Lincoln was dead by that time.
Stupid History: Tales of Stupidity, Strangeness, and Mythconceptions Throughout the Ages Page 1