by Autumn Grey
My lips pull into a smile, floored. Just when I thought I couldn’t be more intrigued by this girl, she surprises me by using sign language.
I nod once and turn to leave, afraid I’ll end up saying something stupid, just like the weird way my body has been reacting to her. Once inside the car, I glance out the window, watching as Nor walks to her door, opens it and disappears without looking back.
Shoving those confusing feelings aside, I get back on the road and drive to BH Architects.
FRIDAY MORNING I WAKE UP early. I was stunned to see him walk inside St. Christopher’s yesterday.
I haven’t seen Cole since he dropped me off. Every time that memory crosses my mind, my chest feels light and my body warms up. If I close my eyes now, I can see his lips quirked slightly in a smile and his chaotic mid-length chocolate brown hair. No wonder he feels the need to tame it by wearing a beanie, it obeys its own laws. I like it though. It looks silky soft.
I can’t get over the surprise and delight on his face when I signed ‘Thank you’. That single look increased my determination to learn more just so that I can see it again.
“Hey Nor.”
My head pops out of the closet and I spin around to find Megs sitting on the window ledge, holding two Styrofoam cups.
“Coffee?” She shoves one of the cups toward me and my heart skips a beat as the smell of coffee tickles my nose. “Elise let me in.”
I snatch it from her hands and inhale the scent. “Oh my God, you’re a godsend. Thank you.”
She takes a sip from her cup while scanning my room, her gaze landing on my doodle notebook on the floor beside my bed. “Can I see that?” She points at it with her free hand.
I bite the inside of my cheek. Would it seem rude to refuse? No one, other than my sisters, have ever seen the inside of that book.
She hops down from the windowsill and hurries toward me. She touches my shoulder with one hand and says softly, “Hey. It’s okay. You don’t have to show me. I’ve always wanted to doodle and I was curious when I saw yours.”
This girl has seen my scars. I expected her to cringe, turn and walk away from me. Instead, she hugged me, which kind of threw me for a loop. She’s here today. It all has to mean something, right?
“I’ve never had a best friend, so I don’t know how to do this.”
“You don’t have to do anything. Just be yourself.”
I am who I am. The past doesn’t define me. I smile at her. “Right.” I jerk my chin toward the bed. “Some of the stuff in there is not. . .for the faint hearted,” I warn her.
“I don’t scare easily.”
I cross the room, pick the book up off the floor and hold it out to her. She takes it before lowering herself to sit cross-legged on the floor. My heart beats faster every time she flips the page, wondering what she is thinking. She pauses, clutching her cup with one hand as she stares at the drawing of an arm, the sharp edge of a razor cutting through it. The word ‘relief’ written in block letters screaming from the page with little skulls surrounding it. I wait for her to say something, but her eyes are trained on the page. She turns the page. The words ‘courage’ and ‘self-love’ are linked together. A flower pattern drawn repeatedly, surrounding the words.
She exhales and lifts her gaze. “These are stunning. You could totally sell them as coloring books. Take advantage of the trend.”
I shake my head. “They are too personal.”
She seems to sense my discomfort. She shuts the book and tosses it on the bed. “I had a very hard time when my parents divorced, I was ten-years-old,” she announces abruptly, catching me off guard. “It took me a couple of therapy sessions, and a lot of time, to accept that the two people I loved the most in the whole world, weren’t together anymore.”
“Oh, Megs. I’m sorry.” I want to hug her badly, but I hesitate for no apparent reason. I’m not used to hugging people other than my mom, Grandma Phoebes and my sisters.
She shrugs. “It was for the best, I guess. They couldn’t make it work. I don’t think it’s fair for people to stay together if all they cause each other is misery and regrets. My dad remarried and now lives in California. Mom is still single and happy. I’m okay with that.”
Yeah. I like this girl.
Before taking a sip of her coffee, she shoots a playful look at me from the rim of her cup.
“What?” I ask her. It feels good to just hang out with a girl my age, have someone who checks up on me, brings coffee and most of all, is interested in what I have to say. I hope I don’t mess this up.
Megs lowers her cup and holds it to her chest. “Spill.”
“Spill what?” Am I missing something?
She rolls her eyes and grins. “I saw Cole drop you off with his car right in front of your house.”
Oh, that. My stomach does its usual butterflies-fluttering thing and my cheeks warm at the memory of his hand on mine. Finding that little church while on my run was an amazing discovery. We aren’t a church-going family by any means, but it’s the one place that quiets my turbulent thoughts. Just me and a Higher Power. I believe there is someone greater than me. There just has to be.
I cringe, remembering the rush I got when I pressed the sharp edge of the Bible on my thigh. God, I’m messed up. Plus I sort of admitted that I noticed he goes somewhere every morning. I’ve noticed more than that though. The way he walks confidently, the way the muscles on his shoulders flex when he moves. . .Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to accept my sort-of-stalker-y award now.
I clear my throat and avert my gaze. “I went for a run and ended up at St. Christopher’s Church. That’s where he found me and offered to give me a lift.”
Mischief enters her face. “So, he stalked you?”
I laugh. “I’m not stalk-worthy.”
She shakes her head, a huge smile gracing her face as if she knows something I don’t. “Not from what I’ve heard.”
“Heard? From who? Oh my god! What are you talking about?” My giddy feeling turns to nervousness.
“Relax. Cole and his best friend, who is also my boyfriend, Simon, have been talking. Your name came up. Cole got all twitchy in a cute way. I’ve never seen him act that way, which means you affect him more than he wants to admit.”
The air locked in my chest bursts out of my parted lips in a rush. Cole has been talking about me? And why does that make me want to fly through the roof in joy? “Um. . .what did he say?”
“He said you’re pretty. He also mentioned that you sit on your roof every night, which seems to fascinate Cole a lot. Then Simon asked Cole if he needed help asking you out. Cole got all prickly and asked him to stay away from you. It was fun to watch, though. I can’t remember the last time someone claimed his attention like you seem to have done.”
And I swear my heart has sprouted little wings and is trying to break free from my chest and fly.
“So, what are your plans for today?” I ask, changing the subject, too flustered to continue with the previous conversation. I need to consume that information in small doses in the private sanctuary of my bed. At night.
She chuckles. “Too much?”
I clutch the coffee cup, hoping the caffeine will give me the strength I need to open up to Megs. It’s what friends do, right?
“I’m not used to it.” Her brows scrunch up in confusion. “I’ve only had one boyfriend. He lasted a month and took flight when he eventually saw the scars.”
Her face softens and her gaze lowers to my arms. “Do you still. . .do it? Cut?”
I shake my head. “I haven’t done it in a while, but sometimes I’m tempted. That’s why I run or doodle. I binge on ice cream too.” I smile at her, hoping the latter diffuses the situation.
She laughs. “We should have an ice cream and movies night soon.”
We decide that we’ll take Elon and Elise to the mall just to look around and get them out of the house. We chat about my new school and I realize we’ll be attending the same high school. She and I will be gr
aduating next year. Megs already has her life planned out ahead of her. She wants to be a nurse and her plan is to get a nursing degree.
Me? I haven’t decided yet. It’s either Music Therapy or Psychology. I want to be able to help people who have gone through what I did.
Maybe I can ask Josh to teach me a few things in sign language, just in case Cole and I meet again. I know he reads lips perfectly, but if feels good to throw him off his game.
Josh.
He’s been looking for any excuse he can get to drop by my house. I don’t want to encourage him in any way that will give him false hope about me being interested in him.
After Megs leaves, I walk to the window and duck my head out just as Josh’s laughter drifts toward me. He’s on their lawn, tossing a football with Nick. When Nick manages to catch it, he whoops and giggles.
Josh glances up as if sensing me, and waves. “Want to join us?” The sun rays bounce off his perfectly styled hair.
I shake my head. “Maybe another day. You two have fun.” His shoulders slump forward in disappointment. “I need a favor, though.”
He grins wide and winks. “Anything for you, darlin’.” I roll my eyes at his blatant flirting and press my lips together, fighting a smile. He crouches down to be eye level with Nick. They talk for a few moments, and then his little brother nods, turns and takes off toward the front door.
“You didn’t need to send him away.”
He shrugs his broad shoulders. “I just wanted to make sure you had my full attention.”
I laugh. “Stop flirting, Josh.” He shrugs again and slants his head to the side. “I’m thinking about. . .can you teach me how to sign, just a few words?”
I swear his shoulders slump down a bit and disappointment flashes across his face before it vanishes. It’s replaced by a smile. “Sure.”
“Perfect. Tomorrow at eleven o’clock?”
He nods just as a black pick-up truck with blaring music drives up the street and stops in front of his house. He turns around and waves at whoever is sitting behind the tinted windows before facing me again.
“Awesome. Can’t wait to start our lessons.” He winks again.
“Seriously, stop doing that.”
“You love it when I flirt with you.” He laughs, walking backwards. “Rule number one in ASL: Eyes and facial expressions are important. Your eyes and that sweet blush on your cheeks say a lot. You’re enjoying my flirting.”
I laugh, shaking my head. I kind of do, because I know it’s harmless flirting. Besides, I’ve already set my sights on someone else. “You’re incorrigible.”
A tall woman with blonde, wavy hair steps out of the driver’s seat and calls his name. Josh spins around and stalks over to her, scoops her off the ground and kisses her, pinning her to the car.
Another guy with dark hair steps out, interrupting the kissing session. After the one-armed hug and a round of back-thumping with their fists, they get inside the car. The driver does a U-turn, missing the Walker’s mailbox by barely an inch, before racing down the street and out of sight in all its music-blaring glory.
I leave my room and head to my mother’s to check on her. She sits in a rocking chair humming along to Yiruma’s River Flows in You that’s playing from the CD player on the desk next to the window. Her eyes focus on me as soon as I block her view of the garden. A soft smile stretches across her face.
“You remind me of your grandmother, honey. The freckles on your nose, the way you tilt your head to the side.”
And you remind me of my mother, the woman I looked up to when I was a child.
I wish I could tell her that, but I know the aftermath would be catastrophic. The last time I said something like that to her. She had fallen deeper into despair, shutting everyone out. My dad refused to take her to see the doctor. When he eventually did, she got medication and started therapy to help her through the depression that had started, I suspect, long before we were born.
So instead, I say, “Grandma Phoebe asked about you when I spoke to her on the phone earlier today. Want to pay her a visit with me?”
Her smile fades. She sits up and starts fretting with her hair. “Do you think I look okay?”
I grab her hands and twine her fingers with mine. “You look perfect. Just a little lipstick and voila!” I beam at her.
Her nervous movements stop. She stares at me, tears in her eyes. Her gaze drops to my wrists, “I’m—you don’t deserve this. You’ve been so strong and here I am—”
“Mom.” She shakes her head furiously, tears brimming in her eyes. “Mom. Just focus on getting well, okay?”
Finally, the tears fall. She sobs soundlessly. Tears of the horrors she has probably gone through living under my dad’s iron hand. Unaccomplished dreams. Missed opportunities with her daughters.
After she calms down, we sit there holding hands and I tell her about Cole. There is not much to tell though. By the time I leave her room, she has already retreated into her shell. I’m not even sure she heard anything I said.
“I love you, Mom,” I whisper and kiss her cheek before leaving the room and walking out the front door.
I lower myself onto the swing on the porch and drop my head in my hands. I’m trying hard not to feel the weight of seeing my mother on a downward spiral. I wish I could help her.
Just a few hours until Dad comes home. Or not. He has gone back to his old habits like he did in Ohio; spending most of his time at the office. I’m not naive so I don’t believe he spends his nights there. Personally, I prefer if he doesn’t come home at all. At least this way, I don’t have to worry about his temper or what he might do when he’s angry.
After dinner, Elon and Elise clean up while I sit with my mother, urging her to eat. After a few spoonfuls from her plate, she pushes it away.
“Go, baby,” she says. “You don’t need to take care of me.”
I really do. I nod and stand up, then kiss her forehead. “I’ll be back later. Want to play a bit on the piano with me? We could let Elon and Elise jump around on the sofas,” I say softly, smiling, hoping my words will spark something inside her. Spark the kind of light I haven’t seen in a while.
She nods, smiling. I leave the room and, for the millionth time, wish my mother had pursued her career and never met my father. But where would my sisters and I be if that would have happened?
When I get to my room, I grab a handful of lemon drops from the table and lie down on my bed to listen to Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody on the gramophone, while waiting on my usual star-gazing hour. At exactly ten o’clock, I snatch my pillow from my bed and head for window, like I’ve been doing since we moved here, and settle on the roof, glad to have a place where I can watch the stars like I did in Ohio. My thoughts and problems vanish, replaced by the beauty of the star-filled dark sky.
This.
This is everything. Just me and the quiet night with the occasional honk of a car horn in the distance. Just me and the stars. When I close my eyes, I see the galaxy behind my eyelids; bursts of purple and blue. So mesmerizing. Stunning.
“Why are you in such a hurry, bro?” Josh signs when he meets me in the hallway.
“I am just going out for a walk,” I reply, the image of Nor still fresh in my head. The minute I saw her crawl out of her window, I felt this crazy urge to join her.
Josh glances at his watch, then looks up at me, a knowing grin splitting his face. “Yeah, right.”
“What?” I ask, feeling irritated but at the same time, wanting to wipe that stupid grin off his face.
“She is on the roof. Just admit it, Cole. You can’t resist the pull.” He slaps me on my shoulder without warning, causing me to stumble forward. Apart from our similar heights, Josh has more bulk, which is a product of his training regimen. My body is made up of lean muscle that I have built up through the past few years, working construction in my dad’s company on weekends and school holidays. That and the occasional run.
I rub the nape of my neck and clench my jaw, fe
eling awkward. Should I admit that I feel differently toward Nor? That something about her just calls to me?
I scratch my head and turn to face him. The teasing look is gone from my brother’s face, replaced by a contemplative look.
He tucks his hands inside the pockets of his shorts. “It’s okay, you know. You don’t need to hold back. I’ve seen you sneak looks at the Blake’s House. I’ve also seen the look on your face whenever you see her.”
I won’t ask him what he means. “I thought you were interested in her. I’ve seen you flirting with her.”
He shakes his head. “It’s harmless. She asked me if I could teach her how to sign, which kind of knocked my ego down a few notches. Look, I know chicks haven’t been too good to you. If you feel something for her, no matter how small, just follow your instincts. Porn will only go so far.” He smirks at me.
“Jack ass.” I blow out a breath. “I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”
His eyebrows shoot up. “What is the worst thing that can happen?”
“Scare her by blurting out some random shit.” I run a hand down my face. Jesus. That would be the end of me.
He claps me on my shoulder. “When you feel like some random shit is about to leave your mouth, just stop talking and sign. Easy,” he jokes. “Oh hey. About those scars on her. . .she might be going through stuff and maybe she still cuts. Doesn’t that scare you?”
I scowl at him. “What are you, the Devil’s advocate? Didn’t you just tell me to go for it?”
“Yes,” he admits without shame. “I like her. But I love you, bro.”
I glance at the watch on my wrist and then look at the stairs. “No. Okay? I saw the scars, but I also saw beyond that. I saw pain and loneliness. She intrigues me.”
He finally steps aside, letting me pass. “Then don’t worry about making a fool of yourself.”
“Thanks, bro.” I grab him in our usual one-arm hug and spin around, but he grips my arm, stopping me.
“Take risks. Keep your head up and keep going, right?” He advises.