by Amanda Heath
He was looking pretty turned on, but now the mask is back. “I thought Gram would tell you, but she thought it would make you freaked. I know it will make you freaked, but I’m not going to lie about it.” He takes a step back and then another. Then he’s three feet in front of me. I can barely see him in the dark. “Our moms were best friends growing up. When my mom got married, yours decided she needed to get married too. So she married your father. Mine was married to an old bastard with a lot of money. She got pregnant with me pretty fast and I think that pissed your mom off. Neither of them wanted to be married, but they were after the money. So your mom stopped taking her birth control pills and got pregnant with you.” He can’t meet my eyes now. I know I don’t want to know what’s going to happen next. “When they found out you were a girl, they immediately started planning our wedding. Your mom didn’t take off with you right away. There are pictures of us as babies together. They used to put us to sleep in the same crib. Trying to make a bond.”
I sink down the gravel, the rocks digging into my butt. How can that be? How could this woman they called my mother be so deranged? Who does that, makes themselves get pregnant because their best friend was? It’s fucking sick.
“That’s fucking sick,” I whisper to him, looking at his striking face. You can tell he didn’t want to tell me. I can also tell he didn’t want to know himself. “That’s why Kellan called me your future bride.”
“Gram told me your Grandma said she wanted us to get married. That wasn’t true, it was our mothers who wanted us together.” He crosses back to me and sits down next to me. “I just didn’t know that I would want you. I honestly thought they would never find you. Then they did and all I could see anymore was you.” His smoky voice, tense. I can tell he doesn’t even want to talk about this, but that’s Channing for you. He says things no one else wants to hear. Even if he doesn’t want to. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Like last night. I’ve never felt like this before and it scares me.” Then he chuckles. I look over at him shocked. He meets my eyes. “I don’t think I have talked this much to another person in years.”
“But you talk to Gram, Richard and Royal,” I state looking away.
His index finger goes under my chin and tips it back towards his face. “Royal is just insightful. He’ll ask me questions and I’ll say yes or no. I talk the minimum to Margret and Richard.”
“I don’t know what to do here,” I say to him. I’m confused and shaken. No one ever wants to hear what a horrible person their mother was, even though they know she’s a terrible person.
“I don’t know either.” He states. Then we fall into a comfortable silence.
I break it. I’m still confused but I feel like he needs to hear this. “I really liked your poem. I didn’t even know you wrote.”
He tenses a bit but looks over at me. I take his hand and he intertwines our fingers. “I write all the time. Sometimes it’s the only thing keeping me sane.”
“Do you really want me to fall for you?” I whisper.
He gets up from the ground and runs his fingers through his hair. He seems frustrated but I don’t know why. “That’s what I want,” he whispers also. Looking back at me. I can’t see his eyes from here but I know what they look like. Full of fear and uncertainly. “I’m scared though. I’ve never been in a serious relationship. And I really don’t want to fuck this up.”
I’m scared too. Sometimes he consumes my thoughts and that was before I knew how he felt. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be with him and I screw up. But I know that I want to fall for him. I know deep in my soul that I will never have a love in my life like I would with Channing.
And that’s the scariest thought I’ve ever had.
“I don’t know if that’s what I want,” I tell him looking away.
He runs his fingers through his hair yet again. “Paisley, don’t fuck with my head. I’ve had enough of that in my life. I can’t do crazy bitches anymore.”
I flinch with the comparison to his mother. To my mother. “I’m not fucking with your head. Maybe we shouldn’t do this.”
I can see he’s pissed now. He’s unable to see my fear that I’m trying to push him away, like he was trying to push me away. “Stop. The. Fucking. Head. Games!” he yells, taking a deep breath after each word.
“I’m not!” I yell back. Who knows what the truth is anymore. I’ve been screwed by a lot of people, but I’m still here. I wouldn’t survive being fucked over by Channing. I wouldn’t survive him breaking my heart.
“Dammit Paisley! Open your fucking eyes! This is fucking real. You and me, that’s real. What we feel isn’t a fling. I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life. Don’t take it from me,” his voice is pleading.
My body breaks out in a cold sweat and I wipe my palms on my leggings. My limbs shake and I don’t know if I’m mad or just plain fucked up. Maybe it’s me with the commitment issues. No, I know it is me. So I do something for myself, I let go of that fear. Though it comes out more like anger.
“Make me, Channing. Make me fall. Push me, shove me, just make sure I get there,” I shout at him, taking a step back. His eyes clash with me. I read the challenge there, making me take another step back.
He stalks the few steps to me and grabs my arms slamming his forehead down on mine. “I’ll make you.” His lips skim against mine as he continues to speak. “And I’ll be falling right there with you.”
Chapter 21
“OH MY GOD!” Carly screeches into the phone.
I wince and pull the thing from my ear. “Jesus Carly, no need to yell,” I mutter, trying to rub the ringing out.
“This is so amazing! I can’t wait to come and see your new house! And I can’t wait to see you! Can we go shopping? Huh? I want to spend some of your money!” She’s still yelling but since I’m keeping the phone away from my face until I know she’s calmed down enough to speak in an inside voice.
I roll from my back to my stomach, taping the screen on my phone until it turns on the speakerphone. “Yeah we can go shopping. But we’ll have to bring my friend Rachel. She’s a way better shopper then I am.”
“I don’t even care right now that you have a new best friend! I just can’t wait to get there!” Still yelling, but I turned the volume down so she’s not so loud.
I laugh. “I can’t wait for you to get here either. I miss you so much. How’s everything? Mark? Derek?”
“Derek is fine. You know him. Him and Donna broke up but I’m not surprised, considering he was sleeping with the rest of the female population. And Mark is still great and wonderful. Can I see if he can come? I know he’ll be bored but I can’t bear to be away from him that long.”
I roll my eyes. “Yes you can bring Mark. I’ll make Derek sleep on the couch, then.”
We take about the trip for a few more minutes and I rejoice in the sound of her voice. I can’t wait till she’s here. Then she starts asking the questions I hope she wouldn’t. “So has Channing made anymore moves?”
I groan before rolling onto my back. “He wants to be with me. I think,” I confess to her. While I asked him to make me fall, I don’t know if we moved into boyfriend and girlfriend, or if we are just casually dating. Teenage boys are so weird. I’m like, if you like a girl, who cares. Make her your girl. No need to playing games.
Then I remember the female population is worse. We play games like no one’s business, so I guess dudes have to be weird. They don’t know if we are being serious or if we just want to have a little fun.
“WHAT?!” she hollers at the top of her lungs.
I cringe. I should have figured she’d have that reaction. “Yeah. I kissed him at his house, and he came over that night. It was so weird, Carly. I started my period so I texted him to not come but he did anyway.” I pick up the phone and sit up. I hold it in front of my face as I explain. “He brought me chocolate, Midol and tampons. I thought I was going to faint, he was so sweet. Then he stayed to watch a movie and we kissed. It
was simple and sweet. Then I fell asleep on him and he before he left, he wrote me a little poem.” I read it to her and listen to her ooh and aah.
“Oh my gosh! I’m like so jelly right now! I’ve been with Mark for years and he’s never done any of that! What a freaking asshole. I’m going to call him when I get off the phone with you and bitch him out. He better step up his a game.” She mutters and I can picture her face all scrunched up in anger.
I can’t help chuckling before lying back down on my back. I hold the phone above my face, studying the picture of Carly and I in the background. “That’s not it though. The next day at school Royal was talking to me at my locker, and Channing wrapped his arm around my waist and kissed my hair. Right in front of Royal! Then he grabbed my hand on his way out of first period. He sat next to me at lunch, which confused everyone. I made up a lie about blackmailing him. Rachel thought that was epic. Anyway he kept finding ways to touch me through out the day and I found myself looking forward to it.
“Ugh but at the party that night, I saw him coming down the stairs buttoning up his shirt with Jasmine all over him. He said it was nothing, but I didn’t really believe him. We got into it and I kind of asked him to make me fall for him.”
“WHAT?! You did not! Oh my god that’s crazy. I never thought I’d see the day you asked something like that of anyone. What did he say?”
I take a deep breath and explain how he kissed me and said he’d be right there with me. She yelled again and I swear I felt blood coming out of my ear. We talk a little bit more about Channing and what I was going to do. I simply said I was going to take it one day at a time. It’s been four days since the party and I really haven’t talked to him. He still finds ways to touch me at school and he is still sitting next to me at lunch. Seventh period though he started sitting at our table. He doesn’t talk to me much but I feel him looking at me when he thinks I don’t know he is.
The sexual tension is getting out of control. I’ve even started dreaming of having sex with him, which weirds me out. Who does that? Me apparently, because I’m a freaking freak. Though I know he’s feeling it too. His eyes are all liquid heat and lust. The other day, just to torture him, I let the top five buttons undone on my shirt and rolled my skirt up until it was way too short. I only did this at lunch but you should have seen him. The blank mask was gone and he looked down right angry. He never said anything though and I’m really disappointed.
That was today and I was hoping he’d at least text me. You figured if he really wanted to be with me, he would make some kind of move. Nope, I’m sitting here all alone and twiddling my thumbs.
Royal finds the entire experience funny and often tells me I’m driving poor Channing crazy. I simply replied that poor Channing was driving me crazy, not the other way around. He told me to give Channing time, that this was all new to him. He doesn’t know what to do with me or how to act, Royal explained. I guess I can understand that, but still. If there’s going to be any kind of relationship he could at least talk to me.
I fall asleep with Maggie’s huge paw on my forehead. She keeps me super warm at night. I swear I would never need a guy to sleep with me because she’s the perfect electric blanket.
***
“Paisley…” someone whispers near my ear. I blink a few times before I almost let out a scream. Channing’s hand clamps down on my mouth before I could let it out. “Shh, baby, it’s just me,” he murmurs, removing his hand.
“What the hell Channing!” I shove at his chest, just now realizing he is pretty much lying on top of me. We are going to pretend that doesn’t feel really good. Especially since I get a whiff of his cologne and now I want to nuzzle his neck.
“Sorry. I called you first, but you didn’t answer.” He doesn’t budge from my body and I notice his not wearing a shirt. His skin is warm and hard with muscles.
“That should have alerted you that I was asleep,” I mutter dropping my hands from his chest. I really can’t touch him right now or I’ll molest him. True story.
He sighs and looks down at me. The only light in my room is from the bathroom. I keep a night light on in there in case I have to pee in the middle of the night. I can’t see his features all that well, but I can feel those eyes looking at me. “I’m sorry, but I really wanted to see you,” he whispers leaning down to kiss me.
I try my best to sit up then and shove him off the bed. He makes a frustrated sound and moves away from me. I jump out of bed and turn the lights on. If he thinks he can come in here for a booty call, then he has another think coming. “What do you want? Because I haven’t talked to you in like a week. I thought you wanted to be with me or whatever. Not use me as your booty call.”
He rubs a hand down his face and looks away from me. That’s when I see I’m only wearing a black tank top and black lace panties. I don’t even have a bra on! I feel my face heat from embarrassment. This is not what I wanted to be wearing when we had this conversation.
“Paisley, get under the covers,” he spits out, tossing the covers aside so I can crawl in.
I don’t make a move and just stare at him wide eyed. Did he just boss me around? Oh hell no! “Why?” I ask putting my hands on my hips.
He groans and closes his eyes. “I’m ten seconds away from coming over there and fucking you,” he growls, the muscles in his jaw twitching.
“Oh,” I whisper moving quickly to get under the covers. That was a close one.
“Thank you.” He sighs falling to his back on the bed. I cover my legs and study him. His skin is all golden and smooth; his hair is flat around his head and falling into his eyes. His features are tense and I want to smooth my fingers over his jaw, to release it. His long legs hang off my bed covered in a pair of tight jeans. No shoes or socks, which is strange.
“Why are you here?” I ask after a long silence. I can’t stand it anymore.
He rolls to his side and props his head on his palm. The hair falls to the side and I can see his face more clearly. “I couldn’t stay away anymore. I got to be honest with you. I have no idea what I’m doing here. Before I came over here, Royal called. He told me you don’t know what you’re doing either. Which makes things even more complicated.” He rubs his face again, frustration clear in his eyes. “I want to be with you so much it’s crazy. I find myself thinking about you when I shouldn’t be. I stare at you in class like some fucking creeper and when you catch me you just smile. You should beat the shit out of me for that. It’s fucking weird.”
I can’t help the choked up laugh. He hears it and smiles. “I don’t think it’s creepy.” I close my eyes and grip the covers in front of me. “I really like it when you look at me. I feel really beautiful,” I confess keeping my eyes closed.
I feel him shift on the bed and when I open my eyes, he’s right there staring at me. “You, Paisley, are the most beautiful girl I have ever met. Even your name is beautiful. And I find it amazing you don’t know. You have no idea the effect you have on people.” His hand comes up to cup my cheek. “Just the other day, you calmed Rachel down with a few simple words. Before you came here, she couldn’t be calmed down. She would throw fits to rival a toddler. And Royal, he couldn’t even be friends with girls before you came around. He told me tonight he had more respect for you than anyone else, and I don’t know what you even did to get that. Royal only respect two other people in his life and that’s me and his grandmother.”
I know my eyes are wide and I’m trembling, but I don’t care. When you have Channing Southerland staring into your eyes and telling you you’re beautiful, you don’t care about anything but what he’s saying.
“I respect you, and I like you. That’s hard for me to do. I don’t like anyone, save for a few people. The second I met you, I liked you. You didn’t care who I was, what I was doing here, or even to talk to me. I could see it in your eyes; you really didn’t give a fuck. You thought I was hot but lots of girls think I’m hot.” His thumb rubs along my cheek and I feel tears brimming. There are still hormones
from my period. That’s why I want to cry.
“You’re really cocky,” I tell him softly and he laughs.
“Yeah, I am. I’m not going to change that either.” He kisses my forehead and I smile. He’s cocky, smart, sweet and sexy. I’m in so much damn trouble. He lies down beside me and gets under the covers pulling me into his arms.
I get up on my elbows and touch his face. “Thank you,” I say softly and sweetly. He rewards me with a huge grin and a blush. I just made Channing Southerland blush!
We are quiet for a minute, lost in our own thoughts. Then I break it because I’m a girl and that’s what we do. “So what’s going on here?” I mutter, only because I have to know.
Surprising me, he laughs and rolls me to my back. “Here, we are together. I want you to be mine and I might be shit for a boyfriend, but I want to try. I think I might go insane but that might be a good thing.” He leans his forehead to mine and I smile. Always in my face. “I don’t like people knowing my business. I have a fucked up past and I’ll tell you whatever you want to know about that, but I don’t want anyone else to know. I’m not a PDA kind of guy, so if you want that I can try. I’m not making any promises there, because people looking at me makes me uncomfortable.” Then he sighs and brushes his lips against mine. My arms go around his neck and my hands go into his hair. “I don’t want you to be with other guys. I know that shit with Royal was fake, so I’ll let that go. I haven’t been with another girl since I met you, I promise you that.” He pulls back and makes intense eye contact. “I’ll probably suck as a boyfriend, but at this point I would do anything for you. If you want me, I’m here and I always will be.”
My smile gets huge and I pull his face until his lips meet mine. It’s gentle but still overwhelming, everything with him is overwhelming, but I don’t give a crap. I know it wasn’t easy for him to admit all that, but I would do anything for him at this point. Just like he said he would for me. I break away to say, “I’ll be yours, Channing. I want to be yours, Channing.”