The Future Homemakers of America

by Laurie Graham

  ‘Oh, I won't,’ she said. ‘I'm gonna buy a tape now and get it round to Deana's.’

  The Weelkes Wing opening went off okay. We had pan pipes music and we served jalapeño nachos and bitter chocolate and orange pyramids. The parrots were Grice's idea. He said he was hiring cute little green parakeets, wouldn't be any trouble, but when the woman arrived with them they weren't no parakeets. I'm no expert, but I know a big mean bird when I see one. The guy they hassled was Dr Mitchell Crocker, come all the way from the University of Michigan.

  As Grice said, they may have picked on him because his hairpiece looked like some kind of fibrous vegetable matter. Or it could have been because his whiny voice excited them. Either way, we came close to disaster, so the birds got paid off early.

  ‘Okay,’ Grice said. ‘You were right. I was wrong. We should have gone for the tame llama after all.’

  I said, ‘Take my advice. Keep all animals out of the equation.’

  ‘Mmm,’ he said. ‘Know what we overlooked too? Human sacrifice. Damn! Well, there goes our Inca reputation.’

  I went home with him to watch Gayle. First time I'd been inside his place, all the years I'd known him. It was neat and clean, no more than you'd expect from a nice boy like Grice. It didn't feel very cosy, though. More like a hotel room than a home, and I said so.

  ‘Well,’ he said ‘I'm not here too much, you know? It's kind of a place to sleep when I can't get down to Tucker's.’

  I said, ‘You mean you got a room at his place?’ Crystal always reckoned he did.

  ‘Sure I do,’ he said. ‘I mean, the late hours we work, and you saw Miss Lady. Tucker can't leave her. So I have to keep a place in town.’

  I said, ‘You make it sound like you're a married couple.’

  ‘If only,’ he said. ‘If only.’ Seemed like Crystal was right all along. Such a know-all.

  The show started.

  They showed Gayle and Lemarr at one of their healing rallies, like the one me and Betty had seen. Then they showed inside the mouths of some folks claimed God had fixed their teeth through the healing hands of Gayle. Finally we got to see Gayle close up. She was looking good. She was wearing her hair bigger, and she was dressed more tailored than before.

  Grice said, ‘Is she younger than you?’

  I don't know what he meant by that.

  Whatever the interviewer asked her, she had a text for it. Romans 8; Isaiah 53. She just knew them all off the top of her head. Just shows what a person can learn if they only put their mind to it.

  ‘Why teeth?’ they asked her.

  ‘Many healers are now specialising,’ she said. ‘Mine is not to reason, but to do whatever work the Lord sends me.’

  ‘And do people have to come to you? Do you have to touch them?’

  ‘All they have to do is believe,’ she said. ‘People write me and they are healed. People telephone me and they are healed. People even can touch their TV screens and be healed, if they believe. “Himself took our infirmities and bare our sicknesses,” Matthew 8:17.’

  The interviewer said, ‘Do people pay you for this dental work?’

  ‘I'm no dentist,’ she said. ‘I make no charge for my prayers. But without the generous support of our friends the Lemarr Passy Tabernacle could not continue its work. Every gift, no matter how small, is good in the eyes of the Lord. “The poor widow threw in two mites,” Mark 12:42.’

  I went out to the bathroom. When I come back, Grice was running the tape again, got his face right up to the TV screen.

  I said, ‘You'll ruin your eyes.’

  ‘Never mind my eyes,’ he said, ‘I have a loose crown needs fixing. And I believe, Lord! I believe!’

  87

  ‘I've got two things to tell you,’ Kath said. ‘I've kept trying Audrey's number, see how she's going on, and now she's been cut off. I'd take a drive out there again only I'm chocker with work. And the other thing is, we've got a marvellous programme on the telly now and it's called Dallas. I never miss it. I watch it like a hawk, keep thinking I might see you walking past in the street.’

  I said, ‘They must have moved.’

  All the times she had moved when she was married to the airforce, every one of us got a card with her new address.

  ‘Didn't pay their phone bill, more like,’ Kath said.

  I said, ‘Audrey never left a bill unpaid in her life. Something's up.’

  ‘Oh, don't say that,’ she said. ‘She knows she can always come to me, if she's got troubles. And I will go out there again. I'll look through the letterbox, see if there's bills piling up. But it won't be this week. I'm booked solid.’

  Kath wasn't the only one busy that summer. We created an Old-Fashioned party for Moody Pierce up by White Rock Lake and it was so fabulous the whole town wanted one. We decorated the terrace with masses of gardenias. Served fried chicken and potato salad and stuff like that. Everyone ended up in the pool and then we had girls, dressed like Roxy usherettes, bringing round Dixie cups of peach ice cream.

  By September I had ate so much leftover ice cream I was having trouble closing my zippers. I called Betty, see about getting some more of her miracle fat-burner. Carla answered.

  I said, ‘I'm glad to hear you're back.’

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, ‘I'm back. I guess you heard about Mom?’

  Betty was in State, getting tests. Carla said, ‘They did a colposcopy and now they're doing a cone biopsy, tomorrow probably. She's got cancer cells and they have to look see how far it's gone.’

  I said, ‘Is that bad?’

  ‘Could be,’ she said. ‘Problem is, Aunty Peggy, you can't get any sense out of her, how long this has been going on. You know what she's like, anything below the belt? It might not have come to light yet if Slick hadn't gotten so worried about her back-ache. He just about dragged her to the doctor's office.’

  I said, ‘I know she was tired. And that family stuff was getting her down. You and Deana work out your differences?’

  She laughed. ‘Well,’ she said, ‘that's another story.’

  Apparently two nights before Deana and Delta were meant to be going on their prize vacation to Florida, Deana had a road accident. She had gone out to buy a six-pack for Bulldog, got shunted by a car didn't stop at a red, and ended up in the emergency room, neck injuries and suspected fracture of the skull. By the time they let her out of hospital the plane had left for Florida with Bulldog and Delta on it. Last they heard, Delta and Bulldog were living as man and wife in South Miami.

  I said, ‘But Delta's only a child.’

  ‘No,’ she said, ‘as a matter of fact, she's sixteen.’

  I said, ‘So Deana's on the warpath after Bulldog?’

  ‘Oh no,’ she said. ‘Deana blames Delta. I mean, forty-year-old guy runs off with his girlfriend's sixteen-year-old kid, stands to reason you're gonna blame the kid. So, to answer your question. Me and Deana still don't see eye to eye. It's just the reasons have changed. Meanwhile, Mom's quietly getting cancer.’

  I said, ‘Know what frightens me? I thought these smear checks we get were meant to show up any problems? It spooks me to think something like this can still creep up on you.’

  ‘Aunty Peggy,’ she said, ‘you don't think Mom ever took one of those checks, do you? I'll tell you where those appointment cards went: straight in the trash can. You know Mom. She'd sooner get sick than take her clothes off for a doctor.’

  I said, ‘You take care of yourself, now, Carla. And get your sisters to start pulling their weight.’

  ‘Sure,’ she said. ‘Only don't let's hold our breath till they do.’

  Kath phoned me for my birthday.

  ‘I had a letter from Audrey,’ she said. ‘No address, not even a telephone number, but I took my magnifying glass to the postmark and I reckon that said Yorkshire. She says, I'll read it to you, “The gallery has been going through lean times, so we're having to tighten our belts. We've been lucky enough to borrow a dear little cottage …” See what I mean, Peg? I reckon he
's gone bust. They've scarpered. I mean, what about that big house he had? And Audrey's money?’

  I felt so depressed.

  I said to Grice, ‘I'm fifty-two. My friends are all getting sick or taking leave of their senses. I neglected my mother. I hate my sister.’

  ‘Anything else?’ he said.

  I said, ‘Yes. My daughter is too busy stuffing ferrets to remember my birthday.’

  ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Here are your options. I can take you out to Mountain Creek now, put heavy rocks in your pants and just throw you in. Or, you can get chop suey with me and Tucker and watch a Judy Garland movie.’

  88

  June of ‘79 I got a card announcing that Sandie Moon and her husband Gerry had finally got the little baby they had longed for, named him Patrick Herbert for his two granddaddies; and also a call from Betty to say that Delta had come home in the family way, whereabouts of Daddy Bulldog not known.

  Betty was just about back on her feet after her big op. She had been on the table getting a radical hysterectomy.

  I said, ‘Has she moved in with you?’

  ‘Well, where else is she gonna go?’ she said. ‘Deana won't have her within a mile of her trailer.’

  Then, just as I was thinking I couldn't get left behind much further, Lois now a grandma twice over and Betty gonna be a great-grandma, I heard from Crystal that she was getting married to a boy called Marc Fry. He was the deputy editor of Cranberry News.

  I said, ‘You have made me a very happy woman.’

  ‘Think nothing of it,’ she said. ‘Just don't ask me to have ten bridesmaids and a three-room gift-display.’

  They had fixed on late September, on account of Vern's place having a quiet spell then, while the wild nightcrawlers were being harvested.

  I said, ‘Spare me the details. I suppose you won't be having it in a church?’

  ‘Correct,’ she said.

  I said, ‘Well, a city-hall wedding can be very nice.’

  ‘It probably can,’ she said, ‘but we're not getting one of those neither. We're writing our own vows and we're gonna make them on a boat out in Penobscot Bay.’

  I said, ‘Is that legal?’

  ‘Don't start,’ she said.

  Grice squealed when I told him. ‘Look at it this way,’ he said, ‘at least you know exactly what to wear. Deck shoes, and something that tones with motion-sickness-green.’

  Crystal and Marc were making all their own arrangements, which was kinda hard for me to take, having been in the business and all, but they weren't kids. I couldn't lay down the law. And it was just gonna be a small affair, everybody going for a mess of lobster and beer after this home-made ceremony.

  I said to Crystal, ‘Can I buy you a washer-drier?’

  ‘Got one, thanks,’ she said.

  I said, ‘How about a dishwasher?’

  ‘Got one of those, too.’

  Marc, being a slightly older man, came fully equipped.

  I said, ‘Well, you're hard to treat. How about some money for your honeymoon?’

  ‘Now you're talking!’ she said. ‘We're going to South Africa. Seeing rhino, hippo, all the big cats. You sleep in a tent and they take you out in a four-wheel drive and show you everything. And please don't say, “Well, Crystal, if that's what you really want.”’

  I said, ‘Sounds like you've found a soulmate.’

  ‘I have, Mom,’ she said. ‘And you'll love him too.’

  Marc's folks were dead. All he had was a brother, might be coming down from Ottawa for the wedding.

  Crystal said, ‘Marc's clean. He doesn't have any weird kin or any dark secrets.’

  I said, ‘You by any chance planning to wear pants for this wedding?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘I'll probably pick something out from L. L. Bean. We'll probably get his ‘n’ hers waders too.’

  I said, ‘Is Martine gonna be there?’

  ‘Of course,’ she said.

  I said, ‘Is she pretty?’

  ‘Mom!’ she said. ‘There's nobody in the world as beautiful as you.’

  I was so choked, I couldn't answer her.

  I always had wondered about Martine, though. I never had seen any pictures, and when your ex takes another wife, you can't help but be curious. The way Crystal told it, Martine's boy Eugene wasn't no oil-painting. I didn't really care. I'd looked after myself. I'd probably get a few facials the month before I went up there. And I'd definitely give Betty's Lipo-Zipp a try. You get to a certain time of life, don't matter what you eat, your hips spread up and your bosom creeps down and everything just settles round your middle. I was thinking to get a plain sheath dress, not too fitted, and a matching jacket.

  I was thinking, whatever I wore I'd probably look like royalty alongside of a worm-farmer's wife.

  When I heard Vern's voice, I naturally thought he was calling about the wedding.

  ‘That you, Peg?’ he said. Then he started. It came at me like a flash flood. ‘You've got some nerve, getting me involved with that Moon kid and not levelling with me. You ask a person a favour, you owe them the full story. That way they know what they're letting theirs elves in for.’

  I said, ‘Vern, I don't know what the hell you're talking about.’

  He said, ‘Kirk Moon is what I'm talking about. Causing bad feeling between decent folk. You know how many years Bob Pick's been a friend of mine?’

  Bottom line was, Kirk was finished at Glens Falls Reel-and-Lure. I said, ‘He have his hand in the till?

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘Worse than that. He was fired for lewd and diabolical behaviour, and don't even ask me to tell you. You must have known what he was like.’

  He was yelling, just like the bad old days. ‘I had my doubts all along,’ he said, ‘and I should have listened to them. Doing favours. Well, not any more. From now on, I don't ask no favours and I don't do none.’

  I said, ‘What kind of behaviour did you say?’

  ‘I'm not going into it,’ he said. ‘You must have known what he's like. You've seen him.’

  I said, ‘Vern, I haven't seen him since he was a boy. He's a married man now, got a kid of his own.’

  ‘Then ask Lois,’ he said. ‘Get her to explain why a twenty-five-year-old couldn't find himself a job. Has he been in reformatory? He done time?’

  I said, ‘Do you think I'd have asked you to help him if I knew he was trouble? All I knew was what Lois told me. Sounded like he'd had a bad run of luck. Then there was a baby on the way.’

  ‘Bad run of luck!’ he said. He was still yelling. ‘That's real con-talk. Never got an even break neither, I'll bet. Never got straightened out, more like. Never saw enough of Herb's belt. And that's another blow. Was a time I'd have trusted Herb Moon with my life. Now I find out he's spawned a reprobate, behaves like he was never showed right from wrong. You can tell Herb and Lois from me they got some neck dumping a piece of work like that on innocent strangers.’ And he slammed down the phone.

  I felt sick. I got the shakes. I phoned Lois.

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, ‘thought I'd be hearing from you.’ She made me feel bad before I even started, like I was the one making trouble.

  ‘Look,’ she said, ‘it just didn't work out, okay? Sometimes things don't. I don't see why folks have to make such a big deal out of it.’

  I said, ‘What'd he do, Lo? Vern's in a real fit.’

  ‘I swear,’ she said, ‘these woodchucks oughta get out more, see a little of the world. They spent five minutes in New York they wouldn't get scandalised so easy.’

  I asked her again, what he had done.

  ‘All he needs,’ she said, ‘is for people to show a little patience and understanding. And now he's really down. Marisa's gone home. Her folks won't let him see Cory. I told them they should just butt out. He's pacing around the house. He's even driving Herb nuts.’

  I screamed at her. I said, ‘Lois, just tell me what he did!’ Matter of fact, I said the F-word. First time I ever used it, and I pray it's the last. Made her
change her attitude, though.

  ‘Oh Peg,’ she said, all soothing and sweet, ‘you know Kirk's always had some weird ways. He just made some suggestion to one of the old boys in the store. You know? Like a joke?’

  I said, ‘He didn't get fired for a joke.’

  ‘Well,’ she said. ‘He might have done it a few times. He might have given them a flash of his privates or something.’

  I said, ‘Might have? Did he or didn't he?’

  ‘So they say,’ she said. ‘But who would you believe? Young married man, got a good-looking wife, or some old hayseed, only action he ever sees is Rosy Palm and her five sisters?’

  I said, ‘You telling me he didn't do anything? Or he might have done something? What are you telling me? Anybody brought charges?’

  She said, ‘Will you quit the interrogation? I'm sorry if Vern gave out to you, but it's finished now. Me and Herb are dealing with it. Herb'll give Vern a call, smooth things over.’

  I said, ‘Kirk ever done a thing like that before?’

  ‘Crying out loud, Peg,’ she said, drop it, will you? What's it to you anyway?’

  I said, ‘I'll tell you what it is to me. I'm all ready to fly up to Maine, stand beside Vern Dewey and watch our daughter get married, and as of 9 p.m. this evening Vern isn't even speaking to me.’

  ‘Know what I think?’ she said. ‘You're such a tight-ass, Peggy. No wonder Vern left you. Why don't you just loosen up? And quit picking on my boy.’

  I didn't say another word to her. Just put down the telephone. I never expected to speak to her again, not as long as I lived.

  I didn't sleep. First thing, I called Crystal.

  I said, ‘Honey, I don't think I can come to your wedding.’

  ‘Mom,’ she said, ‘you've been on my case since ever since Trent Weaver. You don't show up, we'll come down there and get you.’

  I told her about Kirk and everything, but she already knew.

  ‘You'd think he'd have been more careful,’ she said, ‘leaving a little thing like that lying around in a bait store.’ Crystal always could make me feel better.

  Half an hour later Vern phoned. All he said was, ‘Idiot! See you next week.’