This is how it should be. My friends giving each other shit about life, a game on the television, and my wife sitting at the table with her best friend, talking babies while she wears my shirt and her hair is still ruffled from the quick make-out session we had in the garage. Every once in a while she looks over her shoulder at me and catches me staring at her. We share a smile, one of those that half promises something more later, because fuck if she’s not the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen and half makes me feel like a teenager scoping out my crush.
Taking a sip of my beer, I hear my name spoken beside me and I glance over at Jiggs.
“Did ya hear any of that?” he asks me.
“Nope.”
“Cord wonders if there’s a fuse that’s bad.”
I glance at Cord. “Maybe. We didn’t check that yet.”
“Now ya got me wondering,” Jiggs says, standing up. I follow suit.
“I’m gonna take a piss,” Cord says, “then I’ll meet ya both out there.” He disappears down the hall. I grab my jacket off the back of the couch while Jiggs heads to the coat closet by the door.
Slipping on my coat, I head over to Elin. The computer is lit up with row after row of things I can’t imagine a baby would ever need. Ever.
“What in the hell is that thing?” I ask, gathering my wife’s hair back in one hand. The strands are silky in my palm.
“It’s a breastfeeding cushion,” Lindsay starts to say before her phone rings. She glances down at it. “That’s my mom. Do you mind if I answer?”
“Go,” Elin tells her before tipping her head back so she’s looking up at me. “You heading to the barn?”
“Yeah, just for a bit. You ready to go?”
She yawns. “Yeah, I’m tired.”
“You just wanna go to bed with me,” I tease.
“Always.”
“Ready?” Jiggs yells from the entryway.
I kiss Elin on the forehead and make my way to the front of the house.
ELIN
I scroll through the website and add a few things to the favorites list for Lindsay to check out. Clicking one last baby bib that says, “My Aunt Rocks,” I smile as I shut the lid to the computer. Stretching my arms over my head, I yawn again.
“Hey,” a voice drawls out from behind me.
I jump at the intrusion and twist in my seat. “Cord! You scared me. I thought you went to the barn.”
“Sorry,” he laughs, shrugging on his jacket. He eyes me curiously. “What’s going on with you these days?”
“Um,” I say, lifting and dropping my shoulders, “nothing new. What about you?”
“Nothing new over here.”
“Ran into Becca lately?” I hint.
“No,” he chuckles. “I told you that wasn’t going to happen.” He pulls a chair out across from me and sits, shaking his head.
I watch him as he dazes off, his mind clearly somewhere else.
“Hey,” I say. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” He drops his hands on the table, the sound making a thud. “I just . . . I feel . . . lost.”
His words spear me, and instinctively, I place my hand on top of his. A small smile graces his lips at the contact and I wish I could jump up and hug him, but I’m afraid it would break the moment.
“Why do you feel that way?”
“You know how you said you always knew you were going to be a teacher? And how Ty just falls into coaching like it’s what he was born to do? Or the way Lindsay smiles the whole time she’s cuttin’ your hair? Or the way Jiggs never stops trying to work on cars, even though we all know he can’t fix them for shit?”
“Yeah,” I laugh, watching the twinkle grow in his eyes.
“I don’t have that. Y’all have this passion for something, this . . .” He runs his hands through the air, like he’s trying to grab words. “Something you were born to do. Something that was in your blood the day you were brought to this world. You all have a toolbox for life. I don’t.”
“First of all,” I say, tucking a leg under me and settling in for the long haul with this conversation, “I believe you know how much of a mess my life has been. And I do believe it was you that set me straight. It was your tools I borrowed.”
“Life makes no sense to me.”
“Life doesn’t make sense to any of us, Cord.”
“No, I mean it really doesn’t make sense to me. Nothing I’ve ever done seems like the right thing. I’ve never felt like I fit in, except with you guys. I’ve never felt a connection with a girl that’s deeper than a fuck. No job or place feels like that’s what I should do. Does that make sense?”
Sighing, I reach my other hand across the table and place it over his. “Look, maybe you just haven’t found your path yet. But you have time to figure out what you were put on this Earth to do and who you’re supposed to love. You’ll get it.”
He narrows his eyes, a smirk on his lips. “Ya think?”
“I know,” I say, squeezing his hands before sitting back in my chair.
He studies me for a long minute, then two, before leaning against the table. The light hanging above us shines on his face and catches on the watch on his wrist.
“What else do you know?” he asks, raising his brow.
“As in?”
“Don’t use your teacher voice with me,” he laughs.
“Well, it’s what I use when I’m not understanding what you mean,” I giggle.
“As in, do you have any secrets or news you’d like to share with the class?”
Laughing, I yawn yet again. “No. Not that I know of. Why? Do you know something I should know?”
He peers at me through his long lashes. “Excuse me for asking, but since you’re so in my business, I’ll jump into yours. Are you pregnant?”
“What?” I gasp, sitting up straight. “No. Of course not. Why would you ask me that?”
“You’ve yawned all night.”
“I’m tired! I can’t sleep when Ty’s at work.”
“Your face is flushed.”
“It’s hot as hell in here.”
“And,” he says, “you didn’t touch your dinner tonight.”
“Because the hamburger was pink and I can’t eat it when it’s mooing at me,” I say with a huff, as I rise from the table.
I start to say something else. That I’d rather not discuss the topic of pregnancy with him. It dredges up things I’d rather not think about. But the more I think about it, the more a little bubble of uncertainty sits in the middle of my stomach.
I race through a calendar in my head, trying to figure out when to expect my period. It’s never exactly on time and with the stress of everything, I haven’t paid a lot of attention.
My heartbeat starts to quicken and I feel my cheeks heat further.
Cord’s chair pushes out, the legs dragging against the floor. I look up at him and he smiles.
“Cord . . .” My mouth goes dry before I can say anything else.
“Reading people is a remnant of being a foster kid. You learn to read people, notice little things because if you don’t, you’ll get your ass kicked,” he shrugs. “If you are, congratulations. And if you’re not . . . it will happen,” he says, tossing the hood of his jacket over his head. “Now I’m going to go show those boys how to work on a truck.”
He winks and heads out the front door, leaving me in the kitchen with my jaw hanging wide open.
ELIN
“What?” I look up as Lindsay rounds the corner. Her hand still holds her phone, as her face mars with confusion. “What?” she asks again.
I laugh, a sound of disbelief married with anxiety. “I’m not sure.”
“Dude, you’re scaring me,” she says, coming towards me. “What’s the matter, Elin?”
My hand trembles as I raise it from my side. The bangle bracelets on my wrist rustle prettily together. As if on auto-pilot, it heads to my stomach but I stop it, hesitate, before it lands. With a deep breath, I watch my palm meet my stomach.
My eyes fly
to hers. “Linds?”
“Yeah?”
“Um, I don’t know if this is even possible. I mean it’s possible, technically,” I say hurriedly, the brownie I ate starting to creep up my throat, “but I’m not sure . . .”
“Elin?” She closes the distance between us, her eyes drifting to my hand on my stomach.
I giggle nervously. “I’m probably not,” I say. “I mean, I never thought about it. But maybe?”
“Oh my God,” she breathes, her eyes flying wide. “Seriously? You think so?”
“I don’t know. I don’t even know if I want to know.”
“Of course you do!” she says, dragging me down the hall. “I mean, I do, so you do. Oh my God! This would be the best thing ever!”
My heart squeezes, nearly cutting off my oxygen. Knowing that it would be the best thing ever for the both of us to have babies with the men we love, but also knowing that if things had worked out, we already would be on that path, makes a hot set of tears sting my eyes.
We reach the bathroom door, the one where I ran into Ty at the night of the bonfire. Lindsay spins me around to face her.
“Do you want to know?” she demands. “I mean, you’ll have to know sooner or later. And I want to force you in there to take a test, but I also know how personal this is and maybe you want to wait and do it with Ty?”
I imagine his face if it turns out I’m not. Looking down at my stomach for a few moments before up at my friend again, I say, “Let’s do it.”
Lindsay lets out a squeal and flips on the light. She rummages through a cabinet. No words may come out of my mouth, but a million emotions swirl together in my body creating a beautiful, dangerous chaos that I’m not sure I can navigate.
“Ta-da!” she exclaims, standing up and wielding a little box. It rattles as she shakes it. “I knew I had an extra!”
She extends her hand, offering me the device that will either change my world or ruin an excitement that, despite my best efforts, has already started to take root.
“Am I really going to do this?” I ask, taking the box.
“Yes, you are. I have to know.”
“Well, get out of here and let me pee on the stick.”
Lindsay laughs, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Okay, but I want to watch it turn with you. Okay? I mean, I don’t even care if that’s gross.”
“Out,” I laugh, shoving her towards the door gently. Once she’s gone, I shut it and lock it for good measure.
The package ripped open, I toss the box and directions away. Forcing a swallow, I study the little white gadget.
“Be good to me,” I whisper, pulling down my pants.
It takes forever to actually urinate, and I try to guide the thin piece of plastic into the stream. Finishing up and getting myself together, I sit it on the counter and refuse to look at it.
I can’t.
A ball sits in my throat as I open the door and face my friend. I think I might pass out.
“Well?” she asks.
I press my lips together and fight to hold back tears. Even though I didn’t expect this situation, now that I’m in it, I want it. Oh, dear Lord, do I want it. I’ve never wanted anything more than this.
“Let’s look,” she whispers, laying a hand along my shoulders.
In unison, we turn. Together, we suck in a hasty breath. At the same time, we fall into each other’s arms, tears dotting our faces.
“It’s positive,” Lindsay gushes in my hair.
A reply won’t come past the sobs racking my body. My knees shake, a smile etched across my cheeks as I grab at the counter to hold myself up. I place both hands on my belly and look down.
It looks the same as it always does, Ty’s shirt hanging loosely over the round curve from the Freshman Fifteen I never lost. Still, I feel it. A sense of wonder, a feeling of fullness that it’s not just me right now. It’s . . . us.
A baby.
“I’m pregnant,” I whisper, not to anyone in particular. My head snaps up. “When was the last time I drank?”
Lindsay laughs and places her hand on my belly too. “They’ll grow up together. Just a few months apart. My girl and your boy.”
“What?” I laugh.
She shrugs. “Ty would be awesome with a boy. When are you telling him?”
I want to tell him now. I want to run to the barn and jump on him, kissing him senseless as I try to put this into words. But Jiggs is there and Cord too, and after everything . . .
My stomach flip-flops as ice water fills my veins, and I shiver at the thought of losing yet another baby.
“They’re off after tomorrow,” I say, thinking of their schedule. “They’ll be home for two days.”
“You want to wait till then? Can you manage to keep it a secret for another whole twenty-four hours?”
I imagine seeing him in bed, his early morning hair all ruffled. I’ll come in with his coffee and watch him give me his sleepy smile. I’ll climb in bed beside him and nuzzle against his solid chest and give him the news. Just the two of us.
Besides, it’ll give me time to get my head wrapped around this and to convince myself it’s going to be okay.
“I’ll try,” I say. “I really want it to be special. Maybe I’ll play a game or something, I don’t know. But I want it to be something we remember. Maybe if I do it different, we’ll have different results.”
Lindsay makes a face at my insinuation, but chooses to disregard it. “So I have to keep it a secret?” she moans instead. “I’m so bad at that!”
“Don’t you dare tell a soul. Not even Jiggs,” I warn her, my finger wagging in her face. “I mean it, Linds.”
“I won’t,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Of course I won’t. But, Elin, you’re pregnant!”
“I’m pregnant,” I whisper.
The door opens and closes, the sound echoing through the house. We look at each other as Lindsay heads for the bathroom door.
“I’ll go stall them. Clean up your face or Ty’s gonna know something is wrong,” Lindsay instructs.
“Lindsay!”
“What?” she hisses.
“You are so not moving to Florida.”
She gives me a look, one I’m not totally convinced means she’s going to stop the push for the move, but I’m too amped up to think about it. It’s a conversation for another day.
I splash some water on my face and pat it dry. Tucking the test in toilet paper, I stash it in a cabinet and make a mental note to come back and get it later.
I head down the hall, trying not to touch my stomach and not smile like the loon I feel. Everyone is standing in the kitchen when I arrive.
“You okay?” Ty asks immediately, reaching for me. His brows are pulled together.
“I’m good. Lindsay was just, um, telling me about the baby and I just got a little worked up. It’s so exciting, you know.”
I glance at my brother and he’s oblivious, devouring the rest of the brownies on the plate. But when I look at Cord, he’s grinning.
As subtly as I can, I nod. He winks, his cheeks breaking into a wide smile.
“Ready to go?” Ty asks, pulling me into his side.
I place a hand on his back, feeling his raised scar through the material of his shirt.
He’s here. I’m here. And, maybe, finally, so is our baby.
TY
Slate-colored clouds roll overhead, a low rumble of thunder noticeable every few minutes. The ground sloshes beneath my boots as I make my way to the entrance of the mine alongside Jiggs and Cord.
“Not a bad first week back,” Jiggs notes, swinging his lunchbox beside him. “We met goal. Nothing broke down—”
“And I didn’t kill Pettis,” Cord laughs.
“I reported his bullshit from last night,” I note, thinking back to twelve hours before. “No miner can go any farther than we’ve prepped for. Fucker has a death wish, and while I’m not entirely brokenhearted about that, I kinda wanna live.”
“Me too,” Jiggs snort
s. “I got a kid on the way. Would like to be around to teach him how to make a jump shot like his dad.”
“Better let Uncle Ty teach him that if you want him to be the best,” I joke as I spy Pettis and Grunt up ahead. “I have a feeling Pettis is going to get fired tonight once we’re done. When I reported him this morning, Percora said he’d take care of it. You know what it’ll look like if something goes wrong right after we re-open.”
“It’ll close us down and we’ll go without a paycheck again,” Cord says, tinkering with his flashlight. “I think this thing has a loose cable or something. It keeps going off.” He shakes it in the air and mutters under his breath.
“Shit’s breaking already,” Jiggs laughs as we approach Pettis and Grunt. “You boys ready?”
Grunt makes the sound he makes that means yes, no, and maybe. Pettis nods, eyeing us all warily.
I watch the cart come up the ramp. Grunt and Pettis get in first and descend into the darkness.
“Let’s do this and go home for a couple of days.”
ELIN
“Don’t forget your gloves!” I rush to the door and hand a pair of bright red gloves to one of my favorite students. “It’s getting cold out there, big guy. You’ll need these.”
“Thanks, Mrs. Whitt,” he grins a wide, toothy smile.
I ruffle his hair before he turns and joins the line to head out to recess.
Closing the door softly behind me, I let out a long, tired breath. I tossed and turned last night, finally just getting up around one in the morning. I sat in the living room and planned out how to tell Ty about the baby. It was the excitement of knowing that kept me up. But by the time I fell asleep and woke up, the adrenaline had worn off and I was sluggish.
When I realized Ty wasn’t home yet, the adrenaline kicked back in.
Turns out his crew was working over, which isn’t out of the ordinary. A simple call to the Blackwater Office, something I’ve done a number of times over the years, answered that. Still, it started my day off wobbly and the rollercoaster of highs and lows is taking its toll.
“Ouch,” I mutter, stopping in my tracks. One hand goes onto a student’s desk as I bed forward and squeeze my eyes shut. A rumble, not quite a cramp but not not a cramp either, tightens in my belly. “Breathe,” I tell myself, concentrating on the rising and falling of my chest.
Written in the Scars Page 20