by R. J. Sable
“Crap,” I sighed, sinking down into the chair and burying my face in my spare hand.
“Crap indeed,” he said, probably smirking on the other end of the phone. “Jason cares about you a lot, Jelly. You shouldn’t have any doubts about that after everything,” he said awkwardly. “You owe him an apology.”
I knew he was right. I’d reacted like a stupid spoilt child. I hoped Jason could forgive me. I wrapped up the phone call with Craig, eternally grateful to him for filling me in and making me realise how badly I’d messed up. I knew where I should have been in that moment, and feeling sorry for myself in my kitchen was definitely not the place.
Josh let me into the flat but Jason wasn’t home. He was apparently at the gym but he’d been there for over an hour and a half so Josh figured he’d be home soon. I hoped I could placate him by cooking up something yummy.
When I’d been cooking for an hour and Jason still wasn’t home, I started getting nervous. He had to be home soon. The food would be ready any minute and I couldn’t understand why Jason would be at the gym for almost three hours on a weeknight. It was almost ten o’clock.
“Maybe we should call him?” I said to Josh, handing him one of the muffins I’d made for desert.
“You don’t need to worry, Jamie,” Josh reassured me. “He’s just working things out.”
“What do you mean?” I asked him, pulling my eyes away from the hallway to look at him.
“He wasn’t in the best of moods this morning,” he said, giving me a look that meant he suspected it was my fault. “He’s probably just taking out his frustration on his body.”
He said that like it was a completely normal thing to do. From the sound of it, Josh considered it normal behaviour for Jason. I guess it was similar to me going for a run when I was stressed, but working out for three hours sounded more extreme somehow.
I heard the door open and my shoulders sagged with relief. He was home. My stress levels shot up again when I caught sight of Jason. He looked exhausted, like he could barely stand. I guess now I knew what Josh meant by taking it out on his body. He looked like he’d just run Ian’s assault cause twice over.
“Jamie?” He asked, the shock evident in his voice as he looked me over.
“I… I made you dinner,” I whispered.
He dropped his water bottle onto the chair and moved awkwardly towards me. I threw myself into his arms, not caring that he was sweaty because I loved the smell of fresh paper and deodorant more than anything. The smell of Jason. I breathed him in like a drug addict getting their last fix.
I felt the tears spilling down my cheeks as he held me and began babbling my apologies, begging him to forgive me.
“Hey,” he soothed. “Why are you saying sorry?” He tilted my chin up to look at him. His soothing cerulean eyes met mine and just made me cry harder because he didn’t seem to think I’d done anything wrong and I knew I had.
“I shouldn’t have just left like that. I’m so sorry, Jason,” I shook my head. “I should have stayed and let you explain.”
“There wasn’t much more to explain, Jamie. I understand why you left,” he said, his voiced sharp and pained.
“I didn’t give you chance to tell me you didn’t kiss her back,” I laughed through my tears. “That’s a very important detail.”
“A kiss is a kiss,” he shrugged, guilt lining his face.
“Are you saying you didn’t push her off?” I frowned, confused by the conflicting versions I was hearing.
“No, I did. Of course I did,” he sighed. “But she still kissed me and a kiss is a kiss,” he repeated, swallowing heavily.
“That’s my point Jason,” I smiled, relaxing a little. “She kissed you, not the other way round.”
He frowned at me, looking a little confused, which I thought was adorable because he really didn’t seem to get it. He looked scared and vulnerable and not my Jason at all. I knew he was wrong. A kiss wasn’t a kiss, he taught me that.
I pushed up onto my tiptoes to prove my point, pushing my lips to his and filling my kiss with all the words that needed to be said. I love you. I trust you. I am yours, you are mine. I’ll never doubt you again. I need you. I didn’t know if my message was getting across but trying to make him understand was fun, and soothing, and everything I needed.
Jason’s lips were soft against mine and even more intoxicating than his smell. I poured my everything into the kiss whilst thinking back to the first time he’d kissed me. I’d never been kissed like that before and every kiss had meant something. Each time we kissed it was like we were giving part of ourselves to each other. I knew that Jason felt it too and there was no way Shana’s attempt to kiss him had meant to him what our kisses meant to each other.
Jason kissed me gently at first, his usual dominance markedly absent but, gradually, the kiss deepened and his tongue pushed into my mouth, his taste exquisite. He tightened his grasp around me, clutching me against him as his hand tangled in my hair, holding my head in place.
“Was that just a kiss?” I breathed as I pulled away.
“There’s no such thing as just a kiss with you,” he replied, the glimmer of adoration returning to his previously sad eyes.
“My point exactly,” I grinned, nestling my head against his chest once more. “I’m sorry for doubting you.”
“I’m sorry for letting you,” he replied, the Jason I knew and loved returning to me somewhat.
“Let’s get you fed, you must be starving,” I smiled, pulling his hand to the table.
“Have you eaten?” He asked me, scanning my face suspiciously. “I warned Adam to feed you on pain of death.”
“That explains a lot,” I laughed. “Yes, I had beans on toast, cheese on top and everything. Craig even called to check.”
“Good,” he nodded, swiping two muffins from the plate in the middle of the table and passing one to me with a look that said “eat that or else.”
I grinned at him, delighted he was back to being his usual bossy self, and began eating my muffin whilst serving him a big portion of beef casserole with my spare hand.
“Come to bed with me,” he demanded, after loading his dishes into the dishwasher.
“Not like that,” he sighed in mock exasperation after I raised my eyebrows at him. “We should talk,” he said seriously.
I followed him into the bedroom and we stripped off, climbing under the cover and entwining our bodies together. Skin against skin.
“What do you want to talk about?” I asked, kissing my favourite spot between his clavicles.
“What happened,” he sighed. “But you need to turn around. I can’t talk if you’re looking at me all ‘Jason, make love to me’ with your beautiful blue eyes. You’re far too distracting.”
I giggled because he was trying to lighten the mood and I appreciated it. I obliged him, wriggling against him contentedly as he wrapped his arms around me once more.
“Things are going to be so awkward with Shana now,” he sighed. “I can’t believe she did that. She knows we’re just friends. She knows how I feel about you”
“I don’t think she does, Jason,” I said carefully.
“What do you mean?” He asked, stroking my hair away from my face.
I decided if there was ever a time to tell him about what Shana had said in the bathrooms at the pub then it was now. I filled him in, trying to keep my dislike from my voice.
“Jesus, I can’t believe she said that,” he said, the frustration evident in his voice.
“You two have…you were…” I said awkwardly, not sure how to ask him or if I wanted to know the answer.
“That’s how we met,” he said awkwardly. “I’m sorry, baby. I should have told you.”
“I figured as much,” I shrugged. “I don’t understand how you ended up as friends though.” I was trying to be tactful, Jason was telling me things without me pushing him too much and I appreciated it.
“You know this is in the past, right?” He began cautiously and I
nodded, kissing his arm gently to let him know it was okay. I didn’t really like thinking about it but I wasn’t going to let it get to me.
“I didn’t think I’d ever see her again after the first time,” he sighed. “But she found me and she was all crying and emotional.” He took a deep breath and breathed it out against my hair, stroking my arm gently with his fingertips.
“The condom must have broken. She got pregnant,” he said thickly, his body tensing as he spoke. “I freaked out, I didn’t know what to do.”
This was a lot to take in. Jason had gotten Shana pregnant? He was a Dad. But where was the baby now? My mind was swimming with questions and the vague sick feeling was returning.
“I promised her I’d help, that I’d be there for the kid,” he swallowed. “But then she lost the baby. It was like a blessing and a nightmare all at once.”
I felt for him, it must have been horrible. Getting a girl pregnant on a one-night stand. Neither of them would have wanted it but I couldn’t imagine how awful it must have been to lose a child like that, regardless of the circumstances.
“I’m so sorry, Jason,” I said genuinely.
“Shana took it pretty hard,” he continued. “I tried to be there for her. It was the right thing to do. We just sort of ended up becoming friends.”
“I think you were probably always more than a friend to her,” I said sadly, squeezing his hand gently.
I felt him shake his head behind me and it saddened me that he didn’t understand that. “You’re very easy to love, Jason,” I smiled.
“You’re biased,” he scoffed, relaxing a little.
“Maybe, but it’s still true,” I answered stubbornly. “Can I turn over now? I want to see you.”
“If you must,” he sighed, not doing a very good job of hiding his delight.
I grinned and rolled over, pushing him onto his back so I could lie down on his chest with my head resting on his tattoo.
“I love you so much,” he breathed, kissing the top of my head.
“I love you too,” I replied, tilting my head up so I could get a proper kiss. “Jason?”
“Yes, my little squirrel?”
“Thank you for telling me,” I smiled appreciatively.
“You’re welcome,” he smiled back. “There’s more though,” he said nervously.
“About Shana?” I asked, frowning because I wasn’t sure I could take it if there was any more to hear. I was still absorbing the first load of information.
“No,” he chuckled gently. “About me.”
“Oh, okay,” I smiled, settling back onto his chest to listen.
“I’m sorry I tried to push you into moving in here,” he said, taking a deep breath. “I was freaked out that you might leave me if you found out about Shana and I just wanted you close to me all the time.”
“That makes no sense,” I teased.
“It makes plenty of sense,” he frowned. “I love you impossibly more every second that passes and the more I love you, the more scared I am to lose you. The idea of being without you kills me.” His voice was so raw and honest, his words permeating my very bones. It made my heart swell with happiness and I squeezed him appreciatively.
“I feel the same, Jason,” I tried to reassure him.
“You can’t leave me, Jamie. It scares the life out of me,” he said pleadingly.
“I’m not leaving, Jason. I promise.”
He was silent a while and I wondered briefly if he was done talking, but eventually he started tracing his fingers up and down my spine and spoke again. This time his voice was monotone, almost without emotion.
“I told you about my Dad being a dick,” he started, breathing deeply. “But he wasn’t just like that after my Mum left. He was always like that. My earliest memory is of my Dad hitting my Mum with his belt whilst she held baby Ben in her arms and tried to protect him.”
I felt sick thinking of Jason as a toddler, watching his father beat his mother. Nobody should ever have to witness that, especially not a small child.
“She just put up with it. In the end, she stopped trying to protect me and Benji as well. She just let it happen. If she tried to stop him then he just hurt her more and she couldn’t stop it.
On the night she left, he’d gone after Benji again and I’d stopped him. Ben was only five, he couldn’t protect himself. I yelled at him and threw something at him, I don’t remember what. I wanted him to be mad at me and not with Ben. It worked. He beat the shit out of me that night. I think I might have almost died. I remember my Mum carrying me to bed and crying silently. She didn’t say anything though. She didn’t say sorry or make any of the promises she used to make about taking us away from him. She just cried and cried.
I remember begging her not to let him hurt us any more. I was only a kid and it hurt really bad. I didn’t want Ben to have to feel that. He was such a cute kid, he was always so smiley when Dad wasn’t about, always laughing.
She didn’t say anything, she just kissed me and walked away. That was the last time I saw her. She was the last woman I loved before you, and she left us. Left us when we needed her most.”
I didn’t dare look up at Jason because I got the feeling he wouldn’t want me to look at him right now. I felt dampness on the top of my head and knew he was crying. My heart broke for the little boys who’d been abused by their father and abandoned by their mother. What sort of a mother does that to her children? She’d left them to fend for themselves against the monster that called himself their father. The thought made me sick. I never wanted to meet Jason’s father. Ever.
I realised what I’d done to Jason by leaving the night before. I’d walked out on him when things got tough, just like his mother had, and I hated myself for it. I must have caused him so much pain. I’d done the very thing he was afraid of me doing. I vowed to myself that I’d never walk away from him like that again, no matter what.
I reached my hand up and stroked Jason’s hair blindly, wanting to give him time before I looked up at him. I tried my best to comfort him without invading that space. I knew what he’d just told me was a huge step for him. It probably took more for him to tell me that than it had taken me to tell him about my Mum.
“She left because I asked her to protect us,” he said, surprising me because I thought he’d finished speaking.
I felt him trembling beneath me and I clung to his body, trying to soothe him with my own like he’d done to me so many times before. I held him and pressed gentle kisses to every bit of his torso that I could reach without looking up at his face. Slowly, progressively, the trembling stopped and his body relaxed.
I sensed that it might be okay for me to look at him and I ventured a glance up to his face. He looked somehow at peace. I got the feeling he’d needed to get that out. He’d probably even avoided thinking about it. I wondered idly if he’d even mentioned it to Ben but instinctively knew he hadn’t. He’d never talked about this before.
“I love you, Jason,” I said, cupping his face gently so I could look into his eyes.
“I love you too,” he smiled softly.
We held each other a little longer, our breathing in perfect synchronicity, our hearts beating together.
“Jason?” I asked tentatively.
“Yeah, baby?” He answered sleepily.
“Have you ever tried to find your mum?” I asked cautiously.
“Why would I?” He asked bitterly. “She made her choice.”
I didn’t answer, I knew I’d pushed a little too much. I thought he was wrong. He needed answers from his mother, needed an explanation and closure. The abandoned little boy inside him needed to confront the woman who’d left him to fend for himself and defend his little brother. Jason might not have been able to see that, but I hoped one day he would. I wanted to be there for him when that day came.
For now though, I sensed Jason needed to think about something else. It had been an emotionally challenging day for the both of us and Jason must have been physically exhaust
ed from his punishing gym session.
“Are you tired?” I asked, hearing the element of mischief in my own voice.
“A little, why?” He asked.
I didn’t answer, instead I slid myself gently up his body so I could kiss the spot behind his ear, teasing him with my tongue. I followed his neck down to his chest, letting my tongue wash over his nipple as it travelled across his firm body.
“Jamie,” Jason breathed, bringing his hands up to rest on my head. “You’re on your period.”
“I know,” I grinned impishly against his skin. “But we can’t have you being neglected now, can we?” I teased, my lips following the delightful, v-shaped lines down to his now awakening member.
“Jamie, you don’t have to do that.”
“I know,” I smiled, taking him into my hands. “But I want to.”
I put all my heart into giving him something else to think about. I wanted him to reach that blissful moment where the mind goes blank and forgets about everything horrible. The little glimpse of heaven where only the two of us existed.
The small noises Jason made as I took him in my mouth were all the encouragement I needed. I loved knowing that he was enjoying my attentions and that I could bring him to his release. I loved the feel of his fingers in my hair, guiding me without pushing, urging me to continue. I loved his velvet tip on my tongue as I withdrew to swirl my tongue around his tip. I loved the taste of him as he lavished wave after wave of hot, salty liquid onto my tongue. I loved hearing my name as his body tensed and released with his climax.
“I fucking love you,” he grinned, his breathing still a little uneven. Sweat glistened from his body and accentuated every fine detail of his form.
“I love you too,” I answered happily, delighted that I could make him happy after everything that had just come to light.
“You’ve gotten so brave,” he smiled. “I can’t imagine you being that bold just a few months ago. I’m so proud of you.” He pulled me up to wrap his arms around me, stroking my back once more. “My own little pervert,” he said fondly.
I giggled and nipped at his nipple playfully. “I blame you,” I teased. “You bring it out in me.”