by R. J. Sable
“Everything okay?” I asked him curiously, desperate to know what he and Ian had talked about.
“Yep,” he smiled. “Had to thank him for letting me stay this weekend.”
“Is that all?” I eyed him suspiciously.
“Nothing gets passed you,” he chuckled. “No, that wasn’t all, Jamie. But it’s okay honestly, I just wanted him to know where I stood.”
“You didn’t argue?” I asked cautiously.
“No,” Jason smiled reassuringly. “Went surprisingly well.”
“Jelly are you sure you did this right? It tastes funny,” Rick asked, distracting me away from Jason.
“That’s because you’re eating pure butter, eggs, and sugar,” I sighed exasperatedly, taking the bowl away from Danny before Rick could stick his fingers back into it.
“Will you nip and tell Matt that the muffins are almost ready?” I asked the twins as I checked on the oven.
“Not a chance,” they scoffed together.
“Pussies,” Jason laughed, kissing me on the forehead before going down to fetch the others himself.
“Did he just call us pussies?” Danny said, his brow furrowed.
“You’re scared of Matt,” I pointed out.
“So are you!” He retorted.
“He’s twice my size! You two are both bigger than he is,” I grinned
“Doesn’t matter,” Rick shook his head. “It’s not worth pissing Karl off.”
I nodded my head, he had a point. There were two of them though, and they both knew that they would always have each other’s backs. I never understood why they let the others push them around.
Pulling the muffins out of the oven, I immediately removed two of them from the tray, even though they were too hot and they burnt my fingers. I quickly put them inside a tub and hid them inside the cupboard.
“What are you doing?” Danny frowned.
“Trust me, you’ll thank me later,” I smiled, listening to heavy footsteps thundering up the stairs.
I plucked the rest of the muffins from the tray and put them on a plate, hoping they wouldn’t notice that two were already missing. I was taking a risk but I’d been around Matt in a bad mood enough to be able to anticipate his behaviour to some degree.
“They’re still hot!” I warned as Matt made to grab a few.
He shrugged and pulled three of them onto a plate anyway. Ian followed suit and swiped two for himself. The twins made towards the muffins, eyeing them hungrily.
“Don’t even fucking think about it,” Matt warned.
They opened their mouths to argue but Ian gave them one of his patented glares and they backed off, looking decidedly grumpy.
Craig took two muffins and gave one to Jake, leaving only two on the plate so Jason took them and handed me one and had one for himself.
Matt disappeared into the lounge and everyone followed, I grabbed the twins before they left and pointed at the cupboard with a wink and they grinned happily, cottoning on.
“Since when do muffin pans have ten slots?” Ian whispered as I sat down next to him.
Does Ian ever miss anything that goes on around him? “Sorry,” I winced, hoping he wasn’t about to tell me off.
“I thought it was kinda cute actually,” he grinned.
“They moan too much if they don’t get fed,” I smiled. “Craig said it was like having two extra sisters,” I giggled, glancing over at Craig and hoping he wasn’t listening.
“Did he now?” Ian laughed.
I pressed my finger to my lips and hoped he’d keep it between the two of us and he winked at me.
“You’ve got something on your shirt,” Ian smirked, pointing to Rick as he came into the lounge.
Rick blushed a little as he brushed the very obvious muffin crumbs off of his shirt and I hid my face in Jason’s chest on my other side so that I couldn’t see Matt’s reaction.
“Muffins are good,” Jake chimed in. “Thanks, Jelly.”
“What else are sisters for?” I grinned at him.
“Ruining your fucking life,” Matt sighed, raking his hands over his face.
My heart sank like a ten tonne weight. I knew he wasn’t talking about me, I doubted he considered me to be his actual sister. What he’d said rang true for me as well though. I’d ruined my brothers’ lives, just by being born.
A sick feeling filled my stomach and I pushed up from the sofa and made for the bathroom. I’d been feeling pretty happy that everything was going so well. I had Jake back and Jason was here. I was actually looking forwards to spending some time with my family until Matt reminded me just what a burden I was.
“Jelly?” Ian knocked on the door after a while.
I kept quiet, sat on the floor in the small space between the shower and the wall, crying silently.
“Jelly, you’ve been in there for ages. I’m coming in,” Ian said after a while.
He waited a little longer and I heard him manipulating the lock from the outside. I tensed up, I didn’t want to speak to him. I didn’t want to talk to any of them.
“What’s wrong, Jelly?” Ian asked, squatting down in front of me.
I shook my head and pulled my knees closer to my chest, tucking my chin in so I couldn’t see him.
“Jelly, I’m not in the mood for this shit, are you going to talk to me?” Ian growled.
I didn’t reply. I couldn’t reply because if I did we’d have to talk about what’d upset me and then I’d upset him and the others and remind them all how I’d ruined everything.
“You can’t talk to her like that, Ian. Can’t you see she’s upset?” Jason growled.
I couldn’t see him because I didn’t want to look up.
“Jelly, can you at least tell me why you’re upset?” Ian sighed.
“You’re fucking stupid if you have to ask her that,” Jason snarled. “Get out of the way.”
I heard them scuffle a little but soon felt Jason’s hand on my knee. I knew it was him because even through my jeans, and despite my despair, I still felt his tingles shooting through me.
My body was trembling, waves of anguish washing over me. I hated myself so thoroughly, hated that they’d been so good to me. They’d kept me clean, and clothed, and held me when I was scared. They’d told me bedtime stories and blew on my owies when I fell over.
“It’s not your fault, Jamie,” Jason breathed, lifting me up from the floor and holding me against him, supporting my trembling body. “It’s not your fault.”
“What’s not her fault?” Ian demanded. “What the fuck is going on?”
Ian sounded pissed, more than pissed. He didn’t like not being in the loop.
“Just leave us alone will you, Ian?” Jason sighed.
“You’re gonna need an interpreter,” Ian grunted, locking the bathroom door once more.
“Why would I need an interpreter?” Jason scowled, his hand stroking up and down my back in a reassuring gesture.
I can’t do this. I can’t. Not in front of my brothers. Talking about it with Jason was one thing. He understood me. He knew exactly how I thought. I couldn’t talk about this with my brothers.
Jason released his grasp a little and tilted my chin to look up at him. I met his gaze and could feel his eyes searching mine.
“Jamie?” He asked, his voice low and gentle.
I shook my head, hoping he’d understand that I couldn’t talk right now.
“She won’t talk,” Ian sighed. “Just give her time.”
“I don’t understand,” Jason frowned, his eyes still on me.
I pulled myself back to him, needing to feel him against me, to breath in his scent.
“She does this when she’s upset,” Ian said with exasperation. “She just clams up and won’t talk. Has done since she was a kid.”
“I don’t understand,” Jason repeated, shaking his head.
“Join the club,” Ian sighed. “Come on, you want some tea, Jelly?”
I nodded my head and stayed close to Jason as I f
ollowed them out of the bathroom and into the kitchen.
“Jelly’s maintaining radio silence,” Ian announced.
“Again, Jelly?” The twins groaned.
I ignored them and went to the kettle to make the tea. I felt a hand on my shoulder but I knew it wasn’t Jason’s. I turned around to see Craig. He pulled me into a hug and squeezed me tight. I hugged him back, appreciating the gesture, but the reminder that he cared for me just made me clench my teeth against the rising lump in my throat.
“Jelly,” Matt called out.
I turned around to face him, making sure to keep my eyes down. He beckoned me over and I went to stand in front of him.
“Are you upset because of what I said?” He asked, frowning.
I nodded a little. I didn’t want him to think I thought he’d meant me but I didn’t want to talk about the reason why it had upset me either.
“I didn’t mean you, Jelly,” he sighed. “I meant Stacey, okay? Not you.”
I nodded again.
“You’re the sister I like, okay?” He smiled.
His words warmed my heart. I never thought he actually saw me as a sister. I definitely never thought he actually liked me. I hugged him tight and signed thank you so that he knew I appreciated it.
“You know sign language, Jamie?” Jason asked, looking really confused.
“She’d gotten pretty fluent over the years,” Ian nodded, a grim expression on his face.
“What the hell, Jamie?” Jason sighed. “You don’t think you could have told me that when you found out I spoke Arabic?”
He sounded a little hurt and I felt guilty that I hadn’t thought to mention it. I hadn’t meant to keep him in the dark, I just didn’t really consider it the same. I only used sign language when it was too painful to talk. I knew it was a stupid, childish habit, but it was one I didn’t seem able to break.
“She says she’s sorry,” Ian said, translating my signing. “She didn’t mean not to tell you.”
Jason frowned. “None of this makes any sense,” he sighed. “You speak BSL as well, I take it?”
“I taught her,” Ian nodded. “She did it the first time around the time she turned eight. We had to figure out a way of talking to her when she clammed up.”
“How is signing any different from talking?” Jason frowned, his eyes on me. “I don’t get it.”
“Beats me,” Ian shrugged. “If it gets her to communicate then I don’t care.”
Jason looked at me, holding me against him. I could see that he was struggling to understand, but I was grateful that he wasn’t pressing me.
“Jesus, Jellybean, you’ve only just started talking to me again and now you’re cutting me off?” Jake teased, pulling gently on my ponytail.
I smiled and even laughed a little but it couldn’t take away from how much it was hurting.
“So, you speak Arabic?” Ian asked, focussing on Jason.
Jason nodded but didn’t offer any further information. Ian studied Jason for a second before catching almost all of us off guard by bursting into Arabic himself. We all stared at Ian wide-eyed as the two of them seemed to be carrying out a conversation.
I didn’t understand what they were saying but I felt pretty certain I was the topic of conversation considering they both kept looking at me.
“What the hell?” Jake demanded once they broke off. “Since when do you speak Arabic?”
“None of your fucking business,” Ian grunted, looking suddenly very pissed off.
“He was a translator for a while,” Matt shrugged, the only one of us who didn’t look surprised. “Karl,” he offered as explanation when we all looked at him curiously.
It seemed Karl and Matt both had a better idea of what Ian had done during his career than we did.
Ian looked edgy and irritated. At first I thought he was pissed off with Matt for offering information that wasn’t his to offer, but as I stood drinking my tea and watched him circling like a caged animal, I figured there was something more to it.
“If you’re not going to talk, you may as well go to bed, Jelly,” he grunted eventually. “You can have a lie in tomorrow because it’ll be a late night, but I want you downstairs by eight thirty.”
I nodded and hugged them all good night, relieved to finally be away from them all and in private with Jason.
“So, do I need to learn another language or are you going to talk to me?” He said sadly, closing the door behind us.
“Of course, I’ll talk to you,” I answered, surprising myself because the words came so easily. I usually had to really force myself to speak.
“Can you explain this to me, baby? Because I’m having a really hard time understanding,” he said gently, cupping my face in his hands.
“I’m sorry,” I frowned. “I didn’t mean to… I don’t know why…” I took a breath, trying to stop babbling. “Sometimes when I get upset, especially because of my Mum, I just… I find it hard to talk.”
Jason nodded and pulled me down to sit across his knee on the bed. He pulled my hair bobble out and began gently running his fingers through my hair, encouraging me to continue.
“At first it just… it gave me something that was mine to control. My brothers are so bossy, I liked that they didn’t try and make me talk. But then later, whenever one of them would say something about Mum, I just couldn’t help it. It’s too painful to talk about with them,” I admitted.
“Oh, Jamie,” Jason sighed. “You need to talk to them about it.”
“I can’t,” I whispered, resting my hands on his forearm because I needed to feel skin against skin.
“You know Ian didn’t have a clue, right?” He said, his fingers still soothing my scalp, playing with my hair. “He had no idea why you were upset. He didn’t know you blamed yourself, baby.”
“He must have- Wait, what do you mean didn’t?” I asked, my heart sinking to my stomach. What did their Arabic exchange entail?
“Don’t be mad, Jamie,” he soothed. “He had a right to know. He practically raised you. He needs to know why you’re upset.”
“I don’t want to talk about it with them, Jason,” I winced. “I don’t want to remind them.”
“Okay, Jamie. I’m not going to force you,” he sighed, pulling my t-shirt over my head. “But you can hide from your demons forever. One day you have to confront them.”
I smiled as I let him undress me. The same could be said for both of us. He couldn’t expect me to confront mine if he was avoiding his own. I felt a little surge of hope that he could achieve that as I thought about the batch of letters and emails I’d surreptitiously sent off the day before in the hope of finding the demon Jason had yet to confront.
Chapter 32
Saturday, 2nd March 2013
Craig handed me a bowl of cereal and I smiled up at him. We were all sat around the island waiting for Matt to come down. I suspected he was trying to put it off. Nobody had tried to actually talk to me yet and I assumed they were giving me space, which I appreciated.
“You need an interpreter after you went to bed last night?” Craig teased, handing Jason a cup of coffee.
“Nope,” Jason grinned.
“You talk to him?” Craig frowned at me, looking offended.
“Don’t push her, Carter,” Jason frowned, wrapping his arm around my shoulders protectively.
Craig seemed to want to argue for a second, but he looked over at me and nodded his head before an evil grin spread over his face.
“Hey, Ian,” Craig called out. “Reed gets the ice cream this time.”
“What?” Ian frowned. “You talk to Jason, Jelly?”
I nodded my head, clinging to Jason because Ian looked a little pissed.
“Doesn’t count,” he said dismissively, turning to Craig. “She has to talk to one of us.”
“Ice cream for breakfast wouldn’t be a bad birthday present, Jelly,” Matt said, coming into the kitchen and looking a little anxious.
I could understand the anxiety. H
e was waiting for the birthday bumps. Karl hadn’t arrived yet though so he was safe for a few more minutes.
I didn’t have any intention of keeping quiet for the whole day. I’d already realised there was no point. Ian knew what’d upset me and he hadn’t broached the issue. The only reason I hadn’t spoken to any of them yet was because I knew they’d turn it into some stupid competition and lord it over the others. It was Matt’s birthday, though.
“Happy Birthday,” I whispered as I gave him a hug.
“Thanks, Jelly,” he grinned. “Ice cream for breakfast it is!”
The others groaned but I was just glad Matt was happy. Calling me his sister the night before had meant the world to me and I wanted him to know that.
“Birthday boy!” Karl called from the hallway, shutting the front door behind him. “How’s it feel to be old?” He grinned as he pulled Matt into a manly hug.
“You can tell me yourself in a few months,” Matt laughed.
“I hope you two aren’t implying that thirty is old?” Ian frowned, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Of course not,” Matt grinned. “Thirty-one… now that’s old.”
Ian would turn thirty-one just before Karl turned thirty.
“Don’t push your luck, Matt,” Ian warned, but I saw his lips pull up a little.
Men and their fragile egos. I grinned at them and rooted around in the freezer for some ice cream for Matt.
“Where’s my reward, Jelly?” Matt demanded.
“I can’t find any,” I frowned.
“There was half a tub left,” Ian said, moving me out of the way so he could look himself.
“Er, we can nip to the store and get some,” Rick offered.
Even I thought that was suspicious. They both looked way too shifty.
“We didn’t know Jelly was gonna have one of her little episodes,” Danny protested as Ian gave him a deadly glare. “We were hungry!”
“You’re always fucking hungry,” Karl laughed, crossing his arms across his chest. “You’ve got ten minutes.”
The twins didn’t need telling twice, they were already on their way to the door.
“Get Phish Food!” Matt yelled after them. “Clowns,” he muttered, taking a spare seat at the island.
“I’ll leave you all to it,” Jason said as he dropped his dishes by the sink. “Jamie?” He beckoned me over.