by R. J. Sable
“I’m not really dressed for going out,” I cringed. All I had with me was my bikini and the pyjamas I’d arrived in.
“All sorted,” he waved his hand dismissively, taking me back to the changing room and showing me a beautiful green summer dress waiting for me on a hanger. He handed me a shoebox and a very expensive looking glossy paper bag.
“Agent Provocateur?” I blanched as I saw the writing on the bag. “Isn’t that like undies that cost more than the cupboard you keep them in?” I frowned.
“Yes,” Alex grinned happily. “Jason has taste. You can keep him.”
I laughed because I couldn’t help myself. I peeked inside the bag and almost jumped up and down excitedly. They were so beautiful. Candyfloss pink with sherbet lemon trimmings. The material was the softest silk chiffon and it fit perfectly. I almost didn’t want to put the summer dress on and cover up the matching bra and brief set, but I suspected Jason wanted these delights to be for his eyes only.
“You look great!” Alex declared as I emerged from the changing rooms in my summer dress and matching ballerina pumps.
He lead me out of the spa and out onto the street. I recognised Karl’s Mercedes immediately with Ian leaning against it, obviously waiting for us. I wasn’t sure how to greet him. I felt suddenly awkward as I remembered the reason for all this.
“Hi, Jellybean,” Ian grinned as I approached, opening his arms and pulling me into a hug. “Enjoy your morning?”
“I did, thanks,” I smiled, glad he wasn’t bringing up the dreaded B-word. “Once you were done kidnapping me and tying me up in the car boot.” I shot him a grin so that he’d know I was kidding but he looked thoroughly thunderous and glared back at me.
I took a step back, all too familiar with that expression. Ian continued to glare and raised his finger to his lips. He wants me to keep quiet? I didn’t understand.
“You did what?” A familiar gravelly voice demanded as I heard the passenger side door open.
“Granddad?” He was the last person I expected to see. He lived down in Cornwall and we hardly ever got to see him. I bolted round the car to give him a hug.
“There’s my favourite girl,” he grinned, standing tall and strong as always and giving me a butterscotch scented hug.
“What’s this about being tied up in a car boot?” Granddad said, all the humour disappearing from his face as he studied Ian from the other side of the car. Ian’s irritation at me suddenly made sense. I wouldn’t have said it if I’d known he was there.
“It was just a joke, Granddad,” I smiled, trying to reassure him but I suspected I was too late, he was already making his way round to Ian.
“Some joke, son,” Granddad growled.
I must admit, I took some sort of sick pleasure from seeing the way Ian acted when my Granddad was around. Ian didn’t take crap from anyone. Mostly because nobody dared give him any. However, with Granddad, Ian was like another person.
We used to see him quite a bit when I was little, he helped take care of us the best he could but my Grandma fell ill. Eventually, it got so bad that she took up most of his time. They moved down south so that she could spend the last few years of her life in her favourite place.
“We were just messing around,” Ian said, his back stiffening as he addressed our Granddad.
“We’ll talk about this later,” Granddad frowned, opening the back door for me and gesturing for me to get in with a smile.
Ian was uncharacteristically quiet and tense during the drive home, but that was okay. Granddad had about a million questions for me.
“So what’s this I hear about a young man in your life, Jamie-Lea?” Granddad asked. He was the only member of my family that didn’t call me Jelly. My aunties, uncles, and cousins had all adopted the nickname with varying levels of resistance but my Granddad flat out refused.
“He’s called Jason,” I blushed.
Granddad nodded and kept quiet for a few seconds, studying a tense Ian in the seat next to him.
“Not Alex then?” He asked eventually.
“No,” I giggled. “Alex has a boyfriend now too.”
“Ah,” he nodded his understanding. “One of them modern relationships.”
Alex and I exchanged amused glances and I saw that even Ian was fighting a losing battle to keep his lips from quirking up.
“Something like that, Colonel,” Alex smiled.
“What does this Jason do?” Granddad continued his interrogation.
“He’s a student as well,” I smiled. “He’s working on his doctorate.”
“Like Craig?” Granddad turned his head back to look at me.
“Not quite,” I smiled. “His area is renewable energy.”
“So he’s one of them nerds?” He frowned.
I heard Alex snort next to me but I valiantly held mine back.
“Not quite,” I smiled. “You can meet him now, Granddad.”
Ian pulled the car into the driveway, driving a little slower than usual which made me smile.
“Got to sort your brothers our first,” he grunted, stepping out of the car. “Open the door for your sister,” he demanded, giving Ian a serious Carter-male glare.
Ian opened the door for me and this time I was the target of the family glare, but I smiled sweetly back at him because I was enjoying this way too much.
Granddad summoned my brothers into the back garden and glared at them all. They all had the same response as Ian. I found it funny because I’d never been the victim of his glare. He always treated me like I was a princess.
“You tied your sister up and locked her in a car boot,” he said calmly. It wasn’t a question so none of them answered. They were all stood in a line because they knew the drill.
“Did they hurt you?” He asked me, pulling me into his side.
I wiped the smile off my face because it was mean of me to be enjoying this so much. My brothers were all looking at me imploringly and I took pity on them.
“Nope,” I shook my head earnestly. “I’m fine honest, I knew it was them playing a joke.”
“Still unacceptable,” he shook his head, turning his attention back onto my brothers. “Step forwards if you knew about this and did nothing to stop it.”
Each and every one of them stepped forwards and Granddad crossed his arms across his chest and frowned at my brothers.
“Fifty,” he barked “Each.”
My brothers all dropped down instantly and began their push-ups. I looked away because I didn’t want to know if any of them were glaring at me, but I suspected they were. Granddad turned away as well, tucking me under his arm and focussing on the guys behind me.
Rab, Alex, Adam, Elise, and Jason had all been watching the show and not doing a very good job of hiding their amusement.
“Which one of you is Jason?” my Granddad asked, looking at the guys and piercing them all with a hard glare.
“That would be me, sir,” Jason stepped forwards and extended his hand to my Granddad.
I smirked at him because I’d never heard him say sir before and it was kind of cute that he was making an effort.
“Sir is a term of respect, boy,” Granddad stiffened as he shook Jason’s hand with a strength most forty year olds would envy. “We just met.”
“I’m fully aware of that,” Jason nodded, meeting his gaze. “But I know how much Jamie respects you and that’s good enough for me.”
“Jamie?” Granddad cocked his head at Jason. “You don’t use that ridiculous nickname?”
“No, sir,” Jason shook his head. “She has a beautiful name. It’d be a shame not to use it.”
Granddad nodded his head and looked down at me. I could see the feint hint of a smile on his lips and suspected he approved. He motioned for Jason to sit down with him at the table and we sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the huffing and puffing from my brothers as they neared their last few push-ups.
“How long have you been courting my granddaughter?” Granddad asked, holding m
y hand in his as I sat in the chair next to him.
I suspected Jason was a little uncomfortable but, if he was, he wasn’t showing it. He sat upright in his chair and answered Granddad with a steady voice.
“Eight months.”
“Are you sharing a bed?” Granddad asked.
I blushed furiously. That was not the sort of thing I wanted him to know about.
“Yes, sir,” Jason answered immediately. “But you should know that I have nothing but respect for, Jamie. I would never do anything to hurt her.”
Granddad stared at Jason for a while longer but eventually he nodded slightly and turned to me.
“Does he make you happy, Jamie-Lea?” He asked me seriously.
“More than anything,” I smiled, still blushing over his unexpected frankness.
“Alright,” he nodded, turning back to Jason. “This girl is my world. If you do anything to hurt her, you’ll have me and my grandsons to answer to. She is my princess and I expect her to be treated as such, do you understand me?”
“Yes, sir. That won’t be a problem,” Jason nodded.
“Good,” Granddad nodded. “You can call me Peter.”
I smiled because that was an olive branch. Jason seemed to have passed his test and that meant the world to me. I loved my Granddad to bits and it was important to me that he knew how much Jason and I meant to each other.
Granddad turned to Ian who had just joined us at the table, looking far too calm and sweat-free for someone who just completed fifty press-ups.
“You got something to say, son?” Granddad asked.
“Yes, sir,” Ian nodded.
“Spit it out then,” Granddad smiled a hearty smile, clapping Ian on the shoulder.
“Jelly,” Ian nodded to me, motioning for me to come sit next to him.
I released Granddad’s hand and sat down nervously next to Ian, my stomach twisting uncomfortably because I suspected the B-word was about to come up. I’d been quite contented pretending that this was just another day. A day where my brothers had randomly decided to kidnap me, and my Granddad just happened to be making an appearance.
“This is for you,” he handed me a small wrapped present. “You were actually meant to get it last year but…” He glanced up at my Granddad and winced guiltily. “I guess I chickened out.”
I frowned up at him because Ian didn’t do chickening out. I saw the rest of my brothers hovering around the table and my discomfort grew rapidly.
“Ian, I don’t… I can’t…” I tried to give him the box back. I didn’t want this. I couldn’t do it.
“You need to listen, Jelly,” Ian said gently. “It’s your birthday whether you like it or not.”
“Don’t,” I begged, my eyes already welling up.
“It was wrong of us not to celebrate it before,” he said, his voice almost a whisper. His eyes were down and I could tell he was having a hard time talking and it didn’t make it any easier.
“Dad was never able to… He couldn’t do it. It was all too raw for him,” Ian said awkwardly.
“My son was a good man,” Granddad intervened. “He was brave and he loved your mother very much. But he let you down, Jamie-Lea. He loved you with all his heart. You were the apple of his eye, but he was broken without her.”
Because of me. He was broken because I killed her.
“It wasn’t your fault, Jelly,” Ian whispered.
“It was a thromboembolism, Jelly,” Craig added. “The chances are so low. It was just an accident.”
I shook my head stubbornly, pulling my feet up to my chest so that I could hide my tears behind my knees. I could feel Jason’s hand on my knee, but it wasn’t enough. My heart had been ripped from my chest. I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear how much I’d ruined for them. So what if it was an accident? The fact remained, if I hadn’t been born, they’d still have a mother. They’d be happy.
“I killed her,” I said weakly. It took everything I had to get those words out and as soon as they were out I knew I couldn’t speak again without breaking into a thousand tiny pieces.
“Jelly, no,” Ian exclaimed. “You didn’t.”
Granddad pulled me onto his knee, enveloping me in his butterscotch warmth.
“I don’t ever want to hear you say that again, young lady,” he said sternly. I’d never heard anger in my Granddad’s voice before, at least not directed at me. “That is by far the stupidest thing you have ever said.”
I sniffed loudly and stayed in my ball in his arms, willing the pain inside to end.
“I loved your mother as if she was my own daughter. I miss her every day just like your brothers do. She loved your brothers but she wanted a daughter. She was so excited when she found out you were on your way.”
My brothers murmured their agreement.
“If your mother had known, if she had found out in advance what would have happened when you were born, she would have gone ahead with it without a second thought. She wouldn’t have even considered the possibility.”
“You didn’t take Mum’s life, Jelly,” Ian said gently. “She gave it to you.”
I felt him lift me off Granddad’s lap and hold me tight. I cried into his shoulder and let him hold me like he did when I was little. I wished I could go back to being a child again, before I understood what had happened, before I realised what they’d lost.
“We don’t blame you, Jelly,” Ian whispered. “We never blamed you.”
He held me until the trembling stopped, rocking me gently and whispering reassurances. The weight on my chest lifted a little with every minute that passed. My brothers didn’t lie. Lying was not acceptable in our family. That fact kept creeping into my mind every time Ian told me they didn’t blame me.
Eventually, I pulled away from his chest, keeping my eyes down. I signed that I was sorry and felt Ian shake his head.
“You don’t need to do that, Jelly,” he said sadly. “You don’t need to be sorry and you don’t need to be quiet.”
I nodded my head but I wasn’t quite ready to speak. I suspected I’d start crying again if I did.
“I’m no expert, Jelly, but I think they did your make-up wrong,” Danny chirped, taking my chin between his thumb and forefinger and looking at my face.
I couldn’t help but giggle. I suspected I might have had an Alice Cooper thing going on. It was just like Danny to make me laugh in the middle of everything.
“Still beautiful,” Jason winked and made me blush.
I realised I was wearing a dress and been sat with my knees pulled up. Jason had probably got an eyeful of the ridiculously expensive underwear he’d bought me. Better him than anyone else.
“Open your present, Jellybaby!” Alex demanded, bouncing up and down on his feet.
This must have been a dream come true for Alex. He’d been nagging at me to celebrate my birthday since we met. He knew why I didn’t want to celebrate it, so he tried to sidestep the actual day. He’d find any and all reasons to celebrate the tenth of June every year. I’d still not let him get away with it.
“Dad wanted you to have this,” Ian said, pushing the small box back into my hands. “He’d planned on giving it to you on your eighteenth birthday.”
I nodded and accepted the box. I felt sort of numb and empty but warm and fuzzy at the same time. Truth be told, I wasn’t sure how I felt.
I distracted myself from my confusing emotions by opening the small box. It was a necklace on an antique looking gold chain. The locket was oval shaped, gold with a turquoise design. A small sparrow was elegantly perched on the top of the locket. It was beautiful.
“It was Mum’s,” Ian explained. “She was wearing it when you were born.”
I held the locket in my shaking hand, admiring its beauty. The necklace in my hand had touched my Mum’s skin. She’d had it round her neck and now I could have it round mine.
“She gave you her life,” Ian’s words floated round in my head. If I believed him, and I’d never doubted him, then m
y life was a gift, just like this locket. A tear escaped down my cheek, but it didn’t hurt quite as much as its predecessors.
“Dad put these in,” he explained, helping me open the locket to reveal two small pictures.
One was a close up of Mum’s smiling face when she was younger.
“You look just like her,” My Granddad said warmly, confirming my own thoughts.
The other was a very small picture of my mother looking very heavily pregnant and holding her stomach lovingly.
“Just a few weeks before you were born,” Ian explained.
It was a picture of me and my Mum. The only one I’d ever seen. Probably the only one in existence. There’d never be another. It meant the world to me to have a picture of the two of us together.
“Thank you,” I said meekly.
Ian smiled back and kissed me gently on the forehead. He looked a little relieved.
“Happy Birthday, sis,” Ian said.
I was passed around for hugs, not that I was complaining. I’d never needed hugs so badly in all my life. When I reached Jason, I hugged him tight. I breathed in his scent, in desperate need of my Jason-scented sedative.
“You okay, little squirrel?” He whispered against my hair.
I nodded. I felt like I shouldn’t have been okay, but I was. It had been excruciatingly painful to hear what had been said, but I felt lighter for it. A little less burdened. Jason stood, holding me in his arms and gently soothing me.
“I have a question,” he said. I couldn’t see his face because I had my own buried in his chest, but I knew he wasn’t talking to me. From his tone I suspected he was talking to Ian.
“Do you ever not have anything to say?” Ian asked dryly.
“Let the man speak, Ian,” Granddad interrupted gruffly.
“Thanks, Peter,” Jason nodded, his arms still around me. “Why haven’t you celebrated Jamie’s birthday before this? You must have understood how that made her feel?”
I squeezed Jason gently, not sure how I felt about his question. I didn’t want to hear it. I understood why today was a hard day for my brothers. To them, it was the anniversary of my mother’s death, not the anniversary of my birth.
“I know,” I heard Ian sigh. “I’m sorry, Jelly.”