"So the judge will send Daddy back to prison to punish him because he was bad?" Kelsey's voice was very thin. Cait knew that this had merely served to re-enforce Kelsey's conviction that terrible things happened to bad people. But it was more important that she understand what had happened in the middle of her happy party.
"It's up to the parole board now, but yes, that's probably what's going to happen."
"For … for how long?"
"Mr. Dante says three years, maybe more."
Kelsey stared straight ahead, but her arms tightened around the fragile doll until Prudence was nearly bent double. "So … so it's really my fault this time, too, isn't it?"
"No, sweetie, no! Daddy wanted to give you Prudence because he loves you. But the mistake was his, not yours."
Cait glanced at the picture hanging on Kelsey's wall. It was a photo of Cait, Crystal and Kelsey. For the first time Cait noticed how Crystal had put herself in the middle instead of her daughter.
"If there's anyone to blame, Kelsey, it's your mother. She was a grown-up. She knew right from wrong, but she did wrong by lying about your daddy and by talking you into lying, too."
Kelsey stared at her. Very gently Cait pried the child's fingers from the doll and straightened Prudence's rumpled garb. The doll's blue eyes stared straight ahead, very much like Kelsey was staring. Unlike Kelsey's face, however, the doll's porcelain features still reflected serenity.
"Mama Cait?"
Cait realized that Kelsey was now looking at her. "Yes, sweetie?"
"Do you think … I mean, maybe, if I tell those men on the … the—" She gestured helplessly, and Cait smiled as she supplied the right words.
"Parole board."
"Do you think if I tell them that Daddy didn't do bad things like Mommy said, they might not send him back to prison?"
Cait's heart seemed to stop for an instant before galloping furiously. "I don't know. Is that what you want to do?"
Kelsey's head bobbed tentatively at first, then more assertively. "I want Daddy to come home."
"Daddy doesn't expect you to tell anyone anything. Remember the pact you made?"
"That was before."
"Nothing's changed, Kels. You'll still have to say under oath and in front of a lot of people that you lied. You might even get your picture in the paper, and then Sarah and all your friends will know that you lied."
It was very clear from the sudden fear in Kelsey's eyes that that hadn't occurred to her. Cait knew she might be throwing away Tyler's only chance. Nevertheless, she had to make sure that Kelsey understood exactly what testifying could mean to her.
"I don't care," Kelsey said with the defiant jut of her chin that she'd inherited from her father.
"Daddy might go to prison anyway, no matter what you say."
"But he might not."
A child's thinking was so uncomplicated, Cait thought. If only hers could be that way. She knew all too well, however, the odds Tyler was fighting.
If he'd been convicted of burglary or embezzlement or even selling dope, the board would be more inclined to be lenient, given the terrible overcrowding in California prisons. But sex crimes against children were universally abhorred. Rightfully so, Cait knew. But Tyler wasn't guilty.
"Mama Cait? You think I should testify, don't you?"
Cait dropped her gaze to her daughter's face. Yes, yes, yes, she wanted to shout. Because I know better than you do what another stretch in prison will do to your daddy.
"I think this decision has to be yours, and yours alone," she said calmly. But inside her stomach was churning, and her throat ached to release the words in her heart.
Kelsey bit her lip and stared at the wall.
"Whatever you do, darling," Cait added in a firm voice, "I'll support you all the way. And I'll always love you."
Seconds clicked by. Kelsey remained frozen, deep in thought. Cait sat perfectly still.
"If … if I testify, will you be there with me?" Cait's throat pinched tight, and her heart raced. Neither of those things was reflected in her calm tone. "Absolutely."
Kelsey took a deep breath. "I'm still scared, but I'm more scared that I'll never see Daddy again."
* * *
"No!" Tyler's voice was hoarse but firm with determination. Beyond the thick glass separating them, Cait saw his hand clench around the phone pressed to his ear. It was driving her crazy communicating with him this way.
He looked so tired, and his face was gaunt from the weight he'd lost in the two weeks he'd been incarcerated. She longed to kiss away the tension and hold him close, but contact visits weren't allowed in Sacramento County Jail.
"Please, Tyler," Cait murmured into the phone on her side. "Kelsey has a right to make that decision. You said so yourself."
"No, Cait, and that's final."
"Why is it final?"
Tyler raked the hand that was still in a cast through his thick hair. He needed a haircut and a shave. The prison jumpsuit he was wearing had been designed for a much smaller man and desperately needed laundering.
"Because, Cait, it wouldn't do any good. No matter what Kelsey says, Shuffler's got me cold. I don't want her put through hell for nothing."
"That's her choice."
"It's my freedom that's at stake." Anger made his voice dangerously cold.
"That's not an answer."
"It's a fact."
Cait sat back in the hard plastic chair and fought the need to give in to tears. Even though she'd promised herself that she would be composed and reassuring, she was dangerously close to breaking down.
Seeing him penned up, seeing the changes that had already taken place in his face, knowing what was waiting for him, was almost more than she could bear.
"I love you. Doesn't that mean anything to you?" she asked when she had her voice under control again.
"You know it does." His voice sounded raw, even through the phone.
"Then fight so that we can be together. Let me fight alongside you and Kelsey. She wants her daddy home again. And so do I."
His eyes changed, the only sign of his inner agony. Already he was steeling himself for a life where uncontrolled emotions would make him vulnerable.
"It was always impossible. We were just kidding ourselves that it wasn't."
Cait shook her head. "Not me. I believe in the impossible. So did you once. You told me that's why you loved medicine so much. Because miracles happened every day."
He flinched. "Stop it, Cait. You're only making this worse for both of us."
"Not me, Tyler. I'm still fighting. You're the one who's given up."
"I'm the only one who seems to be facing reality," he all but shouted into the phone. This time the flash of emotion in his eyes was harder to conceal. Cait counted that as a victory. She was playing dirty and she knew it, but she didn't care. She was fighting a desperate battle with terrible consequences if she lost.
She glanced around. All the cubicles were filled but the one next to her. On the visitors' side of the glass, she saw mostly women. Their ages varied. Economic situations, too. But the misery on their faces was universal. They had given up.
No, she thought. Never.
"This is the reality," she said softly into the plastic phone receiver that smelled sickeningly of disinfectant. "You gave Kelsey the choice of testifying or not. I thought that was a mistake, but I supported you because you asked me to. Now she's made her choice, and I'm supporting her because she asked me to."
His mouth twisted. "It's not the same—"
"It's exactly the same."
"She'll be hurt, perhaps irreparably." His voice was low and not quite controlled.
"Living the rest of her life with guilt on her conscience will hurt her even more."
"You don't know that!"
"In my practice I see the damage caused by guilt nearly every day. Sometimes it makes me cry because the pain has gone on so long that the damage really is irreparable."
"Cait—"
"Kelsey
needs to do this, Tyler. No matter what the results are, she'll come out of that hearing room feeling good about herself."
He took a deep breath through his mouth. "Lamont will tear her to pieces."
"I don't think so, but if he does, I think she can survive."
"Damn it, I don't!" he shouted loudly enough for the sound to carry through the glass.
Faces turned her way, some out of curiosity or annoyance, others out of compassion. At the guard's station behind Tyler, a Hispanic with a florid face and hard eyes watched him warily for several seconds before shifting his gaze to the clock on the wall. Tyler had been granted fifteen minutes. Most of those were already gone.
Fearful that the guard would call a halt immediately, Cait leaned forward to gain as much privacy as she could and rushed into speech.
"I've already called Dante. He's arranged for Kelsey and me to attend the hearing tomorrow. Whether you like it or not, Kelsey intends to testify."
Tyler's strong jaw worked convulsively before he controlled the muscles of his face. But his eyes remained dark with strong emotion.
"Call it off, Cait."
She shook her head. "I can't."
"Try to understand, Cait."
He wasn't pleading, but she knew from the sudden hoarseness in his tone that what he was going to say came from that fiercely protected place inside him. "Tell me," she whispered.
His face took on an expression of terrible strain, and his knuckles whitened from the strength of his grip around the phone. "I learned something these past few months with you. That I could feel again. That I wanted to be part of the family you and Kelsey had made together. That there are all kinds of prisons."
His chest rose and fell as he drew in air. "I could accept my life the way it was when I was alone. I hated it, but I could manage. But with you…"
"With me?"
His gaze flickered like a caress over her face, and Cait felt some of the fear leave her.
"With you, I was always conscious of the things I wanted to give you but couldn't. When we went out, I wanted it to be where people could see us and know how happy we were, but I had to protect your reputation."
Cait's jaw dropped and her eyes flashed. So that was the reason they'd never gone anywhere but the local pizza parlor and a nearby ice-cream shop. "What are you talking about? You don't have to protect me from anything."
"Yeah, I know," he said, saluting her reaction with a crooked smile. "It was damn controlling and just a little sneaky, but it was all I had to give you. My protection. And now … now that's all I have to give Kelsey. If you let her testify, you'll be taking that one last thing away from me. I'm going back to prison anyway. At least let me go back with my pride."
Tears flooded her eyes, making it difficult to see the anguished eyes boring into hers.
"Please, Cait," he whispered into the receiver. "If you love me, don't do that to me."
For a long moment she was too choked with emotion to speak. The tears ran unchecked down her cheeks. Her mouth trembled with the need to convince him.
Moment by moment, the hands of the clock were moving inexorably. Any second now the guard with the bored face would order Tyler away from her. And he would have to go.
"I do love you," she whispered in an achingly tender voice. "So much I don't have words to tell you how much. More than anything, I want a future for us. The three of us. And someday … someday I want to give Kelsey a brother or sister to love."
"Don't, Cait."
"You've already given us so much. Don't you realize that it's because of you that she has the courage to walk into that room tomorrow? Because of your strength and the love you've shown her. And your forgiveness."
She took a deep breath. Time was nearly up. The steel in his jaw told her that she hadn't reached him.
"As for me, you've made me feel beautiful and treasured and respected. You let me be me, even when it couldn't have been easy for you. You've given us so much. Please let us help you now. Please, darling, please."
He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, she knew she'd lost.
"It's a chance in a million, Cait. I can't let Kelsey take that risk, no matter how strong she thinks she is. I've been there. I know what those bastards can do. Kelsey could never stand up to it."
Cait saw the glint of some brutal memory come into his eyes, and she longed to break through the glass and hold him.
"I think she can. So does she. If there's a chance in a million, I want us to have it. All three of us."
Pain turned his face into a mask. He dropped his head and let the phone fall. Even if she spoke now, he wouldn't hear her.
Oh, Tyler, I love you so much, she thought. Please believe. Please try.
Slowly, as though he'd heard her thoughts, his head came up and his gaze found hers. His shadowed eyes seemed utterly black now, and his mouth was motionless. The intensity of his gaze was almost more than she could bear.
He sat without speaking, his gaze roaming her face hungrily, as though he were memorizing her features. Cait sat perfectly still, conscious that the next few moments might very well decide if her life was ever going to be complete.
When she couldn't stand it any longer, she smiled and pressed her free hand palm out against the glass. Slowly, as though he couldn't help himself, Tyler pressed his hand to hers. It was so much bigger, so much stronger, but the glass between them, cold and unyielding, kept her from feeling its gentleness and warmth.
"I love you," she whispered, knowing that he would read her lips.
His face twisted as though he'd taken a fatal blow. And his eyes narrowed, perhaps to hide the anguish he could no longer disguise. For an instant she thought he was going to repeat her words back to her. Heart racing, she held her breath, waiting.
Seconds passed. Neither moved. Cait felt herself being pulled toward the longing that shivered like tears in his eyes.
Then, abruptly, he broke the symbolic contact of their hands and used his to lift the phone to his mouth again.
"Keep Kelsey out of that hearing tomorrow, Cait. Or, I swear, I'll never forgive you." Before she could react, he had hung up the phone and disappeared behind the impenetrable steel door.
* * *
Chapter 15
« ^ »
Tyler lay stiff and unmoving on the narrow bunk and tried to block out the sounds that were so obscenely familiar. The cell block was dimly lit, revealing row upon row of austere, narrow cages. Men slept four to a cell.
He dragged his forearms across his eyes and tried to will himself into oblivion. But it was a useless effort. Cait was still with him, her soft, anguished, pleading voice tenaciously alive in his thoughts. With every breath he took, he longed to be with her. She was as necessary to him now as food and drink and air to breathe.
He thought of her reappearance into his life and the spirit she'd shown, even when he was venting his white-hot rage at her in his office. He thought of the resentment he'd felt toward her, even as he was coming to want her in his bed.
He had fought the first wisps of feeling as fiercely as he'd once fought to become a doctor. It hadn't taken long, though, before he had realized he was coming to love her.
Tyler clenched his jaw and tried to blot the image of her shining eyes and sensuous, teasing smile from his mind. Even now, knowing that she intended to strip him of the last of his pride, he wanted her with an intensity that filled him with helpless fury.
It wasn't physical hunger that tormented him, however. That he had learned to endure once and would learn to endure again. But the rest—her serenity in face of his black moods, her quiet humor that jolted him out of feeling sorry for himself, her sweet laughter that was a balm to his hurting soul—those things he would always crave with a sharp, endless need.
He wanted her, but, God help him, he would never forgive her. A man who was any kind of a man at all protected the ones he loved. She hadn't even allowed him the one small gift he had left to give.
To some men that mig
ht not seem like much. To a man facing a long stretch in prison, however, a man who needed to feel strong and invulnerable and self-contained in order to survive, it was everything.
* * *
"Nervous?"
Cait gave Dante the reproachful look his question deserved. "How about you?"
The burly attorney shook his head. "I was calmer right before I stepped into a Formula One car for the first time."
"How was Tyler when you saw him last night?"
"Icy. He told me what happened between you. He also told me that I wasn't under any circumstances to call Kelsey as a witness."
Cait's eyes flew fully open and she gaped at him. "You didn't agree?"
"No, I didn't."
"Thank God." Cait slumped against the slats of the bench.
Dante was silent for a moment, and his expression was troubled, as though he were working up his courage. Finally his mouth firmed, as though he'd made a decision. "I owe you an apology," he said gruffly.
"You do?" Her gaze touched his terrible tie before rising to his face.
His grin was ragged. "Not very long ago I told Ty that you weren't his friend. I was wrong. You're probably the best friend he's ever had, including me."
Cait's throat worked. "Thank you," she whispered nearly soundlessly. "You've been a good friend, too. Not only to Tyler, but to Kelsey and me these past weeks. I don't know what we would have done without you and Hazel. When one of you couldn't be around, the other always managed to be there." She smiled. "Like today. Chicken pox, for goodness sakes."
Dante nodded. "She swore she got it at Kelsey's party. I told her we didn't need her testimony, not with Kelsey's. It didn't seem to help. She was still mad at herself."
Cait glanced past his broad shoulder to the water fountain halfway between the bench where she and Dante were sitting and the door to the hearing room. Kelsey, dressed in a new dress she'd picked out herself, was slurping her third drink since they'd arrived fifteen minutes ago.
"The kid has guts," Dante murmured with a fond smile. Kelsey had wound her way into his heart the first time she kissed his cheek and called him Uncle Jess.
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