by Judy Duarte
“So no wedding bells for you?” Rex asked.
“I’m afraid not. Some men just aren’t the marrying kind.” Others sabotaged a good thing before it could blow up in their faces.
“Too bad,” Rex said. “A little romance never hurt anyone.”
Nate could have argued that point. Whatever romance he’d had with Anna had stirred up plenty of hurt in him.
Rex got up from the table and went to the sink, where he poured out the rest of his coffee. Then he glanced out the window and into the yard, where Joy and Sam now stood. “They got something special, don’t they?”
It sure seemed that way.
“Me and my wife had something special, too,” Rex added, “although we nearly split up a couple of times, mostly because of my stubbornness. But bless her heart, she stuck it out, and we shared twenty-seven more good years together. She’s gone now, and I’d give anything to have her back.”
“I guess there aren’t too many relationships like that.”
Rex chuffed. “More than some might think.”
Again Nate wanted to argue, but what did he know about love and lifetime commitments?
Under normal circumstances, he would have steered the conversation into a completely different and much safer direction. But for some reason he said, “I don’t remember my parents ever being happy. The closest thing to a real marriage I ever witnessed was the one my grandfather and Audrey had. And their relationship didn’t appear to be all that special to me.”
“I know what you mean,” Rex said. “I’m sure they were fairly happy, but not like they should have been.”
Nate studied the old man, wondering just how much he knew about the couple—probably a lot more than Nate did.
“Did you know that Audrey and your grandpa used to be high school sweethearts?” Rex asked.
That was news to Nate. They’d gotten married late in life, so he’d just assumed they hadn’t known each other when they were younger. “Why didn’t they get married back then?”
“I’m sure that had been Audrey’s plan, but then Clint met a redhead with a penchant for rodeo cowboys and parties. She got pregnant, so Clint married her.”
“Was that my grandmother?” Nate asked.
“I ’spect it was. Clint only had one kid, a daughter he adored. That’s why he stayed with his wife—until she ran off with a slick-talking car salesman, taking your mama with her. It dang near broke Clint’s heart, especially when she moved on without a forwarding address.”
Nate hadn’t realized that. If he had, it would have given him one more reason not to risk love or marriage.
“Your grandfather remained single and committed to his career for a long time. And Audrey got married along the way, but the guy up and died on her. She’d been widowed for years when she and Clint hooked up again.”
“That’s nice,” Nate said. “I’m glad they found each other and didn’t have to spend their last years alone.”
“I hear you.” Rex slowly shook his gray head.
“My grandfather never mentioned his first wife—or even my mother,” Nate said.
“That’s probably because he didn’t have the chance to know your mom. She was just a toddler when your grandma ran off with her.”
“I wish he would have said something.”
“Maybe he just didn’t want to make Audrey uncomfortable. She might have resented the fact that if things had been different, she might have had kids and a family of her own.”
“Maybe that’s why she never quite warmed to me,” Nate said.
“If she didn’t, that was her loss. Some people refuse to break free from the chains of the past. But the smart ones will.” Rex sat back in his chair, folded his arms across his chest and smirked. “But I gotta tell you, son. You can blame your family or fate or whatever situation might have brought you to your knees, but there will come a day when you finally realize that life is too damn short to be thick-skinned and mule-headed.”
As usual, Rex had a reason for his story, a lesson to teach. And it gave Nate pause.
He’d had a lot of bad breaks over the years. He’d lost his mom as a kid and had been left with an alcoholic father. He’d been sent to foster care as a teenager. And he’d suffered a career-ending accident when Fire in the Hole trampled him.
But Rex had a point. If Nate wanted to be thick-skinned and mule-headed, he could blame fate or his old man for the rest of his life. But he had to take ownership of his life now.
So where did he go from here?
Chapter Twelve
Nate worked his tail off all day, hoping the physical labor would keep his mind off his troubles. But no matter what he did, his worries continued to haunt him until Sam stepped off the wraparound porch and called him into the ranch house for dinner.
Normally, Nate had a big appetite, especially when it came to eating whatever Joy had prepared for the oldsters and the hands, but there was too much going on in his brain to even think about food.
Besides, he needed to have that chat with Sam, and now seemed like as good a time as ever.
“Can we talk for a minute?” Nate asked the foreman. “Alone?”
“Sure.” Sam crossed the lawn and met Nate in the yard.
“I need some fatherly advice, and since my grandpa’s gone, I figure you’re the next best thing.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment, son.”
Nate’s only response was a nod. “I really appreciate this job, Sam. And I plan to help you out while you’re on your honeymoon, but...”
“But it’s time for you to move on.” Sam removed his hat and wiped his brow with the sleeve of his red flannel shirt. “I knew working here was just a temporary fix to your troubles. And I know we haven’t been able to pay you what you’re worth.”
“It was never about money,” Nate said.
“I know that, too. Your grandpa and I were pretty tight, and I have a pretty good idea how much he made with the sale of the Double M. So my guess is that you’ve got plenty of cash in reserve. Enough to even buy your own ranch, if you wanted to.”
Nate knew Sam wasn’t poking for details. He was just making a good assumption. “You’re right. I’ve got enough to buy a respectable spread, but that ranch would never be the Double M.”
“I know.” Sam placed a hand on Nate’s shoulder, his grip sure and steady. “And I suspect the fact that Clint sold it without telling you probably still eats at you. But your grandfather had his reasons for selling it so quickly. Audrey was diagnosed with cancer, and he wanted to make sure they could spend some quality time together before she passed.”
“Audrey was dying?” Nate tried to reel in his surprise, but it was pretty hard to do after the fact.
“She’d been in and out of remission for years, but the most recent bout of chemo didn’t do the trick. Clint didn’t know how much time she had left. He wanted her to have an experimental treatment and wasn’t sure what it might end up costing.”
Grandpa Clint had obviously shared all of that with Sam. Why hadn’t he told Nate?
Damn, how long had she been sick? Was that why she’d seemed to keep her distance? Were there days when she’d been too ill to come out of her room?
“My grandpa never said a thing to me,” Nate said. “I guess that just goes to show you we weren’t all that close.”
“I suggested he level with you, but he figured you’d been through too much already. And he was hoping she’d get better.”
Shocked and speechless, Nate blew out a ragged sigh.
“Ironic,” Sam said. “Isn’t it? Clint knew he’d be losing his wife in the upcoming months. He just hadn’t expected to go out wit
h her in a car accident.”
Nate had no idea what to say, what to think.
“You’d been through so much, first with your own accident, then with Clint’s death. So when I heard you were ready to go back to work, I figured the Rocking C would be the perfect place for you to start.”
“Working here has been good for me,” Nate admitted. “But just so you know, I’ve been offered a position with Esteban Enterprises.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“Truthfully? I’m both excited and torn. That position would require me to travel. A lot.”
“And now you have a baby to think about,” Sam said, “a family to consider.”
“That’s about the size of it. I want to be a good father, but I never had a good role model.”
“You had Clint.”
“Yes, and he taught me how to be a good man, a good cowboy. But as you’ve probably already figured out, we didn’t share too many personal thoughts or feelings.”
“Sometimes it’s easier to clam up,” Sam said. “But as you’ve seen, that’s not always the case.”
“What do I know about being a family man?” Nate asked.
“I suspect you have a pretty good idea about what not to be.”
Sam had that right.
“When I was a kid,” Nate admitted, “I remember running up to my old man for a hug or reassurance or whatever. And most of the time, he’d push me away. After a while, you stop expecting any affection.”
“The way I see it,” Sam said, “you’ve done some pushing away yourself.”
The words, the truth, slammed into Nate with a brutal wallop. But then, how in the world would Sam know about Anna, about what Nate had done to keep her from getting too close?
“Last I heard,” Sam said, “that pretty social worker was staying with you and looking after Jessie. But looks like you lost her—as a sitter, a roommate or...whatever.”
Nate had lost her all right. But only because he’d pushed her away. “Hell, Sam. Anna’s better off without me. I’m too messed up.”
Sam slowly shook his head. “That’s not true. And don’t you believe it. You’re a fine, upstanding man—and a damn good cowboy, whether you’re competing in the rodeo or working with horses on a ranch. Granted, you might have messed up with Anna. And if that was the case, you’ll just need to make things right.”
Sam undoubtedly had a point, but Nate had no idea where to start.
* * *
Anna had no more than checked into her new room at the Night Owl Motel, set out her toiletries in the bathroom and hung her clothes up in the small closet when her cell phone rang.
Carla, her landlord, told her the work had finally been completed on the studio apartment, and she could return whenever she wanted to.
How was that for luck?
If that call had come in just fifteen minutes earlier, she’d be able to drive straight home. But now?
She would have to present her case to the clerk at the front desk and hope to get a refund. So she packed up her belongings. She’d just reached for her suitcase handle when a knock sounded at the motel room door. She let out a huff and went to see who it was. The maid, she assumed. But when she spotted Nate standing in the doorway, his hat in hand, her jaw dropped and it took her a moment to recover.
“What do you want?” she asked—and not very nicely.
“I came because I owe you an apology. And I think we need to have a heart-to-heart talk.”
She wanted to slam the door in his face, but that wouldn’t do her any good. Not if there was a chance he might release custody of the baby to her. So she stepped aside and let him into the small room.
He glanced at the bed, where her packed suitcase rested. “I take it you just arrived.”
“Yes, but I’m going to check out. I just learned that my place is finally ready, so I’m going home.”
“Then I’m glad I caught you before you left.”
Anna folded her arms across her chest. She might not want to stir up anything with a man who could become a legal adversary, but she didn’t have to make things easy for him. “So what was it you wanted to say?”
“First of all, I was a jerk and said a lot of things I didn’t mean. You have no idea how sorry I am. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way, especially after...what we shared.”
As much as she’d like to hold on to her anger and hurt feelings, it wouldn’t do her or the baby any good. “Apology accepted.”
Nate glanced down at his boots, and when he looked up, she spotted something raw and vulnerable in his eyes, something that told her this wasn’t easy for him.
“That accident damn near killed me,” he said. “And I’m not just talking about the broken bones and internal injuries. It stole my very identity. At least, that’s what I thought for the longest time.”
“I’m sorry that your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have value or other options.”
“I realize that now. The job at the Rocking C was just something to keep me busy while I figured out what I wanted to do. And now I have a pretty good idea.”
“You want to remain involved with the rodeo,” she said. “Believe it or not, I get that. But Jessie deserves to have a full-time parent. And I’d be more than happy to take custody—if you’ll sign it over.”
He paled, and his lips parted. It seemed to take him a moment to recover. “Are you suggesting that I give Jessie up? To you?”
That was exactly what she was getting at, although she hadn’t meant to blindside him. But the whole idea had taken her a little by surprise, too. “I didn’t expect it to happen, but I love that little girl. And I want to do whatever I can to ensure she’s raised in a happy, loving home.”
“I can’t do that,” he said. “She’s... I’m...”
“You wouldn’t give her up, even if it turns out that she’s not your biological daughter?”
He studied her for the longest moment then slowly shook his head. “No, I wouldn’t do that. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And I’ve come to a couple of conclusions I should have realized a long time ago.”
“What’s that?”
“The reason I refused to be tested earlier—at least, the reason I latched on to—was that I was afraid that she might not be my daughter. Kenny Huddleston, the man who beat Jessie’s mom to death, was married to her. So there’s a possibility he’s her father. He might be serving time in jail for what he did, but what if one of his family members were to step up and want her?”
Anna hadn’t realized Nate had been trying to protect Jessie. “But if she is a Huddleston, and if someone—an aunt or uncle, a grandparent—wants to raise her—”
“No!” Nate shook his head. “I can’t let that happen. You don’t know those people. Kenny has some shady relatives, several of whom have been arrested and convicted of crimes like assault, drunk and disorderly conduct or driving while under the influence.”
Anna hadn’t realized any of that. No wonder Nate was so adamant about retaining custody. It also meant she couldn’t challenge his paternity or his ability to parent. She couldn’t risk doing anything that would give that precious baby to anyone who’d mistreat her or lead her astray. “I’m sorry, Nate. I had no idea you had gone so far to protect Jessie.”
He chuffed then shook his head again. “But do you know what’s even scarier to me? It’s learning that she actually is my daughter. As long as I was doing a good deed, like
taking in a little one with no place better to be, I really couldn’t fail her. But if I am her father, then she’s stuck with me.”
As angry as Anna had been, as hurt by Nate’s complete disregard of her feelings, sympathy rose up in their place, chasing the bitterness away. Nate was an amazing man, flawed a bit, but full of love and kindness. He wanted to be a good father, but was afraid he didn’t know how. Without a thought, she reached out and stroked his upper arm. “Ever since moving into your house, I’ve watched the two of you. I’ve seen you feed her and cuddle her. You’ve been giving Jessie exactly what she needs.”
“Thank you for that. It helps to know you have faith in me. And while we’re on the touchy-feely stuff—and my struggle to deal with emotions, mine or anyone else’s—Jessie wasn’t the only one who scared the living hell out of me.” Nate reached for Anna’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “You’ve got me squirming inside, too, honey.”
Her heart fluttered, ready to take flight. “How so?”
“In the past, I chose to walk away from people who got too close and who might expect more from a relationship than I was able or willing to give. But that’s about to change.”
Did she dare ask him to explain?
“I’m going to have that DNA test, although the results won’t matter. I’m already in love with that baby girl.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” But Anna wasn’t quite ready to walk away from Jessie’s life. Or to turn her back on Nate. If he’d give her any reason to think or hope—
“But that’s not all. I’m also in love with you. And the thought of losing either one of you, let alone both, scares me more than instant fatherhood once did.”
Anna could scarcely believe what he was saying. “You love me?”
“I probably should apologize to you for that.” Nate shook his head. “Damn, I can’t believe I said that.”
“I heard it with my own ears, so don’t try to backpedal on me now. Are you sure about this? About us?”