by S M Stuart
“It’s not a good idea to go probing around in there,” he tapped my forehead, “until you’ve got the all-clear from Alvin.”
I sighed with resignation.
“You’re probably right. It’s just so hard to ignore all these connections, especially if one of them could help track down your mum’s PT.”
“Yeah, but who’s to say he won’t be able to track you down if you connect with him? You can’t risk it, Dez.”
“And that’s another thing.”
“What now?”
“Her PT – he’d know who your mum was. Why didn’t he come to find her Handi to keep his identity secret?”
“A diary’s such a private thing – maybe the Bloc keeps it hidden unless you really have faith in your PT. Anyway, even if he knew she was keeping a diary the entries are so vague he probably didn’t put two and two together. He might have been flattered that she was keeping a scrap book of his killing spree. He’d feel safe enough knowing she couldn’t refer to him explicitly.” Seth’s tone was one of revulsion.
No matter what Seth said, I was determined to use my abilities to follow Elizabeth’s clues. Yes, I’d wait until I next saw Alvin, but once I knew how to control my open mind and target specific connections, I’d be going after the monster that killed all those people and drove my best friend’s mum to her death.
“Come here,” I said, lying on the blanket with my arms reaching up to invite him into them. “Let’s try to be a normal couple for a while, eh?”
He grinned and lowered himself until his face was close to mine.
“Like this?” he said and kissed my mouth lightly. “And this?” Kissing the tip of my nose. “And this?” Moving down the side of my neck.
“Oh, shut up!” I said, turning towards him to demonstrate the type of kissing I was really interested in. I felt his lips turn up under mine and I forced my tongue through his grin, savouring his taste and enjoying his slight hesitation before he responded. The sensations I’d experienced as the Parisian girl came rushing back to me. My breath came in short gasps, I felt my nipples tingle and the burning of extra sensitive nerves running through my skin. Every part of me fizzled and I pushed my body against Seth’s, hungry for more. I gripped his buttocks and held him tightly to me, thrilled by the obvious effect I was having on him. I could feel his arousal and it made my desire stronger. I no longer had any control – my body writhed and throbbed with passion. My hands slid around Seth’s hips reaching to undo his jeans.
“NO!” He rolled away from me. Breathing heavily and flushed red in his face. “Damn it, Dez. What’s got into you?”
I was furious. My body still ached for fulfilment and he was looking at me like I was a sex-crazed slut. I was about to lash out with a foul-mouthed response, but the haze cleared and I came to my senses. The shock set in – I began to shake and tears filled my eyes, blurring the image of Seth standing well out of my reach. I felt sick with shame. I ran into the house, up to the bathroom and locked the door, only just managing to reach the loo before throwing up. Seth was right to be disgusted by my behaviour. We’d only just got together as a couple. Okay, we wouldn’t be breaking any laws but why did I need it so early in our relationship and why so desperately? Was it even me wanting it or was it just that poor Parisian girl’s cravings? I lay on the cool tiled bathroom floor and wept, sure that I’d lost Seth for real this time.
Eventually, I got my sobs under control and staggered to the washbasin. An occasional dry whimper escaped and my face was swollen, blotchy and particularly unattractive. Serves you right! I sneered at my reflection. Might as well look as ugly as you feel! Still, I splashed my face with cold water in an attempt to repair some of the damage. A tentative knock on the door interrupted my self- condemnation.
“Dez? Dez, are you okay?”
“Go away, Seth. Leave me alone.”
“Dez. Please. Open the door. I’m sorry. You took me by surprise. That’s all. Please, Dez. Let me in.”
Oh, how I wanted to be strong. To send him packing with a flea in his ear for being so judgemental. But I agreed with his reaction. What had I been thinking? Never mind the moral issue – we were in my parents’ garden in broad daylight and without any form of contraception! Jeez – the stupidity of it almost made it laughable. I released the lock but couldn’t bring myself to open the door. After a moment’s hesitation, Seth tried the handle and, finding it unlocked, he came in. I could see from the redness around his eyes that he’d been blubbing too.
“Desirée Hanson, you’re dangerous to be with.” His lop-sided grin was back again and it made me smile too. “How can I hold out under such an attack?”
“No. Don’t,” I said, the smile falling away. “Don’t make fun of me. Please. I … I don’t know what was going on. One minute it’s fine and the next … well, I’m not surprised you’re disgusted by what happened next. I just don’t know if it was really me doing it.”
“Dez, listen to me. I love you. I wasn’t disgusted – no don’t shake your head – I wasn’t. Actually, I have to admit I was rather flattered that I could have that effect on you so quickly! I was loving it. Don’t say you didn’t notice. But I got scared. Scared at how fast we could go so far without realising it.”
“You were angry with me, Seth. You were right to be.”
“No, I just told you. It wasn’t anger – it was fear. Fear of messing up. I want things to be done properly, Dez. We haven’t even been on a date yet. You did say you wanted to be a normal couple, right?”
By now I was in his arms again, my head resting on his chest where I could hear the steady rhythm of his heart – lub-dub, lub-dub. He gave me a quick squeeze then steered me out of the bathroom, past my bedroom door and towards the stairs.
“Safer if we go sit in the lounge, yeah?”
“Suppose so.” I agreed.
Although we sat together on the sofa, we merely held hands and avoided any serious kissing. My earlier reaction had created a reluctance to try anything more than an occasional peck on the cheek for now. I sighed and leaned my head back onto an over-stuffed cushion.
“What’s it like to be normal?” I asked. “I’ve forgotten.”
“Wouldn’t know,” he replied. He paused before continuing, “I’m a freak just like you.” His grin softened the words and I knew he was trying to lighten the mood. “Maybe not quite like you,” he added on seeing my raised eyebrow.
“Tell.” I sat up straight, wanting to hear his explanation.
He hesitated for a moment then said, “I haven’t connected to my PT either.”
“WHAT?” I leapt to my feet and glowered at him, “You mean all this time I’ve been going through hell thinking I’m the only one with this … this defect, you’ve been the same?”
At least he had the decency to look ashamed!
“Seems I’ve got to apologise yet again,” he sighed. “Sorry for not being up-front with you. Surely you, of all people, understand why I didn’t let on straight away? Then you were all upset about your PT not connecting and I didn’t get chance to say anything. And when you were going to see Alvin, I thought I’d see if it worked for you before I tried it. ’Course now you’re open on all channels it’s scared me off! I’d rather one of us had a reasonably empty head!”
I wasn’t sure whether to be angry at his apparently selfish attitude in allowing me to take all the risks with the hypnotherapy, or to be happy that, at last, I knew he understood some of what I’d gone through since my Sixteenth-Eve Party.
“Yeah – your head is definitely the empty one around here!” I grabbed the cushion and started to whack him with it – just as the ’rents came in from their walk. Luckily, the cushion was still intact so Mum’s initial irritation quickly disappeared.
“Jennifer will be here soon. I’ll go put the kettle on. Tea for everyone?” she asked, as she went through to the kitchen.
Trust Mum. Tea for all occasions!
CHAPTER 29
Ellingham: 4 August 2110
I surreptitiously looked at Alvin and Ms Thorogood as they settled themselves for our Monday morning session. When I’d answered the door they’d seemed startled and moved to stand further apart. Mm – fancy that! I resisted the temptation to try and listen in on their thoughts, but I could see from their body language that there’d been a shift in their relationship since our last meeting.
“So, Dez. What did you want to talk about on Saturday? Sorry I couldn’t take your call – I left for a seminar after seeing you that morning.” Alvin pushed his designer specs up onto the bridge of his nose and I briefly wondered why he hadn’t had laser treatment or the latest ocular-implants to correct his sight. It was rare to see people wearing specs these days.
“I’m not sure if you can help but I’ve been having weird dreams – no, not dreams, more like memories. I can remember things as though they were happening to me but they never did.” I could see the confusion in Alvin’s face. “You think I’m crazy.”
“No, not at all. Please don’t label yourself, Dez. Tell me what you felt and we’ll see if we can get to the bottom of it.”
I looked at Ms Thorogood and she gave me an encouraging nod. Seth had transferred the news reports from Elizabeth’s Handi to my current DataRoll and I passed it over to Alvin.
“I’ve had vivid memories of two of these, as though I was the victim – the girl in the Weardale woods and the Parisian girl. I felt and thought everything they did. I was there – I was them! How is that possible?” By the time I’d finished I was breathless and my heart was pounding making my temples throb with the rush of blood. I hadn’t realised how tense I’d been, how worried I was about sharing this with anyone other than Seth.
Alvin looked thoughtful. He sat back in the chair, handed the DataRoll to Ms Thorogood then turned to me again.
“Dez, your extraordinary ability to connect with others is beyond anything we’ve come across before. I consulted with some of the therapists at the seminar to see if they’ve ever had anyone with similar abilities.” I wasn’t sure I was happy about being discussed – it must’ve shown in my face. “Don’t worry,” he continued. “I didn’t refer to you by name, so you won’t have the media beating a trail to your door. There’ve been very rare cases where an individual has been able to sense the feelings and thoughts of others besides their dedicated PT, but only when they are in close proximity to those other people. Your case is unique in that you seem to be able to connect remotely. Several of my colleagues would like to investigate your talent further but that, of course, is up to you.”
“Not sure about that,” I mumbled. “It’s bad enough having it in the first place without becoming a lab-rat.”
“No pressure, Dez. Just give it some thought and if you feel differently later we can always set something up.”
“Don’t push her, Alvin.” Ms Thorogood came to my rescue. “She’s got enough on her plate, don’t you think?”
“Yes, sorry Dez. Debbie’s right. My professional curiosity is getting the better of me. Let’s take it one step at a time. These memories are very interesting.”
“Frightening, more like,” I interrupted.
“Indeed, indeed.” But his sympathy didn’t sound very convincing. Maybe I’d be better off trying to sort things out without him poking around in my head any longer.
“Alvin!” Ms Thorogood’s voice was sharp as she reached over to shake him out of his thoughts. “Come on. Dez needs our help and you’ve gone over to the dark side – all scientist instead of therapist.”
His head came up in surprise. “Oh! I’m so sorry. Please forgive me, Dez. I’ll try to help – of course – but I am concerned that I’m working blind. I can’t see the cause of the problem so we’re going to have to be very careful. What’s your main worry at the moment?”
“I spend most of my time trying to keep the connections locked away in that mental room we created last session, otherwise the noise gets too much. It’s tiring and I’ve got a constant headache from concentrating so hard all the time. I’m getting used to it, I suppose, but it would be nice if it was easier to ignore.”
“In that case, we’ll try to reinforce your subconscious to do that for you in today’s session. Anything else – other than these memories, of course?”
“What if I want to make a specific connection? Is that going to open the floodgates again?”
“That I can’t answer, I’m afraid. Are you thinking about finding your dedicated PT this way?”
I didn’t want to admit that I was trying to track down a killer and Alvin had, inadvertently, given me the ideal excuse. “Yeah. I’d really like to know who they are.”
“Mm. I could try to suggest a mental key for you. So that your subconscious might allow you to make an individual connection whilst keeping the rest of them contained. Again, this is all new territory for me so I can’t give you any guarantees.”
“Understood.”
“Right – I suggest we get on with that for now and, when I get back to my office, I’ll research your memory phenomenon to see if anyone else has ever experienced it. Agreed?”
“Agreed,” I answered and settled back into the chair for another relaxing hypno session.
***
“How’d it go?” Seth asked later that morning. “Did Alvin have any ideas about your memories?”
“No. He’s gone off to see what he can find. He says I’m unique so I don’t know how he’s going to find anything of any use!” I was plumping up cushions in the lounge – thumping them more viciously than actually needed, just to release some of the frustration.
“Always knew you were one of a kind.” Seth pulled me into a hug.
“Back off Wallis – I’ve a loaded cushion and I’m not afraid to use it!” I held it up, as though targeting his head.
He stepped back, hands up in surrender and we both laughed at my poor joke. I dropped onto the sofa, a picture of teenage dejection. Holding the cushion on my knee I sank my chin onto its velvet cover, the scent of Mum’s favourite fabric freshener washed over me and I closed my eyes allowing the memory of childhood sick days to briefly comfort me. Days when I’d curl up on the sofa surrounded by those cushions and Mum would let me watch my favourite programmes while encouraging me to eat her homemade vegetable soup.
I woke to find myself lying on the sofa, my head on Seth’s lap and his hand gently stroking my hair. I glanced up at his face – he was looking out of the window, absorbed in the antics of a cheeky squirrel trying to get at the birds’ peanuts.
“How long have I been asleep?” I asked, sitting up and stretching.
“Not long. About an hour, I suppose. You must’ve needed it. I’ve never seen anyone go off so quickly.”
“Sorry,” I yawned. “I think the hypno sessions make me dopey.”
“That and the sleepless nights you’ve been having, eh?”
“Mm. Well, let’s hope this session has put my head-pals to sleep for a while.” The voices were significantly quieter, a mere murmur that I could, almost, ignore. I would have to wait and see if that was a permanent change or just an immediate, short-term reaction to the hypnotherapy. “Yep, they seem to have dozed off for now. Come on, let’s find something for lunch. Dad’s in London and Mum’s gone over to Aunt Jen’s so it’s just the two of us. What do you fancy?”
“You mean apart from you?”
“Ha, Ha!” I said, sarcastically though I couldn’t stop the grin of pleasure and the slight blush his comment brought out. “I can do paninis, jacket spuds, or we might have some pizzas hiding away where Mum can’t see them.”
“Tell you what, I’ll take you into town and we can try that new place – Muskrats, isn’t it?”
“Kumquats!” I laughed. “You rich or something?”
“Not really. But if I can’t manage the bill I’m sure my wealthy girlfriend can spare some of her birthday credits for a glass of water and some dry bread.”
“Cheeky
!” I punched him playfully and it was only when we were on the ecotram, half-way into town, that I realised he’d managed to get me away from home-turf for the first time since my stay at the clinic.
“I can’t do this,” I said. My vision blurred and I felt light-headed.
“You’re okay, Dez.” He squeezed my hand. “I’m here with you. Take a deep breath and you’ll be fine.”
Of course he was right. What was I afraid of? But I struggled to keep the panic attack at bay. I felt my forehead become clammy with sweat and my jaw ached from clenching my teeth to stop them chattering. Throughout the rest of the journey Seth soothed me and talked about random things to distract me. Some of the other passengers glanced our way, conscious that something was going on although not sure what. Finally, the ecotram got to our stop and Seth guided me out onto the pavement. I stood on shaking legs and took long steadying breaths to calm my nausea and slow my heartbeat.
“I’m fine now,” I managed after a couple of minutes. “Sorry. Haven’t done that in a while, have I?” I smiled weakly at him.
“Yeah, when you did it after jamming our Holo-Comms system I looked it up so I’d be better prepared next time. Seems to have worked.” Seth smiled back at me, put his arm around my shoulders and steered me into the shopping centre.
As we settled into a cosy corner booth in Kumquats, a feminine squeal made me jump.
“DEZ! How are you? Heard about your accident at the lake. So glad you’re okay.”
“Thanks, Andrea,” I replied, half-heartedly. The last thing I needed right now was the class bitch cosying-up to us, just to get her ammunition for Academy gossip. The little devil inside me reared its head and, without intending to, I was listening to her thoughts.
‘What IS she wearing? He’s no better. I wouldn’t be seen dead looking like that. Maybe that’s why she wanted to top herself – can’t keep up with the rest of us.’
‘Who’re you bitchin’ ‘bout now, Andy-Pandy?’