“Yer ah bloody oogly son oove ah bitch!” Tallis railed, obviously trying to draw its attention from me.
The creature turned to face Tallis and reared back, like a threatened spider. It dropped its head down onto its chest and raised its arms while pivoting on its toes until it was fully facing him. Then it hissed again.
“Aye, come fer meh,” Tallis egged it on, his tone of voice level and seemingly unconcerned. He circled around the thing once, and then stood still, his feet shoulder-width apart.
The creature opened its mouth and a long, black tongue rolled slowly out of it. The tongue lifted into the air and paused for a few seconds, as if it were a snake, catching the scent of something. Then it immediately turned its attention back to Bill and me. Clearly, it wasn’t interested in Tallis.
“Dude, or dudette, we don’t want no trouble,” Bill said as he held his hands a little higher, ostensibly so the creature, which didn’t appear to understand, could see that he was unarmed. “We was just on our way lookin’ fer the road outta this screwed up, hate forest. We’re just a couple of lost travelers, ya know? Soze we’ll just be on our way again, an’ outta yours so you can go back to doin’ whatever you … purple-horned-things like to do.”
The creature cocked its head to the side like a curious dog. It studied Bill for a few seconds as its tongue recoiled into its mouth.
“Keep talking to it, Bill,” I whispered. “I think it likes your voice.” Well, that is, if the whole tongue-recoiling were any indication.
Bill nodded as he centered his attention on the creature again. “I get that ya got species dysphoria, dude,” he started and the creature looked right at him, only cocking its head to the other side as it studied him. “Seein’ as how you look kinda like a man, you pro’lly feel like you’re trapped in the body of the wrong species, an’ I get that, man, I really do,” Bill continued while taking another tentative step in front of me. “It’s gotta be tough when ya look sorta semi-human but mostly just ugly.”
“That’s good, Bill,” I encouraged him because it seemed the creature wasn’t as testy as it appeared a few seconds ago. It seemed like its stance was even a bit more relaxed … Or maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.
“I’m runnin’ outta stuff to talk about,” Bill whispered to me from the side of his mouth.
“Just talk to it about anything! It’s not attacking us, so consider that a good thing,” I said. When I glanced over at Tallis, he was definitely showing surprise. Since he didn’t make any attempts to kill the thing, I figured he probably agreed with me.
Bill nodded before facing the creature again. “So, yeah, you’re like semi-human, right?” he asked. “That’s cool, bro,” he continued. “The bad news is you got totally walloped by the ugly stick. I mean, dude! You got like so beat down!” I watched Bill’s head drop as he glanced at the creature’s loin area. “An’ it looks like you’re also missin’ a dick,” he added, shaking his head in apparent sympathy. “I can’t even begin to imagine how much that sucks.” He shook his head even harder as he sighed. “A dude without a dick …” Then he suddenly interjected, “Unless you ain’t no dude! Is that it? You just look bad enuff to be a dude, but yer really just a chick trapped in a dude’s ugly body!”
The creature’s eyes narrowed and it made that horrible hissing sound again before opening its mouth and rolling its tongue out again. This time, the tongue oscillated back and forth in the air, looking like a cobra in front of a snake charmer.
“Say something nice to it!” I whispered to Bill while gripping his upper arm. My biggest fear was that creature could somehow detect that Bill was making fun of it. I didn’t know how that were possible, but since I’d died and started retrieving souls in the Underground City, I’d stopped asking what was or wasn’t possible anymore.
“That’s cool though, dudella, ’cause you’re still aces with me,” Bill gushed, nodding again as the creature speared him with its vacant gaze and then opened its mouth again and hissed. In response, Bill jumped about an inch or so and backed up, stepping right onto my foot.
“Keep going,” I whispered as I ignored the momentary pain in my toes. The last thing I wanted was for Bill to pay attention to anything other than our frightening acquaintance.
“Okay, okay,” he said out of the corner of his mouth before facing the creature again with a deep breath. “Yeah, so … I get that you’re down on your luck an’ livin’ the thug life,” Bill rambled on. He forced out a laugh, which sounded completely nervous. “I feel your nuts, yo.” Then he shrugged. “If, in fact, you got ’em.”
The creature hissed again and took a few steps toward us as Bill backed up, right onto my other foot. He turned his head to the side and whispered to me: “I don’t think it likes what I’m sayin’; maybe it took the dick comment too seriously.” His voice sounded panicked. “Why don’t you try talking to it! I’m runnin’ outta material!”
“It liked you before!” I whispered back while patting him on the shoulder to console him. “Just continue talking nicely to it and stop acting like you’re scared. It’s probably got a sixth sense like a dog and knows when you’re nervous.”
“A dog?” Bill repeated. His jaw dropped open as he gaped at me from the corner of his eye. “That thing is nothing like a dog!”
“Just talk nicely to it!” I insisted.
Bill didn’t say anything more to me, but turned back to the creature. “Maybe you’d benefit from, ya know, something like a makeover, yo,” he said. “Maybe they could like sand down your horns a little bit so they aren’t so damn sharp? Then you could like buff yourself all over so you’re all shiny an’ shit? I’m sure chicks an’ dicks would totally dig you then!”
The creature took another few steps toward us, slowly lowering its chin and keeping its gaze locked on us. It hissed again, then squatted down low before jumping a good twelve feet, straight up into the sky. It landed barely a foot or so in front of Bill.
“Fuuuck!” Bill squealed as he nearly doubled over on top of me.
The creature opened its mouth and jerked its head back before lurching forward. Something fluorescent green, globular, and wet flew out of its mouth, missing Bill’s face by scarcely inches. The loogie, for lack of a better word, splatted against the trunk of a tree behind us and seemed to attach itself to the bark. Then it started to bubble up and appeared to be growing, easily tripling in size. As I watched in abject horror, the gooey mass of snot-like material began to dissolve the trunk of the long dead tree.
“Kill it!” Bill yelled at Tallis who was already behind the creature and swinging his sword toward it.
The thing turned around in record time and hissed at Tallis, before pulling its head back to spit another wad of horrible globule at him. But Tallis was quick on his feet and easily dodged it. He pivoted on his toes in a matter of seconds and heaved his sword up high in the air, before bringing it down on the creature, just as the thing lurched out of the way.
“Oh God!” I heard myself exclaim as I watched Tallis cleaving the creature’s arm right off. The thing wailed out in pain as the fluorescent green … blood, or so I figured it was, starting spurting from its wound and pooling on the ground beneath it. Strangely enough, the earth seemed to swallow the creature’s blood immediately and, soon, there was no trace of it at all.
The thing recoiled as it launched another green glob in Tallis’s direction, but the bladesmith was far too swift for the injured creature to hit. He spun around on one foot, bringing his other foot down so he was facing the thing. Then he held his sword up above his right shoulder and decapitated the creature’s head clean off. The head fell onto the ground with a loud thump before rolling forward a few feet. Any blood that splattered on the ground was greedily swallowed up by the earth, something which made me very uneasy because it seemed as if the ground, itself, were alive and hungry.
“So, ya still think it’s pro’lly not a good idea to eat it?” Bill asked.
“I had already fixed mine eyes
on his…”
- Dante’s Inferno
SIX
“What do you think that thing was?” I asked Tallis after finally calming down enough to actually form intelligible words again.
“Ah dinnae know,” he answered, wiping the sweat from his brow. As usual, nothing about him indicated he was in any way affected by what just happened. Having never seen Tallis worried, or in any way fearful about anything, I doubted he ever was. I often wondered if he were even capable of feeling surprised? I could only surmise the plethora of oddities he must have seen during his two-thousand-year-long life, so the answer was probably no.
“Do you have any guesses as to what it was?” I asked, suddenly feeling the need to blab in order to calm my nerves. “I mean, it didn’t look like a demon to me; not like the ones in the Underground City anyway.” ’Course, it also wasn’t like I’d seen all the demons in the Underground City. The ones I had seen, however, were still plenty frightening to give me nightmares for the rest of my life.
“Ah have nae guesses, ’cause Ah have nae seen it before,” Tallis answered, showing little interest. His response struck me as curious. Given how familiar he was with the Underground City, I figured he must have seen every sort of demon the city had to offer. Hmmm … interesting …
“Do you think it was a demon?” I inquired, now genuinely concerned.
I watched Tallis cleaning the creature’s goo off the blade of his sword. He wiped it onto the animal pelt, which was lying on top of the platform. Once the sword shone brightly again, he re-sheathed it in the scabbard across his chest. Frowning at me, he replied, “Ah dinnae know, lass.” He sounded annoyed.
“Hey, Donnie and Marie, here’s a great idea,” Bill suddenly exclaimed, waving his hands in the air to make sure he had our attention. “Why don’t we postpone all the chitchat an’, like, get the fuck outta Dodge?” He nodded emphatically, while adding, “’Cause I dunno ’bout youse bitches, but I don’t wanna hang around waitin’ for another one o’ those spiky, dickless trolls to take another stab at us again! Nope! I wanna get the fuck home, yoze!”
Tallis didn’t say anything, but nodded and approached me. He squatted down so his back was facing me. “Joomp oan, lass,” he ordered.
So he was going to carry me piggyback? Probably easier than carrying me bride-style; and I was definitely not okay with being slung over his shoulder. I could only imagine all the blood rushing to my head; it would surely lead to a major headache … So, with a shrug, I hopped on top of his amply broad back and looped my arms around his neck. When I wrapped my legs around his waist, I felt like I was all of twelve years old again.
“Hold oan tight,” he advised me before gripping me around my legs as he stood up.
“Wow, check out the view from up here!” I said with a little laugh. Even though I meant it as a joke, I actually did have a better view from atop the seven-foot giant.
“Ugh! Why can’t freakin’ Tido piggyback my sorry ass?” Bill grumbled as he glanced over at Tallis. “I mean that in like a totally ungay way, dude, so don’t get no swishy ideas.”
“Aye, Tido has nae plans tae piggyback ye, or yer fat arse,” Tallis responded with a crooked smile. “An’ yer bum’s out the windae if ye think Ah will ever git ideas aboot ye, ye bludy dobber,” he finished, shaking his head.
“What about my bum an’ the window?” Bill asked, shaking his head.
“I think he’s saying you’re out of your mind if you think he’d ever have … amorous feelings toward you,” I translated.
Bill nodded. “Ah, okay.”
I laughed and leaned into Tallis’s warm body. I rested my head against his broad back and loved the way he felt underneath me. As he walked, I could feel his muscles shifting, barely straining despite his increased load. I wasn’t sure why, but that thought really turned me on.
You’re turned on because he’s carrying you like a pack mule? I asked myself but immediately knew the answer.
No, I’m turned on because Tallis always turns me on.
“I’m so happy you’re with us, Tallis,” I whispered into his right ear. I dropped my head back down onto his back and pressed my cheek against it.
He didn’t say anything, although he tightened his hold around my legs. I couldn’t tell if the purpose of his gesture was to let me know he heard and understood me, or if he were just trying to get a better grip on my legs. It didn’t matter; the gesture was whatever it was, and that much was enough for me. At least, for now.
It’s going to have to be enough for you forever, I chastised myself. The sooner you get it into your thick skull and accept that this is all you and Tallis will ever be, so much the better!
Despite the validity of my words, I couldn’t help wishing things were different. If only someday, we could have more than this uncomfortable relationship we now shared.
Don’t hold your breath, that harsh, inner voice of mine finished.
And as much as I wanted to argue with this cynical side of myself, I couldn’t deny how right I was. Blindly wishing that things were different was not only impractical, but also frustrating.
Don’t wish for things to be different with Tallis, Lily, I consoled myself. Just accept him and enjoy him for whoever and whatever he is. Remember the words of John Henry Newman: “Let us act on what we have, since we have not what we wish.”
As always, quoting my self-help gurus and other do-gooders instilled a sense of relief and comfort within me. Like a curtain of water, the words washed over the fiery embers of my anxiety and frivolous expectations, extinguishing the source of my unrest … at least for the time being.
“Hey, Conan, how long you really think you’re gonna be able to carry her like that?” Bill piped up as he faced me with an expression of disbelief on his round face. “’Cause she ain’t that light.”
“If he puts me down, that doesn’t mean he’ll carry you,” I snapped because I was more than aware of why Bill was making this point to begin with.
“I’m not expectin’ that, nerdlet,” he retorted in a patronizing tone. “I was just askin’ a freakin’ question, fer chrissakes.”
Despite Bill’s reasons for his question, it was actually a pertinent one. I also wondered how long Tallis could carry me. The energy he’d expended when killing the thing from the river had to have taxed him. By now, he was probably well beyond exhausted and I was just an additional burden …
***
Tallis managed to carry me for five hours before he even started to slow down. It was just as well, too, since I couldn’t decide which ached more—my back or my arms. That, and I felt more than sure that his hands were permanently imprinted into my thighs.
“Ah needs tae make water,” he announced as he set me down onto my feet in a small clearing. “We will stop haur an’ rest fer the night.”
“Dude, why don’t ya just say ya need to take a piss, like any normal person?” Bill asked as he shook his head and gave me a look. Seeking the nearest dead tree to collapse underneath, once Bill’s butt hit the dirt, he scrunched backwards until his head was at the base of the tree. Then he crossed his feet at the ankles, and said, “I’m gonna get me some shut-eye,” before closing his eyes. He began to wiggle back and forth against the rough ground, ostensibly to scratch his lower back.
Tallis glanced over at me and quickly said, “Besom, ready yer sword in case ye need it.” I nodded and removed my sword from its scabbard before looking back up at Tallis. He soon disappeared into the dark forest to “make water.” Succumbing to my exhaustion, I took a seat across from Bill, but kept my sword lying on the ground beside me, in case I needed it.
“Well, shit on a stick,” Bill said as he slapped his thigh. A huge smile appeared across his lips as he explained, “Ol’ Billy Angel’s finally got some service in this here neck o’ the frickin’ hate woods!” He motioned to the iPhone, which lay in his lap.
“I thought you were sleeping?” I replied.
“Yeah, me too … but the Sandman called in sick
before the Verizon man took over,” he answered with a broad grin. He held up his phone in case I didn’t understand what he meant by “Verizon man.”
I instantly recalled the phone Alaire gave me along with the bag of other goodies. While I was on Tallis’s back, I’d managed to wriggle the canvas bag onto my back, like a backpack. Thinking of it now, with Tallis gone, I decided to inspect the phone and the contents of the bag. I immediately disengaged the impromptu backpack from my shoulders and prayed that Tallis wouldn’t return anytime soon.
“And not only do I have service, but I also got Tinder service!” Bill announced as his smile widened. “Shit the fuck yeah!”
“You really intend to go on Tinder right now?” I asked him, shaking my head as I frowned. However, I wasn’t paying that much attention to Bill. Instead, I pulled the smartphone from its box and hit the power button, waiting not so patiently as it fired up.
“What the hell else can I do?” Bill whined as he shrugged. “This ain’t no resort town with a friggin’ golf course, ya know, or a swim-up bar.” That was putting it mildly. “So, to answer your question, yes, I plan to see if maybe there are any Tinderellas in or around Shitzville.”
“You think you can find available, interested women in the Dark Wood?” I asked incredulously. Sometimes, I wondered what universe Bill lived in.
“Dude, I got the service,” Bill countered, “might as well make the best of it.”
“I guess so,” I replied, paying more attention to the Samsung in my hands. “But don’t get disappointed if all you end up with is some hideous creature like the one Tallis just killed,” I warned him. The smartphone asked me to swipe the screen in order to unlock it.
“Yep, they’re on Tinder too,” Bill responded, without bothering to look up from his phone.
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