I call Mia while in the grocery store and we decide to meet for dinner. She asks me about Aiden over the phone and I cringe. There is no way I can tell her what happened over the phone without breaking into tears in the middle of the store. So instead of responding, I brush off her question and change the subject.
I’m not as lucky when I meet her for dinner. As much as I try to act normal and happy, as soon as she sees me, she knows there is something wrong.
“You look like you haven’t eaten or slept in days. What’s wrong?”
“Well, thank you very much dear friend. You look great too.” I try to sound offended, but the look on her face tells me she doesn’t buy any of my act.
“I’m serious, Aleah. I can tell something’s not right with you. What happened?”
Realizing there is no way I can avoid this conversation, I tell her everything. I force my mouth to repeat the words Aiden spoke that dreaded morning, and as I do my heart breaks all over again. Mia’s mouth drops open at those words, her faces flushing in anger.
“That bastard! He’s lucky I don’t know where he lives or I’d be at his house giving him a piece of my mind right now. How could he say that to you? And to his mom?”
“I don’t know, Mia. I’ve turned this around in my mind for days. I especially don’t understand it, after the night we shared together. The more I think about it, the more I realize there must have been a reason for it. It just doesn’t make sense. If he really was after what he told his mom, he would’ve taken advantage of my drunkenness the night before. Instead, he was a perfect gentleman… I just don’t get it.”
“It doesn’t matter. Don’t try to make up excuses for him or justify it. No matter what his reasoning may have been, he should have known how hurtful those words would be. The guy is a douchebag and you need to stay the hell away from him… I’m sorry that I pushed you towards him before. I didn’t think he was capable of being this much of a jerk.” She looks sad and apologetic.
“It’s fine. You didn’t know.”
“Yes, I didn’t. But you know what I do know for a fact?” she asks enthusiastically.
“What?”
“You’re gorgeous, kind-hearted, smart…and pretty wealthy these days. You don’t need to wallow over some stupid ass guy who doesn’t deserve one second of your time. School starts next week and this year, you’re not bugged down by your parents’ stupid rules. You’re going to date, have fun and experience the college life you didn’t get to experience before. We’re going to rock your senior year and it’s going to be awesome.”
As usual, Mia’s enthusiasm and positive energy rub off on me and I start feeling hopeful again. Maybe I will rock my last year of college, I start thinking.
Another sleepless night gives way to bright morning lights. Even though I’m starting to act and feel normal during the day, as soon as I lay back in bed at night, darkness envelops my being as troublesome thoughts attack my mind with a vengeance. The scene outside Aiden’s apartment that morning plays like a 3D movie behind my close lids and the excruciating pain I feel refuses to leave my body.
When I finally see slivers of morning sunrays sneaking their way into my bedroom window through the closed blinds, I happily leave the bed in the hopes that my troublesome thoughts stay behind.
I make my way to my bathroom and study my profile in the mirror for a few minutes. My skin looks pale and I have huge dark circles underneath my eyes. I look awful and feel even worse. I decide that I need to get the sluggishness out of my body. There is no better way to do that than to start the day with a morning jog. I look at the alarm clock to check the time and see that it’s barely seven in the morning. It’s too early for my normal exercise routine, but at least there won’t be a lot of people outside.
I quickly put on my sports bra and shorts and head down. Once I make it to my normal jogging path, I put my earphones in and get in the zone. A few minutes into my jog, I suddenly feel the hair in the back of my neck stand up and my stomach drops. I haven’t seen or heard anything yet, but I don’t need to. There is no need for me to turn around to see who is behind me. I can feel him in every cell in my body. It’s the unexplainable crackle of energy, the undeniable pull that I feel towards him anytime he’s near me. Nerves overtake my body as my pulse quickens and my palms start to sweat. Why can’t he just leave me alone, I think to myself?
Instead of turning around, I pick up my speed and push myself hard, hoping that he can’t catch up to me. My attempt at getting away is, of course, a futile one. I watch him catch up to me from the corner of my eye, and my pulse quickens. I refuse to turn my head around, pretending that I haven’t seen him as he continues jogging alongside me in full business attire. If I wasn’t so distraught, I may have found the scene funny, but nothing seems humorous at the moment.
After a few minutes of running next to me and failing to get my attention by waving his hands in my direction, Aiden finally picks up his speed and swerves in front of me to effectively block my way. I try to maneuver around without looking at him, but he quickly puts his hands up and tries to block me again. It’s only then that I reluctantly look at his face. I notice he’s trying to talk to me, but I have the volume so high on my music that I can’t hear anything he says. I point to my earphones to signal that I can’t hear and try to bypass him. That is when he grabs my wrist to hold me back. The action makes my already on the edge system to snap. I pull my earphones out of my ears in anger and yell at him.
“What the hell do you want from me, Aiden? Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
The look of painful shame that crosses his face takes me by surprise, and makes me stop yelling. He gently releases my hand and takes a step back.
“I’m sorry. I just had to see for myself how you were doing. I’m sorry if seeing me makes you upset... You have every right to be furious at me. I’ve just been worried sick about you since Saturday and wanted to see you.” He speaks in a low apologetic tone, avoiding my gaze.
He has a lost look in his eyes and huge dark circles that match my own underneath them. His normal cocky and confident attitude is replaced by a shameful nervousness that is completely uncharacteristic of him. The sad look in his eyes surprises me and pulls at my heartstrings.
I take a deep breath and try to will my heart to step meddling with my brain. I can’t fall for these tricks anymore. I tell myself that I just have to act tough and get this over with as fast as I can.
“I’m okay, Aiden. I’m not going to lie to you and say that what you said didn’t hurt me. It did. A lot. But I’m trying to move past it and go on with my life. And in order to do that I really need you to get out of my way.”
He stands firmly at his place. “I understand that you want to move on, but can you please, please give me five minutes so that I can explain what happened? If you don’t want to talk to me or see me ever again afterwards, I promise not to bother you. But please just give me a few minutes. I feel awful about what happened and I won’t be able to live myself if I don’t at least get to explain it to you. All I’m asking for is a few minutes.” He sounds desperate, but it’s not until I look into his eyes and see traces of moisture there that my heart flips and my resolve breaks.
Butterflies attack my stomach as I think over his request. The idea of giving him even one second of my time terrifies me, because I know how my heart reacts to him, especially when he is showing so much vulnerability. I open and close my mouth a few times, but no matter how much I try to form a negative response, the words won’t leave my tongue. Finally, resigned to fate and knowing that I will eventually agree to talk to him, I simply nod my head. His whole face lights up by my simple gesture.
He starts frantically looking around for a private place to talk. When he spots a small coffee shop across the street, a broad smile crosses his face. “Can we go to the café across the street? Can we sit down for a minute?” he asks cautiously.
I nod my head, and he leads the way. We find a small table out in the patio wh
ere nobody else is around and he pulls my chair out for me to sit down. His simple thoughtful gestures are already breaking my resolve and terrifying my heart. I’m so scared that I’ll fall for his charm and have my heart shattered again that even before he opens his mouth, my mind is made up about the end result of this conversation.
Aiden sits across from me and pulls his chair up-close until we are face to face. When he tries to look me in the eye though, he can’t hold his gaze steady. It’s as if he is too ashamed to look into my eyes. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, but nothing comes out at first. When he finally speaks, my heart flips.
“I…I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am about what I said. I wasn’t thinking clearly at that moment. I just opened my mouth and said the first thing that I thought would get my mom off of our case. It wasn’t until I saw the look on your face and thought about it later, that I realized how truly horrible my words were. I hope you know me enough by now to understand that I didn’t mean a word of what I said.”
“How do you I know that?” I jump in anger.
“How?” he asks in frustration. “Are you really asking me this question? Do you seriously think I was with you because I wanted to check some sick fantasy off of a list? I’ve spent almost every spare moment with you for the past month. There were many times during that period where I had to literally tear myself away from you before something happened. Every single time when I thought we’re heading to a direction where we might cross a line you may regret, I stopped us. And there were times…moments when I had no doubt you would let me go as far as I wanted to.”
My mouth drops open at his audacity. After everything that’s happened, now he’s telling me that I would have let him do anything he wants to me and he was the one stopping us?
Seeing the angry look on my face, he holds his hands up to stop me from jumping in. “Don’t try to deny that. You and I both know that it’s true. I stopped us because I respect you too much. Because I didn’t want to do something that might hurt you in the end. For once in my life, I tried not to be selfish. And now, after all of that, you are still saying you don’t know whether or not I just wanted to jump my grandpa’s wife? How could you think even for one second that I meant that?” He sounds hurt, and if I am honest with myself I have to admit there is an element of truth to what he’s saying. But I’m too hurt and suspicious of him to believe his words.
“I don’t know, Aiden.” I say in exasperation. “You’ve been sending me mixed signals ever since we met. I don’t know what you want anymore. And frankly men in general don’t have a good track record in my book at the moment. I just don’t know what to believe anymore.”
He takes a deep breath to calm himself. “You’re right. I have been sending mixed messages. But that’s because I’m confused as hell by everything. I’ve never felt this strong pull that I have towards you with any other woman and I have never ever been so conflicted about my feelings. I know what I want, but I have a strong urge to protect you against anything and anyone that may hurt you and that includes me. That’s why I tried to stay away from you. And that’s why when you say you thought I meant what I said, it rips my heart out, knowing that you think so lowly of me.”
“Aiden-what the hell I am supposed to believe when you come out and say that to your mom in front of me? While we’re holding hands and I’m still wearing your t-shirt from the night before. What I am supposed to think?” I start yelling in frustration.
“I just…I just thought that we’ve become close enough, that we know each other enough that you would understand why I said that. That’s the only reason I said it... Look! My mom showed up the way she did and I panicked. Did you see the look of vengeance in her eyes when she talked to you? My mom is mentally unstable. She’s on medication and is doing okay right now, but for a split second I panicked for you. I got scared that she’s going to come after you, if she finds out what you mean to me. For that split second, all I was thinking about was what would make my mom believe that the scene she’s seeing is not real… I’m not the type of guy to have girls spend the night over and walk hand in hands with the next day. I’ve told you about my dating life. It’s mainly consisted of one night stands. My mom has probably only seen me hold hands with one or two other girls in my entire life and that was a long time ago. I saw the look in her eyes and I knew she could tell what this meant to me… That freaked me out. My family has already hurt you enough. The thought of them coming after you again terrified me… I thought I had to say something vile and disrespectful enough that it would make her believe I don’t care about you. At the moment, that was the only way I could think of to get her to leave you alone. The only reason I hurt you so bad is because I care so much about you that the idea of anyone coming after you terrifies me.”
He takes a ragged breath, before continuing. “Yet, I did something that hurt you much worse than they ever could. I’m such an idiot.” He runs his hands through his hair and shakes his head quickly as if to shake an image out of his mind.
“Fuck... I’m so sorry. I knew I should have kept my hands off of you. This is exactly why I didn’t want to touch you. Because I had a feeling I will inevitably do something to hurt you and I couldn’t stomach the idea. I tried. God knows I tried, but I couldn’t stay away from you… Please forgive me, Aleah. Please. I can’t live with myself knowing that you hate me so much.”
I look into his deeply troubled emerald eyes and can’t help the flow of tears that start running down my cheeks. My heart wants to believe him. It wants me to throw caution to the wind, wrap my arms around him, and tell him that all is forgiven and forgotten. But my brain, the place where logic resides, is staunchly against the idea. My brain remembers the pain of betrayal all too well, and it is the force of reason in the battle with my heart. I open my mouth and let my brain speak.
“I get what you’re saying, Aiden. I now understand why you may have said those things. I may even forgive you, but I won’t forget the way I felt when I heard you say those words. Those scars are just too deep to heal anytime soon.”
The flash of pain I see in his face at my words intensifies my own ache. I release a deep shaky breath and try not to choke on my words. “You’re right. We should have never let things happen between us. Our whole situation was a ticking time bomb to begin with. I was married to your grandpa, Aiden. There is a reason that conversation with your mom stung so bad. It’s because there is an element of truth to it…”
“What are you talking about?” he quickly interrupts.
I raise my hands to try to silence him. “Wait, hear me out. The fact that your mom could wonder about that and ask you that question, and the fact that you responded with what you did, point to the underlying problem. Everyone in your family will always think of me as the young gold-digger chick who married your grandpa. Every single person in your family hates me, Aiden. That is not going to change. And they’d never let you or I forget that I was married to David. Even if that issue doesn’t come between us, it will always be a barrier between me and your family... What are you going to say next time one of your family members spots us together? There’s no winning in this situation. Someone will inevitably get hurt. It’s better that we stop that train wreck early on before either one of us gets in too deep.”
He releases a deep sigh and his eyes speak to the pain he is feeling. “As difficult as it is for me to admit that, I think you are right,” he responds solemnly. “I’ve been thinking about that too and coming to the same conclusion. We should have just stayed friends… We should just stay friends.” He quickly corrects himself. “I agree with what you’re saying, Aleah. No matter how much I feel drawn to you, I know that our situation is just too complicated right now to make a relationship work, but I still do want your friendship. Please let’s just go back to the way things were before last Friday. I want…no, not just want, I need you in my life right now. Even though we’ve only been friends for about a month, the bonds of friendship I have with you are str
onger than any other friendship I’ve ever experienced. I can’t imagine not having you in my life… I miss you, Aleah… These past few days…they’ve have been a living hell for me. I want to keep you in my life… Please tell me we can stay friends.”
I take a deep shaky breath and look into his pleading emerald eyes. For the life of me, I can’t say no to this man. As much as I know the right response, the wise response is to say that we need to go our separate ways, I can’t deny his earnest request. So, I go against my brain, and nod my head in response.
He releases a deep sigh of relief and his whole face lights up. “Whew! Thank you. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders… I promise, I’ll make it up to you... Let me start by buying you coffee.”
“No coffee for me yet,” I jump up quickly. “You forget that I was in the middle of jogging when I was rudely interrupted by this annoyingly persistent guy.” I try to joke to lighten the mood.
“I hope this annoying guy is at least handsome,” he says with a smirk.
Warning signs immediately go up in my mind at his casual flirty behavior. I’m not ready to start flirting with him. This is not a good idea anyway, if we are going to remain solely friends. Noticing the serious look on my face, Aiden quickly changes the subject.
“Well, I’m sorry this guy was rude to you. Do you think he can make it up to you by taking you to dinner tonight?” he asks politely.
“I can’t. I’m supposed to see my friend Mia for dinner tonight.” I lie.
He looks disappointed for a second, but then smiles again.
“Can I call you after your dinner then? I miss talking to you.”
I can’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell him no, so I simply nod my head.
THREE
ALEAH
Aiden calls me late at night and I try to stay polite but distant. I have already decided that I am not going to let my heart get too attached to him. I can’t risk losing that battle with my heart anymore, and the only way to avoid the fight is to remain distant.
Redeeming Love (Resilient Hearts #2) Page 2