‘Oh, my God, babe, I’m so sorry.’ Charlie put his face in his hands.
‘What’s happened?’ Flora asked, scanning her parents’ faces. She had an uncanny ability to detect drama.
‘Don’t worry!’ Tasha said breezily, smiling. She didn’t want the children to think that he had messed up.
‘It’s our anniversary,’ said Charlie. ‘We got married eleven years ago today.’
‘Twelve actually,’ Tasha said. Insult added to injury.
‘Of course, of course, I meant twelve,’ Charlie backtracked. ‘I forgot to get Mummy a present and I feel awful!’
‘Da-ad,’ chorused Bella, Max and Flora. ‘Poor mum!’
‘It really doesn’t matter,’ she repeated. But it really did. Another opportunity missed, another disappointment.
‘Open it!’ Bella instructed.
‘Can I help you?’ Max asked. He loved opening presents. It didn’t matter if they weren’t for him.
Together they tore open the wrapping paper and Charlie exclaimed in delight at the gifts inside. He tried the jacket on and it fitted perfectly. ‘Oh, wow, Tash. These are amazing! And from my favourite shop. You are so thoughtful!’
‘Twelve years is silk and linen.’
‘Really? Well, this couldn’t be more perfect. I feel even worse that I forgot. I’m so sorry. How can I make it up to you?’
‘I take it you haven’t arranged a babysitter for tonight? Seeing as you forgot? No anniversary dinner?’ Tasha twisted the knife. She wanted to make him feel bad.
Charlie looked even more guilty. ‘Let me do a ring-around. I’ll sort something out. I promise.’
*
Charlie managed to find a local au pair called Nina to come and look after the children. She was a sweet Danish girl whom they had often used in the past. He took Tasha to a restaurant called Cube in Notting Hill. To his obvious relief he had been able to get a table at late notice.
‘This place looks all right, doesn’t it?’ Charlie said as they were shown to their table. The restaurant was dimly lit and full of trendy tattooed hipsters.
‘It does,’ Tasha said. She still hadn’t forgiven him and was determined to make that fact clear.
‘Right,’ said Charlie. ‘Let’s have a cocktail to start. What do you fancy?’
Tasha glanced over the bar menu. ‘I’ll have a White Lady, please,’ she said as Charlie placed their order with a passing waitress.
They made what felt like awkward small talk while they waited for their drinks. Tasha knew she wasn’t making it easy for him. She was hardly encouraging the conversation to flow.
‘To twelve years of marriage,’ Charlie said, chinking his glass against Tasha’s when their cocktails finally arrived.
‘To twelve years,’ Tasha repeated, unable to stop the tears that welled up in her eyes.
Charlie looked mortified. He was clearly desperate for her to forgive his thoughtlessness. Taking her hands in his, he said, ‘Look, Tash, I’m so sorry I forgot. I feel really, really bad.’
Tasha nodded, swallowing and blinking back the tears. In her heart of hearts, she knew that what he said was true. She was sure he felt as awful as he said he did. But she also knew that she needed to confront the issues in their relationship. Like a pressure cooker, she felt she was going to explode if she didn’t. And this cock-up of Charlie’s had given her the perfect opportunity to vent some of the tension that was building inside her, threatening to spill out at any moment. Right now, she was in the right, and he was in the wrong. If she was honest with herself she had to admit she quite enjoyed the feeling of having the moral upper hand.
Tasha sipped her cocktail in silence, keeping her eyes fixed on the bowl of nuts in front of her. After several minutes, she lifted her gaze and looked Charlie in the eye.
‘It’s not good enough,’ she said.
‘I know.’
‘You have to start making more effort, Charlie.’
‘I know…’
‘It’s such a cliché, for God’s sake, forgetting our anniversary… What next?’
‘Look, Tash, I promise it won’t happen again. Work has been so busy…’
‘Charlie, I’ve got a million things to remember too. You can’t use being busy as an excuse. I single-handedly run our home and keep our three children alive. I am in charge of nearly everything. The one thing you are in charge of, you haven’t bloody done…’
Charlie looked blank.
‘The car? The air conditioning?’ she prompted.
‘I do the finances, pay the bills…’
‘On direct debit…’
‘Look. I know it’s a shit excuse. And I promise you, it was a one off. Now, please, can you just accept my apology so we can enjoy the rest of the evening?’
There was still so much that Tasha wanted to talk to him about but she just wasn’t sure she wanted to get into a full-blown couple’s therapy session in the middle of a quiet restaurant. And the waiter was hovering nearby, clearly ready to take their order. She looked at Charlie and at the pleading look in his eyes.
‘OK,’ she said. ‘Your apology is accepted.’
Relief flickered across his face. ‘Thank you,’ he said, pulling himself up to lean across the table and kiss her. ‘And I really am sorry.’
They scanned the menus and placed their order, choosing a nice bottle of wine to go with their meal. Charlie had chosen well: the food was delicious. Each course was beautifully presented on pieces of grey slate. Putting their issues to one side, it felt good to be out together, having a few drinks. They both knew that they needed to carve out more time for evenings like this. Opportunities to go out, just the two of them, were few and far between. It had been years since they had been away for a weekend without the children, even longer since they had been on a holiday by themselves.
After dinner they got a taxi back home and made love, as they always did on their anniversary. But as Charlie held her in his arms, unwelcome thoughts of Javier invaded Tasha’s mind. To her horror, try as she might to block them out and think of Charlie, they kept flickering back into her imagination. Soon she managed to lose herself in the moment, forgetting anything but the sensations within her. But afterwards, as Charlie kissed her goodnight and told her that he loved her, Tasha felt a crushing sense of disquiet settle over her. What the hell had that been about? Charlie rolled over onto his side of the bed, mercifully oblivious to her deceitful mind as he began to snore quietly. Tasha stared blankly at the wall. A tear trickled down her cheek and onto the pillow.
Chapter Nine
Tasha couldn’t shake the feeling of apathy that settled over her as she ploughed through the following few weeks, drowning in the never-ending cycle of the school run, shopping, cooking, cleaning, tidying and generally juggling the numerous tasks that kept the household ticking along. She felt as though she had taken a step back from everything, as if she were watching her life from the outside. She felt despondent and depressed, as though she were at the beginning of a very long tunnel, the light at the end visible but impossibly far to reach.
Flora, Bella and Max were her biggest energy drain and yet her best distraction. When she was with them she veered from crazy adoration to tearing her hair out with frustration, teetering on the edge of tears when fractious moods and short tempers seemed to rule the roost. Luckily, Flora had done well in her recent maths assessment and was over the moon about it. She was being much more pleasant as a result. It was lovely to see her regained confidence and she seemed her age once again – for a while, Tasha had been convinced that she was suffering from the angst one would expect from a teenager, not a ten-year-old. When they weren’t bickering as only siblings could, Max and Bella spent hours playing. When Tasha overheard their role play and the imaginary worlds they created for themselves, she marvelled at the pure innocence of childhood. It was moments like these when she truly loved being a mother. Yet while she knew she wouldn’t swap life with her children for a childfree, albeit carefree, existence, she
just couldn’t shake the claustrophobia that had set in.
‘Don’t you ever feel trapped?’ she asked her sister-in-law Becca on the phone as she frantically browsed the aisles of Debenhams looking for a present for their mother-in-law, whose birthday she had completely forgotten. She was hoping to rush to the post office before it shut. If she paid for special delivery it might get there in time for the big day. Stuck for ideas, she had phoned Becca for inspiration.
‘Trapped?’ Becca asked.
‘Yes. By your life.’
‘Well, I suppose…’
‘You don’t, do you? You are such a trooper. And with Andrew away so much… I know I shouldn’t complain, really. I mean, in comparison with you, what the hell have I got to complain about?’ Tasha picked up some rose bath soap and sniffed it, dropping it into the blue string bag.
‘We are all entitled to have a good moan,’ Becca said. ‘It’s only natural.’
‘Mmmm, and yet I never hear you complaining… I bet you all just love having Andrew back home.’ He had returned from his recent deployment a couple of days after Max’s birthday.
‘It is wonderful. And it certainly makes life a lot easier having two pairs of hands, I must admit.’
‘And you can stop worrying about him for once.’
‘Exactly.’
‘How about lavender bath oil? Caroline loves that, doesn’t she?’
‘Loves it,’ Becca agreed. Tasha threw it on top of the rose soap. ‘Have you spoken to Charlie about all this?’
‘I tried to a few weeks ago when we were at my parents. It didn’t exactly go well. We ended up having an argument.’
‘Oh dear.’
‘I know. Then he forgot our anniversary, which didn’t help matters.’
‘Oh, Charlie! How useless.’
‘We had a bit of a chat after that too.’
‘Did he make up for it?’
‘He took me out for a nice meal.’
‘That’s good. Look, Tash, it’s probably just a phase. Now the summer is here I’m sure you will start to feel much better. Everything seems all right when the sun is out.’
‘True. It usually does wonders for my mood,’ Tasha agreed, though she had a sneaking suspicion a little sun wasn’t going to do much to lift her spirits. ‘Do you think she’d like a floral nightie?’ Tasha asked. She was now in the lingerie department. ‘Size 12?’
‘Sounds good. Are you and Charlie still on for lunch next weekend?’
‘Absolutely. The children are so excited already. I hope the weather’s nice. They’re dying to get in your swimming pool.’ Becca had inherited a large sum of money when her father had passed away, which they had used to buy their dream home in Surrey, making the decision to be close to her mum so that she could get help during Andrew’s long stints away.
‘Fingers crossed the weather will be good.’
‘I doubt it’ll be warm enough for me!’ Tasha laughed. ‘Let me know if I can bring anything,’ she said as she ended the call. She took her purchases to the till, picking up some tights for Bella and Flora on the way.
*
As she stood in the interminably long queue at the post office, ready to send the hastily-wrapped parcel to Caroline, she pulled out her phone and replied to a text she’d received earlier from Rosie. They were making a plan for dinner the following evening.
She thought about her conversation with Becca, and her chat with Javier the other day. Once again she contemplated making a return to work. Maybe it was time. The thought of having something that was just hers and hers alone once more was so appealing. She knew she would miss the children, but they were all at school now, they didn’t need her as much as they once had. If she did go back to work she knew she needed to decide once and for all whether it would be to medicine or something new. She loaded Safari on her iPhone and looked at the website for the Royal College of General Practitioners, reading through the advice for GPs returning to work after a break. The same questions sprang to mind. Would she still be good at it? Was it easier not to disrupt the status quo? What if she did all that training only to find that she still wasn’t happy as a GP? What if the reasons she had had for leaving still applied? She put her phone back in her bag and stared vacantly at the counters, watching the customers come and go as she made her slow progress towards the front of the queue.
Her thoughts returned to her relationship with Charlie. Things weren’t quite right between them. There was no denying it. Her fantasising about Javier the last time they had made love showed how disengaged she was from him. Even her subconscious was yearning for change. The fact that he had forgotten their anniversary almost felt like the final nail in the coffin. He clearly wasn’t prioritising their relationship enough. She had wanted to confide properly in Becca, to air all her doubts and insecurities, but felt compromised in case she told Andrew and it got back to Charlie. She was as close to her sister-in-law as she was to her real sisters, but she knew she would be better off seeking advice from Rosie or Flo.
*
‘I’m worried he’s almost given up on us,’ Tasha said the next evening as she sipped a large glass of red wine. Rosie was treating her to dinner out at a new sushi place in Mayfair. Tasha had booked Nina again to babysit, unwilling to rely on Charlie and sticking to her resolution to make more plans for herself.
‘How so?’ asked Rosie as she picked up a sliver of sashimi with her chopsticks.
‘It’s as if he has decided that I am such a dead cert he doesn’t need to make any effort with me any more.’
‘After so many years, I can see how that can happen.’
‘So can I. That’s what worries me. The number of couples you hear of getting divorced…’
‘Have you talked to him?’ Rosie asked.
‘No, not really. The last time I tried, it just turned into an argument.’
‘Well, perhaps you should try again? Communication is the key to a happy relationship after all. Charlie probably has absolutely no idea that you are feeling like this, bless him. You owe it to him and to your marriage to explain exactly how you feel.’
Tasha nodded. She took a deep breath and let out a long sigh. ‘You’re right. It just all feels so depressing. I long for the days when it was all fresh and exciting. When we didn’t have to work at things all the time. Even the word “work” seems wrong – why should it be such hard work?’
‘Hey, you’re the one who has always loved the idea of being in a long-term relationship! I’m the one who has been happy to be on my own!’ Rosie laughed. ‘Are the tables turning at long last, I wonder?’
‘Why do you say that?’ Tasha asked. ‘Are you reconsidering your position?’
‘Well, there is something about this new features editor, Josh. I think I’m slightly obsessed with him!’
‘Oh, yes, Josh!’ Tasha clapped her hands together with glee. ‘Have you managed to go on a date with him yet?’
‘No! Nothing seems to be working. I’ve tried all my usual tactics but he just politely turns me down every time I suggest something.’
‘Are you sure he is straight?’
‘Absolutely. He’s clearly just not interested in me.’
‘That’s impossible. Straight and single, there’s no way he’s not interested. That can’t be it.’
‘It certainly could be!’ Rosie laughed. ‘Anyway, I’m running out of ideas…’
‘Maybe you should just ask him out, no beating around the bush, like in the good old days?’
‘Maybe you’re right. I suppose that’s one way to find out once and for all!’
*
Later, as Tasha walked home from the Tube, she noticed that the lights were on across the road. Javier must be home. Letting herself into the house, she thanked Nina for babysitting and paid her. Charlie hadn’t got home yet; he was out with Andrew, catching up after all those months apart. Tasha knew how much Charlie missed his older brother when he was away, and how much he worried about his safety. It was a weight off every
one’s shoulders now that Andrew was back in the UK.
Tasha climbed the stairs and went to check on the children, kissing each one softly on the forehead, being careful not to wake them. She went into her room. She felt slightly tipsy from the wine she had drunk. As she shut the curtains she looked across the street into Javier’s house, suddenly curious to see what he was doing. He was in the sitting room, drinking beer and watching TV as he ate at the little table towards the back of the room. The lower half of the window was covered in shutters, obstructing her view of the rest of the room, but from this angle she could see him clearly. She envied him his bachelor lifestyle. From what she could see his house was tidy and completely clutter-free. The polar opposite of her own home. As she got ready for bed she found herself thinking about Javier once again, about him complimenting her, his attentiveness and genuine interest in her company. She wondered what his story was, whether he had a girlfriend. She had seen women come and go, but no one seemed to stick around for long. She wondered why he chose to be alone.
Chapter Ten
Andrew came out of the house as they pulled into the drive, closely followed by his look-alike daughter, Daisy. ‘Welcome!’ he called as they clambered out of the car. ‘It’s so lovely to see you all,’ he said, giving Tasha a big bear hug.
‘It’s so good to have you home!’ Tasha said as the children burst into a torrent of noisy chatter, desperate to go and see the swimming pool as soon as possible.
‘Charlie!’ Andrew gave his brother a playful shove. ‘How was the head on Thursday?’
‘Pretty dire, thanks to you.’ Charlie laughed. ‘I’m afraid I just can’t keep the pace!’ Andrew was tall, broad and built of solid muscle; he could drink his brother under the table. He needed to maintain peak physical fitness at all times for his job – the difference in muscular definition between the two brothers had become a bit of a running joke, particularly in the six-pack department.
The Distance Between Us Page 5