The Distance Between Us

by Georgie Capron

  Trying to act normally, she said, ‘Ha! Well, thank you. I’m touched!’ She got up from the sofa, threw her arms around him and kissed him on the lips. She felt extremely self-conscious and was almost certain he would notice that she was acting strangely. ‘I’d better put these in water,’ she said, walking into the kitchen.

  Charlie followed her through. ‘What’s for dinner?’ he asked.

  ‘Fish pie.’

  ‘Delicious!’

  ‘I hope so,’ Tasha said. ‘Are you going to shower first or do you want to eat now? It’s ready when you are…’

  ‘I’ll jump in the shower first, I think. It’s so clammy out there. That storm last night was unbelievable! Even the Tube station had flooded.’

  ‘I know, it’s very muggy, isn’t it?’ Tasha’s mind flashed back to the similar conversation she had had with Javier that morning, and where it had led. While Charlie went upstairs to have a shower Tasha sat on one of the chairs at the kitchen table, staring at the vase of flowers. A vivid flashback of Javier kissing her stomach flickered unbidden into her mind. She felt a strong pang of lust at the memory and was furious at herself for indulging her salacious thoughts. How could she sit here feeling guilty and ashamed only to have flashbacks at the same time? She wished she could eradicate the whole episode from her mind but the truth was the sex had been incredible; she would have a hard job ever forgetting it. To distract herself she tried to think of the last time Charlie had bought her flowers. It must have been years ago. Why was she such a horrible person? She had been furious with him for not being grateful, for not appreciating her efforts, but he had clearly been noticing all along, he had just needed a bit more time to show her.

  Tasha set the table and played some music through the speakers. She even lit a candle. She needed to make every effort with Charlie that she could, in an attempt to make amends. As Charlie thudded down the stairs fresh from the shower there was a knock at the door. Tasha’s heart jumped into her throat as she heard him open it. Male voices echoed down the hallway. She strained to hear who it was, she was sure she could hear Javier’s voice. She steadied herself on the island.

  ‘That was Javier,’ Charlie said, coming into the kitchen. Her heart skipped a beat. ‘He said you told him about Ella and he’s looked up a contact that he has remembered who works in a hospital in Port-au-Prince. He’s written the number down for you with his below.’

  ‘Oh, great!’ Tasha said, turning away from him in an attempt to conceal the crimson flush she could feel rising up her neck and onto her face.

  ‘What a nice guy!’ Charlie said, reaching into the fridge and pulling out a chilled beer. ‘Isn’t that kind?’ He flicked the cap off with a bottle opener and took a swig.

  ‘Very,’ Tasha said, trying to keep her voice normal.

  ‘What’s the latest with Ella? Have there been any updates?’

  ‘Mum messaged us earlier. Apparently there have been further improvements and she is starting to feel a lot better, thank goodness.’

  ‘Excellent news!’

  ‘I’m going to try and call her tomorrow.’

  ‘Is she planning on continuing with her trip?’

  ‘Apparently. I’m not surprised. She’s been looking forward to it for so long I can’t see a setback like this stopping her. And so long as she is given a clean bill of health by the doctors it should be fine.’ Tasha could feel herself talking too fast.

  ‘Poor old Ella.’

  ‘I know. It’s been a terrible week but hopefully the worst is over.’

  ‘Let’s hope so. And at least you have this doctor’s contact details if anything else happens.’

  ‘Exactly,’ Tasha said. She went about serving up the fish pie on autopilot. Her pulse was racing at the thought of Javier and Charlie talking at the door. How could Javier have been so brazen to come over like that? To look her husband in the eye mere hours after sleeping with her… She suddenly worried that she was trusting him to keep quiet when she barely even knew him. She could hardly vouch for him keeping his word, yet she had entrusted him with the future of her marriage. She looked at the Post-it Charlie had stuck on the fridge, held in place with a heart magnet Max had given her for Mother’s Day. How ironic. She wondered whether she should get in touch with Javier to reiterate the importance of his silence. Or maybe she should wait ‘till she next ran into him…? She suddenly realised Charlie was talking to her, but she’d been too lost in her thoughts to hear.

  ‘Sorry, what did you say?’

  ‘I found out today that we won the new business. The clients from the weekend…?’

  ‘That’s brilliant!’ Tasha smiled enthusiastically. ‘So it was worth it in the end,’ she said as she put two steaming plates of fish pie and broccoli in front of them.

  ‘Absolutely. And thank you. This looks delicious!’

  ‘You haven’t tasted it yet.’ Tasha laughed.

  Charlie devoured his plate quickly, his blue eyes sparkling as he talked animatedly about work. She loved seeing him in such high spirits and realised just how stressed his job could make him when it wasn’t going well. The sick feeling in her stomach was growing more and more intense. If only she could wind back the clock to this morning. It seemed impossible sitting here with her husband that she could have even contemplated doing such a thing. She had never kept a secret like this from Charlie before. It felt so wrong, so deceitful. A moment’s madness and she would be paying the price in guilt forever. The fact that he was so totally oblivious made it all the worse. As she listened to him she prayed that he would never find out what she had done.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Tasha lay on her Pilates mat seeking refuge from her rampaging thoughts. She had been tormenting herself all week, running through what had happened with Javier over and over again, chastising herself repeatedly for having broken her marriage vows so carelessly. Listening to the teacher’s instructions, she tried her best to stay in the moment, concentrating on each position, pulling her attention back to the present when her mind wandered. She desperately needed a break from her thoughts but there seemed to be no escaping them.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Flo asked, taking a bite of her chorizo omelette as they sat having lunch after the class. ‘You look a bit peaky.’

  ‘Yeah, I’m all right. I’ve just been feeling a bit under the weather this week.’

  Flo was peering at her suspiciously. Clearly, she could tell there was something amiss. ‘Are the kids behaving themselves?’

  ‘The usual. Flora is still ten going on fifteen. Though actually Max has shown signs of improvement recently, thank God.’

  Flo nodded. She didn’t pursue her line of questioning, for which Tasha was grateful. ‘I can’t actually believe it’s the last day of school tomorrow. Jake made a chart weeks ago with the number of sleeps to go. Each morning as they cross off another day my anxiety levels increase.’

  ‘I know what you mean. The kids are beside themselves with excitement but the thought of it is killing me. It’s enough to make me want to sack it all in and get a job.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘That bad, hey?’

  ‘Actually, I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. Not necessarily as a GP either. Maybe something new… working for a charity, doing something useful…’

  ‘What would you do for childcare?’

  ‘I’d have to find a wrap-around nanny or something.’

  ‘Have you started looking?’

  ‘Not really. I don’t know where to begin!’

  ‘You could sign up with a temping agency. They would do the hard work for you and you could try a few different things to see what might work.’

  ‘That’s actually a really good idea.’

  ‘What does Charlie say? Is he supportive?’

  Tasha thought back to their recent conversation. ‘Yes, he was when I broached the subject. Do you know, I think it’d be good for me – it would get me out of the house, make me feel like I’ve
got more to talk about than just my children…’ Stop me from making hideous mistakes like shagging the neighbour…

  ‘I think it’s a great idea,’ Flo announced.

  ‘What about you? Would you ever consider going back to work?’

  ‘As much as I complain, I do kind of like being a stay-at-home mum.’

  ‘That’s all right, then. I have done up until now… but something feels like it’s missing for me at the moment and I think having a job might just fill the gap.’

  ‘Well, I’ll watch this space with interest. Though you better not work Thursdays. Who will come to Pilates with me? And more importantly, who will come for lunch afterwards?’

  ‘Don’t worry. I won’t be abandoning you anytime soon.’ Tasha laughed.

  ‘You had better not!’

  *

  A few hours later the doorbell rang. Tasha’s heart jumped into her throat and a flush of adrenaline rushed through her veins as it had done every time the bell had rung since Monday. She had scurried in and out of the house as quickly as possible without raising her gaze just in case Javier was around. So far, she hadn’t seen him since their passionate encounter but his number was still stuck to the fridge and every time she saw it, it burnt a hole in her conscience. She pounded down the stairs and opened the door. It was Nina, arriving to babysit.

  ‘Hi, Nina, thank you so much for coming!’ Tasha gushed as she realised with relief that it wasn’t Javier.

  ‘No problem,’ Nina said cheerfully, slinging her rucksack down at the foot of the staircase.

  Max was in the sitting room watching Paw Patrol. ‘Right, Max, it’s bath time,’ Tasha called. ‘You’ve had your reward time, now turn it off, please.’

  ‘But, Mu-um, I’m watching something,’ Max moaned.

  ‘I know but you can press record and finish it tomorrow. It’s time for your bath and Nina is here to help you get ready for bed.’

  ‘I don’t want a stupid bath!’ Max folded his arms and stamped his foot. Tasha bit her tongue, trying to remain calm and not push him over the edge into a tantrum. She came over and wrestled the remote out of his tightly clenched hands, turning off the television and placing the remote on the top shelf out of reach.

  ‘Come on, Max,’ Nina said. ‘I’ll read you Aliens Love Underpants if you are good.’

  Tasha tried not to mind that Max capitulated immediately to the young Danish girl – why was it that the children listened to a virtual stranger more than to her? She supervised bath time, much quicker without Bella, who was at a sleepover, then got herself ready for dinner while Nina read to Max. She called down to Flora to come and get in the bath water.

  ‘Coming!’ Flora yelled up the stairs.

  ‘Thanks so much, Nina,’ she said. ‘Make sure Flora doesn’t stay up too late reading, won’t you?’

  Nina nodded. ‘Where are you off to?’ she asked. ‘Somewhere nice?’

  ‘We’re going out for dinner in Kensington.’ Becca and Andrew were up in London for the night and the four of them were going out for a meal to celebrate Andrew’s birthday.

  Tasha looked in the mirror one last time to check her make-up. She had ringed her dark blue eyes with liner in a similar hue to her irises, dabbing concealer under her eyes to cover the signs of her disturbed sleep the past few nights. She was nervous that Becca might notice something was up.

  ‘Right. I’m off!’ she said, ‘Night, darlings. Behave yourselves!’ She smiled at Nina. ‘I hope they’re good. My phone will be on so just give me a call if there are any problems.’

  As she stepped out of the front door she risked a quick glance across the road. The lights were on in Javier’s house; he must be home. Her heart pounded in her chest at the thought. She quickened her pace and walked as fast as she could down the road towards the Tube. She knew she would have to see him sooner or later but she didn’t feel strong enough quite yet.

  They were meeting at a restaurant called Scott’s, one of Andrew’s favourite places. He had declined a big celebration this year having thrown a full-blown fortieth bash the year before.

  ‘Sorry I’m late!’ Tasha was the last to arrive. ‘Happy Birthday, Andrew!’ she said as she kissed him, then Becca and finally Charlie.

  ‘Champagne?’ Charlie asked, pouring her a glass without waiting for her response.

  ‘How are our gorgeous nephew and nieces?’ Becca asked, looking glamorous in a black sequined top.

  ‘Our amazing babysitter seems to have them under control – though she only has Max and Flora, which helps. Bella is at her friend’s house. Who has got Daisy and Ferg?’

  ‘My mum,’ Becca said.

  ‘Luckily Granny loves babysitting,’ said Andrew. ‘I don’t know why we don’t take her up on her offers more regularly. She’s so close by…’

  ‘To freedom from the wee bairns.’ Charlie laughed and held up his glass. ‘Happy birthday, bro!’ They toasted Andrew, polishing off the bottle of champagne in record speed, clearly all determined to make the most of their night of freedom.

  As they ate Tasha couldn’t stop looking at Charlie. Her actions on Monday had had the most transformative effect on the way she saw him. All of a sudden, she realised just how much she had been focussing on the negative with him, ignoring his humour, his kindness and his good looks. She was hit with the full force of what a catch she had and she berated herself all the more for her stupidity. She tried to keep her mind in the present and concentrate on the conversation but she kept losing herself in her thoughts.

  She zoned back in to hear Charlie talking about Max. ‘We thought we had parenting nailed – first Flora and then Bella, these lovely, quiet, angelic little children…’

  ‘Until Flora developed her mood swings, you mean,’ Tasha added.

  ‘True!’ Charlie agreed. ‘But then Max came along and proved us completely wrong!’

  ‘Bless him!’ Becca laughed. ‘He is a little monkey.’

  ‘I seem to remember you being rather similar as a child, Charlie. It’s hardly a mystery where he got that cheekiness from.’

  ‘He was actually pretty good last weekend, considering what happened to the poor thing,’ Tasha said.

  ‘After the lunch?’ Becca asked.

  ‘Yup! The hottest day of the year… On the way home Bella vomited all over herself and Max in the car!’ Tasha winced at the memory.

  ‘Did she?’ Charlie asked, aghast. ‘You never told me!’

  ‘Oh, God, how disgusting! I can’t think of anything worse!’ shrieked Becca. ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I pulled over as soon as I could and whipped them into the nearest toilet. They were both covered in sick and only in their pants.’

  ‘Why no clothes?’ asked Charlie.

  ‘The children were all playing in the sprinklers,’ Becca explained.

  Tasha continued. ‘The worst bit was the rest of the journey back into London in a car smelling of sick, and to top it all off the air-conditioning was broken too. Max was surprisingly good considering.’

  ‘Oh, my goodness, you poor thing!’ Becca said.

  ‘That sounds pretty revolting,’ Andrew agreed.

  ‘I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!’ Charlie laughed. ‘I mean, I’m sure it wasn’t funny at the time…but-’

  ‘I suppose I can begin to see the funny side now – not so much when I was scrubbing sick from the car after being stuck in it for a total of six hours!’

  ‘Awful!’ Becca agreed. She paused. ‘You know Andrew and I have been talking about trying for number three recently…’

  ‘Really?’ Tasha gasped. ‘How exciting!’

  ‘Maybe when I get back from my next tour,’ Andrew said. ‘Obviously it does help if I’m in the country!’

  ‘That’s amazing news,’ Charlie said.

  ‘I guess the leap from two to three isn’t as big as three to four?’ Andrew asked. ‘At least you can still fit them in a normal car…’

  ‘It’s not too bad,’ Tasha assured them. ‘There’s
definitely a lot more juggling required, and a lot more laundry, but overall I’d say it’s definitely worth it.’

  ‘I certainly can’t imagine life without Max,’ Charlie said. He reached under the table and squeezed Tasha on the knee.

  ‘Me neither,’ she said. Her heart swelled with emotion and she felt her eyes brim with tears as she considered once again how selfish she had been to jeopardise the happiness of the family she loved more than life itself.

  ‘I guess we’ll see!’ Becca smiled.

  ‘Well, fingers crossed!’ Charlie said.

  ‘I’d love to have another baby around,’ Tasha added. ‘I was just thinking the other day how much I miss having a newborn. They are so unbelievably sweet and cuddly.’

  ‘They make me so broody,’ Becca agreed.

  After dessert and coffees, they ordered taxis to take them home. On the way back, Tasha’s thoughts turned to Andrew and his work in the SAS. It always amazed her how they never discussed it, as close as the four of them were.

  ‘Do you think Andrew really has been in Northern Iraq training the Kurds?’ she asked.

  ‘Probably not.’

  ‘Would you ever talk about it? You are his brother, after all.’

  ‘No. He’s very strict about it,’ Charlie said. ‘It’s just not the done thing.’

  ‘Do you think Becca knows what he actually does when he is away?’

  ‘Not necessarily. He isn’t meant to tell her much and many people don’t tell their other halves more than the bare essentials.’

  ‘It’s terrifying when you see them so happy together to think how he is risking it all, isn’t it?’ She realised how ironic her words were.

  ‘It really is the ultimate sacrifice – for the safety of our country and the greater good.’

  ‘Amazing really…’ She tailed off, lost for words in admiration for her brother-in-law. She dreaded to think what he had been through, what awful things he must have seen. She suddenly remembered her conversation with Flo at lunch. ‘Flo suggested I sign up with a recruitment agency to look for some temporary work, so I could try out a few different jobs in different industries, see what I might enjoy…’