Tasha had to fight the urge to get up and leave the table right that second and race home. She reassured herself once again. Javier had seen her earlier – there was no need for him to message after that. But he might, there was no denying that. She should never have texted him – now he had her number and there was nothing she could do about it. Rosie was still talking to her, oblivious to the inner turmoil that was spiralling out of control within her mind. She nodded and smiled but Rosie’s words fell on deaf ears. Their food arrived but Tasha was so distracted, so desperate to get home and find her phone that she couldn’t enjoy it. She wished she could feign illness or some kind of crisis she needed to rush off for but Rosie knew her too well. Maybe she should just tell Rosie the truth? But Tasha was too ashamed even for her best friend to find out. She was embarrassed; she didn’t want to be judged. The only person who could ever know what she had done was Javier.
‘Do you want pudding?’ Rosie asked as the waiter offered them the dessert menus.
‘Do you know what, I’m actually feeling pretty stuffed and exhausted after the mania of the weekend. I might make a move.’ Tasha yawned loudly, spying an opportunity to beat a hasty retreat.
‘No problem. I’m actually staying at Josh’s tonight…’ Rosie looked sheepish.
‘You should have invited him! Oh, my goodness – you’re probably dying to get over there!’ Tasha laughed.
‘No way was I going to invite him to a girly dinner. But we should have supper, all four of us, soon though. That is for sure,’ Rosie said. ‘I need you to vet him for me, to make sure he gets your seal of approval.’
‘I’d absolutely love to meet him.’ Tasha smiled. ‘Let’s definitely do that.’
They paid the bill and walked to the Tube. Tasha had to force herself to keep a natural pace rather than sprinting home as fast as she could. When she and Rosie had gone their separate ways, she ran for the Tube carriage as the train pulled in to her platform. As she sat in her seat she tapped her feet and drummed her fingers nervously against her thigh. Her stomach fizzed with nerves. She prayed that Javier hadn’t sent her a reply, and that if he had that Charlie hadn’t seen the message. She kept on talking to herself; the rational part of her brain reassured her that more than likely Charlie hadn’t even noticed that she had left her phone behind. He was probably in the sitting room watching television. He might not have even been up to their room since she’d left. Plus, even if he had found it, he probably would have just left it on the bed. She trusted him not to look through her messages. He was the least nosy, least jealous guy. There wasn’t a possessive bone in his body. She trusted him completely. Which was ironic, seeing as he clearly shouldn’t trust her.
Tasha willed the train to speed up, to get her back to Putney faster, but it trundled along at its usual pace, unaware of her desperation. As her stop approached she stood ready to get off, bolting through the doors as soon as they opened before racing along the platform to reach the turnstile and the exit as fast as possible. She went out of the station and rushed home as quickly as she could, pounding the pavements, determined not to let another second pass unnecessarily where her phone was unattended and potentially the catalyst of a chain of events she had absolutely no intention of letting come to pass. The unthinkable simply could not happen.
As she turned onto her road her heart pounded; she tried her best to catch her breath so that Charlie would not suspect she had been rushing home. She forced herself to stand still on the doorstep for a moment or two, letting her breathing return to normal. She took a final, deep breath in and exhaled slowly. Butterflies stormed inside her and she felt sick with nervous anticipation.
She turned the key in the lock, telling herself that Charlie would be on the sofa watching television, that she would act completely normal, come in and say hi, have a quick chat about Rosie and Josh and then casually say she was desperate to go to the loo, walk upstairs, pick up her phone and put it safely out of harm’s way in her pocket. She pushed open the door and took a step inside.
Chapter Twenty
Time stood still. Charlie was sitting on the bottom step of the stairs, facing her. He held her phone in his hand. One look at the expression on his face told her all she needed to know. A cold chill shot down the length of her spine.
‘Hi,’ she said, trying to keep her voice normal. Maybe she was wrong, maybe it was just her paranoia.
‘Hi,’ he replied. His voice sounded strangely impassive. ‘You left your phone.’
‘Yes,’ she said. She was watching him closely, trying to gain some control of the situation, to somehow regain the upper hand.
‘You got a message.’
‘Oh yes?’ she said, trying not to show her panic.
‘The number wasn’t saved. But I recognised it. The same number that has been stuck on the fridge this past week.’
The blood turned to ice in her veins. Still, she was determined not to give anything away. After all, she had no idea what the message had said. ‘Javier? Yes, I thought he might get in touch about Ella…’ She tailed off somewhat sheepishly.
‘About Ella?’ Charlie repeated coldly, his voice bitter with sarcasm.
Tasha stood still. She had run out of words. Charlie stood up and came towards her. ‘I heard a beep and picked it up. The message flashed up on your screen. Let me read it to you.’ Tasha couldn’t breathe as he unlocked her phone and opened the message. He cleared his throat. His voice sounded tight and strained. ‘Nice to see you earlier, beautiful Tasha. Don’t worry. Our secret is safe with me. I will never tell Charlie. Maybe one day I will tempt you once again. Kiss.’
As she listened to him read Tasha’s world imploded. She knew she had mere seconds to try and salvage this situation. She needed to think of a story that would somehow explain it. Her mind raced at a thousand knots but it was no use. It was completely blank. Tears welled in her eyes as she saw the hurt in his. She had to think of a way out of this. Quickly. But time was passing and there was nothing she could think of to say or do. A tear spilled down her cheek as she realised there was nothing left but to tell him the truth.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.
‘So, it’s true?’ Charlie swallowed. ‘You have had an affair.’ His voice was heavy with disbelief. ‘With Javier?’
‘I’m so sorry,’ she repeated. ‘It only happened once…’ More tears trickled down her cheeks.
She could see her words were wounding him, each one a poisoned dart.
‘Only once…’ he repeated softly, shaking his head as if he couldn’t take it in. He looked completely stunned. He walked into the sitting room and sat heavily on the sofa. Tasha followed him in and closed the door behind her, dropping her bag and her keys to the floor. Her heart was pounding in her chest.
‘When?’ he asked.
‘Last Monday,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry, Charlie. It meant nothing. It happened so quickly. The second it was over I regretted it. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve been feeling sick at the thought all week. My mind has been tying itself in knots trying to understand how I could do something so stupid, how I could hurt you like that, how I could risk our family’s happiness for something so completely inconsequential, so totally pointless, so selfish—’
Charlie interrupted her with a single, piercing question. ‘Why?’ It was all she had been asking herself for the past seven days. He looked at her and she saw that his beautiful blue eyes were brimming with tears. She hadn’t seen him cry for years, and she couldn’t bear the thought that she was the reason for the hurt he was so clearly feeling.
‘I don’t know,’ she whispered, shaking her head fervently. ‘It was nothing… honestly.’
‘How could you?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know. I’m so sorry…so, so, sorry… I told him it meant nothing. I saw him this morning and I begged him to delete it from his memory, never to tell you because I didn’t want this to happen and I never wanted to hurt you. I love you so much, Charlie.’
�
��Oh, I don’t think so,’ he said. He shook his head; he seemed almost shell-shocked.
‘I do. I love you. I love you…’ She knelt in front of him and took his hands in hers, showering them with kisses amongst her tears. ‘If I could turn back time I would never have done it. I think I was out of my mind. I haven’t been feeling myself lately, I’ve been so down, so depressed.’
‘You’ve been down? Like that’s some kind of excuse?’ Charlie shook his head again in disbelief. ‘I’ve been the one working all hours to provide for this family. You have no idea the stress I am under at work. You have absolutely no idea.’
‘I know and I’m so sorry.’
‘I don’t want to hear it. If you had your way I wouldn’t even know about this. You have betrayed me in the worst way possible.’ His voice was cold, each word steeped in anger. He seemed to be retreating into himself before her very eyes.
Suddenly his face flickered with rage. ‘That bastard!’ he shouted through gritted teeth. He strode down the corridor and flung open the front door. Before she could stop him, he had stormed across the street and was hammering on Javier’s door, calling his name. Thankfully the lights were not on and he was still at work. The last thing Tasha wanted was a scene in front of the neighbours; it would be much better if Charlie had some time to calm down before he saw him. Right now his emotions were running about as high as was humanly possible.
‘Charlie, stop. He is not in, come back inside!’ Tasha pleaded. ‘Let’s talk. We don’t want people to hear us…’
Realising Javier was not home, he crossed the street and went back inside. He couldn’t even bring himself to look at her. She begged him to talk to her but he pushed past her and went up to their room. She ran after him, keeping her voice as low as possible to avoid waking the children. Without saying a word, he grabbed a bag and started stuffing it with clothes. He packed his charger, his laptop, his wash bag. Every time she stood in his way he pushed past her, his jaw rigid with anger and hurt. Before she knew what was happening he was downstairs grabbing his keys and his phone.
‘Don’t!’ she cried. ‘Charlie, please! We have to talk about this. Don’t just leave. I am begging you… please…’
‘Get out of my way, Tasha,’ he instructed. His eyes were emotionless; he had shut down. She knew there was no way she could change his mind. She moved to one side and within seconds he was out of the door, leaving her sobbing in the hallway. Tasha picked up her phone and reread the message from Javier. She wailed and threw it to the floor, collapsing onto her knees, tears streaming down her face. She ran onto the street but Charlie had already disappeared. She wanted to scream his name, but she didn’t want to risk waking the children. Instead she came back inside and scrabbled on the floor for her phone once again. She hadn’t even had a chance to explain what had happened. She pressed the speed dial for Charlie and it rang and rang. It was no good. She knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t answer.
Her breath wasn’t coming easily. She put her head between her knees and concentrated on her breathing. Hysteria bubbled up within her. What had she done? Oh, God, what had she done? She picked up the phone again. This time she called Rosie.
‘You found it!’ Rosie laughed down the line.
‘Rosie…’ Tasha’s voice was desperate as she burst into hysterical sobs.
‘Tash? What’s happened?’ Rosie asked, realising immediately that something was seriously wrong.
Tasha tried to catch her breath, to regain enough composure to speak. ‘It’s Charlie,’ she sobbed. ‘He’s left. I don’t know what to do. The children…’
‘What do you mean?’
‘He’s left. He found out… I’ve cheated on him…’
‘What? What are you talking about?’ Tasha could hear the astonishment in Rosie’s voice.
‘It’s true…’ Tasha didn’t know what to say. She shook her head. She couldn’t stop crying.
‘Right, I’m coming over.’ Rosie hung up the phone.
Tasha didn’t move a muscle. She knelt on the floor, letting the tears roll down her cheeks. Her mind kept racing ahead to the worst possible conclusion. Charlie would never forgive her. He would never come back. Loyalty was the one thing he valued above everything. His ex-girlfriend, Chessie, had cheated on him at university with one of his best friends and it had affected him deeply. He had been left broken-hearted, unable to forgive either Chessie or his friend. All the old wounds would have reopened. She knew he would not take this betrayal lightly. With one moment of lunacy she had ended it all. Fourteen years flashed before her eyes and she suddenly thought she might vomit.
Tasha didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there, when out of the silence there was a knock at the door. She got up from the floor and opened it. Rosie came in. ‘It’s going to be OK,’ she said as she hugged her. Rosie took her into the kitchen, closed the door behind them, made them a cup of tea and got Tasha to tell her the whole story. She listened as Tasha explained what had happened, step by step.
‘He will come around,’ Rosie reassured her. ‘You just need to give him time to think. It will have been such a shock, that’s all. But eventually he will calm down and you will be able to talk to him about it. About how you’ve been feeling, you can tell him what a stupid mistake it was, how you weren’t in your right mind, how you love him more than life itself. You can beg him for forgiveness and I am sure he will understand.’
‘But what if he doesn’t?’ Tasha whispered. ‘What if he can’t forgive me?’
‘He will. It’s Charlie, Tash. He loves you more than anything in the world. He loves your children – you are a family. He won’t let that disintegrate. I promise.’
‘God, I hope you’re right,’ Tasha said. ‘How could I have done this to him? I am the worst person in the world.’
‘You aren’t the first person to make a mistake like this, Tasha, and you certainly won’t be the last. I know right now it feels like the end of the world but it will be OK.’ Rosie stroked her hair as Tasha rested her head on her shoulder, tears continuing to stream down her cheeks.
Eventually Rosie put Tasha to bed, making a bed up for herself in the spare room so that Tasha wouldn’t have to be by herself. Tasha tried calling Charlie again and again but his phone went straight to voicemail each time. She sent him a message saying how much she loved him, pleading with him to talk to her, to let her explain, begging him for forgiveness. She lay awake staring at the empty space beside her. She couldn’t even remember the last time he had slept away from her without her knowing where he was.
Chapter Twenty-one
Tasha didn’t sleep a wink. She tried to get some rest but her rampaging emotions got the best of her. Harrowing remorse competed with terror for the future as she contemplated the possible consequences of her actions. She tossed and turned. At some point she heard Javier’s motorbike signalling his arrival back home. She wanted to run outside and scream at him for texting her, but she knew the only person to blame in this situation was herself.
As the early hours of the morning ticked by, she began to dread the dawn of a new day. What would she tell the children if Charlie didn’t come home that evening? They wouldn’t miss him in the morning, but surely they would notice if he didn’t come home at all? What if he never forgave her? What would happen to her, the children, the house? Her head spun as she followed the chain of thought, imagining the reactions from her parents, his parents, their siblings, their friends, the other school mums… It was too awful. The worst thing of all was how completely and utterly to blame she was. There was no one else she could pass the buck to; this whole situation started and ended with her, with her selfish, impulsive behaviour.
As the first crack of light began to stream through the curtains she got up. She checked her phone for the thousandth time – still nothing from Charlie. She called him again, still no answer. What would he be doing now? Probably going into work like the reliable, dependable guy he was. Her heart swelled with emotion as she imagined him
putting on a brave face in the office, acting normally and holding it together despite the enormous hurt he was feeling inside. She texted him again, another pleading message, begging for forgiveness, asking him to come home that evening so they could talk.
Tasha opened the curtains and forced herself to look across the road. Javier’s house was still in darkness, his curtains closed. She looked in the mirror. Yesterday’s make-up was smudged all over her cheeks. Her eyes were puffy and swollen. She showered and brushed her teeth, knowing she had to pull herself together, to try her best to appear normal in front of the children. Taking a deep breath, she got dressed and went downstairs.
Tasha made herself a cup of coffee, stronger than usual to make up for her lack of sleep. She tried to stop herself from thinking about the look in Charlie’s eyes as he realised what she had done but she knew it would be forever emblazoned on her memory. Blinking back a fresh bout of tears, she looked up to see the neon-pink Post-it note stuck on the fridge. Furious with herself, she marched over to it and threw it in the bin. Why had she been so stupid as to text him? If she hadn’t done that then Charlie might never have found out. Today would have been just another normal day.
Yet in some strange way she was glad that he knew. Keeping the secret from him for the rest of her life would have been just as big a betrayal as sleeping with Javier in the first place. At least now he knew exactly what kind of person she was. It was only fair that she should pay for her actions.
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