“Look, Lil, it’s only a couple more weeks, maybe days if Walt’s doctor appointment goes well.”
Tiffany had obviously logged into the company database and was reading Lil’s updates.
“When you hadn’t called back, I began hoping that you’d had a change of heart.”
I have.
“I hate to tell you this, Lil, but I’m short staffed. I’ve had two people quit. I have no one to replace you. Can’t you stick it out just a little longer?”
“I guess.” She made her resignation clear in her voice. No matter how much her heart wanted her to stay, she needed to leave. Fear traced an icy path throughout her body. She shivered. “Good-bye.”
Lil tapped the END CALL button. Sitting cross-legged on her living room floor, she bowed her head. She’d been praying for God to provide strength and stamina for Walt. Now it was time to include herself in that prayer.
This relationship just couldn’t end like the last one. Lil could never, ever tell Walt the truth.
Chapter 9
After her restless night and nerves jostling her stomach until she felt nauseated, the walk from the camper to the house seemed endless.
She missed the buzz and click of the walkie-talkie and having someone to say good night to. Several times she awoke with a start, thinking that she heard Walt calling through the speaker, but it’d only been her dreams.
Her hand trembled as she tried the door. When Walt had started feeling better, he’d get up and unlock the door, welcoming her to his home. Would that be the routine today?
This morning, she’d slipped into her pocket the extra key he’d given her to use, just in case he’d flipped the welcome mat in his home…and heart.
The knob turned in her hands. Relief flooded her limbs at the same time the spicy aroma of fresh-brewed coffee invited her in.
Walt sat at the table, fingers looped through a mug handle, reading a magazine. He looked up over his glasses. “Morning, Lil.”
“Good morning.”
Walt lifted his head and looked at her straight on.
The quietness of her voice must have surprised him.
“Help yourself to coffee.”
Lil draped her jacket over a chair back and did as she was instructed. Glad Walt no longer seemed angry with her, she felt moisture form in her eyes. When she blinked back her tears, mist settled on her lashes like frost on the grass.
“What would you like for breakfast?” Lil carried her cup to the table.
“For you to sit down and talk to me.” Walt closed the magazine he’d been reading and pushed it to the center of the table.
Lil bit her lower lip before it quivered with fear. She’d hashed it over and over all night. She just couldn’t let Walt know about her past. She couldn’t stand to see hate flash through his eyes where appreciation had once shone. She couldn’t take the chance….
She laid her elbows on the table and folded her arms one over the other.
Walt scooted his chair closer to her, the scrape of the metal legs on the floor slicing through the heaviness in the air. He reached for her hand and covered it with his.
“Lil, I care about you. I know it sounds silly because we’ve known each other for such a short amount of time, but it’s deep. I’m sorry I tried to force you to unburden your problems. It’s just…” Walt broke eye contact and looked heavenward for a minute before pinning her with his mesmerizing hazel eyes. “I want to be your confidant. Your secret keeper.”
If you only knew the secret, Walt, you’d want me out of your house once and for all. Larry had. Now she understood why, but understanding and wanting to live through it again were two different things.
“So I got to thinking it might be easier for you to tell me what’s bothering you if I shared something about my past. I don’t tell very many people this, Lil. I didn’t want the Purple Heart the government awarded me with. I didn’t feel I deserved it. Still don’t. Other soldiers frame them and hang their honor on the wall. Mine is buried in the far corner of my dresser drawer.”
“But Walt, you were wounded in action. You’re a hero.”
“Of course you’d think that.” Walt squeezed her hand, leaning forward, closing the small gap between their heads, trying to close the gap between their hearts. “I can tell that you support our country’s troops.”
“And the truth will set you free.” The pleasant aftertaste of her coffee turned vile on her tongue. She swallowed hard, sending the bitterness burning down her throat. How did he get that idea? She’d sidestepped the subject of war or made no comment at all. She didn’t want to tell him her secret, but she now knew it was the right thing to do.
“Walt—”
“No.” Walt held up his hand like a crossing guard wielding a stop sign. “Let me share this.”
“But Walt, I need to tell you something.” She’d found her voice. Blurting it out wouldn’t be appropriate, but it might be necessary.
“Lil, don’t be so exasperating all of the time.” As Walt flopped back in his chair, his hand released Lil’s and made a squeaky trail across the tabletop.
The decibel level of Walt’s voice caused Lil to draw a sharp intake of breath. Defeat etched the time-kissed creases in his face. Her soft heart took control of her head. Somehow he’d jumped to a conclusion. If he mentioned it again, she’d correct him. Right now, he needed to unburden himself and she needed to make it easier.
“I’m sorry, Walt. I didn’t mean to be. I won’t interrupt you again.”
Pursing his lips until all that was visible was his mustache, Walt’s eyes narrowed and his sideways look screamed, “Doubtful.”
Taking a swig of his coffee, Walt stared into space as if reconsidering his confession.
Lil’s hand shook as she lifted her cup. Wrapping her other hand around the warm mug, she managed a sip, hoping it’d settle her nerves.
“Our unit had been on the ground for two days, walking through the jungle looking for the enemy. One of our guys, David Hanson, caught some kind of a bug. Don’t know if he drank bad water or what, but that boy was sick, running a fever in that jungle heat; he could barely walk. He was a good soldier and though he tried with all his might, he finally collapsed. We took turns sitting with him while the others went in search of the enemy. Our commander finally decided the area was secure and he radioed for a chopper to pick us up.”
Walt sat straight in his chair. His hands ran down the length of his thighs, swooshing the well-worn denim of his overalls legs, silently returning and starting the trip over again.
“Water was in short supply, but we all rationed ours so David didn’t get too dehydrated. His sweat-soaked clothes didn’t help his chills. At times he was delirious, moaning, crying, and screaming. That made some of the guys uneasy.”
Sucking his lips in and out, Walt dropped his gaze until he had his memories in check; then he looked up at Lil.
“It was tense. Some of the guys were certain he’d get us all killed. They wanted to…” The bob of Walt’s Adams apple was a sign the words were sticking in his throat.
“They wanted to kill him,” Lil whispered softly. She knew that happened. On her first nursing assignment, she’d heard a soldier’s deathbed confession of how he’d almost turned against his fellow soldier. That’s when her shame of being a protestor started.
Slightly nodding, Walt leaned toward her once again, taking her hands in his.
“I told them they’d have to kill me first. Thank God the commander stepped in. After his lecture, he turned to me and told me that Dave was my responsibility until we got back to base camp. It took twenty-four hours for that chopper to come. The thunderous blades, music to any soldier’s ears, sounded like the Halleluiah chorus to me.”
Walt smiled. “Not only was I getting out of that jungle, but we could get Dave to the medic. I hefted him up over my shoulder, his torso dangling over my back, slung my gun over the other shoulder, and started running with the other guys in the direction of the sound.”
<
br /> A dark veil of sadness curtained Walt’s eyes and his smile turned into a grim line. Lil’s heart dipped in her chest. Past shame clogged her throat, strangling her. How could she have treated those brave men so badly?
“The clearing wasn’t really that far from us, but it was so hot and I’d shared so much of my water with Dave that I was dehydrated, so my muscles didn’t want to work. With Dave’s extra weight, I struggled with each step. The jungle seemed to come to life with vines snaking around my ankles, limbs dipping downward, catching my helmet or Dave’s clothes.”
Obviously reliving the moment, Walt’s hands tightened around hers, his breath coming in rapid little puffs. “I tripped a couple of times but I made it to that clearing. Nothing had ever looked better to me than that powerful, lifesaving chopper. Knowing the area was secure and that the soldiers inside were covering us, we left the camouflage of the jungle and ran out into the open.”
A tremor started in Walt’s hands, clacking Lil’s ring against the hard tabletop. She wanted to pull her hands free and cover her ears. Instead she closed her eyes. A solitary tear slipping down her cheek, she braced herself for what had to be coming next. “Ambushed.”
“Yep.” Walt’s grip loosened.
Lil opened her eyes. “Is that when you were shot?”
Walt nodded. “I was halfway to the helicopter when the gunfire started. Chunks of ground shot up in the air and rained dirt down on us. The sweat and dirt stung my eyes, but still I ran. I heard the pop of gunfire and felt the velocity of bullets whizzing past me, painful cries of soldiers hit, and through my hazy vision, I saw soldiers drop to the ground.”
Guilt gnawed at Lil. No wonder Larry turned her away, couldn’t forgive her. Walt wouldn’t either. Not after all he’d been through.
Mist forming in Walt’s eyes, he swiped at them with his thumbs. “All I could think of was getting Dave to the helicopter, so I just kept running toward the arms pulling soldiers into the gut of the chopper. Just as I got to the chopper, bullets tore up the ground. They pinged against the metal of the helicopter, but I was close enough that someone pulled Dave off my shoulder. I was so much lighter without his weight. I reached up and an arm grabbed me, half in the chopper as I felt it lift up. Then an incredible force pushed me the rest of the way in and my backside burned like fire.”
Lil sucked in a breath as her muscles winced, feeling Walt’s pain. She searched Walt’s face, unable to read the emotion in his eyes. “How can you say you didn’t deserve a Purple Heart?”
“Because…” Walt hung his head when his voice cracked. “I didn’t save Dave. He’d taken a fatal hit.”
“But that wasn’t your fault.” Lil’s voice carried like a shout through a canyon.
Walt lifted his head, eyes meeting hers. “I didn’t carry him right, Lil. We’d taken off his helmet. I should have protected his head. If I had carried him differently, a mother wouldn’t have had to bury her son.”
Lil tried to speak but words wouldn’t come. The insults she’d hurled at returning soldiers were no different than the grenades they’d thrown during the war. Theirs tore up land; hers tore apart fragile souls. She opened her hands then closed them.
“You don’t have to say anything, Lil. I didn’t tell you this for sympathy, pity, or to cleanse my conscience. God’s healing power did that for me years ago. I finally realized that if He could forgive me, I could forgive myself.”
Walt rose from his chair, covering the short span between them. He pulled Lil to him. The fresh scent of the dryer sheets and soft denim tickled her nose as her head rested on his shoulder.
“I told you this, Lil, because whatever it is that you feel you can’t tell me, you can tell God. He’ll listen and forgive you.” Walt’s hand ran up and down her arm, the puffy sleeves of her sweatshirt bunching under his hand.
Lil tensed. She knew that God forgave. She’d given Him this burden years ago in the chapel of the small hospital when she was a student nurse. But God wasn’t the person she worried wouldn’t forgive her. After Walt’s experience with Nancy, she knew the truth would cut him to the core. She couldn’t do that to him. Wouldn’t do that to him.
She lifted her hand to his to stop the comforting movement.
“Hello?” A voice drifted through the living room to the kitchen.
“Breakfast. Your guests are expecting breakfast.” Lil pulled free of Walt’s embrace. Thanking God for the distraction, she hurried to the refrigerator.
“Lil, I’ve been awake for a long time. I put the breakfast spread out already.”
The walker tapped against the floor. Lil turned to see Walt pass through the living room doorway.
Grabbing on to the counter for support, Lil’s legs wobbled all the way to the table. She collapsed in the chair, uncertain if her weak knees were from Walt’s embrace or guilt or both.
Walt meant his story to be a comfort to Lil, to give her permission to let go of whatever past mistake she’d made in her life. Instead it just heaped more coals on her head.
There was no way her heart could take the look of betrayal her admission would draw from Walt’s eyes, especially after what he experienced during the war—trying to save a fellow solider, losing him, and being wounded by the enemy. She’d owned up to her mistakes once and it cost her the promised happily-ever-after ending to her life story.
Muffled laughter drifted in from the living room, Walt’s rich baritone, distinct and infectious, shooting a small current of electricity through Lil. His merriment brought out her smile and lured her from her chair, through the living room, and into the office, like the pied piper’s flute.
By the time Lil made it to the office, Walt was sitting behind the computer.
“Sounded like a party in here.” Lil rested her forearms on the check-in counter.
“Just recalling old times.” Walt waved a dismissive hand through the air. “You know, the you-had-to-be-there kind.”
She knew that kind of story too well. Clearing her throat, she turned to the breakfast area. Her stomach rumbled, reminding her she’d skipped breakfast. “Mind if I have something to eat before we get started on the laundry?”
“Help yourself. It wasn’t much today—fruit, instant oatmeal, and Danish.”
“Walt, that is a hearty breakfast and, for the most part, healthy.” Lil glanced out the plate glass window then did a double take. “Snow flurries?”
Walt stood. “Looks like it. Thought that wasn’t supposed to happen until later today. Good thing the kids are getting on the road this morning.”
“Everyone’s checking out? No one’s staying with Jeanie?”
Lil tore open a package of instant oatmeal, shook it into a Styrofoam bowl, and held the bowl under the hot water spigot on the coffeemaker.
Walt joined her by the short counter. He cut a square of Danish. “Her sister is staying with her. She’s retired and there’s enough room for her at Jeanie’s apartment.”
Lil stopped stirring her oatmeal and laid a hand to her chest. “That’s a relief. Sometimes it’s hardest afterward when everyone gets back to their routine yet the person in mourning has to struggle to find a new normal.”
“True.” Walt pulled two cups from the stack and filled them with coffee. He carried them to a table. “Could you bring my Danish? I don’t have enough hands.”
“No prob—” Lil spun around. Walt shouldn’t have any free hands. “Where is your walker?”
A sheepish look crept across Walt’s face. “It’s over by the computer.”
Lil pursed her lips as she carried their breakfast to the table.
“Don’t get in a snit, Lil. I’ve been using it on and off all morning.”
In a snit. Lil marched toward the check-in desk area, her Crocs punishing the floor for Walt’s bad behavior. She had to stop letting her guard down and watch Walt more diligently.
“Have you forgotten that I’m your nurse?” And love you and don’t want you to fall and get hurt.
Lil’s thought caug
ht her off balance. Her knees weakened and she wavered, wishing she had a walker to steady herself.
Since breakfast, Lil and Walt worked in silence. He’d conceded and started using the walker again, even though it prohibited him from being much help clearing the breakfast area.
The church ladies had cleaned and straightened all the rooms for the last time.
Lil, apparently lost in thought, worked at folding a fitted sheet.
Maybe he shouldn’t have told her what had happened in Vietnam, but he thought she needed to know. He wanted Lil to be a part of his life, all of his life—his past, present, and future. A grin tugged at the corner of Walt’s mouth as he contemplated a future with Lil.
“What do you say we leave this for later and go work on your quilt?” Walt tossed a washcloth down on the table.
Lil growled as the sheet corners refused to cooperate and make a smooth fold. “Who invented these things?” Then she laughed. “But it is easier to make the bed with them. Guess we have to take the good with the bad.”
“That’s right, Lil, we do.” Walt moved closer to her, hoping she heard the double meaning in his words. His arms ached to hold her close, feel her warmth, inhale the flowery fragrance that haloed her.
Still struggling with the sheet, Lil never looked up. “As soon as I wrestle this one into submission, I’ll be right there.”
Disappointment lassoed Walt’s heart, tugging it lower in his chest. Dismissed. That’s what she’d done, dismissed him. Had he read everything wrong? The way she responded to his kiss and his embrace?
Walt walked to the kitchen, his only companion the rickety noise from the walker. Without Lil to watch over his every movement, he left the walker by the table and assembled the ironing board.
“What are you doing?”
Walt jumped as Lil’s voice boomed through the kitchen.
Heart racing, he turned toward the door. “Look, Lil, in a couple of days, I go back to the doctor. What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal is that it’s my job to follow the doctor’s orders, and his notes said two more weeks of using the walker.”
Dakota Love Page 41