I knocked on her door a few times, but there was no response. I finally gave up and started to walk toward my room when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and that was when I saw her. I felt my stomach clench in a way that…well, I immediately wondered if this was a good idea. I stood awkwardly in the middle of the hallway, not knowing what to do.
“Hi, Kayla. Do you need help with anything?”
“I—Hmm, I guess I was just looking for someone to talk to… to pass time.”
“Where’s Hunter?” she asked curiously.
“He’s in training.”
“Oh, right. So, he’ll be going to the other Academy with you then?” she asked.
I nodded.
“You seem concerned about it. Come, we can talk in my room.”
I followed her in her room, which was simple and organized. It was strange watching her. She was so proper and classy… and young! All I could think about was how she was so young when she died. Even though I personally knew that had happened not long ago, there were times when she seemed to be from a distant time.
“Please, sit,” she said.
I sat down feeling uncomfortable.
“So what is your concern about Hunter going to the other Academy? He is immortal, isn’t he?”
As expected, my inability to trust people kicked in.
“Long story. Are you going with us?” I asked, trying to get the attention off me.
She shook her head. “No. Clarissa says it is far too dangerous considering how long I’ve been here, which,” she shrugged, “no offense, but you just arrived here and you are mortal, even if you are a Nephilim. This is a lot more dangerous for you and you are allowed to go.”
I nodded and smiled, knowing that was my way in.
“No offense taken.” I paused. “How long have you been here?”
“A few months,” she said.
“Do you mind if I ask what happened to you.”
Her face turned pale. “I’m sorry, I’d rather not talk about it.”
“Oh okay, sorry.” I stood up, probably too quickly. “Well, I should really get going.”
She nodded and I turned around to leave.
Her shaken voice stopped me. “I had cancer.”
I turned around, not sure what to say. It was one of those moments when you just don’t have the right words. I just stood there quietly until she continued.
“Those memories are just difficult to deal with because my family suffered so much. Watching them deal with it all was worse than the disease itself.”
“Do you still get to see your family?” I asked.
She shook her head. “No. I can’t exactly roam around whenever I please. It’s too much of a risk, being that there are not many full-blooded angels like me.”
“Why would that be a risk?” I asked.
She seemed much more distant after that, and for a moment, I wondered if she was thinking about Ethan.
“It’s complicated. Sometimes I can barely understand this world myself, but I’m happy to be here and to be able to protect others.”
I nodded, wondering if I should bring up Ethan. I wanted to, badly, but at the same time, some weird kind of instinct was holding me back.
She must have noticed my hesitation. “You can confide in me about anything you are worried about. I know how overwhelming this world can be.”
I shrugged. “I just don’t understand how someone can be okay with giving up everything to care for others, especially considering that this is for eternity.”
Her face turned serious, cold.
“I don’t mean any disrespect,” I said. “I know the value of being what you are. I just don’t think you should have to give up everything to be allowed to be an angel.”
She nodded. “It’s not easy, but it’s necessary. I assume you are referring to the fallen and their sins?”
“Well, yes and no. I understand there are times when their choice of free will over being an angel has led to troubled problems, like with sins such as greed. I understand that would be unacceptable for an angel and that makes sense.”
She watched me curiously, probably wondering what I was getting at.
“What I don’t understand is someone being cursed as a fallen angel because of love.”
“Ah, that’s what you are getting at. But you are a Nephilim, and Hunter is an immortal. I don’t understand why that would worry you.”
“It doesn’t worry me. I think it is unfair.”
She gave me a sweet smile. “Love can lead to sins, and as you said yourself, those are unacceptable. If you truly love someone, they’ll at one point or another, become your first choice, and you will put them ahead of the ones you should be protecting.”
“I still don’t believe it is fair.”
“Kayla, you seem to forget that we all have choices, otherwise, there would be no fallen ones. Being a fallen angel is not a curse that was put on them, but angels having the free will to make a decision for which they were well aware of the consequences.”
“But it is like they are being punished for using their free-will.” I sighed. “I guess we will have to agree to disagree. Either way, I should get going. Hunter should be done with his training by now and he’s probably looking for me.”
She gave me a sad smile and nodded.
I turned around and walked away, heartbroken, because I knew right then that even if she did remember Ethan, he wouldn’t stand a chance.
I walked toward my room thinking about how Ethan would react to seeing her again, and about her take on things. I wondered if maybe I could keep them from seeing each other altogether, even if that meant breaking my promise to help Ethan find her.
I opened the door to my room, feeling devastated. I closed the door behind me and noticed Hunter sleeping on my bed and he looked so peaceful. I rarely got to watch him sleep like this. He was usually too worried about staying awake to wake me up from my nightmares. Sometimes I thought he didn’t sleep at all. Yet, there he was and he was the only person to ever be able to shift my mood like this.
I quietly approached the bed and lay down next to him. Without waking up, he rolled over and put his arm over me, pulling me closer. My first instinct was to lay my head against his chest, but instead, I stayed as I was and watched him. I kept wondering how he managed to endured this place, these beings that he hated so much, in order to be by my side. I know I’m only 16, but still, I had never done anything in my life that would lead me to believe that I deserved him. Thinking back on all that was happening, I know I would never be able to do what I was doing if it wasn’t for Hunter’s protection. Not even a thousand angels or fallen angels could make me feel as protected as he did.
I absentmindedly moved my hand toward him, brushing his hair with my fingers.
He opened his eyes and stared into mine.
“I’m the one who usually gets to do the watching,” he whispered.
I gave him a sad smile. He moved his hand, wiping tears from my cheek, tears that I hadn’t even felt. I never cried, especially in front of someone else.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” he asked with a doubtful tone.
I shrugged.
“Didn’t think so,” he said as he pulled me even closer.
I sighed.
“Jennifer and Ethan are never going to work out,” I finally blurted.
I could feel him tense. “You talked to her,” he said.
“I did, but I didn’t say anything about Ethan and neither did she. We were just talking about beliefs and, well, she believes in what she is. She will never give it up for him.”
“Oh.”
I pulled away, feeling even more tears come down my face.
“It’s just so unfair. I don’t get why they would take anyone’s ability, well… status really, of being an angel, just because they love someone.”
“I know, but they have a point. Love impairs judgment, which impacts what they’re supposed to be doing.”
I sat up. “Love impairs judgment? Do you really believe that?”
He looked lost for a split second. “Well, you can’t deny that I’m here against my best judgment. It’s no secret that I hate this place. I’m here because I love you.”
I stood up, fast, wiping whatever tears were left off my face as I did so.
“I NEVER asked you to do this,” I said as I stormed out of my room.
I could hear him coming after me. “Kayla! That is not what I meant. Hang on!”
I tried to rush down the stairs but Hunter was faster. He managed to get in front of me and block my way down, so I turned around and started to go back upstairs. He kept following me and talking. He knew there was no other way I would listen.
“Kayla, come on! You know I didn’t mean that in a bad way. Yes, I’m here only because I love you, but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else without you. I chose this.”
I turned around to find he was a lot closer to me than I thought.
“Apparently, you only chose it because your judgment was impaired.”
“Damn it, Kayla! Stop doing this! What I said came out all wrong. I know what I’m doing here. This is where I’m meant to be.”
I looked down to avoid his gaze, but didn’t say anything.
He took a step closer.
“I know what you’re doing, Kayla. Even if it is subconscious, you are trying to find an excuse to shut me out, but I’m not going anywhere. I’m here to stay.”
I looked up at him and he took another step closer, embracing me.
Sometimes, I wish he didn’t know me so well.
CHAPTER FOUR
That night, I didn’t talk about Ethan, Jennifer, or even about us for that matter. I tried to ask Hunter about his training, but he didn’t seem to want to talk about it. He only said that training was okay, but most of his future training would be at the same time as mine.
I gave him a puzzled look. “I thought you wanted to be around during my training.”
“I did… still do. I guess it can’t be helped. I will be there during your first training though, and depending on how it goes with this Samael guy, well… we’ll see.”
I nodded. In a way, I was glad. I would be able to focus on my training a lot more without Hunter around.
“You’re still upset about earlier, aren’t you?” he asked.
I shrugged, getting into the exact topic I didn’t want to talk about. “The thing with Ethan just really got to me. I mean, he became a fallen angel out of love for her and now he doesn’t even get to be with her at all.”
“Kayla, as much as I hate to side with any of them…” he paused and shook his head. “I remember you telling me what Ethan shared about their story. She was dying and he tried to heal her. He fell because he tried to change her fate. True that they should have caught on to his feelings before he actually tried that, but still, point is that love does impact our decisions. His love for her messed with his judgment enough to make him interfere with things that he had no business getting in the middle of.”
I couldn’t help but to clench my fists. “That’s still not fair. He didn’t ask to be an angel, did he?”
“No, he didn’t. He was lucky to get to be one though. He could have become one of the lost ones.”
“You mean, like Chase?” I asked. Chase was Hunter’s friend when he was human, a friend who is now a trapped ghost. “Why is he not an angel anyway? Chase seems like a good, hmm, being.”
Hunter considered this for a while. “I always assumed it was because he got trapped in the Otherworld for so long, but I couldn’t tell for sure. Anyway, things could have been worse for Ethan. Kayla, being an angel really can’t be that bad, or they wouldn’t be trying to get this second chance.”
“You seem to forget that they weren’t given a choice for that either. Look at Ember! There’s not even any hope for her. She’ll be at the Academy forever, yet, they will keep trying to rehabilitate her.”
“I guess they need help from wherever they can get it, Kayla. Can we be done talking about angel politics now?”
I sighed.
“You are way too involved in this world, Kayla. Come lie down and close your eyes.”
I gave him a puzzled look.
He smiled. “Just do it, please.”
I lay down on the bed and Hunter lay down next to me. “Now close your eyes.”
I did and his hand brushed against mine, and then he held my hand.
“Imagine your house, your mom and dad, your sister—”
I opened my eyes. “Are you trying to make me feel better or depressed?”
He looked into my eyes. “I’m trying to remind you of what is out there waiting for you when we leave here. I don’t want you to forget them. I don’t want you getting lost in this world. Now, close your eyes.”
“Think a few months back. Take me to your favorite place.”
“Hmm, the mall?” I said.
Hunter laughed, and it was good hearing him laugh like that.
“Good. Now imagine how you would spend your day there,” he said, “no budget limit.”
I tried to imagine that, but my mind quickly drifted to the other academy. I started to think about my sister Kim, Ethan, Stephaine, and Chase.
“Don’t open your eyes,” he whispered. “You are not thinking about the mall anymore, are you?”
“How do you know?”
“I felt you tense by the way you are holding my hand.”
“Oh.” I pulled my hand away from his.
I still somehow managed to keep my eyes closed, even though I wanted to look at him. It turned out that having my eyes closed made it easier to tell him what I was thinking.
“Hunter, that stuff… the mall and everything else that I was into back then, seems so insignificant now. Of course I want to see my family again, but nothing seems as important as what I’m meant to do as a Nephilim.”
Hunter was quiet for what felt like forever. Finally, I felt him move closer to me. Even without opening my eyes, his proximity was enough to make me feel a pull toward him, to make my heart start racing.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Kayla, open your eyes.”
I opened my eyes to find him leaning on top of me.
“Kayla, I can’t even grasp the importance of your being a Nephilim, but Nephilim or not, you are still mortal. I just hope that you still look forward to a normal life after all of this. I hope you look forward to being safe and alive, for your family and for me.”
He leaned down and kissed me in a way that he had never done before, almost as if he was losing me.
***
After Hunter went to his room, I couldn’t go to sleep. I knew he would come back in the middle of the night. He always did, just to make sure he woke me up from the terrible nightmares with Benjamin and Hannah. I kept thinking about the way he kissed me as if he were losing me, and I knew that eventually he would. Like he said himself, I was mortal, he wasn’t. As much as I loved him, I knew this wouldn’t last forever. It was only a matter of time before our age difference would make us drift apart; it was inevitable, and also probably the reason why I didn’t see the significance of going back to my old life, other than being with my family, of course. That was also the reason why my mortality was starting to mean nothing to me.
I could only focus on two things: I was born a Nephilim and I had nothing to lose. I was also afraid that when I did die I would become an angel, because if that happened, I wouldn’t be one for long. There was no doubt in my mind that I would choose to be cast out of heaven just to be with Hunter, or just for wanting to be with him, considering that there was nothing he hated more than their kind.
Funny how a matter of hours ago I thought about how lucky I was to have a guy like Hunter by my side. Now I was wondering if it really was luck considering that our fate was doomed. That was exactly why I didn’t want to trust him or anyone else. I didn’t want to let anyone in when sooner or later, I would be the one ge
tting hurt, but at this point it was too late. I decided I needed to get into this being a Nephilim thing one hundred percent and just let everything else happen on its own, or fall apart on its own.
CHAPTER FIVE
I did eventually fall asleep. This time, the nightmare was with Hannah trying to get her hands on Hunter. As usual, the nightmare was directly related to my worst fear. Hannah played on the fact that, like Hunter, she would always look the same because although she was a demon, she was also immortal. Just like every other night, Hunter was there to wake me up. I opened my eyes, rolled over and pretended to go back to sleep. The last thing I wanted was to talk to Hunter about what was going through my mind. Hunter lay down behind me, putting his arm over me, and I did eventually fall asleep again. When I woke up the next morning, Hunter was gone.
I put on a pair of jeans, tank top, and sweatshirt, and went to my first training. Hunter was outside waiting for me.
“Ready?” he asked.
I shrugged. “I guess I have to be.”
“Is everything okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, just tired of the nightmares.”
Hunter didn’t say anything to that. He just looked as if he was deep in thought.
“What?” I asked.
“Last night… your nightmare was different than the others, wasn’t it?”
“Why do you say that?”
“Your reaction when I woke you up. You kinda—” he paused, “I don’t know… I guess you were distant.”
“It was nothing. I was just tired.”
He let it go after that. We grabbed something quick to eat and headed for the gym.
As soon as we walked in, Hunter tensed. Even though there was no one there, his entire mood shifted. Hunter and I sat in the middle of the gym. He sat across from me, looking hopeless, because he knew there was no way to change my mind about any of this.
Sins of the Fallen Page 2