I pack up, try to get Leesie online before I have to leave. Freak. She’s not there. Come on, Leese. Figure it out. I’m here waiting. I’m early, girl. Wake up, sign on. Again.
She surprised me the other night. Voracious. Who knew? I should have. I’ve tasted her appetite. She’s amazing when she melts. Married we’d be free of all those hang-ups, playing by the rules. She can melt in my arms whenever she wants.
Who cares if we’re both still eighteen. We’re legal. That’s what counts. She’ll be nineteen in two months. Maybe we can get married at Christmas. Wonder if I can get off? If I have to, I’ll quit. No way will she resist me asking her in person. If I can get her hot, it’ll be easy. Why didn’t I think of this back in Florida? It would have been so much better than breaking up. That was right, though. Hurt like hell, but I needed to give her up—let her go before I destroyed everything that made me love her. It was the only thing to do. Then.
I can’t help it if she came back.
I can’t help it if she still loves me.
I can’t help loving her.
She’ll marry me. Not even the Mormon stuff scares me. She can raise our kids like she was raised. That’s cool with me. I’ll respect it all our lives together. Support her, help her.
I promised I’d listen. I think I can do that now without getting livid. Before I was so freaked. My parents’ loss was fresh and raw. Every time she tried to reassure me with her holy act, it felt like she was raking through my oozing wounds. I hated that.
I can listen to her now, fake nice, let her pray all she wants, if it means keeping her—really making her mine after all.
She’ll say ‘yes.’ Sooner or later, she’ll say ‘yes.’
Freak, I got to go, babe. Where are you?
LEESIE’S MOST PRIVATE CHAPBOOK
POEM # 52, HOMECOMING
I bake a mob of chocolate chip cookies,
chewy with oatmeal, expensive
when you have to buy all the stuff,
and wonder where Michael was last night
while I pack the cookies with the last
of the Washington Delicious Apples
Dad mail-ordered me. How did he know?
I never said.
I check my face, add concealer.
I fell asleep waiting for Michael,
but the alarm went off at 4 AM.
I waited until 6. Nothing.
Nowhere. I fight not to imagine
the somewhere he could be.
Noah’s on time, and we walk to the stadium,
milling with all the guys who made him ask me
and their giggling dates,
enjoying a crisp touch of fall,
trees golden and scarlet,
beds of fall flowers and soft green lawns
perfectly tended by an army of students
early this morning.
The whole place glows.
Why don’t I?
Noah smiles. “Can I carry that?”
I swallow away my dry mouth and nerves.
“You’ve got the blankets.”
“I’ll manage both.” He touches my arm when he takes
the picnic basket I borrowed off Roxi,
my California roommate,
who’s prepared for everything.
I have a boyfriend in Thailand.
I have a boyfriend in Thailand.
I want to shout, turn and bolt.
We’re back together—sort of.
Either that or we’re engaged.
Need to change my online status:
Complicated. That’s us.
Then boys like Noah won’t call.
They want pure, simple.
He spreads the blankets
on the bleacher.
I reward him with cookies.
Best he’s ever tasted.
(Gram gave me her secret recipe
when I was part of the family.)
I gaze off into sky as blue as Michael’s ocean.
“You should try my apple pie.”
“Is that an invitation?”
Noah’s mouth is full of cookie.
The crowd roars kick-off so he misses
the no way, that’s Michael’s, plain
on my face.
We score a lot and win,
pass the cookies around.
I’m the only one who eats the apples.
Later, riding the Creeper steaming for Heber,
the train cars chugging through the night to a Top 40s beat,
we salsa and waltz.
He talks about brothers on missions
in hot, steamy places.
I grab his shoulder. “Did you say Thailand?”
“No, South Korea.”
I relax my grip. “Know anyone serving in Thailand?”
He shakes his head, watching me,
getting it. “Do you?”
“I have a friend working there. He needs
some missionaries.”
Noah’s hand slips in mine—
suddenly slicker than it was before.
“Maybe more than a friend?”
Heat rises to my face—and I stare
out the window at the lights speeding
away from me. “Used to be.”
We both know I’m lying.
He eases away from me, swallows. “My dad
joined for my mom.”
“My mom, too. Is he still active—your dad?”
Noah’s head shakes. “He stuck it out
for awhile—five kids—then it fell apart.
A mom on her own isn’t the plan.”
The pain of Noah’s past, the loss and ache,
tinged with rejection—from his father
to the girls he liked who always
wanted someone else—
like me, tonight—
oozes up around his golf shirt collar
and bleeds into his words.
“You don’t want that.”
“I know.” I pull my eyes away from the black night
outside. “That’s why he’s in Thailand.
And I’m going to have a great time
at this dance
with you.”
LEESIE HUNT / CHATSPOT LOG / 10/18 11:28 PM
Kimbo69 says: Charitable work done for the week?
Leesie327 says: Noah is a nice boy, and man, can he salsa.
Kimbo69 says: He can dance after all?
Leesie327 says: High school ballroom team reject—couldn’t get a partner.
Kimbo69 says: Ballroom team?
Leesie327 says: He’s from Utah. And he’s a great dancer.
Kimbo69 says: Don’t start your pity act…you’ll never get rid of him.
Leesie327 says: We talked about Michael.
Kimbo69 says: Poor Noah…you are cruel with that one.
Leesie327 says: Wasn’t like that. He’s easy to talk to. Probably be a bishop some day. I’m going to set him up with my roommate.
Kimbo69 says: The wild girl? You are sadistic.
Leesie327 says: Tawni? No way. Dayla. The girl from Idaho Falls. She’s perfect for him.
Kimbo69 says: Right. I keep forgetting you live in a flock.
Leesie327 says: It’s not like we’re chickens.
Kimbo69 says: Biddies?
Leesie327 says: Shut up.
Kimbo69 says: So there’s Tawni, the bad one; Dayla the perfect one, Cadence the singing one…have you mentioned the others?
Leesie327 says: Lily, nice but socially about nine. We stayed up late last night and taught her make-up basics.
Kimbo69 says: Is that really why you stayed up late?
Leesie327 says: I missed Michael Friday morning. I got up at 4 AM to chat with him and he was nowhere. I thought maybe he’d try again.
Kimbo69 says: You know what you need?
Leesie327 says: Yeah. To keep telling you about my roommates. Next is Roxi, our California girl. Did you know there are more Mormons in California than in U
tah? She’s waiting for a missionary. He just left.
Kimbo69 says: Okay, Miss Matchmaker. I’ll play along. Why stick Dayla with Noah? Sounds like Lily would be his speed.
Leesie327 says: I’ve got a feeling about him and Dayla. Noah is the boy we should all want for a husband. I’m going to give him to Dayla.
Kimbo69 says: And where does that leave you?
Leesie327 says: Where I’ve always been. Hopeless. Staring at my screen wondering what Michael is doing right now.
Kimbo69 says: Speaking of hopeless, whatever happened to your mission boy?
Leesie327 says: Jaron? You know he was never mine.
Kimbo69 says: Right, big brother.
Leesie327 says: He’s still serving in Brazil. He’ll be home this coming spring and get married to one of the six girlfriends he left behind in Spokane.
Kimbo69 says: Kind of young to get married.
Leesie327 says: He’ll be twenty-two. Mormons tend to marry young.
Kimbo69 says: What about getting an education and starting a career first?
Leesie327 says: Why not do that together?
Kimbo69 says: Why rush it?
Leesie327 says: Because we have hormones like everyone else. It’s either sin or get married. So we marry young.
Kimbo69 says: You have to twist the way everything is to make those rules of yours work.
Leesie327 says: No. The world has twisted the way everything used to be. The rules don’t change. The Ten Commandments are pretty old.
Kimbo69 says: So what do you hear from Michael?
Leesie327 says: Now he’s talking about getting married.
Kimbo69 says: You’ve got him brainwashed, too.
Leesie327 says: He met some newlyweds that got him thinking. He’s the one who brought it up. Not me.
Kimbo69 says: Serious? When’s the big day?
Leesie327 says: I told him to get baptized and ask me again.
Kimbo69 says: One of these days you’ll push him too far, and he’ll give up on you…he’s willing to marry you, and you give him that crap?
Leesie327 says: We have to do it right or it will be a disaster.
Kimbo69 says: The guy is hotness cubed. I’d sleep with him in a second. You’re going to lose him to somebody like me who’ll treat him right.
Leesie327 says: You’re just thinking about his body. I want his soul.
Chapter 8
TRUE BELIEVER
LEESIE HUNT / CHATSPOT LOG/10/19 4:15 AM
liv2div says: I was hoping for a miracle and here you are.
Leesie327 says: I thought maybe I got the days mixed up. I’ve been up at 4 AM four days in a row.
liv2div says: I had to leave early from the hotel… hung in there until the last minute…you were signed on but didn’t answer
Leesie327 says: I fell asleep. My alarm woke me for our rendezvous.
liv2div says: freak, you must be tired
Leesie327 says: I like 4 AM. Good time for poetry. The creative brain works better drowsy.
liv2div says: does wearing my sweatshirt help?
Leesie327 says: Nope…your sweatshirt wakes up another brain I’m trying to keep anesthetized.
liv2div says: how many brains do you have?
Leesie327 says: Too many. They don’t ever top thinking. Did you mean all that marriage stuff—last time we talked?
liv2div says: you mean my proposal? of course… how did the mercy guy take it when you broke your date?
Leesie327 says: I didn’t break it.
liv2div says: but we’re engaged
Leesie327 says: No we’re not.
liv2div says: you went out with him? great…that makes me feel like beheading bunnies
Leesie327 says: Gross.
liv2div says: maybe I’ll get on a plane and come and behead him…did he touch you?
Leesie327 says: Only when we danced.
liv2div says: freak, Leese…I’ve seen you dance… you’re not allowed to do that again around any other guy
Leesie327 says: Sure. I’ll barricade myself in the closet if you promise to call the missionaries.
liv2div says: did you dance with him close—like we did?
Leesie327 says: Of course not. He’s a nice Mormon boy.
liv2div says: not depraved like me
Leesie327 says: Relax, Michael. We waltzed.
liv2div says: don’t tell me…I can’t hear this
Leesie327 says: He can salsa, too. It ended up being fun.
liv2div says: you should have been miserable
Leesie327 says: Sorry. You know how I get when music plays.
liv2div says: so that’s it…a little ballroom and I’m history
Leesie327 says: What happened to you? You were so brave—go find your Mormon guy and all that.
liv2div says: faking? I don’t know…you were going home to Teacup…nobody there to sweep you off your feet
Leesie327 says: You weren’t faking it. You were amazing that last night in Florida. So sure of yourself. You knew exactly what we needed to do.
liv2div says: It was just there in my head…my mom, I guess…I can’t be brave if you’re going to tell me about some other guy
Leesie327 says: I’m sorry. I was teasing.
liv2div says: the thought of his pudgy hand on your shoulder…him inhaling your hair…I think I’m going to vomit
Leesie327 says: Now you know how I felt all last summer when I’d sign on late and you were out. How many were there? Or was it all Mandy?
liv2div says: I was out with the guys, babe…haven’t been with anyone since you…gross, how could I?
Leesie327 says: FOR REAL?? Why didn’t you tell me that before?
liv2div says: didn’t know you were tracking me
Leesie327 says: Gosh, Michael. We were broken up. You do love me.
liv2div says: duh…listen, no more dates
Leesie327 says: And you can’t even look at a Thai female.
liv2div says: what about the topless European chicks down on the beach?
Leesie327 says: Beaches are banned.
liv2div says: and we’ll get married…soon…I want to take care of you…let me, babe, please…we can run away together to an island in the Pacific and live on bananas
Leesie327 says: That would be cool. I’ll say ‘yes’ when you do, but it has to be real.
liv2div says: Do you have a grass skirt?
Leesie327 says: You said you’ll listen. When?
liv2div says: no seashells in your wardrobe, either, I suppose…I’ll see what I can find around here…what color? anything you want…I’ll get it…how about a long silk skirt? I’ll get you one in the market
Leesie327 says: You’re crazy tonight.
liv2div says: that’s right…I am certifiable…Isadore comes around every night…please come take her place…you’d be great therapy…my mental health is at stake…better hop a jet tomorrow… marry me this weekend and I’ll finish planning our honeymoon
Leesie327 says: I TOLD you—no ditching school.
liv2div says: but this is an emergency…you can go back when you get tired of our island
Leesie327 says: You’re not that rich.
liv2div says: how about a nice, big sailboat? I am that rich…we could sail around the world for the next couple years
Leesie327 says: With Captain Mikey at the helm?
liv2div says: of course
Leesie327 says: I’d like a sailboat…my dad would show for that.
liv2div says: we wouldn’t want your dad there…what happened to our 24/7 pact?
Leesie327 says: Oh, right. We’d be way too busy to entertain.
liv2div says: and you could learn to dive…I’ll teach you
Leesie327 says: Dream on. I was so wimped in Florida.
liv2div says: you liked it, though, when I took you down, but I’m fine with you and me alone on a sailboat with nothing to do but love each other in and out of the water
Leesie327 says: you’re making me Jel
l-O
liv2div says: see, babe, we don’t need that church stuff
Leesie327 says: but you promised…when will you listen?
liv2div says: tomorrow if you’ll get on a plane
Leesie327 says: I have to keep my grades high or I’ll lose my scholarship.
liv2div says: you don’t need your scholarship…you have me
Leesie327 says: We’ve got to leap a few more hurdles before that’s true.
liv2div says: I’ll listen, Leese…why don’t you believe me?
Leesie327 says: I’m not convinced that you’ll ever want it—my rules, my truths, my faith.
liv2div says: I’m sort of already living those rules
Leesie327 says: There’s so much more to it than that.
liv2div says: I’m not stupid…I’m a fast learner
Unbroken Connection Page 4