Dead Man Gaming

by A. J. Markam

  Richard kept me hanging on by a thread. He basically ignored the others and kept sending me bolt after bolt of healing energy.

  “I need a heal over here!” Slothfart yelled.

  “Dammit,” I heard Richard mutter under his breath, and he paused the constant stream of energy to me to deal with the others.

  In the time that he was distracted, I died.

  Luckily, the graveyard wasn’t far away. It was at the edge of the property, nestled back among some pines.

  I looked up. There was the Grim Reaper, same as always.

  Good to know there were a few constants in life.

  I could see the battle taking place in the courtyard about 200 feet away. We had been vastly outnumbered at the beginning, but the group had whittled the ghosts down to just a few remaining attackers.

  I noticed that without Richard having to heal me, the rest of the group was doing a lot better.

  I raced across the courtyard, jumped back in my body, and leapt to my feet.

  Richard looked over at me in alarm. “Um… not to be rude, but perhaps you could go into Stealth mode until we finish?”

  “Sure,” I said, embarrassed at my ineptitude.

  I thought Stealth and disappeared.

  Within another 20 seconds the battle was wrapped up. All the ghosts were gone for good, reduced to bubbling puddles of ectoplasm on the ground.

  Richard sent the last few healing bolts into the other members of the group, then sent a shower of purple energy into my body. I came out of Stealth.

  “That was exceedingly close,” Richard said.

  “A little too close for my taste,” Jennifer said unhappily. “And now they know we’re coming.”

  The group stood around silently, all of them looking at me but trying not to look at me.

  “Sorry about that,” I said sheepishly. “I guess I’m not as good in the fight as you guys.”

  “Don’t worry about it, mate!” the goblin said cheerily, and gave me a friendly punch in the thigh (which was about eye-level for him).

  “You were just a couple of levels lower than the ghosts, that’s all,” Richard said kindly. “I noticed you leveled up.”

  “Yeah, I think I got a new skill!”

  “That’s cool, but we’re probably going to run into mobs even higher than our level in there,” Jennifer said. She sounded sympathetic but firm. “I’m sorry, Jimmy, but we can’t take you along with us. At this point, you’re a liability.”

  “Aw, come on, give ‘im a chance,” the goblin said.

  “Look, somebody has to be the bad guy here. I get it, nobody wants to, so I’ll say it. Richard spent half his time healing just Jimmy – so he could kill, what, three or four ghosts?”

  I winced. It had only been one.

  Jennifer continued, “I don’t know about you guys, but I had to drink a healing potion to stay alive.”

  The orc scratched his head and winced. “Uh… I did, too.”

  “I had a couple ‘a spare potions lying around – so what?” the goblin said cheerfully. “Now I’ve got more room in me bag!”

  Jennifer sighed. “We can’t be put in that situation repeatedly.”

  I felt awful. The situation with the group was great for me, but sucked for them. I was the weak link dragging the rest of the group down.

  “I could go into Stealth and steal the keys for the chains on the prisoners,” I suggested.

  Jennifer looked doubtful.

  “I say we give him a shot,” the orc said. “Maybe he can steal the keys and make our lives a lot simpler.”

  “Or maybe we have to kill the jailer to get them,” Jennifer pointed out.

  “Or maybe we don’t,” the orc argued. “We don’t know, so we might as well let him try.”

  “I can do this,” I said confidently – a lot more confidently than I felt. “I’m sure I can.”

  Jennifer looked at me sideways.

  “See? He says he can do it!” the goblin said cheerfully.

  “All right… one shot,” Jennifer said, holding up a finger. “But only one.”

  “That’s all I’ll need,” I promised.

  Turns out that wasn’t exactly true.

  25

  I led them through the first floor and over to the basement stairs. “It’s down here.”

  Jennifer looked around at the empty house uneasily. “They know we’re coming, but they didn’t send anybody to get us? This is weird.”

  “Why must you always look gift horses in the mouth?” Richard asked.

  “Because I’m a project manager, and I know there’s no such thing as a free ride.”

  “It’s one jailer dude, right?” said Slothfart. “Shouldn’t be a problem.”

  “Don’t say things that sound like famous last words,” the troll cautioned. “Just… don’t.”

  Jennifer pointed at me. “You’re up, Jimmy. Go into Stealth, go ahead of us, and see if you can get the keys and unlock the guy. We’ll be right behind you, guarding your back.”

  I nodded. “You got it.”

  I went into Stealth and started down the stairs. The others followed close behind me.

  We got down to the dungeon, and everything seemed exactly the same as when I left. The prisoners were all in their cells, and the jailer was nowhere to be seen.

  “See? Nothing to it,” the orc said.

  Suddenly there were multiple groans from all around us – then the floorboards began to splinter as dozens of rotting hands broke through them and shot up into the air.

  “Ghouls!” Russell yelled happily, like Christmas morning had just come early.

  “You just had to go and say something that sounded like famous last words, didn’t you?” the troll asked Slothfart.

  “Oh crap,” the orc whimpered. “Where are they coming from?”

  “Oubliettes. Secret dungeon spaces with access only through a ceiling.” Richard paused, anticipating everyone’s stares. “Latin classes, people.”

  “Hey Jimmy, they kinda look like your cousins!” the goblin joked.

  Other than the fact that the ghouls were obviously dead, they looked nothing like me. I was completely intact, with just a few bones sticking out of my body here and there. These guys were rotting, pustulant, horrible messes.

  “Jimmy, go look for those keys!” Jennifer commanded.

  I was about to say You got it, then I realized that would throw me out of Stealth, and caught myself at the last instant.

  Instead, I took off across the floor, jumping over the hands and the rotting, evil corpses pulling themselves up out of the floorboards.

  As I darted down the hallway at the back of the dungeon, I expected to find the jailer by himself. Maybe I could snag the keys off a table or something.

  I was not prepared for what I found when I rounded the corner.

  The jailer was standing there with 12 human soldiers clad in armor.

  Even worse, the keys weren’t lying on a table or hanging on a peg. They were dangling from the belt of the jailer.

  In the other room, I could hear the sounds of battle – the clanging of plate armor as Russell slammed into people, the sound of cracking ice as Jennifer froze ghouls in place, the hacking of Slothfart’s scimitar, and the wind-like WHOOSH of Richard’s healing energy.

  As they fought, more glowing numbers flashed in the air all around me. My experience point counter was half-full and rapidly climbing. I would level up again within a relatively short time.

  I felt bad about that, since I wasn’t doing anything to help. Though that it been my whole reason for joining the group, I still felt bad. I could see why Jennifer was annoyed about everyone else having to carry me.

  I wanted to warn the others that there were more guys waiting to ambush them – but I couldn’t say anything, or I would come out of Stealth. I brought up the chat window instead and started typing, but it was tediously slow.

  As soon as I finished pecking out More coming, the soldiers raced around the corner with the
ir spears. By the time I hit ‘Send,’ the soldiers were already in the other room.

  From the other room, I heard Jennifer’s voice yell, “A LITTLE LATE!”

  “But thank you for trying!” the troll called out helpfully.

  Now I was alone with the jailer. I looked longingly at the keys hanging from his belt, but I knew better than to come out of Stealth and try to fight him for it. I selected him with my targeting ability and saw that he had nearly five times the number of hit points that I did.

  If I tried to fight this guy, I was going to get slaughtered.

  All of a sudden I hit my next level. Yellow light enveloped me, the angels sang, and I saw ‘Level 7’ followed by You have earned a new talent point!

  Suddenly the image of a new icon appeared – a hand reaching out to steal a coin purse on someone’s belt. Apparently I was only getting them on odd level-ups now – 3, 5, 7.

  I opened my action bar and hovered my hand over the picture.

  Pickpocket!

  Nice – just in the nick of time!

  I got as close as I could to the jailor without touching him, then activated the skill.

  My hand reached out like a puppeteer had taken control of my strings again, and I unhooked the strap that held the ring of keys in place.

  I would’ve gotten away with it, too, except the guy moved so he could get a better view of the fight going on in the other room.

  He backed up right into me.

  I was invisible, yeah, but it wasn’t like people could walk through me. As soon as he bumped me, I came out of Stealth.

  He turned around and stared at me in wide-eyed shock.

  I was pretty shocked myself as stood there, bent over at the waist and looking up at him with an Uh-oh expression.

  “Thief!” he roared, and grabbed the whip from his belt.

  Did I mention he had five times as many hit points as I did?

  I knew this was going to suck, so I frantically hit Fleet Foot and turned and ran.

  I zoomed out of the jailer’s quarters and into the main room. The guys were busy yelling and screaming as they fought not only the ghouls but the armored guards.

  “I got the keys!” I yelled as I roared past them.

  “That’s great!” Jen shouted happily – then frowned as I zoomed away.

  “Dude, where are you going?!” Slothfart yelled.

  “I’ll be upstairs!” I yelled as I flew past them and hit the steps.

  “It’s probably for the best,” the troll said in a resigned voice, as though he was trying to comfort the others.

  26

  I reached the top of the stairs when my speed gave out.

  I stood around, waiting for something horrible to lumber out of the shadows, but nothing appeared.

  I listened for the sound of the battle to subside, all the while looking at the numbers flashing around me – all the experience points I was getting as my teammates did way more than me. I felt terrible, but if I went down there, I was just going to get killed – not to mention take away from Richard’s ability to help everyone else.

  I tried to logic away my discomfort. I mean, easy experience points were the whole reason I joined the group in the first place.

  …right?

  Suddenly I heard four separate choruses of angels downstairs, and the bottom of the stairway glowed with golden light.

  “Level up!” I heard Russell cackle enthusiastically.

  Twenty seconds later, the clanging and fighting stopped.

  “Okay, you can come down now,” Jennifer yelled.

  I tiptoed down the stairs and found a scene of slaughter all around me. Dead ghouls and armored guards lay halfway in and out of all the holes in the floorboards.

  I held out the keys meekly. “Sorry.”

  “It was probably for the best,” the troll said comfortingly, apparently not aware that I’d already heard him say it to the others.

  Jennifer smiled tightly and took the keys. “Thanks.”

  “Where’s the jailer?” I asked.

  Slothfart pointed at a nearby gap in the floorboards, where a body was wedged headfirst all the way up to the waist. A familiar pair of curly-toed elf shoes were on the feet, which stuck straight up in the air.

  “He got a little overconfident and charged us,” the orc explained.

  I could see it on their faces, but I was the only one who would say it:

  “So… you would have gotten the keys without me,” I said, depressed.

  “Ah, it’s not yer fault you’re an under-leveled dead guy!” Russell said.

  “You just like overwhelming odds,” Jennifer accused the goblin.

  “True. More people to kill.”

  She sighed and handed me a leather helmet, a new leather vest, and a pile of trinkets stacked on top of the clothes. “Here – your share of the spoils.”

  At the same time, Richard swiped his hand through the air and I heard the jingle of coins.

  I felt sick. I handed the leather items back.

  “Guys, I… I can’t take this stuff,” I said shamefacedly. “I don’t deserve it. I’ll give you my share of the money, too.”

  Jennifer pushed my hands back towards me. “The new armor will make you harder to kill, so you keep it.”

  “We’ll take the money, though,” Slothfart said enthusiastically.

  Jennifer shot him an irritated look. “No we WON’T. He’s in the group, so he gets an equal share. That’s final.”

  The orc looked embarrassed as he mumbled, “I was just kidding… jeez, bite my head off, why don’t ya…”

  Jennifer looked back to me. “Although, since you’re in a long-term immersion pod, I expect you to grind after we log off. I want you as close to our levels as you can get when we log on again.”

  “You got it,” I promised wholeheartedly.

  She gave me a half-smile and jerked her head towards the cells. “Good. Let’s go free some prisoners.”

  We walked over to the imprisoned dark elf, whose ‘?’ still remained ghostly white.

  Jen unlocked his shackles. The dark elf stood up and rubbed his arms where the manacles had been.

  “Thank you, brave adventurers. You have delivered me from the clutches of evil.”

  “What, no XP?” the orc complained. “Bogus.”

  “We have to unlock the others, too,” Jennifer said, and moved towards the next guy.

  “I’ll do it,” I volunteered. “Least I can do.”

  Jennifer shrugged, then handed the keys over to me. “Thanks.”

  I took the keys and went around to the other prisoners, unlocking them one by one. As I did, they would bow and say “Thank you!” and then run hurriedly up the stairs.

  When the last prisoner was free, we finally got our experience points – and I leveled up once more in a golden wave of light. I felt super-embarrassed as I stood there. I even ignored the message about You have earned a new talent point! and the new icon that flashed across my screen.

  Jen looked at me with one cocked eyebrow. “You know, you do that really quickly.”

  “That’s what she said,” the orc muttered under his breath.

  Jennifer turned on Slothfart. “Premature ejaculation jokes? Really?”

  “Hey – you set ‘em, I spike ‘em. What, would you prefer ‘golden showers of light’ jokes?”

  “No – just – UGH,” Jennifer said, turning away.

  “It’s not Jimmy’s fault if he’s very responsive,” the troll said defensively. “Some women might consider that a plus.”

  The entire room stared at him in silence.

  Richard blushed. “…I thought we were talking about…”

  More silence.

  “…not that I would know from experience,” Richard finished, then cleared his throat and pointed at the dark elf. “Ahem, it appears we have another quest.”

  Sure enough, the dark elf had a yellow ‘!’ over his head. As soon as we all looked at him, he started talking again.

 
; “The Borellians have blighted this entire region for months now. Something horrible happened, and they killed their servants to sate their vile appetites.”

  “What vile appetites?” Slothfart asked in alarm.

  “Are they cannibals?” Russell asked with a little too much enthusiasm.

  “Vampires,” the dark elf said.

  “Great,” Jen muttered. “How many are we talking about?”

  “Four – the patriarch, Kieris; the matriarch, Madela; and the two siblings, Lady Sira and Lord Brantum.”

  “Wonderful. You said they killed everybody, but what about these guys?” Jennifer said, gesturing around at the jailer and dead guards.

  “The only ones they left alive are those they send out to capture new bodies to slake their thirst. That is how you happened to find me here – their men captured me during a hunting excursion in the woods. I must return to my brother now, but I thank you heartily. You have my everlasting loyalty. I must warn you, if you are thinking of trying to cleanse this manor of the evil that has infested it, it will be a difficult task – but the entire region will thank you.”

  A new window popped up.

  Vampire Massacre

  Destroy the Borellian family and rid the manor of undead evil.

  If you succeed, you will receive the following rewards:

  Lady Sira – 1000 XP

  Lord Brantum – 1000 XP

  Baroness Madela – 2000 XP

  Baron Kieris – 4000 XP

  “Jeez,” the orc said, then whistled. “8000 XP. Not bad for a bunch of bloodsuckers.”

  “We accept,” Jen said out loud.

  “I wish you luck, noble adventurers,” the dark elf said. “May the Goddess bless you, and the Great Elf guard your paths.”

  Then he took off running up the stairs.

  “Do you get the feeling that, by running away, he’s showing he has better judgment than we do?” the troll asked.

  “Hey, we’re here to kill shit and level up!” the goblin chirped. “This is great!”

  “Yeah, but there’s no loot attached to the quest,” the orc pointed out.

  “Which means they probably have stuff hidden around the castle,” Jen said thoughtfully, then turned to me. “All right, Jimmy, here’s your chance to shine. You’re going to go look for treasure chests while we go search the rest of the house and kill the vamps. Don’t open anything you find – just remember where it is for later. Whatever you do, don’t come out of Stealth unless you absolutely have to. Just find the treasure so we don’t have to spend too long looking for it after we finish the mission. Got it?”