by Rayna, Eden
I shake my head like a cartoon character trying to catch up with the plot running in his mind. “I’m sure the connection between those two topics made sense in your head.” I give him a second to think about how he jumped straight from tires to shoes. I drag a finger down the middle of his chest and say breathily, “You didn’t seem to mind the heels last night.” He gives me a lazy smile. Last night we dressed up like we were going to go dancing then decided to stay in instead. I don’t think either of us had any real intentions of leaving the house in the first place. I put on my own little dance show for Kirk leaving nothing on but the high heels and I didn’t hear a single complaint about the height of my heels.
He pulls my body in tight to his and I think I'm about to get another searing kiss. Instead, I get, "Maybe you should take my truck. The back is loaded up with sandbags so it weighs a bloody ton and will move through anything. And it just sits here in the garage while I'm out of town."
“That’s very sweet of you, but I’m fine with my car.” I know his concern comes from a good place but I can’t take his truck. What would I say when I rolled back into Fort McKay with a new set of wheels? For one, everyone knows I can’t afford a new car and two, I haven’t told anyone about Kirk yet.
“I’m just trying to protect what’s mine.” I punch him in the arm. Or at least I try. It has the effect of a bug hitting the windshield at top speed on the highway. He stands up and rubs his arm anyway, being cute and pretending he actually felt it. “What was that for?”
“I’m not yours! You don’t own me!” He shrugs me off like he disagrees. The neanderthal ideology is new.
He nuzzles my ear, speaking to me in a low voice, “You’d be more convincing if I couldn’t smell the nectar dripping from your slit, coating your folds at the idea.” My argument dies on my lips. If I wasn’t wet from the notion of actually belonging to someone, to him, then I would be from the way he talks to me like creaming my pants is the sexiest thing ever.
“Yeah, whatever.” I give his chest a gentle nudge playing it off, but my insides are bursting. It’s a foreign feeling but I love that he wants to protect me. Gulp. I think I might actually love him. I almost blurt it out but I swallow it down. I’ve never said those words to anyone before. I don’t know if it’s the right time, if it’s too soon or if he even feels the same way. “I’ll text you when I get home.”
He opens the door to walk me to my car. Kirk takes one step outside and slides all the way down the walkway and the length of the driveway, more like a bear on roller skates than a grown man in cowboy boots. He saves himself from falling when he grabs the handle of my car. I point to his feet and back to his face. “Maybe I need to get you a truck with bigger wheels. Those boots aren’t safe in winter.”
“Hey, sassy. Bring that mouth back over here and kiss me before you go.” I do as he commands and we threaten to freeze our lips together we kiss for such a long time. “I’m going to miss this mouth.”
“I’m going to miss you.”
Chapter Twelve
That was an intense weekend.
Who knew that so much could be packed into two days, especially when those two days were spent confined to a ten-by-fifteen-foot room?
I need to tell Piper about Kirk. I can’t believe I have kept this news from her for so long. I start to get pains in my stomach at the thought of keeping something so big from the person I call my best friend. What if it’s been too long? What if she gets angry with me for lying to her and I lose her over a guy? My lies are snowballing and are reaching avalanche proportions. I mean, I did tell her I was going clubbing with the girls again this weekend, which I obviously did not do. What if she runs into one of them and they tell her no one saw me? What if Piper calls the fake number I gave her along with the fake photo of the fake guy I “went home with” as part of her security protocol.
Eeek! What if Kirk finds out I sent a fake message about a fake guy?
Oh my god. I’m a fake. I’m a total fraud. I have been living a complete lie for the last five weeks and it’s all coming apart at the seams. I am losing it. “It” being the moral code that I have been living by for the last fifteen years, not to mention my reputation. Poof! Just like that. One smile from a sexy cowboy and I’m done for. Okay, one smile that led to a lot of orgasms, which led to my downfall as a stalwart for strong, single women everywhere.
I grip the steering wheel and focus on driving for a few minutes, trying to calm my mind down.
“Let’s think rationally, Danielle,” I say it out loud because speaking to one’s self out loud when alone is completely rational. “Piper is going through her own shit with Chad right now. She’s not paying attention to anything going on around her.” I can keep up the charade with her until I know when I’ll get my holidays. As soon as I know my dates, I’ll tell her where I’m going. She’ll be thrilled for me because unlike me who keeps everyone at arm’s length on the off chance that they could hurt me, Piper lets anyone into her heart and deals with the fallout when it comes. I’m the doomsayer and she’s more the utopian type. That’s what makes us such good friends. We’re perfect opposites.
I’m not a liar by nature, but I am surprisingly okay with my plan. I never thought I would be happy cuddling on the couch instead of grinding on the dance floor. Turns out, I’m still getting a lot of grinding in, just in a different venue.
With that still at the forefront of my mind, I pull up to my rental suite and park my car. I’m still sitting out front when I text Kirk to tell him I made it home safe and sound in my little car. His response is quick, telling me not to jinx it and I’m not to drive on the highway without telling him first.
Like his knowing will keep me safe.
Silly boy.
It still makes me smile.
* * *
Work tonight is so boring. It’s quieter than usual, probably because anyone who was trying to make it to Fort McMurray already got a room before the storm really blew in. I distract myself from sexy thoughts of Kirk by googling all things farm life. Just like I became a certified mixologist, I’m pretty sure that by next week I can become a certified dairy farmer. I’m learning lots of cool and useless shit all at the same time.
Four thirty rolls around and I sigh knowing that I won’t get my phone call today. Kirk will start his drive back south this morning but not at this hour. He’ll be driving for two or three days, depending on what the weather is doing further south. Hopefully the roads aren’t bad for too much of his drive. I appreciate that he took the job to come up and see me, but I don’t like the thought of him driving when he doesn’t have to.
I’ve got it bad, don’t I?
I wish I had someone to talk to about him.
* * *
It’s been three weeks since Kirk left and about ten minutes since we last texted. I miss him so much. It’s gotten so bad that when we talk on the phone that I turn the volume up to max and lay the phone on my chest to feel the vibrations of his voice through the speaker. He thinks it’s hysterical because the screen goes black for him when the camera lens is pressed up against me.
“Why don’t you want to look at me when we talk?” He asked me one time.
The real answer is that looking at him makes me miss him more. Feeling the rumble of his voice through the phone somehow makes him seem more present. It’s strange how I’ve fallen off the deep end and terrible that I have no one to talk to about it. I chat with Piper every day and all I want to do is explode with happiness over Kirk, but I still haven’t told her because things seem to be getting so much worse with her boyfriend. I can’t throw my happiness in her face, so I continue the charade.
“I miss you,” I admit to him. My eyes burn with unshed tears so I shut them tight.
“Do you know your holiday dates yet?” He asks hopefully.
I wipe the tears away and pull the phone back up so we can look at each other on screen. We have done every intimate act in the book and he knows every sordid thought that passes through my head,
but I haven’t let him see me cry yet.
“It hasn’t snowed since just after you left, so if it keeps up like this it might be early April. Then again, winter could come back at any minute, so keep yourself open until June.” I laugh half-heartedly and need to change the subject. “How are your heifers?”
“Look at you, city girl, using the right terminology!” He beams from ear-to-ear with pride and I swear to god, that feeling is almost as good as an orgasm. Almost. Who knew that livestock talk could be fun?
Kirk walks around as he talks, getting ready for his day. The bouncing image of him has me slightly off balance as I try to focus on his face and not the background that keeps spinning. He takes one last sip of his coffee and I marvel at the muscles in his neck swallowing it down. Kirk sets the mug down in the sink and heads to the door where he puts on his coat and grabs his cowboy hat off the rack.
“Stop moving for a minute.” He stills and looks at me, grinning at the fact that I can’t get enough of him. “Fuck you’re sexy in that hat, even if you’re not a real cowboy,” I say just to get a rise out of him.
His hand stills on the doorknob and his jaw nearly hits the floor. “What do you mean, ‘not a real cowboy’?” He skims a finger up and down his body showing that he’s dressed for the part.
“Well, according to the internet, a cowboy is someone who herds cattle on horseback. You don’t herd and you don’t ride, so you’re not really a cowboy.” I tell him with an apologetic look that quickly changes to me holding in a belly-busting laugh.
“For your information, I do ride and I’m pretty sure I offered to teach you too.”
“Mutton busting doesn’t count!” I joke with him. “But you should keep the hat anyway.”
“I think you and I need to have a serious chat about your online habits. I don’t like what it’s teaching you.” He raises his eyebrows at me in a serious manner. “And don’t you worry, I’m keeping the hat and the title of sexy cowboy.” He gives me a sultry look that has me both laughing and grabbing my belly as the fireworks dance inside me. “As much as I’d like to continue schooling you on farm life so you don’t go getting yourself more false information, I’m sorry, babe, but I’ve got to go. Call me before you go to work tonight?” He says it like it’s a question even though it’s not anymore. I call him every night just like he calls me every morning.
“I will. I love you.”
Oh.
Shit.
I just said that.
Out loud.
I press the phone to my chest and scan the room like finding something to focus on will make the words crawl out of his ears and back into my mouth. Then I realise I’m spinning in circles and I have to hold the counter to steady my swirling brain. Even after standing still for many, many heartbeats (it’s ticking pretty fast), I’m still dizzy.
“Danielle.” I hear him calling me, but I can’t look at him. “Danielle!” He starts to laugh. “I know you can hear me. The call didn’t disconnect. My face is pressed up to your boobs, and while you know how much I like it here, I want to see your face right now.” Another pause.
I tip the phone away from my body just an inch and look down at Kirk’s distorted image because of the angle at which I hold the phone. “Almost there, babe. Keep tilting.” He prods me. I can hear the laughter in his voice and I see it in that damn dimple. I want to think it’s because he thinks I’m so adorable but part of me is really worried that this is going to be a prom nightmare all over again where my crush laughs in my face.
“If you won’t do it for me, do it for the heifers.” Huh? “If I leave them waiting for much longer, they will be cranky all day. You don’t want to make me deal with fifty cranky females now, do you?”
Do it for the heifers?
I pull the phone away from my chest. “For real, they get cranky?”
His whole body shakes with laughter and I see light playing off a tear leaking out the corner of his eye. “I can’t wait to get you down here. My family is going to get a kick outta you.” Great, just what I want: to be introduced as the court jester.
* * *
It’s been ten days since I let those three little words slip from my mouth unfiltered. Ten days, twenty phone conversations, countless text messages and one growing ulcer. Kirk didn’t say it back. It’s not that I expect him to say it just because I said it.
But it would be nice.
It would help me sleep at night.
It would make my stomach ache go away.
Now I feel like I have to fake it through our conversations. I keep taking his calls because some small part of me keeps saying that this will be the time he says it back! I ask about his cows, his calves, his family. He asks about the snowmelt, my holidays. He tells me that most of the babies have been delivered, I tell him that I don’t know when I can get off work.
I’m lying to him. He knows just as well as I do that rigs have already started shutting down. I should have made my plans to go see him already. It’s going to be dead up here next week, even most of the locals are leaving town.
I told the owner of the motel that I might not take holidays this year. I’ve said some crazy things to him over the years, but he looked at me like I might really need a mental health work-up this time. Who turns down the opportunity to get out of Fort McKay for two solid weeks? No one. Unless you have nowhere to go because you were supposed to spend it with your boyfriend. The boyfriend you’re avoiding because you told him you love him and he didn’t say it back.
No big deal.
At least it would be no big deal if Piper wasn’t on to me. She keeps asking what’s wrong. Why I’m not going into Fort Mac anymore. Why I haven’t given her the gears about leaving Chad in over a week. Why I don’t share funny YouTube videos with her that I find when I’m bored at three a.m.
I hate keeping secrets from her as much as I hate that Kirk didn’t reciprocate my sentiment. But if we’re just going to break up, then there’s no point in telling her now. She’ll just be upset that I didn’t say anything three months ago when this all started.
This is all going to blow up in my face.
I can feel it.
It has Sean Scott and the prom heartbreak written all over it.
Chapter Thirteen
I have a surprise planned for Danielle. The last calf was born two days ago, which means I was able to convince my brothers that I deserved two days off to come see my woman. It cost me a good ribbing, a decent amount of pride when they caught me blushing at the thought of her and two bottles of Crown Royal Northern Harvest. Apparently, the original Crown isn’t good enough for them anymore.
The forty-eight hours I secured includes driving to Lethbridge, flying through Calgary to Fort MacMurray, driving to Fort McKay and then repeating the whole process in reverse. In the end, we will have a solid ten hours together. I’m hoping that at least a couple of those hours will be during the day when she doesn’t have to work, but she’s been really aloof about her schedule the last few days and I’m not sure if she’s even working or not.
It’s ten o’clock when I pull into the shared parking lot for the motel/grocery store/laundromat in Fort McKay. I’m exhausted because it has been a very long day of travel, but happy that at least the drive from Fort Mac was easy. All the snow is gone making the drive quick while making me wonder about her holidays even more.
If I was a less confident man, I would wonder if she’s cheating on me. Even though we don’t get to see each other as often as either of us would want, we are on the phone constantly and I would be surprised if she could lie to my face twice a day, every day. Even the best actresses have tells. Not only is Danielle easy to read, but she also doesn’t have the patience for bullshit. If she wanted out, she would tell me in fewer words than that.
Still, why hasn’t she booked yet?
I picked up some flowers for her on my way out of the city. She doesn’t strike me as the flower-loving type, but then again, she also didn’t strike me as the I-love-you-
and-will-learn-about-farming type either when we first met. Things change.
I like that I’ve been her first for so many things. First full night sleepover. First guy she brought home to meet Carly (even if that wasn’t her choice). First I love you. I’m not one hundred percent sure on that last one, but I have a solid hunch I’m right.
There’s no doubt that I love Danielle. I wasn’t kidding when I said all those weeks ago that I wanted to introduce her to my family. A guy with a family like mine doesn’t take that lightly. That’s as good as asking her to marry me. But there’s a reason why I didn’t just say I love you back when she said it. First, I didn’t want it to seem like I was saying it just because she did. Second, I wanted to say it to her face so I could kiss her afterward and then say it again and kiss her some more.
I reach into the back seat of my truck, place my hat on my head, grab a matching hat that I bought for Danielle and the flowers. I step out of the truck and close the door, checking my reflection in the window, hoping I don’t look like I’ve been travelling for the past twelve hours.
I approach the door to the motel and I see a woman leaning against the desk, deep in conversation with Danielle. I watch the two of them for a second and marvel at how I ended up with such a beautiful, amusing and sexy as hell woman. She doesn’t even know I’m here and she’s already making me smile.
I walk through the door and a little bell announces my arrival. Both women turn around to see who’s coming in and I can’t stop the smile from nearly splitting my face in two when I lock eyes on Danielle for the first time in weeks.
“Hey, doll,” I say walking up closer to the desk.
The other woman lets out a little squeak then quickly covers her mouth.
“Kirk. What are you doing here?” My surprise worked. She definitely looks shocked to see me.